New Journal - Taking Responsibility

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by diz, Sep 28, 2023.

  1. diz

    diz Member

    Day 3

    I have journaled off and on for some years on this board. When I first arrived here, I gained a lot of sobriety from porn.

    It seems now, after 10 years of experience, I realise when I am with a partner as I have been fairly frequently in the last ten years. I abstain from P entirely and have not had issues with ED, or very rarely.

    However when single, eventually porn becomes a temptation. Maybe it starts like a youtube clip or an adult tv channel, but eventually its a porn site. Recently however worryingly it has led to binges and I have really let my sobriety from porn slide.

    I do use Plucky (pluckeye) filter on my laptop and my android phone is whitelisted, so if I act out I have to do it quite intentionally and wait a delay. So again, this is a worry. Plucky is amazing for anyone that does not use it, I have got a lot of help from this filter software and its near impossible to bypass.

    I am starting a new reset. Enough is enough. I would like abstinence and freedom from pornography again.

    I am attending a support group on Friday and Sunday, and I am 3 days sober from PMO.

    My aim is for 90 days no PMO. Then review, but certainly no P.
  2. diz

    diz Member

    Day 4

    Feeling a bit triggered today. I can feel a big difference already in the subtle change of having higher testosterone.

    Going to tweak my internet filter to remove some triggering websites.
  3. diz

    diz Member

    Day 0

    I acted out today, I watched a scene from an adult novel. I attended a support group for porn addiction this evening as a result, and I plan on attending them regularly.

    I feel less shame than I used to when I act out, but I do choose for this to change a day at a time. 10 days of sobriety from porn and 5 or so from masturbation.
  4. diz

    diz Member

    I have had a real spate of acting out these last few days. Really stuck on the addiction cycle. I changed computers and then had to unlock the filter on my phone for attending an event, and I couldn't resist. I was tired, hungry and lonely, and the anger came later with myself.

    I keep telling myself it's because I am single and if I was looking to meet someone I would clean up my act, but the point is I want to do this for myself. Not for someone else.

    I feel destroyed afterward, not shame but just complete self-sabotage. Maybe it is shame pretending to be something else. It is like a spiritual self destruct button.

    I want to stop compulsive masturbation so that energy stays within my body. Ancient India referred to one semen being the same as 40 drops of blood. This energy is really important for the body.

    I want to stop looking at porn. Because it is so bad for my soul and my brain, and it harms the world. It is not real, and it is one of the most abusive industries in existence. It tricks the brain and rewires it, and I want my brain to be healthy again.

    8 Hours Sober. I am going to journal more regularly, and attend the support groups.
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2023
  5. diz

    diz Member

    Day 3

    I have had 3 good days of sobriety now. No porn, masturbation or orgasm. I felt pretty emotional yesterday, it was my birthday but I don't have family to celebrate with. I did get to see some close friends instead.

    I can feel the change with this libidinal energy but then my mind starts saying stuff like I "need" to masturbate "my skin is starting to crawl". "I want to have sex with someone".

    I then breathe and change what I'm doing which is a distraction. Meditation also helps. So is the thought of journaling. I actually look forward to writing here now.

    Here's to the next 24 hours free from PMO
  6. diz

    diz Member

    DAY Zero (20 hours no PMO)

    I am sick and tired of acting out.

    I have made it impossible for myself to see porn at home. I have an android phone and a laptop. If you tried to look at porn on these two devices, no dice. You couldn't do it. As a minimum you would need to wait 24 hours for the self imposed filters to be timed out.

    Still, yesterday, I find myself frustrated about something, I cannot get my dopamine fix from another source than porn. So I grab a USB stick and my library card and head to the library and download some adult games finding tricky ways to do it through their filters. Then bring them home to watch a form of porn and act out. I feel like an old lecherous perv.

    Within an hour, I am full of shame and anger.

    I have now cut up my library card and smashed two USB sticks to bits. THIS HAS TO CHANGE.

    I've kept 1 USB as I need backups of documents.

    I am a dopamine "addict", a computer "addict", a porn "addict", and my brain needs rewiring. My reward circuit is messed up.

    I am going to spend some more time reading other journals and success stories.

    God bless the rest of you on your recovery journeys.
  7. OldMillenial

    OldMillenial Member

    I can relate so much to the dopamine addiction. When I remove one source of dopamine, I seem to quickly replace it with another one. It's like my body goes on autopilot and finds something that I haven't even thought about. Luckily the current one, interacting with girls is maybe not all bad. I just hate that it's an addiction. I would like to be able to ignore my phone for half a day just because I feel like it.
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2023
    tig and diz like this.
  8. diz

    diz Member

    Thanks OldMillenial. I think interacting with real people is definitely better than online P scenes or for me recently, cartoon/3d graphic p.

    The dopamine cravings do need to be replaced with something healthier, you cannot just remove the dopamine seeking entirely it doesn't work like that. I hope some more exercise and writing can help.

    My laptop is the source for me rather than a phone, I spend hours and hours a day on my laptop. I have to use it for work but its for everything. It is a sorry attempt to replace people in my life. I am recognising the need for closeness with others, but I am also scared of it and find it hard to trust others.

    DAY 1

    I feel like this attempt is more meaningful and serious. It is only 40 hours so far but I can feel my determination and will being strongest so far. I attended a men's group yesterday and spoke of my struggles with other P addicts.

    I am praying every morning as spirituality is important for me too. Cutting up my library card was very drastic and powerful. Glad I did it really. My goal this week is to journal every day.
  9. diz

    diz Member

    DAY 2

    I had an intense dream, with sex / porn elements. I remember when I last completed 60 days of no PMO I started getting wet dreams after day 20. I can imagine this happening again.

    I am going to change my recording to include gaming and browsing. I spend so much time browsing the web: mainly sport and wikipedia. This can be hours and hours of the day. From today, I am not going to browse the web from my bedroom at all.

    I had a 5 mile run last night, which made me feel great. Exercise, spending time in nature and reaching out to friends and support are going to be crucial in this change of habits.

    Gaming: 8 days
    P / youtube /social media: 2 days
    Browsing web in bedroom: 0 days
    tig and OldMillenial like this.
  10. diz

    diz Member

    DAY 3 (1st post)

    So I feel I need to make two posts. My counter changes half way through the daytime so it is over 72 hours of course.

    It's day 3 and this is when it starts to get tricky. I can start to feel the craving/yearning for touch and sex which has been poorly replaced with porn and "screen impregnation".

    Today a woman from a different department came into my office, I've noticed her a few times before. She is really my type, like 100% my type. She is married and she probably has children too, and I tried to remain professional as she spoke to me and a colleague about work, but I had 3 or 4 glances at her body when no one is looking. It doesn't feel like a good idea but I let it happen.

    Then on the way home a couple of times I start to fantasise about her. It doesn't feel healthy, especially as 1 I do not want this to come true I would not want to break up a marriage even if it were possible. 2 I want a lasting committed relationship not just a physical lust, this means getting to know someone.

    The problem is, when I see or meet a woman with that figure, it is like a siren song. I just want to ravish them (in a good, consensual way).

    Anyway, felt the need to say that.
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2023
  11. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Eh. Not that I think its a good idea chasing taken ppl in the workplace, but what do you expect of yourself here?

    Not being interested in people who are 100% your type? I mean, you don't have to lean into it, but I don't think there's anything to be done about that.
    diz likes this.
  12. diz

    diz Member

    Getting hung up on a taken person is the issue, but yeah it was fine.

    DAY 3 (2)

    I really struggled to sleep. Dreamt I found an unlocked device and couldn't stop myself from searching for porn. Woke up and had to tell myself this is not what I want anymore.

    I've read the reboot phase is like this, affecting sleep and mood. It's been so long since I've done it.

    Here's to day 4
  13. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Ah, I thought it was more about the looking and being exited part. Nah, makes sense.

    Ah, the dreams where your brain tries to trick you into believing you already sorta relapsed. Mean move, good job not falling for it.
  14. diz

    diz Member

    DAY 4

    This is a late one. I have been working on a deadline all day and just submitted.

    I now want a dopamine fix of some kind, be it a game, porn, internet browsing, podcast - but that is my brain tricking me and what I really need is SLEEP!

    So, as I finish writing this I will shut down my computer and go to bed. Hopefully less nightmarish cravings and brain jedi tricks during the night.
  15. diz

    diz Member

    DAY 5

    I am appreciating the change in habits. I think 1 helps the other. Not browsing in my bedroom especially. It's making me wake and get ready earlier.

    I am starting to feel the itch, the energy. Apparently testosterone levels peak after 7 days without an ejaculation.

    It is between now and 90 days I am going to really want to meet someone, yet, I have learned from a number of mistakes that meeting someone just because of sex is a bad idea.

    Last two girls I dated, both gorgeous, both divorced or divorcing, both bat poop crazy. Had barely been single themselves, had a ton of grievances with their ex's. One lied every time they spoke, was actually diagnosed as psychotic, and was a borderline alcoholic which did my own issues with alcohol no good. But I could not see past their looks and bodies.

    This reboot and change in behaviour is not just about porn, it is about a change in lifestyle to become a better person. These choices are in every domain, not just my relationship with a screen. My relationship with other humans and work. I want my next love interest to be a friend, someone who I get along with and can work out difficulties with. Is patient, loyal and understanding. And I will be the same, and work hard to stay the same.

    I have said similar before, and then I meet a pretty face and my blood goes up. I don't see the red flags and warning signs that my friends are like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!".

    So, I say again, this time I choose to be different. If the signs are there that we are not compatible, I walk away. Conversely, if the signs are there that this could be good, I am SLOW, PATIENT, get to know, make friends first, and maintain this. No more falling in love with someone I don't really know.

    The last 2 girls were both wanting to have sex right away, sounds great huh? Not when it lasts 3 weeks or 3 months, is hellish, and you end up in the hole for thousands in spending on dates and holidays. I do not want this to happen again!

    11 days
    No browsing in bedroom 3 days
  16. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    I feel you. I have been a sucker for the looking for love in all the wrong places game, too.

    I think it takes some iterations to shift out of that. Good rule of thumb: If they are very charming, tread carefully and slowly.
    And be okay with that taking time, we cannae exactly shift our self destructive dating patterns over night.
    diz likes this.
  17. diz

    diz Member

    Day 6

    Spoke to a very nice woman yesterday all about inspirational things and she sent me a video of herself. I have known her vaguely for a couple years. It's not a realistic date because we live so far apart but was nice to connect and feel some love.

    Sexual energy felt lower today, I have been feeling very tired after hectic Thursday. I slept so much, was great.

    Here's to day 7 and being a week free of P M and O.
  18. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Eh, sounds like some experience talking to non-abusing people, even if she's too far away.

    Grab those traumafree XP!
    diz likes this.
  19. diz

    diz Member

    DAY 7

    I made it to a week. Really pleased.

    Today has been the hardest day. I found myself trying to get through my filter, "testing". I was unable to see any P but did see some pics of body parts. It's not great but an attempt at the dopamine surge "seeking". I was mindful of it and ended up trawling wikipedia instead.

    I'd like some better alternatives than* the internet and a screen.
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2023
    Finally getting help likes this.
  20. Nice going to make it to a week!

    why is it that the hunting and gathering is the most exciting part? For me anyway. If it were just about the video then I’d pull up one, take care of business, and move on with my day. What I find instead is I’m constantly looking for more. For the next video. Saving, categorizing, looking….

    today is day 2 of my current streak. My goal is to make it one more day than my last one of 10 days.
    diz likes this.

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