New Here, have some questions

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Spin The Black Circle, Aug 12, 2022.

  1. Hi all, I originally joined nofap but communication seems to be hit and miss there.

    I discovered this forum in hopes I could get some answers.

    I am 44 and have been doing PMO excessively for about 6 years. I have finally hit a place where I am done being a prisoner and already have a 4 day streak.
    My PMO is unique as it wasn't necessarily porn stars or other women, but my PMO involved images of my own wife. I created a different version of her for myself using her nude photos. Things escalated and I began sharing them publicly. She knows about this and actually doesn't care. Not in the sense that she has some kind of kink but she's well aware that her body is just one body in a sea of millions of bodies shown on the internet.

    I have overcome that portion of sharing. And now have begun trying to get my life back so I can enjoy the rest of my years with her and also, her enjoy the rest of her years with me. With no resentment or ill begotten hate that I cannot ejaculate due to DE and PIED.

    I guess my questions are these:

    1. Has anyone gone through this unique situation?
    2. During Reboot, should I abstain from sex with her?
    3. It seems I have already begun flatlining in the last day or so, is this something that I should be positive about that things are seedlings of new beginnings?
    4. I am not necessarily desensitized to porn but it does not arouse me - only her images. How do I avoid simple things like receiving dopamine rewards by watching her take a shower or change or whatever? This is extremely complicated as I cannot find anyone dealing with my similar dilemma.
    5. The urges for PMO are not even there now. Urination has begun to be difficult - will this change?
    6. What other things should I do on my road to recovery at the at of 44?
     
    Mad Dog likes this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It doesn't matter whether you are into femdom, shemales, gay porn, anal, etc....it's all porn! Your wife is just a proxy for your addiction to pixels. I'm surprised your wife is "fine" with you putting her image on the internet, because that is a huge breach of trust. I've done stupid/bad things, too. I've cheated on my wife and at one time was addicted to cybering. All of these things diminish us as men. All of these things take away our male power. You obviously never learned good life skills, which is true of all of us on this forum. It's great you're here, because you have the opportunity to really change your life.

    At 44 you're a youngster. As for what you should do to recover you can read the interventions I used in my success story, if you feel like it.
     
  3. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    welcome my brother,
    i agree with Saville, at 44 you are very young and have the rest of your life to fix it, one day at a time. this is your wife, if she wants to have sex, do it. best antidote for porn is real sex with someone you love. real, caring, intimate sex. be kind to yourself, we have all fucked up one way or another to get our porn fix. put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing. work on you, everything else will fall in place. welcome again, read all the other old timers blog, there's a gold mine there. praying for you.
     
  4. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    Welcome @Spin The Black Circle. Interesting name!

    you are definitely in the right place.

    I am also much older (61) but a relative newcomer here as well.

    @Saville and @badger have already offered you great advice! And their strong support and encouragement have been instrumental to many brothers here, including myself.

    And while everyone’s journey and situation are a bit unique, here is some personal advice from my own 73 days of no PM, M or F.

    First of all take each day one at time. Each day will feel a bit different and of course you will encounter different triggers. Celebrate your victory each day.

    it’s very important to develop your own unique mental tools to stop yourself. I’ve listed my own in my thread. Some days will be extremely hard. Try to stay vigilant and fight relentlessly to control yourself.

    you mentioned your addiction of using photos of your wife to masturbate. I had a period like that as well - but traditional porn of increasing intensity has been my personal prison. The key is to avoid behavior patterns, web sites, etc that facilitate compulsive and unhealthy behavior.

    With strength, patience and commitment, your PIED and DE should eventually go away.

    There are many books on porn addiction mentioned in people’s threads. Read as many as possible - especially on very tough days.

    always give yourself time to think how bad you will feel afterwards - before considering indulging in a moment of weakness.

    you asked about having sex with your wife. I think anything you do with your wife is OK, as long as she is understanding and you don’t feel pressured in regard to PIED or DE.

    I definitely went through flatline periods and expect that to continue at times. you need to learn to accept how your body is reacting. Everyone is a bit different. Don’t worry if “things are working.” If at all possible - You should not touch yourself without your wife with you.

    as was discussed earlier, The key is to focus on developing healthy behaviors in place of your bad ones.

    you mentioned getting triggered by the sight of your wife naked. The important thing is to only react to it physically with your wife. Do not indulge in “private sessions”

    we all have potential “p subs”. Do your best to avoid them or at least not to let them advance to actually acting on them.

    personally - P subs are my greatest threat and temptation. I am down to viewing them about once a week rn. I have also added a timer mentality and keep it to 2-3 min. I then focus on all my mental tools again. So far it has worked well. But I will not drop my guard and am working hard to lesson the frequency.

    But overall - I feel sooo much healthier and alive since I stopped having P or M in my life. Also - you mentioned your wife is aware of your situation. Her reaction to you sharing her nude photos was a bit surprising and you should be extremely appreciative. I’m curious if her face was visible as well? Hopefully - she will continue to be supportive.

    not familiar with any urination issues. If anything, I now pee with more vigor. I’m sure it will pass.

    you mentioned a “different version” of your wife in your PMO sessions. Maybe once you have established a solid track record of no bad behaviors - she would be open to some role play together - allowing you to merge your secret life into your real one?

    overall. Please work hard on improving all aspects of your life and behavior. It will make this journey much easier and more deeply satisfying for yourself, your wife, your job, your family, friends, etc.

    stay active with YBR - using your thread as a means to journal your experiences. Also learn from reading others’ threads and experiences. I have found being active on YBR extremely helpful in staying on my desired path.

    best of luck on your journey! Stay strong and focused!
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2022
  5. Thanks guys for your well wishes and wisdom.

    I had sex this morning with her and no O. But she was very happy.

    What my prison was was trying to walk away, knowing she was aware of what was going on but the guilt set in. And then me scouring the internet every day, sometimes 3-4 hours a day seeing if she was posted somewhere. That is what sucked me back in every time. I do need to go back and take down what was put up by others. Which is easy with all the new privacy laws. I just don't think I am strong enough to do it yet.
    So for now, I just stop looking for her.
    Regular porn, fetish porn, things of that nature, I am, thankfully, entirely impervious too. I had a major porn addiction in my 20's that I overcame. Which, in my case now, that is how I was entrapped. I thought I was above it all. I thought, "I beat this a long time ago and pictures of my wife aren't porn." That was the lie I fell for.

    I appreciate the responses and advice. I have beaten porn before and went years without it. If anyone needs help with that, please do not hesitate to message me. We all go through our things but I believe 100% I can overcome this. But this particular addiction, I can tell you all, is the hardest I have ever had to confront. Harder than my old porn addiction.
    I definitely will start journaling in here tomorrow.
     

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