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Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Papa, May 26, 2017.

  1. Papa

    Papa New Member

    Im new here. I been using reboot nation since February and have only realized about this addiction problem about a year now.
    I am 43 and married for 12 years and have kids. My addiction started when I was in my teens with magazines and obviously got worse in time with videos and then the internet. About 3 yrs ago I was having an affair and got caught. I know what I did was wrong and I am to blame for my actions but part of me believes that porn drove me to this affair. The internet is never ending and you explore forever and that's how I got caught up in that stupid site (Ashley Madison) and I was getting pleasure from the women that would respond to me and eventually met a lady and had a relationship with her. All that bull shit set aside now, my wife found out and we have been doing counselling since. During counselling I come to understand that I had a sex addiction problem and that's how I ended up here, and glad I'm here.

    In July of 2016 I met with a therapist who deals with sex addicts and told me to just stay off the P (along with other helpful advice) and I did till around the end of December and I had my first relapse. For about a month after I would PMO every couple of days here and there until our couple therapist told me about reboot nation and since the first week of February I been clean. I have experienced the brain fog , the dead dick, low libito, and some withdrawals. I been clean for the 90 days and it's been a hard reboot, no M, no O, nothing! My wife isn't ready to have sex with me yet so the hard reboot was helpful that way, but when and how do I start to introduce a sexual relationship with her again? When do I know when I am healed of this sickness and when do I start to have a healthy sexual relationship with her? I try all the time to be sexual with her and she is not ready and I understand that but at the same time I'm getting rejected and that's a tough pill to swallow, it almost makes me want to relapse or at least just to get the edge off, but I haven't! I can't help myself sometimes, I catch myself looking at other women on the streets or on a tv commercial. Fuck I'm just so horny and don't know what to do at times.

    That's part of my journey for now, I'll be more then happy to share more with you guys as the journey continues.
  2. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    Hello and welcome.

    Only your wife can say when you will resume your sexual relationship - it depends entirely on her emotional state (and how much she sees you suffering). Maybe don't make advances to her, just wait. She won't have the satisfaction of pushing you away, and you won't have the pain of rejection.

    As for being horny, what worked for me was No Arousal. I didn't let myself mentally undress women, or fantasize. I kind of pushed the thoughts away when they arose. Another technique that worked was that when I saw a hot chick in the street I'd try to work out where she was going and what she was doing, just based on her appearance. It meant I'd humanize her, not see her as a sex object. It sounds monk-like, but it was actually a relief when I didn't have to mentally undress women all the time.

    I think horny can also be an excuse for fear. We hide in porn. We escape into a fantasy world of sex rather than admit to our own unhappiness, or to avoid stress. Have you faced your innate fears through therapy? What are you hiding from when you are looking at porn or fantasizing?

    Keep on with your reboot. It's a journey into emotional control, but I think you've realized that already.
  3. Papa

    Papa New Member

    Hey thanks for your advice. If I don't advance on her she may think I'm not attracted to her, part of me does it cuz I'm horny and part of me does it so she knows I want her. I do other stupid things that maybe I shouldn't , like when she gets undressed in the closet I sneak a peak at her, sometimes I walk in on her while she's naked and hug her, she doesn't seen to mind that but at times she does. Sometimes I smell her panties after she wakes up and heads downstairs. I'm thinking now while typing this that it's wrong and I probably shouldn't even be typing that but I think it's helping me to realize that it's wrong and to stop. But how do I stop, it's easy for anyone to say stop but HOW? Sorry if I'm out of line by what I just typed. There's some real good stories here and by reading them and talking about my own issues helps.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    First off, great job for your 90 days clean, brother. :) That is a huge deal! And, welcome to YBR. This forum gave me my life back and that is not overstating things. The help you receive here is just incredible. Post regularly in your journal and help others as much as you can, is the first advice I would give. Together we are strong!

    Good that you've owned up. I was a serial cheater and I also got caught. Yes, P did drive you to an affair, that and not having the proper tools as an adult male to make good decisions for yourself. Here you will find those tools.

    She's hurt, just like my wife was. My wife endured the knowledge of two other women that I slept with. I sexted and had online sex with many more. So, yup, you're in the right place. :) The wife and I didn't have sex for two years, because she hated my guts and I couldn't stand her. But, somehow the love was always there, so we stayed together in our dysfunctional stew. Coming here gave me a new lease on life, a renewed sense of purpose. I began by just hugging my wife whenever the spirit moved me. She found it annoying sometimes, but it communicated that there was still love there. Your wife is still with you. Woo Hoo, this is wonderful and amazing. She loves you despite the fact that you crushed her soul. I also began complimenting my wife, even when it felt forced and sounded phony. Fake it til you make it, kind of thing. We enjoyed pecks on the lips together and I touched her more often.

    I've written all this stuff in my journal so I won't take anymore space up on yours. The great news is that you can, and will, get back to loving your wife and she you. It will be a different relationship, a better relationship, a more equal partnership, where everyone is healthier and happier. :) There is incredible momentum in our lives when we allow real change to take place and this momentum sweeps up everyone.

    I love what Wabi said about imagining where women are going as a strategy for de-sexualizing them.

    Here's a few things that worked for me.

    Cold showers as needed.

    Moving slowly. I mean that, I physically slow everything down. I eat slower, walk slower, etc.

    Read, if you haven't already, "No More Mr. Nice Guy." It's the first self-book that really changed things for me.

    Believe in the process. The process of No Fap is your dogma, your ideology, your church.

    Forgive yourself for not having the right tools. You didn't know what a good life looked like. Now, however, you are learning, so there are great things in store for you and your wife.

    The last one is SO important. You are healing yourself for you! Not your wife, not your kids, not your parents, not to save the world. It might feel selfish at first, but if you can't learn to love (or even like) yourself, then you will end up backsliding into the gutter.

    You will struggle, you will hurt, you will feel raw, but you will come out the other side an enlightened person. Looking forward to sharing your journey with you, brother.
    bobjes and titan_transcendence like this.
  5. dirtmeister

    dirtmeister New Member

    Having a wife that won't give you sex kinda defeats the purpose of having a wife, but I won't even go there. Tell her that obviously, being a recovering sex addict and all, if she doesn't submit to you then you'll have to seek it elsewhere.

    Having to sneak a peek at your own wife and run up on her and hug her by surprise when she's naked just to get a cheap feel sounds kind of gay to me, but again I won't go there. The PMO obviously drains our manhood in more ways than one.
  6. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi Papa,

    I think your hard reboot of 90 days is a great way to go... I have been through that myself, several times.

    I am a big believer in the non-sexual physical bonding approach when healing a relationship with a spouse and healing from PMO addiction. Lots of hand holding, kissing, hugs and cuddle. When fully in my PMO addiction I rarely wanted any of this and just resented not getting sexual intimacy when I want it on my terms. When the time is right for you two give the non-sexual intimacy a go and see what benefits are produced from the increase in Oxytocin.

    Stay well sir.
    titan_transcendence and Saville like this.
  7. dirtmeister

    dirtmeister New Member

    If your wife catches you sleeping with a whore and decides not to let you touch her, that I totally understand and to some degree even support. If you've been lying to your wife about sleeping with another woman and she catches you and gets vexed that I also understand and take it that's what the word "affair" means. What I don't understand is men walking down the aisle swearing to God and man to have only one sex partner for the rest of their lives like they themselves are women.
  8. Papa

    Papa New Member

    Makes a lot of sense finally and when I got married I never had intentions to have an affair, I just believe the porn addiction lead me to it. I know there's nobody to blame but myself, not even PMl, but sometimes I think if I wasn't watching the Internet/porn it would've never lead me to what I did. Seeing and knowing how hurt she is now I would've never done what I did. I fucked up and that's behind me now.
  9. Papa

    Papa New Member

    Fcj18 I have been trying to kiss and hug and caress her, even that sometimes too doesn't work. I just try to kiss her with a little bit of tongue and it's too much for her and she turns me away, again rejected. But it's my own fault for what I did to he. I just wish I could change the past and never watch P
  10. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    This. You have saved your marriage. That's a result.

    Sex is extra. It's a reward, not an expectation. Everything has to be in the right place, emotionally speaking, for both of you. And for now, your wife is still angry, and still wants to see you suffer. (If I was her I'd be the same.)

    I don't know much about sex addition - as a self-hating porn addict I was scared of intimacy, to tell you the brutal truth - but I'd suggest you are confusing sex and love. You don't have to prove to your wife that you love her through sex, you need to rebuild your relationship by being emotionally available for her.
    Papa, titan_transcendence and Saville like this.
  11. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    You don't need to feel rejected when she refused tongue. That will come down the road. I meant non-sexual physical intimacy the pair bonding things that Gary talks about at yourbrainonporn... I find this activity essential in recovery.
  12. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Hey Papa,


    The only thing you can do right now is work on yourself, for yourself.
    Become more accepting of yourself, healthier, happier, actively rebooting and rewiring.
    Things like the No Arousal approach from @Wabi-sabi . Go to the gym, whatever. You already did a 90 day reboot, now the journey starts to get yourself deeply healed.
    No More Mr Nice Guy is a good guide for that.
    When you do this for yourself you will become more solid, clearer, more manly, more direct. You will change over time, your wife will notice and because you become more solid in and of yourself she will learn to trust you again.

    On the other hand, if the focus is on her, you wanting something from her (intimacy, rewiring), making changes for her, she will pick up on that and reject you. To put it crudely (as a methaphor and not meant personally) "like the little whining boy wanting something from Mommie". I think you can see how unattractive that must be to any woman.

    It can become something like, "I am open to intimacy, if you are not ready that is ok as I will keep travelling my journey, just know that I am here for you."

    On a personal note, I have just noticed within myself that I do this "whining boy thing" very often when I am around women, I think it is quite funny how I do that. Now I notice it and try to comfort the whining boy in me, give him a hug, listen to the boy. Then get on with being the more focussed me.

    I am wishing you courage on the journey! And have fun too while you are at it :)
    Last edited: May 28, 2017
    Papa and Saville like this.
  13. Papa

    Papa New Member

    Which activity?
  14. Papa

    Papa New Member

    Thanks for the advise, so are you saying I should stop coming on to her and touching her in sexual ways that I have been doing? Remember when I was younger and my friends who would always pick up the girls in school/bars would tell me not to try so hard, the more you try the more you push them away. I guess it's true
  15. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    sorry, I did not mean to confuse things. I also do not want to push something just because it has worked for me... the "activity" should have been me reiterating the non-sexual physical touch... hand holding, hugs, cuddle etc. but like I said I should not necessarily be pushing this if... we all have to see what works in our individual situations. please accept my apology
    Papa likes this.
  16. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Yep it is true (-:

    Let her know you are there for her and do your own thing. Read the chapter on relationships in No More Mr Nice Guy. Here is the link.


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