new motivation to reboot while working at a methadone clinic

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by ishouldreallyknowbetter, Jun 18, 2013.

  1. Hi everyone,
    I'm 28 and am addicted to porn. Started in my early teens, althought 56k modems and living with my parents curbed things. I definitely knew I had an addictive personality though, as i'd often masturbate to digital pictures and magazines 5-6 times a day in my early teens. So I took precautions when I moved out. I'm thankfully intrinsically cheap, so never went to prostitutes/strip clubs. I did go out of my way to never have a computer at home. Just never bought one. Went through college fine, M'd once or twice a day to mental thoughts only. Fine is relative, as I did have bad urges every few months and would pathetically creep on the roomate's computer when he wasn't home and go online. But overall exposure to the internet was pretty limited or else monitored, so the addiction didn't reach it's full "potential."

    Then I went to med school, met my first girlfriend at 22 and lost my virginity to her. First year of med school was so busy there was never any time to fool around with too much PMO. Second year of med school and everything thereafter was much less time consuming. I'd sneak into the computer lab, get a private room , loose hours at a time and walk out totally deflated, physically and mentally. I would often need to write reports or take notes, so I bought 15 year old ultra-oldschool laptap that ran on a 33mhz processor. The draw was that it simply could not connect to the internet. Around this time, I'd get ED once in a blue moon with my current girlfriend and think it was lack of sleep or stress or something else. But things were typically ok, i'd usually have sex 4-5x a day.

    (god, only when i'm writing this down does it all appear to be such a linear or even exponential progression in my addiction.)

    School housing ends after 2 years so I had to move into my own place off campus. I need a real computer to do work and reply to blasted emails... You can guess what happened. Wayyyy more PMO, way more frequent PIED. i started to become interested at harder and harder stuff. i was shocked seeing how turned on i was getting at such aggressive and frankly degrading stuff. I knew it was bad and that I was wearing really deep neural grooves in my brain. I tried to stop, a week here and there, but nothing sustained. I put filters on everything but I'd still find a way out, clicking forgot password or friggin reformating the computer. I even tore out the wireless card in a new laptop once, only to get a usb wifi adapter later. it was BAD. I seriously felt like two people. One pathetic and the other more pathetic.

    Because of money issues in my family, my folks moved in with me 2 years back. I thought: great, this will help. I put the computer in the living room. Expected the awkwardness of everything to cure me.

    Wrong. I just snuck down there at night. PMO's into the wee early hours, then took caffeine pills to stay awake during the day. PIED with girlfriend gets worse, i get more stressed and insecure and seek out even more PMO. All this time I'm working as a psychiatrist and hear about people struggle with addictions to meth and alcohol everyday, all the while feeling idiotic and weak with my comparatively minor addiciton that I still haven't been able to shake after 10 years.

    Part of the residency program I'm in makes me work in a methadone program for a month. I started a few weeks ago. I initially didn't want to because I felt like it was just enabling their addiciton in a different form. I still often feel like that, but in seeing so many 50, 60, 70 year old men who were just now rebuilding their lives after wasting decades with heroine, the sadness inherent in that helped me get over a specific mental threshold with my porn addiction.

    I had tried to quit before but always felt temped and weak during times of abstinence. But not anymore. I'm just so sick of all the wasted time jerking off before a little glowing screen. I'm sick of laying next to my girlfriend in bed after going soft. I'm tired of relinquishing my brain and continually replaying some filthy scene in my head whereever i'm at, whoever i'm with.

    This post might mention the clinic i work at, but it's really YBR and YBOP and reading all of your posts that gave me the extra motivation umph to quit and feel strong doing so. Thank you to everyone who's ever posted on here. I really appreciate your time and openness and hope I can be as helpful to my patients as you all have been to me.
  2. 37 days of no hardcore porn, although I did slip with netflix's raunchier selections once apiece the first, second and third week. I'm a slow learner. So I reset myself. I'm currently day 7 PMO and feel motivated, minus the foreign feeling of flatlining for this last week.

    I've been watching some foreign dramas with my parents with some nudity and haven't had any issues/urges. Saw Malena which has a good deal of nudity without any MO issues. **SPOILER & TRIGGER ALERT** The last scenes has the main character, a pretty brunette, being dragged out, being called a whore by the community, spat on, dress torn off her, and her hair forcefully cut off her. I felt so sick. For one, the movie had created an endearing, lovable character in her, so to see her endure this was hard. It was also incredibly sad to see her community of neighbors, men and women, do this to her. What really made me feel like shit was the fact that most of the porn I watched for the past year or two was like this in some way or another. Real hard and degrading stuff. I wasn't aroused watching that scene, but I knew that just a few weeks before I would have watched it over and over again and MO'd to it. Just a sad realization of how I've spent countless hours.

    Anyhow, like I said, feeling strong, no cravings or urges today. I continue to have an insane amount of energy now that i'm off PMO. Am forcing myself to go to social gathering today.

    Btw, I started keeping a journal in the last month and it's been incredibly helpful and just plain fun to see/witness what goes on in your head.
  3. Hey...ISRKB,

    lol thats a good nick. All of our stories are almost identical to the point its quite scary. I had a similar reaction to quitting pmo, where in the first week or so i was high on life like i'd never been. It's all calmed down now, but i still feel the benefits of not pmo'ing through more social confidence, more...actually ALOT more spare time etc.

    Good luck on your journey.
  4. i can't believe i'm qualifying and quantifying my morning wood, but i'm inordinately proud that i had something like 70% MW for like an hour this morning. I was just so excited and happy that I woke up earlier than usual.

    the path back to normalcy is littered with little pieces of my former dignity:)
  5. feeling good. still pretty energetic but semi-euphoric state is gone. pretty good mood and clear thinking persist. especially the clear thinking. i'm wayy more patient with people. it's crazy how significant and obvious the changes feel. i really don't think this is placebo. i work in pyschiatry, i think i know placebo. but still, if this is placebo, give me more placebo!

    zero cravings. that sad part of my life feels like it's done with. i must have had the same resolve when i was a kid shitting into a diaper. it happened, but there's no going back to it. i feel like i've spent the last 10 years shitting into a diaper--in front of a screen.

    getting consistent mw now. am able to get semi-hard by thought alone. i can't remember the last time i could do that thing where you sorta will your cock to pulse a little and it jerks for a sec and gets extra hard for like a second and it feels great on its own. ok, i remember now. i used to do this when i would go to church with my mom and there'd be a cute girl there.

    am seeing girlfriend this weekend. afraid about flatlining and feeling like square 1...will try that karezza stuff but i sorta know myself...i'm tempted to overbook activities wise so we won't have time in bed...but i feel like even if i flatline after coming with her that it's all in the name or normal retraining. it's the price i have to pay for 10 years of avid jerking off.

    anyways, hope all you guys/gals are doing well, fighting the good fight.
  6. Barneybarn

    Barneybarn Reboot and rewire!

    Great journal, I can really relate to a lot of it ( also 28 and had PIED)....
    Reboot and rewire,

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