New Here - Finally Serious About Stopping

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by harvesterofsorrow, Mar 5, 2016.

  1. Where's the summer? Where's the sun?
    Mute the violence, mute the drums
    Up from Highland, down to Plum

    Here November hopes were high
    You said you would and so did I
    You climbed the stairs and waved goodbye

    And down below the rainy street
    The drawl of car wheels on autumn leaves
    I'm full of doubt, still I believe

    'Cause if you're lucky there comes a bloom
    That folds the night and fills your room
    Your victory waltz, your never too soon

    Gone, gone
    Gone, gone, gone

    Should we return what we became?
    To be so fearless, to be so brave?
    The loss in loss has never changed

    Entire lives have gone oppressed
    And this is surely safe to guess
    The ghost of living is worse than death

    And down below the lonely street
    And far from there the silver sea
    And further still you from me

    Gone, gone
    Gone, gone, gone

    Gone, gone
    Gone, gone, gone
     
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I had to type in the lyrics to see what song it was. It's a cool song. He practically whisper the entire thing.

    I really like this. Living in a world of porn and fantasy is like being a ghost and it IS very much worse than death. We oppress ourselves, helped out by chemistry, and then we slink around in the shadowlands.

    This forum is such a bloom and the men herein.
    We are never too soon, nor too late, for our victory waltz. 8)
     
  3. Saville, glad you liked the lyrics! And even more glad that you have a curious mine to research the author. I usually credit the lyrics but was lazy this time. FYI, Matthew Ryan is absolutely one of the very finest artists and songwriters working today. If you like these lyrics, check out the man's entire catalog. Top 5 artist of all time for me and hope he earns another well-deserved fan :)
     
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I will definitely be listening to more of Matthew Ryan! Thanks bro'.
     
  5. Awesome let me know what u think!
     
  6. wow, over two months since i posted here! and almost 100 days! crazy. never thought i'd say that. but the journey has not been without its setbacks and scars. 2 months post-divorce and i'm still dealing with fresh wounds it seems. i've largely traded the P for booze and prescription pills. committed to getting sober in all ways in 2017 and my success in avoiding the P gives me the confidence that i can deal with the drink. i tell ya...like P...i never thought in a million years i'd actually consider that i might be an alcoholic. i won't go that far yet. but i'm definitely a problem drinker and it seems i need SOME kind of mood alteration to get by. that's the bottom line. so, yeah, i can't seem to cope with reality on its own terms. but i know i need to. and i know i gotta stay away from booze and pills. i need to come here more often for sobriety support, period. guys, i hope you're all doing well and that 2017 is a victorious year for all of us.

    final thoughts for 2016...lyrics from Blue October's "Fear"...wonderful lyrics and great song from a great band...Justin F., you are an inspiration to me and i'm so glad you've found a way to move on...your songs help me so much...

    "Fear"

    All my life
    Been running from a pain in me
    A feeling I don't understand
    Holding me down

    Rain on me
    Underwater
    All I am, getting harder
    A heavy weight
    I carry around.

    Today
    I don't have to fall apart
    I don't have to be afraid
    I don't have to let the damage
    consume me,
    My shadow see through me

    Fear in itself
    Will reel you in and spit you out
    Over and over again
    Believe in yourself
    And you will walk
    Fear in itself
    Will use you up and break you down
    like you were never enough
    I used to fall, now I get back up.

    I'm up here
    I'm looking at the way down there
    I'm staring through the I don't care
    It's staring back at me

    The beauty is
    I'm learning how to face my beast
    Starting now to find some peace
    Set myself free

    Today,
    I don't have to fall apart
    I don't have to be afraid
    I don't have to let the damage
    consume me,
    My shadow see through me

    Fear in itself
    Will reel you in
    And spit you out over and over again
    Believe in yourself
    and you will walk
    Fear in itself
    Will use you up and break you down
    like you were never enough
    I used to fall but now I get back up

    I'm moving on
    Oh God just move on
    Today,
    I don't have to fall apart
    I don't have to be afraid....
    Get back up
    Get up

    Fear in itself will use you up
    And break you down just like you're
    never enough
    I used to fall

    Breathe,
    Ask for more
    if you're bitter still
    Ask Him to help you carry on.
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2016
  7. okay, so i lied...one more post before 2017 it seems. i'm at 100 days and it feels AWE-SOME. but like i said before, i'm realizing more and more that the P is just an element to a larger dysfunction that i've suffered from pretty much all my adult life...a need to escape reality...a need to feel something else. i've used P. i've used alcohol. i've used pills. i've used anger. i've used fear and anxiety. i've used moral superiority. i've pretty much used it all. but the P was the drug that distracted me the longest and best. but like all "drugs"...it got less and less effective. to the point where the mere ritual of downloading, deleting, repeating was the thrill itself. so over the last year -- but especially the last 100 days obviously -- i betrayed my first love, porn, and chased a newer thrill...booze. but, wow, that wore off even faster. very little thrill. but it was *different*. but shitty. very little high and plenty of soul-bleeding and self-contempt...just as much as the P it turns. all those shiny liquids are just like the beautiful, perfect bodies presented in lurid ways to excite...but ultimately empty and unsatisfying. i call bullshit.

    so, anyway, here i am two days before 2017 begins and, six hours ago, was planning on a "last" trip to the convenience mart for some "last" beers. but i recognized it was all for nothing, all empty promises, vapor. so i said bullshit and did my afternoon walk. much better choice.

    i'm unemployed...divorced and lonely...missing her even though she hates me and will never talk to me again...i'm a big disappointment in most phases in my life. but i have a few bucks saved up thank God and that's the only thing that suggests i'm not a complete failure in the world's eyes. but i'm starting to see me as God says He sees me and i'm starting to listen. i am worth self-respect. i am worth the faith. i am worth a sober mind and body. and she..the she i will find someday when the Lord designates...she's worthy of a better man than i've been also.

    so onward brothers. whether you're on day 10,000, 1,000, 100 or day 1...keep on keeping on and believing that life still has some surprises waiting for you once you decide to step back into the game...

    God bless you all in 2017!
     
  8. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Member

    all my best wishes to you for the new year. i look forward to catching up with your journal in the new year. many of us have other addictions too.

    congratulations on 100 days. thats some achievement.
     
  9. thanks newleaf! and welcome back if i haven't already said. yes, seldom does self-destructive behavior not pour into multiple areas of one's life, eh? but we can heal them all! 2017 is OUR year :)
     
  10. Re-connected with a very old friend today and felt great! There's some history with this person and my sister and some real damage that came out of the relationship amongst all parties but 20+ years is a long time and it's true that time does heal all wounds (or most). I got caught up in the middle of it all but he was like a brother in some ways. Very cool to talk again. Another benefit of not having P on the mind all day...actually re-establishing relationships and mending fences. I have the energy to do it! I did have to sneak in an O this morning after two weeks of no M but other than that it's been incredibly smooth sailing and I really feel like a corner has been turned, a thorn has finally removed from my side (thank you Jesus). Feels great. Now focusing on tackling life issues: getting new job, working on health issues, exercising, drinking less to zero, finding a way to meet a new girl eventually. All good things. Peaces my friends...
     
  11. Things are good. Not great but good. 2017 is, psychologically for me, much better than a year ago this time. I feel hopeful. 2nd interview for a job on Monday but still haven't made a dime since July. And yet I feel hopeful. A lot of that, I believe, has to do with simply not hating myself for using porn. I'm not sure I ever realized just how much self-hate I had for myself for using porn. It didn't just damage my relationships, my opportunities, my body...it damaged my psychology and mental well-being. I hated myself for being so weak and...dirty. And now I don't feel that way about myself. I feel like I'm the person I am: lovable, likable, and mentally sound. So many new revelations to come but it feels pretty freakin' good right now where I'm at. Gonna be a good year.
     
  12. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Well said sir. Thanks for sharing.
     
    harvesterofsorrow likes this.
  13. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    Harvester,

    Very well said these are extremely wise words, you describe exactly my wretched many years stuck in porn which were an endless journey of self hate that the porn brought on. But even during the darkest days God still loves us and wants better for us and is there to help if we only turn to Him. For it was these sins his only Son, Jesus Christ died for our sins. No matter how much porn destroys our minds, bodies, and souls there's always that love from God and Jesus that will never go away. It was my realizing this fact, that has forced me to continue trying to get back on my feet no matter how many times I feel to PMO, because there was always hope. The words in your post really strike home, the "I hated myself for being so weak and...dirty." Wow, the summarizes perfectly how I felt for many years. You're also spot on with how good the recovery process is, and how it slowly begins to strangle those feelings of self hate and we begin to like and love the person we are the further we get away from porn. I am beginning to feel those feeling of love and goodness now that I have reached 8 days free from PMO. It's been a real struggle, but the rewards are so great.

    Keep up the fight you are doing great, and you're a real inspiration to struggling guys like myself who are early in the journey to be PMO free. We all may be at different stages in the recovery process but we are all united together for one goal - to be PMO free.

    Rex
     
    harvesterofsorrow likes this.
  14. Rex, thanks man. Appreciate the comments and totally agree. I know there are sorts of different persuasions on this board in terms of belief systems but, like you, it's being Christ-focused that has helped me most in this recovery. Joseph Prince's sermons helped me HUGELY over the last couple years as I learned to become more focused on my righteousness in Jesus and not my faults. By doing that...even when I was using...like Prince said...the chains started to break free. Blessings man...stay the course...you are on your way for sure !
     
  15. ananoman

    ananoman Active Member

    God forgives you. Now you just need to be able to forgive yourself. I Just started reading Joyce Meyer's "Battlefield of The Mind" and it is a real eye opener in how relevant it is to our struggle here on this forum. Might want to check it out.
     
    harvesterofsorrow likes this.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Wow, this is exciting news!! :) You are all things and many more.
     
  17. Guys, thanks so much for the kind words...means a lot. Ananoman...not real familiar with Joyce Meyer but will check it out. I have so many books on the list right now but what's one more!

    Saville, as always, you put some sunshine into every conversation :)
     
  18. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    Hi Harvester and Happy New YEAR TO YOU

    This is my first post on your journal. It is great to read how well you are doing. It is inspiring and we all need inspiration. I am a kinda odd ball here. In a previous incarnation I was on the site struggling with PMO and amazingly got clear of it and I guess it has been over 4 years since I viewed P. however pre my PMO days I had other compulsions around sex involving massage parlours and the like and up to about 18 months ago I had got free of those. 18 months ago a combination of cockiness and curiosity saw me sleepwalk back into a massage parlour and since then it has been shit. I come here because I recognise that whatever form the compulsion takes around sex it has the same powerful dynamics and the same struggles are evident. I accept now without reservation that I use sex as a mask to avoid deeper issues and the need to look plainly at myself. everyone here seems to have that in common. There is a lot of compassion nd understanding here and part of the real value of this place is the way it helps us to focus on others , to keep our feet on the ground and be less self-absorbed. I need to work on a plan and posting here needs to be part of it no matter what reasons my rational head comes up with as to why I should not. I think that in part I was successful eventually with the PMO because I was rigidly stubborn about reading and posting. I would love to be a care free , take it or leave it kind of guy ; I am not . I have an addictive personality and a deep need to bury my uncomfortable feelings ; queue Addict. No judgement ; that is a part of who I am and my best chance to live a happier life is to recognise and accept that. Wishing it could be otherwise or being pissed that it is not is just an open offer for the addict to say well come on then let's just indulge , you might as well. Not today and pray God not for any of the rest of the days of this my short life. God bless and give you courage.
     
    harvesterofsorrow likes this.
  19. Amen man, I hear ya. I wish I could look at P like normal people do. But I can't. And, sure, at the end of the day it's not a good thing for people or society in general so, really, not a huge loss. Or should't be. But man it's taken SO LONG to get to this place where I can say "no big loss" and it sorts of rings true. It used to be a lie. My life had become anchored around the P activities. Dowload, beat off it, feel guilty, delete...start over. Over and over. Never thought I'd truly be free. But now I do. I know I am. It's now just about getting my behavior consistent with that truth. Definitely getting there. And yet a long way to go. But there's value in the climb, the struggle, the journey. Glad you're here and taking it seriously. This is serious shot...it's our lives. We MUST take it seriously. Looking forward to your posts!
     
  20. Day 114. Wow. Doesn't feel that long. And yet the worst of this addiction seems like a distant bad nightmare. Can't get complacent and forget all the tears it's caused me. Don't think I will this time. Every other time I'd gone 30 days or more I was secretly plotting my return. But not this time. Thank you Lord. Not much else to say. Peace ya'll.
     

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