Never Giving Up

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TrainingTheDragon, Jul 14, 2012.

  1. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Hey, looks like you've reached your tipping point in that regard. Good luck with that. I don't want to sound shallow but if she's not that attractive, I think she might enjoy the attention and go with you.

    Got a question: You're in the Middle East and you're talking about looking for a fuck buddy. I thought things are strict over there with regards to sex. Or is it just the case that things aren't as strict in practice and behind closed doors.
     
  2. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Lol, thanks for the post InsideOut. The concentration failure is a bitch.

    Yeah, it's a very sexually repressed atmosphere over here. PDA isn't allowed but if you have your own place or know some cool friends you can do whatever you want in private. Unfortunately, I have neither lol. The down side to all the sexual repression is that it's awkward and difficult to form healthy relationships with women and leads to a skewed perception of the gender. Boys and girls are even segregated at schools. It would be a great place if they loosened up and encouraged dating but this place is governed by muslim law which I think is ridiculous as they're so hypocritical with how they apply it. Fortunately, they're not as extreme as the Saudis over here.

    I live with my folks in a conservative family so I find it hard to get my needs met. If I do get a girl, she'll have to sneak in at midnight, etc. It's one of the reasons I'd like to move to a place like northern Europe where it's 'Okay' to express your sexuality and not shroud it in secrecy.
     
  3. Arthur Redux

    Arthur Redux Guest

    Re: Never Giving Up - Two weeks!

    Hi Training, just checking in to wish you well. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of extra time for reading tonight.

    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=2473.0

    New blog.

    I'm on Day 4.

    Have a nice day, or evening, or whatever it is LOL.
     
  4. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Never Giving Up - Two weeks!

    SIIIIIKE

    No relapses yet. :p

    Oh, I just posted there before checking in here. Glad you're back. :D

    Day 15 recap:

    That marks the third milestone off my list. Today was pretty easy, I didn't feel any of the pent up tension from the last couple of days UNTIL I came across a porno from one of my relapses that survived the deletion. The lizard brain reared its ugly head and forced me to peek yet again. Those few seconds got me riled up for the rest of the evening and I've been fighting the tension in my balls since.

    It was really easy to control myself up until that point. I felt like I was in a flatline but the moment I had a taste of the video, the lizard brain and reboot brain started a few rounds of ping-pong.

    But I survived. Anyway, I have extra motivation to not binge. I called up that girl and asked her to come by the work outs again (she stopped for a while). She said she was glad I called and before hanging up she said she actually missed me and wanted to see me again. So that's on. I'm just concerned about how we'll handle the logistics of a casual relationship if she's up for it. God, I hope she's not looking for love. I also hope I don't wuss out and adjust my intentions just so she'll sleep with me. I've done it in the past and I can say romanticizing intentions and expectations just leaves way too much for emotional interpretation and has set the stage for me to feel like the victim when past relationships have failed.

    I guess I can use this as an exercise in being unashamed of what I want as opposed to manipulating my situations into satisfying my needs.

    Apart from that I really killed my work out today. Set some new records which was surprising, I actually felt like skipping the work out today.

    Point of concern: My lack of concentration is really bothering me. I can't seem to focus on any one task. My mind's always elsewhere. Even when I'm being spoken to or doing stuff around the house. I read the article 'Porn, Masturbation and Mojo: A Neuroscience Perspective' that Gary posted earlier today and I really identify with all the points on dopamine reduction, particularly the inability to focus and anxiety. I've always had this but it's been really bad the last few days. Anyway, I'll just monitor it for now and I absolutely WILL NOT look at anything sexual henceforth. I have a feeling these peeks are doing this to me.

    Energy: 8
    Mood: 6
    PMO Urges: 8
     
  5. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Never Giving Up - MO on day 16

    Man, I just MO'd after I came across a trigger (okay part of me was looking for it). I couldn't think straight after constantly fantasizing about the chick I'm trying to hook up with. I came at such a slight touch and the moment it happened I felt like my world ended. I was frozen for a whole 30 seconds wondering "WHAT HAVE I DONE" and also now I feel like there's no point trying to hook up with her. I hate feeling like this. It's just providing me with more reasons to hate myself.

    Still it wasn't a full PMO so I don't want to think I've erased any progress over the last two weeks by resetting my counter. I really feel like binging but I don't want to fall into the 'all or nothing' mentality either. I'll just list when I MO in my sig. The only problem with this approach is that I'm afraid I'll end up MOing too much.

    What I'm worried about now is how I'll interact with the chick in the evening. Should I still push on and see if she's up for a casual thing? I'm curious to know whether I'm more responsive since trying to reboot.
     
  6. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: Never Giving Up - MO on day 16

    Best way to find out is to try it out. But for what it's worth, you won't be at a 100%.

    I had an experience 2 weeks back where I MOed after 13 days without MO. The thing was, the day I MOed, I was due to meet up with my meetup.com group for dinner. Throughout the dinner, we had a great looking waitress serving us. We'd been giving each other eyes the whole night, smiling at each other, her hands brushing mine when taking my menu. At the end of the dinner, I made sure I was the last one to leave our table and she (definitely) made sure to start cleaning up the desk while I was still there. I knew she was expecting me to talk to her. I cold tell, she was cleaning up but she had this slight smile on her face.

    And I walked away. I didn't have it in me to talk, much less ask her number. And I definitely think things would've turned out differently if I didn't MO.

    But who knows, you might still be hornier than me even after you MO lol.
     
  7. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Never Giving Up - MO on day 16

    The thing is I can't separate what I'm really feeling from how I expect I SHOULD feel. If I look at it objectively, I don't feel any different now than I did in the morning except that great tension has waned. I feel like I'm headed for a train of conflicting emotions when I do talk to her later on which will ultimately end up in me not being clear as to what I want and walking away feeling less than manly. Even if I do make it clear all I want is a casual thing, I'll probably end up feeling unsatisfied with that decision later. It's happened before.

    Bleh, maybe I'm thinking myself into a rut again. Can't help myself from doing it.
    I honestly feel like a chick at times. I want everything but I don't want them at the same time, it's so easy to find reasons for or against doing anything depending on how I feel at the moment. It's so easy for my decisions to sway with my emotions as time passes. I guess that's what happens when one is so unsure of himself. I'd like to feel like I'm making the right choices for once instead of jumping from insecurity to insecurity after every action.
     
  8. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Never Giving Up - MO on day 16

    Well, that's that. Minor relapse today. Had a terrible day yesterday because of some events that caused me to question whether my reactions were justified or fear based. I didn't get an ounce of sleep thanks to that incident. I was just tossing and turning all night until thoughts didn't make sense anymore.

    The girl I've been planning on hooking up with didn't come to the work out yesterday either so I texted her asking if she wanted to go out for a walk today. She said that sounds awesome but she'd be busy till Friday so I told her she should come over to kick back and watch a movie with me that night to which I got no reply. Anyway, I'm not splitting hairs over whether I should / shouldn't have asked her that.

    Ah well, back to my next reboot attempt now. I suppose my MO yesterday did have a hand in the relapse today. The addict's black and white thinking is an amazing friend.
     
  9. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    You tried, so I'll give you a thumbs up for that. Just a minor incident on the side of the road, time to continue on your journey.
     
  10. Frankhell

    Frankhell I'm gonna break this rusty cage

    Yup just keep moving forward. If you relapse and realize you don't like the way it makes you feel, then it will give you motivation to try to avoid triggers. You are making progress. Don't beat yourself up too much. It's not productive.
     
  11. Arthur Redux

    Arthur Redux Guest

    Hi Training! Hope to see you back again soon. If you're reading this, I wish you a good day!
     

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