New member, just started the journey

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by jester, Nov 15, 2012.

  1. jester

    jester Member

    I'll try to keep this brief, I'm a new member to this board. I'm in my early 30s and newly married. Been watching porn since I was about 15 but started watching high speed internet porn around age 19 - 20. Since my mid 20's, I would have ED on occasions but it wasn't chronic so I never thought that porn was that bad. I met my current wife about 4 years ago and since than I would have regular episodes of ED. I might have great sex with her 4 or 5 times before I would encounter ED so it still wasn't that bad. Since about July though, we tried maybe 4 or 5 times and each time I had ED. The small frequency of times we tried points to my fear of failing in the bedroom. She's not overly sexual so if I don't attempt to have sex with her, than most nights we'll just go to sleep. I wouldn't say that I had trouble getting it up at all though during these failed attempts, I would get hard but somewhere in the process of getting undressed, finding the right spot, I would lose it to the point that it wasn't hard enough to go in. It's caused her to be upset and feel like I'm unattracted to her. I actually think she is incredibly attractive. Once she gives me the bored or disappointing look because I'm not hard, I completely lose all confidence and than I can't get it up no matter what. When this happens it's extremely stressful, I go to work the next day thinking of it and wondering if she's considering to leave me. I would say part of it is due to my brain being desensitized by porn but also due to anxiety since the longer this has gone on, the more self conscious I am about it. I finally admitted to myself a few months ago that I have a problem with being overly exposed to porn than I found some threads and eventually landed on the "your brain on porn" website. I"m glad to see that there are others like me in this fight. So far the longest I've gone with no PMO is about 4 -5 days. I have no problem with it when my wife is around but when she leaves and I"m alone, that is when I have temptations.

    My wife knows I have looked at porn, she's found it on my computer on occasion and was not happy about it. She doesn't know that I'm on this forum and am now trying to recover and let it go. I'm afraid to tell her because she may get upset that I have the problem in the first place. She knows I have looked at porn but probably doesn't know the frequency or that it's to the point that there is a problem with ED.

    Since I've gone without PMO for a few days in a row, I feel a little more confident now that I could probably have normal sex with her but I'm also afraid to fail. I'm afraid to come on to her now because what if I still have the problem? When do you know it's the right time and you completely recovered and won't fail?

    I want to meet some members and here and have discussions so I don't feel I'm battling this alone. I feel like communities out of all things is probably going to help me through this and motivate me to not PMO.
  2. Welcome to the club. I am 33 and lost a relationship partly due to my PMO addiction. Much like yourself I have started using still images when I was 12-years old and eventually graduated to videos and then to Internet porn, where I only dabbled in it during my teens because it was the family computer. Never did I think PMO would have such a damaging effect on me. I remember talking to a co-worker once who said he had a friend who couldn't have sex with his wife because addicted to PMO. I thought that was sad and scary. I never thought it would happen to me.

    In my previous relationship I was PMOing and having sex without any issue whatsoever. Than there was a trust issue in the relationship where I lost interest in wanting to have sex with her anymore and I replaced sex with her with PMOing. When I did that ED set in pretty bad and it started to hurt our relationship more.

    So I am I a relatively new relationship and I discover I still have ED. It was embarrassing. I went to my doctor to get checked out to see if there was anything physically wrong with me. He also gave me an Rx for Viagra. There was nothing wrong with me (of course, I am a healthy man of 33!!). There had to be something else there. After giving up pornography for seven weeks, but not masturbating, I was still having problems, the Viagra did not work. I was very concerned. I thought back to the story my co-work told me. I googled ED and porn. I found some great articles on the issue, as well as, this forum and

    My advice to you is to talk to your wife. You cannot hide this from her. It is bad to have any secrets and poor communication in a relationship. If you love her you will tell her, if she loves you, she will understand and be supportive.

    I told my girlfriend tonight what I discovered about sexual dysfunction. Let her know that it is not her, that it is you and you want to fix it. Let her know about this site and what you are up to. Additionally, write, write, write. Talk to people on her you feel comfortable with.

    Rock on! You are doing great. PM me if you want to talk.
  3. darkknight3313

    darkknight3313 New Member

    I would think this is something I could share with my wife if I was married. It's different when you meet a girl and don't know each other.

    It's sad this is so unknown by the public that we are shamed for it. I've read some comments in articles from women on this subject that are disgusting and make me realise we are decades away from being able to discuss this like adults.
  4. jester

    jester Member

    How did she react?
  5. jester

    jester Member

    My wife works different hours than I do, there are a few times out of the week that she works late. I find myself scared to death of these evenings now because these are the evenings I get tempted to check out certain sites that have updates. I'll sit down and watch TV, it won't pop into my head but then I'll get curious about what new pictures have been added since I been away. I got home today, logged in for 5 minutes, saw a few new pics and then quickly shut it down. I'm seriously scared as heck right now about next week. I had extra vacation time so I took the week off to have an extended thanksgiving week. Of course Thursday I'll be with family but after that, there will be times when I'm alone at the house while she's working. My goal is to find a way to stay away from it when I'm alone. I have no issues staying away from it while she's here.
  6. My girlfriend responded great, she didn't run for the door. She had to leave early last night so she could run some errands before work this morning, however, we spoke this morning and she said she was up until after 3 am reading about the subject. She said how she was proud of me. She thought it was brave to open up something so personal. She is going to be there and support me as I work to rewire myself.

    I know working opposite hours is hard on a relationship. I know that was one of the factors that hurt my previous relationship. But more than anything, communication, communication, communication is key to a successful relationship.

    The thing about any addiction is you can't ever consume pornography in any type of moderation. If you haven't checked out Your Brain on Pornography, check it out, it will better explain it. Once you drink or watch pornography it will reactivate the old wiring. The book Dry. by Augusten Burroughs is a an entertaining and good book about a guy overcoming an alcohol addiction. I read it at least once a year (for different reasons than my PMO addiction).

    Set realistic goals. And write. My girlfriend and me need to discuss some rules while I am rewiring. You must talk about your wife. This isn't simply about sex. I don't know if two have children or plan on having children or having more children. Think about what happens then? Use this forum to its fullest. It will help.

    Again...if you need anything, PM me.

    Stay strong.
  7. jester

    jester Member

    Every time she's away, I get the curiosity to poke around and check what's new. Each time I'm not on any longer than 5 - 10 minutes and I've eventually found a way to stop myself. I'm sure this is still not helping my progress. I have noticed morning erections and a little more sensitivity though so that's good. My wife and I were gonna try last night but we both had a late night and fell asleep. The weather getting colder doesn't help, when the weather gets cold she just wants to wear sweaters and snuggle up under her blankets. Sex is definitely not on her mind. I"m stuck between wanting to seduce her but not seducing her due to fear of it not working.
  8. jester

    jester Member

    Decided to get one of those banners, it's kind of embarrassing in case my banner keeps showing up as 0 days since PMO. Will see how this goes, I'm hoping this builds more accountability for me.
  9. jester

    jester Member

    I gave in, reset my counter to 0. Didn't look at full nudity porn, hope that didn't set me back too far but here I go again starting from scratch.
  10. jester

    jester Member

    What's everyone's thought's on how far back it sets you if you relapse once? I hope I didn't just totally destroy all the progress I've made. I've had a morning wood for the past 2-3 mornings. Does 1 episode completely set me back?
  11. Setbacks. I think everyone is different. Don't get discouraged. Take it one day at a time. Set goals. Even if it is as little as a week. Take it from there. I think the first seven days may be the hardest. After a week, then move onto week two, then week three. You see what I am getting at?

    Cuddling can be great way to re-wire your brain. To let your body know that is what it is supposed to get excited over, y'know? I am sure you find your wife desirable, but do you let her know that?

    Keep up the good work!
  12. jester

    jester Member

    relapsed again today. Had a long day, was tired and said screw it, what the hell. The thought came across my mind several times today and I was able to eventually tune it off until the end of the day. I need to work on the will power, I need to realize it's gonna be hard but there are others on this board that have gone weeks, months. Why can't I go longer than 7 days?
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Hey there, I recommend this excellent post about by Pedigree regarding willpower:
    Nice to see a fellow fan of one of In Flames' best albums.
  14. jester

    jester Member

    Eternity: Nice surprised to run into a fan of In Flames on this forum, wasn't expecting that.

    Relapsed once again. My first 2 weeks were tough but I was fighting it hard. These last few days I'll admit, I just gave in pretty easy. I don't know, maybe it's because I've gone longer than I ever had before, which isn't saying much. It's not that I think of it all day long, I'll be doing other things and something I hear or see just triggers a memory that leads me to PMO. It sucks. Seeing others on here go 15+ days is motivating though, I know I can do it, I just need to act quickly when thoughts come into mind. I need to hurry up and do something else fast to get my mind back on the right path.
  15. Livefree

    Livefree New Member

    I set my goals in hours. Days and weeks are not for me since I have been relapsing too.
  16. jester

    jester Member

    I've just been on a binge this week with the holidays. I've went ahead and did as you suggested, shortened by goals to 7 days instead of 30 days.
  17. jester

    jester Member

    Just reset my counter again. Not much else to say other than let's have another go at this.
  18. jester

    jester Member

    Reset again...i am realizing that once i make the decision to take a quick peak, mo fallows shortly after. Gotta be mentally strong...ive relapsed like 5the times in the last five days after starting out strong with 7the days. Maybe being home for the holidays had something to do with it.
  19. FindingSanctuary

    FindingSanctuary One foot before the other.

    I think you might be up to something here: what exactly about being home for the holidays could have possible got you back into the old habit?
    I remember having a strike of being clean for more than two weeks, and finally giving in. After a couple beers, I went into one of those adult movie theaters I used to go years ago. Right when I plunged myself into one of those disgusting fake leather seats, I had this weirdest feeling of nostalgia: it was like 'coming home'. What wonder, since I had lived so much of my spare time at young age in this artificial world edging...

    Don't give up, Man! It takes time to get used to live in the new self!
  20. jester

    jester Member

    after going 2 days without, I relapsed. Time to start over again. I realized allowing myself go deep into those thoughts pretty much seals the deal. When I quickly get busy and put my mind on something else, I'll forget about the urge, but I if I allow the thoughts to sink in and say "well, let me just think about it for awhile, it's kinda nice" it just goes down hill from there and leads to MO. I don't think I have the will power to say no once I'm down that path, so I need to quickly steer to the other side as soon as those thoughts come around. I don't have a physical need to MO, I'm not walking around with a hard on, I"m just addicted to the search and the reward. Anyone else feel that way?

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