Never Giving Up

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TrainingTheDragon, Jul 14, 2012.

  1. Arthur

    Arthur Guest

    Hi Training,

    I'm just checking in to say hello, and that I've read your latest posts. No advice here, just wishing you success. :)

    One off topic item, you know, your posts are well written. You consistently use correct spelling and good grammar. I know, it's not the most important thing in the world at all, but I appreciate it :)

    You wrote, I'd eventually get pissed off about being stuck in this shithole corner of the world and so on.

    I relate to this big time. I've spent way too much time complaining about how it's difficult for me to live where I am living now. And it got me nowhere other than to alienate those close to me. I still have a problem with "accepting" things for what they are, but I'm getting better at it. Slowly.

    Have a nice weekend,
    Arthur
     
  2. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Hi Arthur, thanks for stopping by and appreciating my writing. It's something I'm quite particular about. I actually felt I'd been slacking on that front a little lately, lol. Thanks for noticing.

    I'm trying to come to terms with being where I am as well. It's hard accepting the situation as it is. Especially after spending the last 9 years dreaming of a better life away from this shit hole. The sad part is knowing that if I stick to this attitude, I'll always be approaching whatever comes my way with this hopeless and negative mindset and I'll most likely miss any kind of opportunity that presents itself. That's how I've understood that it's imperative for me to approach regaining control of my life with a mindset of opportunity and not of defeat. The thought of going through the motions five years from now and still feeling stuck and helpless is terrifying. I just hope I can translate that fear into consistent action once I have a job.


    Day 5 recap

    This marks three weeks of serious depression. I felt lousy and antisocial most of the day. Had a group work out in the evening and I felt like running away most of the time. I had a little talk with my mum later and felt better after that. She helped me put things in perspective. I actually feel quite fine right now.

    There's an interesting thought that's been coming to me lately. It's about faith and how it's necessary for us as humans to believe in something to fully realize ourselves. Motivation, mindset, attitude; all of it is very superficial. That doesn't mean I think they're irrelevant. They have their place but to me they seem more like emotions as they tend to come and go. They're variable. When it comes down to it, what really defines you is what you believe in. A concrete belief that you will always stand by. I think it's an ability as not everyone is capable of that.

    And that's something I struggle with. I don't really believe in anything. I think I've grown too jaded and cynical. I'm not religious and although my family is, I don't share their faith. I used to believe in myself but now I feel like I've just been fooling myself with my naivete. I'm not strong or stable enough to handle everything that comes my way on my own forever. There was a time I wanted to believe in people and good intentions. But in my life people have generally sucked and my experiences at my previous workplace kicked that good intentions idea out my butt. I suppose I don't subscribe to religion because I fear a loss of rationality that eventually ensues. Although my rationality hasn't proved very fruitful so far.

    I think it's this faith that gives people the ability to endure hardship. That's something I've never been able to do. I've always given up and lost sight of my goals when it looks like things aren't going to work out. I use that to retreat into my emotional baggage and dwell in misery.

    So I find myself looking for something to believe in. I don't even know what the options are really.

    Maybe I should join a cult.

    I'm kidding.

    Energy - 5
    Mood - 4
    PMO urges - 3
     
  3. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    Try to believe in yourself again. Your rights, your spirit and your perspectives. Any external sources are simply shifting of responsibility. Maybe try to believe in some idea like transhumanism or space exploration.

    And please, try to avoid over-generalisation. Judging the humanity from your one workplace is almost ridiculous.

    Maybe you will feel better about this as you progress with reboot.
     
  4. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Hey Training glad to see you are still pushing. I wanted to share a piece of scripture I read last night.

    "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1)

    Personally, I have had my own battle regarding keeping my faith, but in the end I could never imagine myself without it. I know what you mean by keeping faith in overcoming what is holding you back even though I mentioned my own religious faith, but both are the same just on different scales.
     
  5. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Well, it's not just the one experience. All it did was put an another nail in the coffin so to speak. Cumulatively, speaking from my experiences with people, it's not been very positive and I don't really know how to handle myself or stand up to bullies. It's very easy for anyone to make me doubt myself and that's a reason I live under such fear. As a consequence, I have trouble managing expectations from people or just dealing with them in general when it comes to getting my needs met. People have always been quite temporary in my life so I don't attach much value to my interaction with them because deep down one of two things go through my mind. Either A) Don't trust this guy / he'll get you eventually or B) This is just a temporary friendship so don't expect anything to come from it.

    Anyway, ultimately the core belief that it comes down to is that I'm screwed up and I have no one to help me through this.

    All these external events in the past, my current situation combined with my fear leads me to really believe I'm a melting pot of hopelessness. WOW that sounds pathetic. Part of me is wondering why I let myself come to this. Where's my pride as a man gone?

    Day 6 / 7 recap:

    PMO: The reboot is going quite fine. I have sex dreams and wake up with morning wood but then the urges evaporate. I'm going through a flatline at the moment. Today I was tempted to search porn just out of pure habit. No actual urges whatsoever. It's like my mind was saying "Oh yeah, it's that time of the reboot again. Go on buddy." And for some time, I felt a moderate compulsion to look at porn. Creeping up from innocent Google searches. Fortunately, I didn't cave despite sneaking a peek at some pics of naked women. My brain was just unresponsive to the stimulus, no sparks, no guilty high.

    Also, I couldn't physically look for more than a few seconds without turning my head away because I knew it would bring me no joy. It's like it's finally hit me hard. And not just in a way that makes sense logically. It's a deeper understanding. Yes, my life sucks balls right now but porn won't make it any better despite what I think at the moment. All those numerous relapses somehow taught me a lesson that overpowered any attempts my addict brain made to take over today.

    Anyway, that's just today. One day at a time.

    General: More of the same crap. My sleep cycle's all messed up so now I end up falling asleep by 4AM and getting up at around 11. I want to correct that so I'll head to bed right after this post (midnight) and get up at 8 even if I toss and turn till 4. I hate waking up feeling dazed and barely functional.

    As for activity, I'm mostly sitting in front of my laptop playing flash games or watching youtube. I have zero interest in doing anything else, not that I have anything to do. I'll try to do something different tomorrow. At the very least I'll try to make my time on the internet productive.

    All those negative thoughts are still there but kind of muffled at the moment. I guess I've just numbed myself out. I think I'll try helping my mum out around the house tomorrow. If I'm wasting time, might as well do something that feels a little more fulfilling than prank videos on youtube.

    Energy: 5
    Mood: 3
    PMO Urges: 5
     
  6. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    And they just reflect that mindset of yours. Self-fulfilling prophecy. Try to be friendly, but ready to punch back if some's going to mess with you.

    Lucky you :) I fall asleep in about 8AM and getting up at 6PM sometimes.
    This may help you: http://www.wikihow.com/Fix-Your-Sleeping-Schedule

    Try to do nothing. Just sit and stare at walls with no thoughs. After a few minutes you will howl from desire to do SOMETHING. Or just fall asleep, not a bad thing too.
     
  7. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Indeed. This image is a perfect metaphor for how I feel. The horse is restrained by the chair because it's been tied down to it ever since it was a pony. It's conditioned to accept that leash as its limit. Limited by past experiences. Story of my life.

    [​IMG]

    I'm just this melting pot of insecurity and fear right now. Especially these days, I'm very susceptible to being overly sensitive and over reacting.

    Yeah been there, just going through the motions these days. I mostly just lie in bed waiting for time to go by in the morning.

    Day 8/9 recap:


    PMO: Yesterday was fine, kind of a flatline phase. I get morning wood that goes away and I feel no great urges worth mentioning. Today however, it was an interesting experience waking up. I remember specifically dreaming about a girl I met on an airplane once. Gah, it felt so real. That overwhelming, rising, bubbly horniness as we made out in the elevator (in the dream). You probably know what I'm talking about if you've been with a woman. Too bad it fades after 10 seconds if you're a PMO addict. Anyway, I snapped out of the dream like 2 seconds into the elevator scene and out of nowhere, the mother of all erections made its statement.

    I mean what the fuck, I thought my dick had become the center of the universe. I'm sure I saw my furniture gravitating towards it. Women orgasming around the world at that precise moment saw it in their mind's eye and thought it was god speaking to them. Somewhere in Africa, I sensed a civil war ending after bursting into rapturous orgy. So yeah, quite a monster.

    I got a couple of nice and full spontaneous erections over the course of the day. Some mild passing thoughts of being sexually frustrated and repressed but they faded away. Overall, it's been quite easy for me to stay away from porn this time around. A voice might come up occasionally but it's a dying whisper at best. I'm really not keen on going back to my suicidal, implosive, depressive state. So, not worried about my reboot as I don't see myself relapsing any time soon.

    My previous record was seven whole days since I started rebooting in May so this is new territory but it doesn't feel like a big deal to me. Long way to go to feel better. After all, this is just an attempt to fix one of my hundred dysfunctions. After I've got this under the belt, I should be halfway done by the time I'm sixty.

    General: More general patheticness in terms of prominent thoughts and self-image. Low motivation. The usual. Certain events today (involving people) made me feel terribly insecure and afraid. Ah well, it's of no consequence.

    Urges: 3
    Energy: 7
    Mood: 2
     
  8. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Good work man keep pushing!
     
  9. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Day 10 recap:

    Wow, double digits for the first time ever. I almost slipped up in the evening. Let me back up a bit. I had a ridiculously depressing day after I saw a video of this guy I know doing stand up for the first time and rocking it. Thing is he's grown up where I have and we have such remarkably different lives. How is it that others are so well adjusted to people and life here while I can't get rid of my conditioned beliefs? It was so hard to resist being overwhelmed. Again, my mind reached out to suicidal thoughts and found some comfort. It's terrible feeling so broken all the time. Constantly feeling like things just don't make sense.

    Anyway, I skipped a work out for the first time since I started. And in the evening I brought my laptop to bed because I was tired of sitting and staring at the screen. Big mistake. I started lightly playing with myself to a few soft pics. Felt a mild dopamine rush as I clicked for more and then the doubts started creeping in again where I try to convince myself there's no point in doing this, etc. You know how it goes.

    Managed to pull away well before I got to the point of no return so I'm confident I won't be all wound up tomorrow. Also won't be going back to surfing on my bed anymore. I forgot how huge a trigger that is for me.

    So yeah, 10 days. Woohoo.

    Almost a whole month since I've been really depressed. Wish there was a reboot for hopeless existence syndrome.

    PMO Urges: 7
    Mood: 0
    Energy: 3
     
  10. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: Never Giving Up - 10 days! Wow, double digits...

    Awesome stuff TrainingTheDragon, glad that you're able to reach day 10.

    I do this too sometimes. But I've just learned that no matter how perfect people's lives are, they've got problems. I should know, my parents are two people who are successful in their line of work but they definitely surprised everyone when they decided to get a divorce.
     
  11. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Congrats on the 10 days!

    I just want to say that I went to high school with a guy who is now a professional body builder. We graduated the same year and it's amazing how we've changed. I am inspired by his progress, but at times I've felt the same thing you've felt, which can be a trigger for me. "Everyone's lives are going great, but mine isn't," I would think, but the truth is, everyone has something they must one day overcome. Getting over this addiction this early in my life is a challenge, but down the road I know that I will look back and be glad that I took the leap.
     
  12. Arthur

    Arthur Guest

    Re: Never Giving Up - 10 days! Wow, double digits...

    Congrats on double digits, Training 8)
     
  13. Arthur

    Arthur Guest

    Re: Never Giving Up - 10 days! Wow, double digits...

    Have you ever thought of being a writer? Yeah, I know it's not likely to bring much, or any, financial reward, but you might find it to be personally fulfilling. You do know how to "turn a phrase", as they say.
     
  14. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Never Giving Up - 10 days! Wow, double digits...

    Thanks a lot guys. Taking things as they come one day at a time.

    Lol, thanks man. I'm glad you liked it.

    Actually, yes. I've done some, but never stuck with it. I've been considering trying it again of late. I'll admit I get discouraged when I think of the effort involved and my propensity to abort the operation.

    I understand what you're saying but I've really been trying to face my fears since I was 17. I was a socially and mentally crippled mess after high school and I really worked on improving myself and learning to interact with people. Now at 24, I feel like I'm just incapable of being how I want to be as I seem to keep coming back to the same rut. I still haven't developed the ability to build meaningful relationships with people and exercise judgement in my decisions, nor do I have any direction as to where I want to go in my life apart from 'AWAY FROM HERE'. I don't even have basic financial independence.

    All I had were ideas that came and went and brought me some temporary relief from the chaos. They just ended up giving me reasons to further validate my inability to finish things, procrastinate, focus, put things in perspective, work towards goals, etc. and I guess that's why I feel so defeated at the moment.

    However, the scariest thought I have is eventually inflicting this pain on those around me. I don't mean random people. What if I have kids? How will all this emotional trauma manifest itself in their upbringing? It's only natural that all this pent up rage and frustration will get dumped on them it's just going to be a vicious cycle of repressed emotions. I probably get this from my dad. He's extremely unhappy and emotionally repressed as well. I see it every day. He doesn't know how to express himself emotionally and he is incapable of bonding with people too. He's extremely passive-aggressive with my mum and really just disregards most things she has to say.

    The image of being fifty, angry, unsatisfied and unable to find happiness in my life is terrifying but I can't seem to understand what I should do to stop that from becoming an eventuality. I might read something that opens my eyes today or come to some inspiring realizations tomorrow but I know I can't rely on that feeling to last until whatever needs to be done is done. Combine this with my inability to get close to people and I see myself stuck at this level of development forevermore.

    I feel ashamed of myself. I was all exciting and larger than life when I traveled and was self employed over the last year but now I can't face the connections I made back then and show them this husk of who they knew. Leeching off my parents without any real desire on what to do.

    Know what's really messed up? I'm finding it hard to put anything positive in this space because I've already expressed 'the real me' (as I believe myself to be) here. You guys know how negative and pathetic I really am. What would be the point of being positive? I'll play it safe and shroud all my posts in pessimism so I don't look unstable. Believe it or not, this describe my relationship lifecycle with the people I try to get close to :

    1. I'm super strong and awesome (look back at the first post in my first journal, link on the first page here).
    2. I can't maintain that attitude of being awesome.
    3. I crack ever so slightly.
    4. I am ashamed. That crack you peeked into is the real me. I have already been judged. Stay away. All further interaction shall be suffocated by my insecurity.

    Well that's just great.

    Day 11 / 12 recap:

    Yesterday was easy to stay off the porn. Had to visit my sister's place as it was her kid's birthday. Took me out of town and porn was the furthest thing from my mind.

    Also, my dick while flaccid is noticeably fuller now. It stands out quite proudly outside the bush instead of hiding behind the foliage like it's used to. Although that changed after the events below.

    Today was harder, my sleep was messed up and I woke up hazy as fuck. I had a hunch it would be an easy day to slip PMO-wise and it turned out to be. I came across a trigger in a news article and I found myself seeking a dopamine rush off some pics. I closed them but I had an erection and I edged ever so slightly. When it went down I played the cat and mouse game of getting it hard again for the mild dopamine high. Then started the whole "Why reboot" argument again.

    Fortunately, I pulled away and managed to get out of that situation. I guess I've been through it too many times before.

    It's interesting, the moment I came across the trigger I knew the seed had been planted and I was VERY aware of how playing with it in my mind would lead to a relapse. I still indulged for a minute before the dark side lost. Still. A victory for once. I've lost that battle way too many times.

    I imagine tomorrow's going to be a high risk day. Might have some backlash after the mild dopamine waves I rode. I still find myself craving a nice session at the thought of the trigger. But I also know that just the anticipation would get me off in 10 seconds and I'd delete any downloaded porn instantly without even having viewed it LOL. Oh, what a wasted feeling that would be.

    Wow, super big entry for the day. Sorry for the giant wall.

    PMO Urges: 9
    Mood: 3
    Energy: 6


    Addendum: What is with my need to extensively address every little detail of my negativity and mostly disregard the positive? It's like I want to get it out there so everyone knows I'm aware of it and doesn't call me out on it. Defense mechanism? I feel like I'm on to something here. I wish someone could explain it to me.
     
  15. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Day 13 recap:

    Surprised that I wasn't interested in looking up any porn today. Pretty much zero urges except for right now so I figured I'd post here.

    Had a good work out today. Met up with a college friend who's back in town in the evening. I was feeling quite awkward and uncomfortable throughout our chat so I let her do all the talking and mostly just nodded in agreement. I dunno, I found it hard to speak my mind because I was felt I might unload all the negativity. Couldn't really concentrate on what we were talking about anyway.

    Another thing I noticed was I felt like I was looking for cues as to what would be the 'right' or 'appropriate' things to talk about as opposed to talking about whatever was on my mind. I hate it when I do that.

    Anyway, don't want to read too much into it. Average depressing day otherwise. I've got a job interview next week so I'm just trying to hold on to my sanity until then.

    Energy: 7
    PMO urges: 3
    Mood: 3
     
  16. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Looks like everything's falling in place. Finally got some momentum in your reboot and you got a job interview. Keep going, TrainingTheDragon, you'll get there.
     
  17. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Re: Never Giving Up - 10 days! Wow, double digits...

    You know our lives have very much in common. I've often felt that way about my step-father, but have decided to focus more on myself. You can break the cycle, it's all about breaking mental barriers. In relation to your father, try feeling his pain, deep down I'm sure he could be suffering.

    As for the near slip up I almost had one as well, but I didn't want to ruin my streak. I also knew how bad I would feel once I was done and how empty I would have felt. It's just not worth it to me to be able to expend my energy like that. I would be down the rest of the week and have no motivation to clean my house.

    I think you should focus on the positive. Regardless, if there is negative stuff in your head try writing a strictly positive post. Now I know your pessimist thinking will say, but what positive is there to write about?

    Getting through the day without a slipup.

    Even if that is the only positive thing there is, write that, and only that.

    The more you do this the easier it will be to break those mental barriers you unconsciously put up for yourself. Instead of reinforcing the negative by writing about them, try writing only about the positive. This isn't about deception, it's a change of focus.
     
  18. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Thanks Pedigree, the interview's been pending for a month actually. The reboot is going well though.

    Ace, I'll take your advice and try to stay on just the positive for this post. Thanks for such a detailed post. Appreciate it much. I really do become afraid of feeling positive out of some strange need to constantly reinforce the negative mindset. Yes, my life isn't that great right now but maybe accepting it as a fact and moving on would be easier than going through my day feeling like I have to be depressed if things aren't going well.

    Day 14 recap:

    Okay, this is going to be hard. I really want to pad anything positive with some negativity as I have a lot stored up lol. Wow, I can't believe I haven't PMOd in two weeks!

    Definitely the hardest day of my reboot but a successful one! (Yeah, exclamation for extra positivity!) Last night I had some strong cravings as I went to sleep as I came across this lesbian sex scene on youtube from some movie. I pulled away and just tried to fall asleep. I REALLY need some intimate contact so I've decided to call up one of the girls who used to come to my group work outs tomorrow and see if she's up for doing anything later. I fantasized so much about her as I went to sleep and when I woke up, BOOM, more fantasies. She isn't even that attractive but I don't want to turn to porn. I want a human being to provide me that relief. I hope she's up for being fuckbuddies. Wow, I got a semi as I typed that.

    I was so riled up from all the fantasizing, weak knees and everything. I was almost sure I'd slip today. But I didn't! Those mild dopamine waves weakened me especially after reading Underdog's post about the orgasm reboot. Suddenly, I found myself in tunnel vision mode and everything was a trigger. I felt like a bitch in heat, but with a penis. I WANTED MY DOPAMINE!

    Still, managed to make it through because every time I tried googling some pictures I found myself closing the window sooner and sooner. It appears logic and experience are consistently overriding my urges. Every time I find myself sneaking up to acting on the urges, I get an adrenaline rush and my mind zooms forward to how empty I know I'll feel. Even though that helpless feeling when I close the window is a bitch to deal with.

    I feel quite tense from massive dopamine cravings right now but I've felt like this before and in the past I always started up some innocent searches to fool myself. Not going to happen this time. There's that old, familiar feeling of pain and despair lulling me to binge but no, my mind is made up.

    This is kind of like the acid test of all reboots isn't it? No PMO while sitting in front of the laptop all day. I can only imagine how much easier it will be when I actually have something to do with my day.

    Maybe it's a side effect of the reboot but my focus, concentration and memory have been very poor lately. I'm flitting from one activity to another in my room every five minutes. Perhaps a side effect of the dopamine cravings after those mild surges I tasted earlier.

    Onward to day 15 so I can knock off my third milestone!

    Energy: 7/10
    PMO Urges: 10
    Mood: 5
     
  19. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Re: Never Giving Up - Two weeks!

    Good work!

    I am having intense cravings today as well and I am about 3 days behind you. I have a lot to clean and my mind wants a relief. So my brain, that animal, is slipping in those innocent facebook searches. We just have to get through the first month and afterwards it will get easier for us.

    I know that by slipping I am going to ruin nearly 2 weeks of progress! Wow almost 2 weeks :eek:
    I HATE having to start over.

    Making a pizza right now (it's in the oven) and going to start cleaning my living room. Already washed a bunch of dishes so it's a big plus! ;D
     
  20. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    Re: Never Giving Up - Two weeks!

    Be careful, she may begin to like you too much because of that :)

    This.
    TALKED FOR 8 HOURS
    @
    CANNOT REMEMBER A BIT


    And afraid of becoming happy, doing good things to yourself, treating yourself well, not suffering? Familiar stuff.

    Wow :eek:
     

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