New participant, new commitment, new idea

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by JT 2019, May 3, 2019.

  1. JT 2019

    JT 2019 New Member

    I've been using pornography and masturbation since I was in my early teens, maybe earlier. I've gone through the addiction cycle so many times that I couldn't even begin to count. I feel helpless and hopeless. I've tried so many things and am not sure where to turn. I have gone to meetings and am going to start going again. I am divorced and remarried. My first wife left me because of pornography and an inappropriate email relationship (not sexual or even emotional, just mostly a diversion). I put together over 5 years of recovery and sobriety and remarried. A few years after my marriage, it crept back in. I've told my wife that it "has been a problem" but she has no idea that it is still a problem and has become a big problem. I'm horrified to tell her but hate that I'm keeping this secret. I'm afraid to tell her because I'm afraid she will leave me like my first wife did. I definitely have a lot of shame and guilt for this secret that I'm keeping.

    I'm here to try something new.
  2. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey JT. Welcome! You're in the right place. Everyone's story is different but we all know how this addiction can screw things up. There is also loads of evidence here that there is a way out.

    I can't give you any quick fixes (cos there aren't any - not that I've found anyway!) - just keep coming here, share with the community and learn to not hate yourself. Right now, don't worry about the secret (I know that feeling soooo well!) - you can deal with that later, but shame is the way straight back to addiction and you deserve better.

    Keep going!!
    GreyHeron and Boxer17 like this.
  3. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Welcome aboard JT! You have come to the right place you can do it. Shame is a very destructive emotion. What you dont need right now is any destruction. Read the journals here. Their are many men whose stories you will find very interesting and you may see they are not that different than yours. Start a journal and read, read and journal in yours and others. Glad you are here again welcome aboard. Read, read, ask questions we are all here for you!
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  4. JT 2019

    JT 2019 New Member

    Thank you.
  5. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    First, welcome, JT! This is a really good place for men like us. Try your best to journal here regularly and to read about the other men here who are engaged in the same struggle.

    Second, at the risk of being too forward or presumptuous, but if a wife really loves her husband, porn and non-sexual emails are not enough to end a marriage. If you're married to the right woman, she'll help you beat this addiction. And just because your first marriage was not to the right woman, doesn't mean your second one is not.
    Of course, I write this being in the same position with my wife as you are with your second wife. Mine knows that I have used pornography during our marriage, that I'm trying to quit it, but no other details. Except this: She's agreed to be sexual with me frequently enough that (and this isn't the only reason she's agreed to be sexual) I don't have to use porn because I have no other sexual outlet. In my nearly 4 month streak earlier last year and this, that was absolutely critical to my success.
    I don't know you or your wife, so this advice might be the last thing you should do, but think, anyway, about opening up to her a little more. I think if you frame it as wanting her help so that you can become closer to her, it might end up being more positive than you think. In any case, secrets have a way of eating away at us, at our happiness at our equanimity at our strength. All of which you will need if you are to succeed in this battle.
    Lowdo likes this.
  6. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi @JT 2019 - that's some pretty good advice from @Doofus . I don't know when the right time is, but at some point, opening up to your wife a bit more would probably be a good thing.

    I can remember how terrifying the thought of that was for me but I can honestly say it was the biggest step towards recovery that I ever took and it went far better than I could possibly have imagined. Having said that, don't let the fear of this imagined future conversation drive you back into despair: if you're not ready for this yet then just keep taking steps in the right direction. You'll get there.
    Last edited: May 8, 2019
    Boxer17 likes this.
  7. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    hi JT welcome, I think that @Lowdo and @Bobo have given good advice. Read and respond to others here often and in great quantity, the times when I heed that advice are the most serene.
    I believe that nobody here espouses a "correct way". Many here would caution how you address the matter with your wife. I for one would encourage you to deal with your guilt and shame, I still struggle with this because it is inevitable that we will make mistakes and I still avoid accepting that fact. If you are following a new path PMO is no longer a source of guilt for you. Then you can talk with confidence about how you have struggled and put it behind you. My journal reads like a nightmare. On two occasions very recently I have been able to stand up straight and confidently say that I have changed and still I need to be watchful for new habits.
    You will also read here that it is you that you are trying to fix. Whether your wife stays or goes, whether she is malevolent or sweet it is you who must get better. If I can string together a long streak and my wife is still aloof I will come here and tell the board that life is getting unbearable. I am approaching such a time at the moment and struggle with the fantasy that a woman will overcome my defences and come on strong to me.

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron
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