New here. Tired of my porn problem

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Soberingtruth, Jul 21, 2019.

Tags:
  1. Soberingtruth

    Soberingtruth New Member

    I’m 25, in a serious relationship, and I have a 10 month old.
    I was hoping the birth of my wonderful little girl would change a darkness I’ve struggled with for a long time. Enter, my porn addiction, I’ve tried again and again off and on since I was probably 13. I can’t even explain what my triggers are, just randomly, maybe boredom sometimes triggers it?
    Anyway I need to shake this Vice, it hurts my relationship with my fiancé, it makes me ashamed to be around my daughter knowing the filth I’ve looked at. What are some tips or ways you all have avoided porn?
    Not to drone on but I’ve looked at some I feel like increasingly disturbing stuff, bizarre 3D stuff and taboo stuff. It sickens me the moment I’m through watching it yet I find myself watching it in another few days. Any words of advice are appreciated. I’m so sick of this habit. And ready to change. Thanks.
     
  2. doneatlast

    doneatlast Active Member

    There are lots of techniques and pitfalls. Maybe you can share what you've tried, so we can hone in on parts that need the most improvement?

    Triggers are tricky. Triggers don't always look like triggers, and sometimes they're completely random. Remember the profundity of Pavlov's dogs was that bells ringing had nothing to do with food except that the two got associated with each other. Even a time of day or sip of beer in the evening can be a trigger. Let each relapse be a little forensics study. What were you doing before you opened up the porn? What were you thinking about? How did you feel? What were you doing before that?

    It seems like you're considering emotional/psychological triggers, and that is good. For me, and for many others, the emotional stuff is the "final boss" after we've figured out all of the other techniques. Stress? Anxiety? Relationship concerns?

    Also, congratulations on the little girl! What a blessing that must be in your life.
     
  3. Soberingtruth

    Soberingtruth New Member

    Thanks man I appreciate the advice and time taken to reply, she is such a ball of joy. And entertaining as heck, always making crazy coo sounds and yelling out all adorably. It really is a blessing.
    As far as my triggers, yeah it’s hard to say, I’d be lying if I said me and my fiancé haven’t had a lot of ups and downs, sometimes hanging on by a thread, but we’ve kept it together. I feel like perhaps when I’m distant from her, maybe due to unrelated arguments (aka non-porn related) that I find myself relapsing into porn. So I know it’s acting as some kind of escape when I’m not happy in my relationship or with my current dealings, with said relationship. Should I bring this up with her or would that be putting a guilt trip on her for when we end up arguing, like “When you argue with me I end up struggling with porn” seems slightly like a cop out.
     
  4. doneatlast

    doneatlast Active Member

    It depends on how you bring it up with her, I suppose. If you tell her "when we argue and have problems, it makes me upset and anxious, and I go to dark places I don't want to go to" it can potentially open a good conversation. But as you said, saying "when we argue I go to porn" definitely puts a lot on her shoulders. The women in the lives of a porn addict tend to take more blame than is justified anyway, so keep that in mind. Some matter-of-fact statements about your state right now can be incredibly hurtful, simply because she is a woman in your life and it is porn. Plenty of thoughts of adequacy, cheating, and so forth are par for the course. Does she know about the porn at this point?

    As a start, maybe think about what can keep you together when things don't go well. Are you anxious because prior relationships fell apart? Because there is something in this relationship that makes you nervous? It might be helpful to look up "attachment theory" and see if any of the attachment types ring true. It isn't true that some blissful state of relationship status will eliminate porn addiction, so it is more likely going to be a refinement of you, how you relate to the relationship, to yourself within the relationship, and how you weather the storms. Getting the storms to be calmer and resolved better is a noble goal, but probably a different one.
     
  5. Soberingtruth

    Soberingtruth New Member

    True, thanks yeah I haven’t heard of the attachment theory.
    I admitted to her about a year ago I struggle with porn, Twas a difficult conversation. But unfortunately as far as she knows I’ve gotten it under control. Which I don’t think I have, this is the first time I’ve sought advice that’s actually legitimate about this problem so I appreciate it to the umpteenth degree.
     

Share This Page