New journal. My 5 year + journey

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by barristan, Oct 21, 2018.

  1. barristan

    barristan What a terrible night to have a curse.

    So I discovered I had PIED about 5 years ago. And with some research I've managed to discorver YBOP which saved my life.

    I havent seen porn videos since then, sadly about 2 months ago I relapsed to some gifs, which is a huge bummer.

    I met this girl, and we started to make out and have sex. I still can't have a proper erection (just with bj's), that I believe was due to my relapse months ago. The girl was nice, so she understood my situation, we kept seeing each other every weekend, that lasted a month or so.

    Has been a month since we stopped seeing each other, and I havent thought about anything related to sex. I feel assexual in most cases.

    I will from now go full hardmode for the rest of my life honestly. I'm done with not having a normal life, so I will throw even MO away.
  2. barristan

    barristan What a terrible night to have a curse.

    still going strong on hardmode, honestly i can go forever like this, and this kinda worries me.

    i feel like i only have interest with people that i share some emotional connection. i have no cravings for anything related to sex atm.

    i feel like my brain and penis are kinda disconnected from each other, which sucks. i really wanted to have a healthy and active sex life, but this really takes time. i will just wait to my brain to recover naturally.
  3. barristan

    barristan What a terrible night to have a curse.

    I am a huge introvert, but lately Im craving for social interactions. It's kinda scary how comfortable I'm around people. Had a pretty good day, went out to take some drinks with friends.

    Im always thinking about how my life would be if I was normal. I dont think my life is bad at all, I have a cool job in my area, good friends, amazing family. Just the love area is lacking, due to my inexperience and being broken with this pied thing.

    I'm writing more frequently in this mini journal, just so I can talk to myself a little bit before sleep.
  4. barristan

    barristan What a terrible night to have a curse.

    Beginning to feel small sex cravings, I lost track on how many days Im in but that doesn't matter.
  5. barristan

    barristan What a terrible night to have a curse.

    having troubles to sleep at night, I often crash in bed after gym and sleep at the afternoon.

    Had a conversation with my employee, and my contract will be over soon, which is a bummer but it was a temporary project job so I knew it was coming, that affects a bit my sleep too.

    I've also been thinking a lot about how I'm still disconnected with my own penis, I'm unsure if its a flatline or whatever it is. Man I just wish I was normal. But no worries I know I will get fixed someday.
  6. barristan

    barristan What a terrible night to have a curse.

    started being more consistent with exercise, stretches and also doing regular kegels on a regular basis, feeling quite motivated overall.

    my job contract may be come to an end soon, but im feeling quite acomplished and proud of my work, everyone really likes the job im doing there, i might come back in a future instance once they prioritize the project which im in.

    sexually im on the weak side, i wonder if its good or bad, but i rarely think of sex or relationships during the day, hardly fantasize of anything. maybe im really reseting? maybe im not meant to be a sex person? hard to say atm, but i wish get better soon enough
  7. barristan

    barristan What a terrible night to have a curse.

    sleep has gotten a bit worse due to anxiety from work and some problems ocurring with my payment. Wish I had a partner to support emotionally me once in a while :(

    Ate a bit of my weekly dose of junk food. Will be back right on track asap.

    Big edit: STOPPED doing kegels. After years of masturbating on a chair my PC muscle has tighted and shortned. I can even feel the tension while doing slight deeper squats.

    SO i will focus alot on muscle/squats/streches. to return my PC muscles to it original lenght and improve bloodflow overall.

    This is a pretty good read btw:
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2018
  8. barristan

    barristan What a terrible night to have a curse.

    So my contract on the job ended, and maybe I will get called again once the project gets back. I sadly installed Tinder (the dating app) again, only to realize that I have little to no patience to flirt online.

    I will probably will have to get into some extra activity, I was thinking of Yoga to help with my flexibility and bloodflow. I honestly havent going much on the gym because it just sucks that much. I'm on my regular weight tho, which varies between 85 and 89.

    Have been doing some small streches routine at home, and Im slowly improving.

    A girl and a friend or hers (a dude) stayed here few days ago, because they missed their bus overnight. We were watching some movies in the bed, and she did a big spoon with me, while rubbing her feet with mine. We didnt do anything, but oh boy it felt really good, I really enjoy cuddling, something that I would never feel the same if I was still addicted to porn.

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