New Life Now

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TheAndersMan, Nov 24, 2012.

  1. TheAndersMan

    TheAndersMan Watch-and-Pray

    Don't answer this if you feel it will do you no good to answer it. What does the beginning of the temptation to seek out porn feel like? What is it that you want, knowledge of chemistry aside?

    I've given it a small bit of thought, and once I cut down to the simplest thing, it just seems that the temptation is out of boredom.

    But that of course does fit in with what we know about the chemistry.
     
  2. Monkey

    Monkey Everyday is a success.

    I recently had a post in my journal about this. And what I broke it down to, what I was really craving, was not porn, but instead the dopamine rush we get from porn. So then the case becomes, what is a healthy alternative to the dopamine rush we get from porn?
     
  3. FindingSanctuary

    FindingSanctuary One foot before the other.

    It's mostly an attempt to escape a rather dull / stressful / painful / slow / [insert your own favorite] moment to a "world of pleasure".
     
  4. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    That's a great insight FindingSanctuary. I've had similar realizations lately. I've used porn not only to turn myself on and not only to provide a dopamine rush but also to self-medicate and temporarily erase stress by "escaping to a world of pleasure" and fake intimacy. You've summarized it really well.

    This can provide you some direction of things to work on. We need new ways to respond to stress. One possible approach is reduction of stress levels - I meditate every day, which helps me a lot, though of course it's not for everyone. You might try a few different techniques and see what they do for you. Another approach might be to work out something else to do in response to stress (other than looking at porn) such as exercise or writing. You can attack the problem on multiple levels and work out ways to reduce your stress, ways to respond to stress when it arises, ways to respond to cravings when they arise, etc.

    I'm still working my way through these same challenges. I'm glad others feel similarly about what triggers them.
     
  5. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Hey off topic....but Anders..are you french by the way? Just wondering since you're tag has a french verse on it.

    and the answer to your question, at least in my opinion, I think it starts different for different people. But if I had to generalize it, it wouldn't truly be boredom, but out of frustration. I believe that most of the porn watchers, and chronic ejaculator do these act out of frustration. Not all of course.

    What I mean by frustration is that people are miscontent with the world, miscontent with their situation in reality..so they decide to get out of reality. Escapism is the overall main reason for the addiction, but as far the process that makes one relapse or pmo, that would be the feeling of frustration.

    But that's only my two cents, that's a really good question, by going deeper and attacking the initial stimuli, then you may be able to avoid the outcome.

    Good thinking Anders.
     
  6. TheAndersMan

    TheAndersMan Watch-and-Pray

    Thanks for the replies guys.

    Yeah, I guess there is a lot of potential for the initial urge to have a strong escapist character. But in my case, it seems especially attached to boredom. When I get an urge, it usually just feels like everything else has become intensely boring and my mind is bent toward whatever thoughts I'm having. When I experience that kind of thought which tends to take over like that, usually it's on a subject that can easily morph into something pmo related. For example, it may be a curious thought about a particular woman, about women in general, or about sexuality in general.

    No Cham, I'm not French, actually :). It's just a modified quote.

    The original from Keats is, "La belle dame sans merci." Sometimes I fixate on a very negative view of women in general. (I noted really early in my journal my tendency toward "misogyny.") About the same day that I read that Keats poem, I also read Proverbs 31 - about the virtuous woman. The most vivid contrast between these two types of women seemed to be found in verse 12: "She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life." Reading things like this reminds me that there are good women out there. So I changed Keats' words from "woman without mercy" to "woman without pain" (or sadness).
     
  7. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Boredom and stress is the root cause for it in my case, definitely. However...there's also a curiosity (like, "What have I been missing out on lately...any new scenes?") that eventually becomes a desire which soon evolves into a craving. Sometimes in the past, it wasn't even a craving to watch...I just felt a compulsion to look. It would sometimes come completely out of the blue. That however, is the thought process.

    The actual FEELING is very hard to describe but it is certainly cerebral. You can feel it in your brain (for me).
     
  8. TheAndersMan

    TheAndersMan Watch-and-Pray

    Someone on his journal warned of trying to take a "monk's" approach to sexuality. I think that is a very fair warning. I'd like to get to the point where I anticipate sex in marriage as opposed to any other means of release.

    The problem is that my sexuality is not focused on marriage. I'm accustomed to getting my release from pornography and masturbation. Sadly, that is primarily what I think of when I think of fulfilling the sexual appetite. I rarely even think about sex in marriage.

    Some may speak of "resisting premarital sex." But of course I'm no more sexually moral than someone who has not "resisted premarital sex." I've only had a different way of not resisting. I just had a different way of satisfying my appetite.

    This cannot continue. This is the antithesis of what I am called to. There is a prescribed way of sexual life. This is the very thing that makes something profane: for a thing to have a true role, place, definition, function, or rule, and not to give that thing its proper role, not give it its proper place, not allow it to conform to its true definition, fulfill its proper function, or follow its true rule!

    I know that my sexuality was not meant to function through porn or masturbation... To allow it to function that way is simply to feed my sexual appetite though a path of very little resistance. There is no commitment here, no relationship, no responsibility... but also none of the benefits giving sexuality its proper definition. Porn and masturbation are lazy and cowardly sexuality.

    This is why this is a serious thing, a serious battle.
     
  9. TheAndersMan

    TheAndersMan Watch-and-Pray

    week 22, 6/9 - 6/15 data ------> explanation here
    W22D1: SI4 - D2 - B3 - Sp3 - N3 - A4 - PA2 - S7.
    W22D2: SI3 - D4 (mo) - B2 - Sp3 - N3 - A3 - PA4 - S7.
    W22D3: SI3 - D3 - B3 - Sp4 - N4 - A3 - PA4 - S8.
    W22D4: SI4 - D2 - B2 - Sp4 - N3 - A4 - PA1 - S8.
    W22D5: SI3 - D1 - B1 - Sp3 - N3 - A4 - PA5 - S?
    W22D6: SI3 - D1 - B3 - Sp1 - N4 - A3 - PA1 - S8.
    W22D7: SI3 - D1 - B3 - Sp2 - N4 - A3 - PA4 - S?.
     
  10. TheAndersMan

    TheAndersMan Watch-and-Pray

    I'm really serious about staying away from porn, but I've had a harder time with mo recently - not just with controlling it, but also with conviction against it. The reason I've been doing it is that it just plain took second place of importance to staying off of porn. Do I still think that it is a bad habit - yes.
    I don't know. I'll see what I can do about it. I don't believe there's any good purpose for it.
     
  11. TheAndersMan

    TheAndersMan Watch-and-Pray

    Ah, my new profile pic reminds me how badly I want to get in the pool again!
     
  12. TheAndersMan

    TheAndersMan Watch-and-Pray

    You will find, if you look carefully into any human's heart, that he is haunted by at least two imaginary women - a terrestrial and an infernal Venus, and that his desire differs qualitatively according to its object. There is one type for which his desire is such as to be naturally amenable to the Enemy - readily mixed with charity, readily obedient to marriage, coloured all through with that golden light of reverence and naturalness which we detest; there is another type which he desires brutally, and desires to desire brutally, a type best used to draw him away from marriage altogether but which, even within marriage, he would tend to treat as a slave, an idol, or an accomplice. His love for the first might involve what the Enemy calls evil, but only accidentally; the man would wish that she was not someone else's wife and be sorry that he could not love her lawfully. But in the second type, the felt evil is what he wants; it is that "tang" in the flavour which he is after. In the face, it is the visible animality, or sulkiness, or craft, or cruelty which he likes, and in the body, something quite different from what he ordinarily calls Beauty, something he may even, in a sane hour, describe as ugliness, but which, by our art, can be made to play on the raw nerve of his private obsession.

    - The Screwtape Letters.
     
  13. TheAndersMan

    TheAndersMan Watch-and-Pray

    3/6/56
    Magdalene College
    Cambridge

    Dear Mr Masson -

    . . . . I agree that the stuff about 'wastage of vital fluids' is rubbish. For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back: send the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity.

    In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself. Do read Charles Williams' Descent into Hell and study the character of Mr. Wentworth. And it is not only the faculty of love which is thus sterilized, forced back on itself, but also the faculty of imagination.

    The true exercise of imagination, in my view, is (a) To help us to understand other people (b) To respond to, and, some of us, to produce, art. But it has also a bad use: to provide for us, in shadowy form, a substitute for virtues, successes, distinctions etc. which ought to be sought outside in the real world--e.g. picturing all I'd do if I were rich instead of earning and saving. Masturbation involves this abuse of imagination in erotic matters . . . and thereby encourages a similar abuse of it in all spheres. After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison.

    Yours
    C. S. Lewis

    --Collected Letters of C. S. Lewis: Vol 3 (Cambridge University Press, 2007), 758-59; emphasis original
     
  14. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    I totally agree with everything that you have just said. To us, it truly not about lasting 90 days and being rebooted (though it has to start with that) it is going in the right path, a path where we fully morally mature enough to know and to stop using porn and masturbation to indulge in our urges. The world, media wants us to think that porn is normal and that's its okay for people to indulge but in reality it is not. We are doing a disservice not only to ourselves but to those porn stars, who are also human beings but we ignore that fact and objectify them in the most inpure form possible.

    I also believe that sex before a committed relationship is immoral, but like you said, what we are doing is at the same level as that if not worse. We are more chronic than the former.

    This is really one of the most serious battle that we have to face, and that' s why even if it is impossible for me to reboot, I cannot ever stop. Stopping and Giving up would mean giving up to my humanity, and my moral code. That's a sacrifice that I cannot and will not do just because of a few moments of intense pleasure.

    It's time that we stop this, and it doesn't just take will power, but a combination of that heart, and mind. Will power to keep you focus, heart to keep your faith in the right place, and mind to calculate the variables involved in this journey.

    In any case, in this batte anders, I am with you, let's kick butt.
     
  15. Monkey

    Monkey Everyday is a success.

    Very good points guys, I would definitely agree with it all. This is a big battle that will affect us for the rest of our lives. It is not something that should be easily overlooked, as it is primarily done today.
     
  16. TheAndersMan

    TheAndersMan Watch-and-Pray

    The [act of having sex] is a sensory pleasure; that is, an event
    occurring within one's own body. We use a most
    unfortunate idiom when we say, of a lustful man
    prowling the streets, that he "wants a woman". Strictly
    speaking, a woman is just what he does not want. He
    wants a pleasure for which a woman happens to be the
    necessary piece of apparatus. How much he cares about
    the woman as such may be gauged by his attitude to her
    five minutes after fruition (one does not keep the carton
    after one has smoked the cigarettes). Now Eros makes a
    man really want, not a woman, but one particular
    woman
    . In some mysterious but quite indisputable
    fashion the lover desires the Beloved herself, not the
    pleasure she can give. No lover in the world ever sought
    the embraces of the woman he loved as the result of a
    calculation, however unconscious, that they would be
    more pleasurable than those of any other woman.

    - C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves. Emphasis mine.
     
  17. Confused

    Confused New Member

    That was really really good - thanks!

    Like your avatar - are you a swimmer - the next Phelps :) ?
     
  18. TheAndersMan

    TheAndersMan Watch-and-Pray

    Yeah, a swimmer. Next Phelps, unfortunately not!
     
  19. TheAndersMan

    TheAndersMan Watch-and-Pray

    I'm not sure if it is that I need to develop new ways to respond to stress. I already have a lot of activities that could be stress relief. Besides, in most cases stress doesn't seem to have that much to do with it. I need to develop new ways of being sexual ;D. That sounds weird, but that's the first response that came to mind. Hopefully I'll explain tomorrow.
     
  20. FindingSanctuary

    FindingSanctuary One foot before the other.

    I love your quotes - in particular Lewis' characterization of eros as being different from raw consumption of a good.
    Are you taking C.S. Lewis summer seminar, or do you just know his writings by heart?
     

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