New Here - Finally Serious About Stopping

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by harvesterofsorrow, Mar 5, 2016.

  1. Fell off the wagon this weekend. Man I definitely know where the saying old habits die hard comes from. Ugh. Not really even tempted but sure gave in easy these last two stumbles. Onward though...no pity parties...
     
  2. You can stand all night at a red light anywhere in town
    Hailing Marys left and right
    but none of them slow down
    I've seen the best of men go past
    give me something fast
     
  3. Wish I knew what you were looking for
    Might have known what you would find.
     
  4. Memories are just where you laid them
    Dragging the waters til the depths give up their dead
    What did you expect to find?
    Was it something you left behind?
     
  5. All I want
    All I need
    All I've got is Providence
     
  6. feeling very stressed today so just going to get it out. lots of stressful stuff going on...like everyone i'm sure...just seems to be hitting critical mass. and, for once, i'm recognizing beforehand how this stress could very easily push me back into surfing for P. and it's weird how that usually happens. it's not like this tug-of-war struggle where i'm trying my hardest to NOT give in! i usually just give in in like just a fraction of a second...before i've even processed how stupid that decision is...how i'm going to regret breaking a decent sober streak. no, it's just usually i go "hey, i could look at P and jack off right now" and, boom, done deal.

    but right now i'm very, very conscious of how that works and i'm sort of pre-empting the possibility (claiming it!) by acknowledging not only the triggers (stress, stress, stress) but how the second i'm NOT conscious of how easily it is to slip for me...i fall down. so i feel good right now that i'm vigilant against a slip...i'm cool right now in that regard.

    but i also know i need to work "the system" whatever that might be. guess i'm finding out what that means for me by coming here and sharing and reading others' journeys. i think one of the biggest traps i can fall into is the feeling-sorry-for-myself frame of mind where i sort of rationalize using because my life is so f'ed up in general. how so you ask? well, i'm co-dependent in a very dysfunctional family. my (soon to be ex-) wife would say that my crazy family is the root of my problems in general and she might be right. i mean, i'm a 43 man living at home even though i make nearly six figures. why? good question. not sure i want to go that deep yet into my emotional baggage in this area just yet...

    so, anyway, i've usually rationalized that my sex-less existence and my pathetic reliance on a very crazy family (but i love them...and they are lovable in many ways) gives my license -- hell, i DESERVE it -- to look at P. and that's bullshit. i'm really starting to get that now. it's utter bullshit. my circumstances DO NOT give me license to further damage myself and isolate myself and cripple myself. i HAVE to figure that out. it's now or never. and i don't want to concede never. i won't. i'm better than this habit, this fucking addiction. i deserve better than the bed i've made.

    so knowing that...keeping that front and center of my mind...it's really helping. and, hey, one other insight that's really helping. this should not be such a duh kind of statement but it is.....women....i shouldn't objectify them. that's really terrible. i know w'ere "hardwired" to be visual as guys and physical attraction is normal...but, man, i had really let myself slip into a place where my thought life was just getting super polluted by objectifying thoughts about women. i started to view them in my real life (hidden in plain sight and all because, hey, i'm a NICE guy) as just a 1 to 10 scale. and useful as fodder for my secret thought life. not as humans. that's scary. wow. i'm kind of sickened when i really think about how i let myself get to this point. it goes against everything i believe in spiritually.

    okay, i've written enough. i feel better. thanks for reading and keep the faith, fellas...
     
  7. There is a crack
    A crack in everything
    That's how the light gets in.
     
  8. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    If you can go two weeks, you can go two months, and two years, and two decades. One day at a time. :)
     
  9. I don't need a doctor to figure it out
    I know what's passing me by
    When I look in the mirror I see traces of some other guy.
     
  10. A Streetcar

    A Streetcar New Member

    Good luck and don't give up.
     
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    There is always a dichotomy in how we act and what we believe. Society forces us all into boxes and we struggle with identify from infancy. Some people become self-actualized, but not many. The fact that you're (we're) having these conversation is huge. Your wife is probably right about you returning to the scene of the crime, namely moving back in with your parents. But, we sometimes have to take these steps in order to realize it ourselves. The awesome thing is you are moving forward. Focus on your needs and not anyone else's!
     
  12. Thanks saville. I agree....getting these feelings out is a huge part of the process. Thanks God for this forum for people like you (and you and you)!
     
  13. But I'm always alone
    And my heart is like ice
    And its crowded and cold
    In my secret life.
     
  14. Drinking secretly a lot lately. Don't feel good about this...trading one very shameful addiction with another slightly less shameful. But I'll honest...drinking *seems* less evil than porn. I know..,I'm rationalizing. I'm more proud of 15 days P free than I am ashamed of increasing drinking lately. I'll worry about the exchanging one damaging habit for another later. swear. Peace my brothers in arms...
     
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Drinking, binge eating, and P are all related, imo. I think you're right that P for you, right now, is worse. But, be vigilant about yourself and the habits you sink into. My wife has been away this week and I've gone out with buddies drinking three times. Once I even walked over to my alcoholic neighbour, knowing he would offer me booze. Yes, it kept me away from the P, but it's hardly a good filler long term. I know you know this, but thought I'd chime in with the obvious. I'm struggling too.

    You are really doing great. Fifteen days is like money in the bank. No one can take that away brother. Keep pushing forward on all fronts. You're worth it! We're all worth it!
     
  16. Savile you're spot on in your thoughts. Yes for me right now having victory over P trumps the drinking issue. But it can quickly escalate to where I'm doing both agsin. Going to make a clean break this week. As we all know...the urge to do any of these desfructive things is either about escaping our reality or punishing ourselves in some way. Broad strokes I know but those are generally true for me.

    Thanks for the encoursgrment Saville! Soldier on...
     
  17. You were the seeker
    But you found there's nothing to find
    It'll all come round to in its own good time.
    No ones the older no ones the wiser no one cares
    Sometimes the truest gold comes from the hand of the thief.
     
  18. I wish I didn't drink I wish I didn't need the pills
    I wish just once that my behavior matched up to my needs
    I wish you were alive now then you could help me.
    And they say that its them and its us
    And they say that its you and its me
    But now I believe its just me against me against me.
     
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    But we're all for you! :D
     
  20. Thanks man means a lot!
     

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