New Here - Finally Serious About Stopping

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by harvesterofsorrow, Mar 5, 2016.

  1. Hey all,

    I'm here to officially take this seriously and start journaling.

    I'm 43 and have been a PMO addict for at least 20 years now. Really, ever since I got online in '95 I've been addicted. I have wasted many thousands of hours. It used to make me cry how much life I've deprived myself over these two decades...but it is what it is. I can accept the loss that's already transpired. But I am unwilling to accept further loss.

    So the basic facts of my situation...Day 7 of recovery and 100% finally kicking this addiction/habit for good. I believe I am already set free by Christ from any sinful addiction...decided to finally live in that freedom.

    Like many here, I haven't had much success in relationships due to my addiction. I am currently married but have been separated for almost two years and going through a divorce. The marriage lasted only about a year. Sad, I know. While she had many issues that she brought into the marriage...alcoholism the biggest one...I take full accountability for my addiction in contributing to the failure. Many of my emotional anger issues and hyper-criticism stem from my secret shame about my addiction. I firmly believe that had I not been acting out during our marriage, we would have had chance. Maybe not success...but a better chance. I can't speak to whether or not she would have ever taken her alcoholism seriously enough to change.

    Anyway, I'm here to "report in" after 1 week of sobriety. I'm here to be supported and in turn offer my support. This is a horribly sad and isolating addiction that bleeds the soul. I'm done. It's time to live again and I believe that Christ Jesus will see me through as I decide to trust Him every day.

    Good luck to you all and I commit to checking in regularly on my progress.

    God bless and thanks for reading...
  2. Chudd

    Chudd Member

    God bless, brother. I wish you all the best with your recovery.
  3. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    Congratulations on making it here. We're lucky that we have this place.
  4. Thanks both appreciate the encouragement. Will get back to " my story" soon. Day 8 and not feeling great today but not at risk. Just a blah day. Looking forward to Day 9 !
  5. mikey23

    mikey23 New Member

    Congrats on taking the steps to recovery harvesterofsorrow. Keep posting. There's a great group of non judgmental supportive guys on here.
  6. thanks man. Day 9 and not gonna say feeling good or bad. Feeling acceptance. Feeling hopeful. But not good just yet.
  7. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    My biggest thing is to save up/gather a store of humility for the inevitable ego inflation that's going to occur as I continue to remain PMO free. I just know that I'm going to be kicking my heals before long, and that can be a real set up for a relapse, as many of you already know.

    Being PMO free for a while (I once had almost a year) can sometimes make a person feel bullet proof. That's not good. I'm hoping the daily blogging will keep my feet on the ground, where they belong.

    Some men totally withdraw from society as they continue to remain PMO free. Because of my work job responsibilities that doesn't work for me. I can't just crawl into a shell. I need to be an active part of society.

    Example: Sometimes when I'm at the health club they'll be a man eater of a woman there on a man hunt. She'll flash everything flash-able. Today I know to just walk away.....even leave the health club if necessary.
    I've seen guys quit the health club entirely over something like that. That doesn't won't for me.

    I'm going to take it one day at a time.

  8. I've never gone longer than 60 days without porn in 20 years. I don't think over confidence will ever be an issue for me. I've always had my faith but I've never really accepted that I simply cannot compromise with it. I think I've reached that point for the first time ever. Real acceptance. I'm committed to letting go of control and letting God do the heavy lifting. I will walk simply walk straight on day 10. Thanks all for your support and contributions here :)
  9. Day 10 almost in the books. No real temptation yet. I know it will. Lord's grace will be suffiçient. Peace to all those enduring and trying...there's beauty in the struggle.
  10. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    We're glad you're here.

  11. Thank you gabriel. Day 11 almost in the books. Feel good about that but I recognize some of my anxieties and frustrations in other areas of my life are fully capable of tripping me up. Have to be vigilant and humble.
  12. Day 12. Eventually im gonna stop counting days because I think it becomes counter productive...but probably not until I get to a personal best. I'm committed to viewing my world now as exclusive of P. I had surgery today for skin cancer and I have a coupe pain pills. I asked for them. As a chronic pain sufferer due to my neuroathy I have felt entitled to indulge/abuse pain meds at certain times. I know thsts not true but I definitely feel my dabbling with escapism through pharmaceuticals is waayyyy better than escapism through P. Delusional? Maybe. But I don't think so. I have very limited access to scripts but have had unlimited access to P. I no its wrong to abuse but I don't hate myself for it like I do with P. Do I see and expect a future with no crutches. I do. But I need to tackle my biggest problems and their root causes first. Feel generally good. Only a few ver fleeting thoughts/images...nothing lime the past. I am embracing the belief that Christ has truly removed these mental chains. Peace.
  13. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    My story is that I found booze and drugs easier to tackle than PMO. So I worked on the easiest addiction first, and then worked my way up to the mother of them all, PMO.

    I have 18 years clean and sober. I've been working on this PMO thing for 21 years. I have had a lot of success with the PMO thing. I now have nine years of monogamy, which is huge, and a total miracle.

  14. Gabriel I can totally see that being true. I definitely have an addictive personality in general and can abuse alcohol (secret drinking at times) and prescription painkillers (when available) but I can generally *choose* to abuse those. PMO has not been the same at all. I haven't been able to choose when on that. Even 12 without P....I only made it through by MOing. I wasn't even really being tempted to go online and look but I found my thoughts going there. So I took a preventive strike to get it out of my system. Total victory? No! But an acceptable compromise. I really feel that I have to find a way to stop looking at P above all else. So today will be a checkered victory but it will be 12 days without viewing P and for that I am happy. Thanks for sharing man...
  15. mikey23

    mikey23 New Member

    12 days without P is still a victory in my books.
  16. Freshstart...thanks I agree!
  17. Day 13. Definitely compensating today with drink and some painkillers. I always have trouble with the two week point. Really don't feel much temptation but I guess I feel the void...the pull of habit. Will stay occupied though. Can't do much physically as I just had some surgery but reading a lot. Two weeks will be a big accomplishment. My personal life is in such disaaray that I'm starting to wonder why I'm even bothering trying to stop. Just need to realize this is faulty thinking and my personal life being such a mess is very much related to the addiction.
  18. Day 14 praise God
  19. sammich

    sammich New Member

    Harvester, you inspire me. Even though the feeling of your life being messed up, i see you recognize the relationship to the addiction. Stay strong my friend. You can do this.
  20. sammich thanks appreciate you sir. doing my best here like all of us and right now its working. And really I have to give credit to Jesus. I'm just focusing on him and his word. And knowing I am definitely at risk every day. In fact I'm in that phase right niw where I'm wondering why I didn't just keep my collection and, hey, the problem was really hiw much time i was wasting recollecting everything after id deleted it for the thousandth time. Bs reasoning I know! In practice I am just incapable of living with P. I just have to commitcthis understanding to memory. There is no uneasy truce with it. Its pure war and I can't lose another 10 years of living by falling into this cycle anymore. Nevermind the blatant moral issues which simply don't fit into my moral code. Well peace all...time for some house of cards!

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