New Here - Finally Serious About Stopping

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by harvesterofsorrow, Mar 5, 2016.

  1. I traveled so far but I couldn't win
    Anyone's heart who wouldn't give in
    To my awkward demands, to the demon me
    It's a good thing the wine still agreed with me.
    -- The Demon Me (Come Clean), Rome
     
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    There's a song for everything, isn't there. You're doing great!
     
  3. Saville...there are *ten* songs fo every whim! Seriously music comes right after Jesus, my family and country. And, thank God, way before porn! So why did I waste so much time on it??? Nevertheless onward and upward!

    Hope you are good tonight as well my friend !
     
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    For me, music definitely comes before my country. Except Country. ;D I love how it can just pick you up and transport you somewhere awesome in a second. I just dug my old turntable out of the garage and I'm going to start playing records again. I want to slow everything down. I like watching the arm of the stereo move over the LP, descend, and then start grooving in the grooves. 8) Porn is instant gratification and part of the process of healing for me is to start enjoying the little things. Yesterday a woman passed me in a store and her perfume just thrilled me. It's been a long time since I even noticed something like that.

    Another great day to keep on trucking without P. :D
     
  5. truth be told, yes, music comes before...um, nations...my nation i guess. but maybe it's just not a fair comparison, right? i'd probably die for my country but i wouldn't die for music. but i'd die *without* music!

    yes, the little things start to become significant again when you step away from the P. i am a reformed audiophile and when i get away from P my love for just *enjoying* music comes back. my sense of awe at the talent and craft. it gets lost...the appreciation of all the good things in life...when P is the monster that is and front and center. so, hell yeah, it's great to be enjoying these "little" but so important things again. color is returning...

    stay strong and moving forward today, Saville! i will as well...
     
  6. And Jesus was a sailor when He walked upon the water
    And He spent a long time watching from His lonely wooden tower
    And when He knew for certain only drowning men could see Him
    He said all men shall be sailors until the sea shall free them
    But He Himself was broken
    Long before the sky would open
    Forsaken, almost human
    He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone.
    -- "Suzanne" Leonard Cohen
     
  7. Tony74

    Tony74 Guest

    You are doing great, keep up the good work!
     
  8. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Keep going, break all former streak records and see how your brain really functions under "normal" circumstances. You'll be amazed.
     
  9. thanks gents for the support means a lot. 40...you're a great motivator...your words tantalize. Can't wait to see how the future feels!
     
  10. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I'm glad, the thing is that no PMO is such a game changer. I want you to get to that point to where you see it and feel it...in my journey it takes at least 3 months to start seeing and feeling it on a daily basis (but even at that point I wasn't completely done yet).
     
  11. 40, that really gets me pumped man. i mean, i have to admit i'm a little impatient...i want immediate gratification (that's what got me in this mess!)...so the idea of having to wait another two months...yuck. but the cool thing about where my head is at right now is that *every* other time i'd gone this far, i was already conceding defeat in the future...looking forward to fallback even. i mean, i never thought i'd actually NEVER look at P again, you know? but, now....it's different. i just feel different. i give that up to the Lord for the most part. but i have to say i'm proud of myself for finally just maybe getting sick to death enough of the endless cycle...that void i've been in for so long...that maybe i truly really am capable of never going back. that excites me so much. so that in of itself is its own reward. but, man, i will take your word for it and really just enjoy the though of being 90 days clean and feeling very different. thanks bro for the encouragement. this goes to everyone who posts regularly here: YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE. just sharing and being honest and getting back up. we're all getting there together.
     
  12. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I'm excited to hear that you have gotten to that point where you see this being a life long commitment. I've always been totally convinced that I was completely done, I've gotten past 3 months totally clean a few times, I definitely thought I was done with porn but got suckered back by the lizard brain.

    I'm not going to lie you could go through some rough spots in the next couple of months, I've had really bad days (hours, mornings, afternoons) in the 60's and 70's, withdrawals. You might not.

    But, I'm am telling you that once you break through into this place of virtually total mental clarity you will understand that it was 10000% more worth it to stay clean.

    The trouble is that this is an addiction, and addiction means there is a part of your brain that wants what the addiction gives you (it really believes this is good for you). It bides it's time and waits for an opening. Don't even give it a chance to hit, install k9 on your computers, when cravings hit you immediately get out of the house, call someone, get out of the pattern.

    If it does take you down once, never believe the lie it tells you next...just one more time, just once more. That is the death spiral vortex. One fuck up is truly a minor blip on the radar if it's just one...but one fuck up always brings you face to face with the spiral, and the spiral looks so beautiful.

    That is addiction.

    Letting God into your life is a big piece of the puzzle, there is a God and God is pure love, it loves you and wants you to become whole.

    Let's get clean and stay clean together, as long as it takes.
     
  13. Amen brother. And your warnings do not fall on deaf ears. At all. I know I'm not invincible...intimately so. This is going to sound insane and I know I won't be judged for saying it...but I believe my drinking (secretly) is my way of substituting one evil for another lesser. To get me through the worst. Rationalizing? Playing with fire? Maybe. But I will do anything to avoid P right now. Even substituting one bad habit for another. I think this goes to one of my core issues at the heart of all my problem behaviors. My desperate need for my own identity. Due to family issues I've never really had that. The secret lives are my way of defining my own space. I know I should be doing that in healthy ways. And I will. I just need to get to 90 days...a new frontier for me....and I will let go of everything. I know I can and will. I probably don't make a lick of sense right now and thsts okay. It makes some kind of crazy sense to me. Thanks as always 40 for your wisdom and ears....be well yourself. I sense that we both are going places we've never been before. Amazing places.
     
  14. and aren't you glad just to be alive?
    yes, this is possible
    you've got no cross to bear tonight
    no not tonight
    -- "Dishes" by Pulp
     
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Been there, done that, with the secret places. It's a place so sucky there isn't even a souvenir shop in sight. I have been the king of hiding things. I wrote in my journal how lying felt entirely normal to me. I didn't lie about everything, just those things that I thought smoothed over the edges. So, I didn't lie about the size of fish I caught or how much I could lift at the gym. No, I just kept those things private that would make people feel bad, or cause a confrontation, or create a hassle for me, because in my mind they didn't matter. Of course, later I did some big lying by having affairs, but that was the culmination of years of keeping sacred my secret place. Our normal is to hide and hiding led us to all that we face now. This journey isn't just about having sex with my wife again, or feeling like I've still got a healthy boner when I need it, but facing those fears that keep us stuck. Anyway, hopefully this doesn't sound like I'm preaching. I know you know all this. Be careful about your P substitutes is what I'm saying. :)

    I love your final line. We're going "amazing places." We totally are!
     
  16. Saville..thanks so much for your wisdom. Totally hear what youre saying. Yes I'm concerned about the substitution factor. But not as much as returning to porn. I know I'm on thin ice but I feel like this a reasonable compromise. I know the world wouldnt see it this way but I don't know if I can do otherwise right now. thank you for reminding me that I'm on dangerous ground. I know I am and I neec to change course. I will not ignore this. I will deal bro...
     
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is true. Somewhere along the line we found it unsafe to be ourselves. We've never accepted as a given that we are beautiful as we are and deserving of love, affection, and safety. So, we seek out those who will keep us part of this ugly status-quo. And, because we project this persona of not being worthy, our partners pick up on this. They become the mother figure who shames and withholds love. Our partners have their own addictions, which are in some cases just as ruinous as P. My wife is addicted to being busy. She's on the phone, on the computer, or doing something else that makes her unavailable to me for intimacy. Your ex is an alcoholic. Of course, like all addicts it's easier to see the "speck is someone else's eye, than the log in our own." In other words, both people grew up unhealthy and created their own world of dysfunction to pass down to future generations.

    You mentioned somewhere that you needed to lean on God and let him do the heavy lifting. I do believe in a bigger power, but I think that bigger power gives us the capacity to DO the heavy lifting. This could just be a matter of semantics here. Remember that anything that numbs us leads us back to P. Part of that heavy lifting is fighting through the pain and letting ourselves feel. Yesterday I found it very hard not to drink. I found it very hard not to eat chocolate. I found it somewhat hard not to MO. Today I feel better physically and emotionally for having stood up for myself.

    We are your champions and you need to stand up for yourself. Go without the booze today if you can, HarvestofSorrow. You have so much to offer the world.
     
  18. Perrcivval

    Perrcivval Guest

    Keep at it...these bad things (temptations, anxiety, etc) are TEMPORARY...bear them,do not relapse,and they will be GONE with time... then you wont find them even if you search for them..
     
  19. guys, thanks for the feedback and support. i feel really good about the streak and feel very confident i'm going to set all sorts of personal bests. and, God willing, i will make it this time. Saville, i agree with you for the most part however part of my success right now came from me just admitting to the Lord that i COULDN"T beat this thing alone. that i really needed His help. and this i think i actually meant it when i said i wanted to finally give this up. so it's been a real breakthrough and i have to give the credit to Jesus when i say this is the easiest time i've ever had with temptations so deep into a streak. i feel He is carrying me right now. but, yes, agree that it's our desire for purity that activates the ability for God to work within us. at least for me. i'm rambling right now. just happy to be where i'm at and have this forum and my accountability partner!
     
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're right, sometimes we just need to be carried as we surrender. You're doing great!
     

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