Never Giving Up

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TrainingTheDragon, Jul 14, 2012.

  1. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: Never giving up [Day 1] [Record: Day 7]

    It'll be a long road, man. The only thing you can do everytime you fall is get back up, lift your chin up, and start walking again. You only fail if you don't want to get back up again.

    I haven't been there for your previous relapses but for this one, you have to stop letting your mind drift and keep your hands when you can see them.
     
  2. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Never giving up [Day 1] [Record: Day 7]

    No doubt. Man, what a shitty day. I'm really irritable, just wanna snap someone's shit up. Low energy as well. What sucks is that I can't tell if the low energy is a side effect of the relapse or my diet/workouts. Guess that's another reason to cut it out.

    Day 1 Update: BLAHHHH WHAT A LOUSY DAY. I just can't wait it to get over. This lethargy is totally on another level lol. I've been tempted to google nice blondes all day but I'm pushing the thoughts away. It's 5PM now. Another 5 hours and I can call it a night and wake up to a better tomorrow.
     
  3. Franken Penis

    Franken Penis New Member

    Re: Never giving up [Day 1] [Record: Day 7]

    hey man,

    sorry to hear about your relapse. i read your whole old journal and im suprised that your story is quite similar to mine. also we share a few personality traits.

    i think in your case its really important to make one step at a time if possible. if you are going into the pressure of jobhunt + pmo detox one will make the other even harder. there is this cheesy line that is so true: he who chases two rabbits catches neither.

    your lethargy. moodswings. depression. are a direct result of pmo. this is something you really must hammer in your head once you think about googling for hot blondes. try to fuse this to your porn urges.

    i want to remind you again about the factor life time. i remember to have read somewhere that the moment an addiction truly starts your life comes to a halt. you are "only" 24 by now. if you dont get a grip on this. it will have bad BAD influences on how your life will turn out in the future.

    i really want to tell you this because im 31 by now and i didnt manage to complete university beause of my social anciety and lethargy. my apprenticeship was just torture just because of this. still i managed to do it. but looking back. without the side effects of pmo addiction i could have had a great time instead it was a grueling horrible task. i dont even want to talk about the dozen of women who made direct advances to me and i couldnt act accordingly because of my porn infested mind.

    you dont need to share my faith of terrible twenties. the small dopamine porn kicks you crave for in those moments simply arent worth the quality of your future.
     
  4. Frankhell

    Frankhell I'm gonna break this rusty cage

    Re: Crazy urges for a real woman [Day 3] [Record: Day 7]

    Relapses happen man. We just got to learn from them. It sounds like you are gaining more self awareness, and that can be a huge asset. Becoming more aware and identifying these behaviors is what the reboot is all about.
     
  5. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Never giving up [Day 1] [Record: Day 7]

    Hey Frank, thanks for sharing your experience. I understand completely. I count myself lucky to have figured out a major reason for my inadequacies this early on. It took me a year of confusion to finally find YBOP, this site and some answers. None of the sites I went to mentioned porn as a source of ED so I carried on. If this is the damage a decade did to me, I can only shudder to think how much worse I'd be off had I discovered this another 5 years down the line.

    As for the pressure of the reboot and the job hunt, I don't see myself as having any choice on that front. The reboot helps me think clearer and positively. PMO just offers an escape that clouds up my thinking and makes me lethargic / depressed / anxious. Heck, I'm feeling quite anxious today with some circling panicked thoughts. I know that if I PMO, I'll begin my slip into a full blown depressive cycle. Just yesterday I felt bits of my PMO-hazed, antisocial side coming out.

    +1'd.

    Day 2: Really feeling the cumulative effect of my recent relapses. My emotions make sense when I look at the last week as one giant relapse as opposed to a string of smaller relapses. A lot of the old cloudiness is back and I saw myself wanting to just push people away so I could be alone and deal with the PMO haze. I see now how this was just a part of my behavior before I did the reboot. I always assumed it was part of my personality and never saw it as a consequence of my PMO addiction.

    I did nothing yesterday apart from my public work out session. That went well. I focused on pushing past the lethargy and joined in the session as opposed to just supervising. I woke up today feeling normal but just a minute later, I started feeling anxious and panicked at the thought of hunting for a job again. I guess I'll feel this way until I've undone some of the damage from my recent string of relapses.
     
  6. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Never giving up [Day 2] [Record: Day 7]

    Day 2 recap: Emotionally, I had a slightly better day. Not positive, just less negative than yesterday. I've been procrastinating on the job front though. Actually, on just about any front. Basically I just spent the whole day in front of my laptop doing zilch. Couldn't even commit to playing a new video game, reading a book or even watching a movie. I kept shifting my focus from one thing to the other.

    Anyway, around noon I did some handstand practice (working on achieving handstand pushups) for about half an hour. Then sat and clicked through the bookmarks on my browser for an hour and then went off to the gym. Had an okay work out and watched a movie when I got back.

    Not really feeling motivated to do anything and earlier I snapped at my mum in a situation that didn't really need it. This last relapse has really taken me for a ride eh? I feel like I did before the reboot. Irritable with a short attention span. Same behavioral patterns.

    Anyway, hopefully it'll be better tomorrow. I was very aware of my behavior today and I've got a new book to read so I should be able to get out of this slump.
     
  7. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Never giving up [Day 3] [Record: Day 7]

    Day 3: Woke up with some great energy. Had a really nice and vivid dream where I started a loving relationship with a beautiful blonde European girl. It's funny how sometimes those feelings of being cared for linger on after you wake up. It wasn't a sexual dream. Just a very nice, romantic one. Anyway, I guess I'll leave the dreaming for when I sleep.

    Don't know what to expect for today. Feeling some urges but I've got a book to read. Let's see how it rolls.

    Update: Another day of zero productivity. Just can't seem to focus on any one task. Been sitting in front of my laptop all day wasting time. Getting some major urges to watch porn.

    Update: Much like before, my head is actively looking for triggers. I just want to use anything as a trigger. Anything to get me back on some porn to deal with this boredom. This is usually where the negative thoughts overpower me and I wonder why I'm doing this when the outlook I have on life here is so bleak. Crazy powerful urges. Like seriously.

    But the fact is if I do it now and prolong my relapse, I'll be here in another three days so on a rational level I know I need to deal with this now.
     
  8. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Never giving up [Day 3] [Record: Day 7]

    Day 3 recap: Well the day is finally over. A thought that kept coming back to me was how I felt I'm really going to miss porn. It sounds stupid but porn's the only thing that's really been a constant through the shit storms in my life. A source of relief and comfort when I needed it. I really loved it. Especially the retro stuff. Old memories of my association with porn came back to me today as I battled the urges. I remembered the hidden stash of retro stuff my brother hid away that led me to Kay Parker. I still have that preference for the golden age of porn. Something about the camerawork and the natural beauty of the women still appeals to me.

    But I'm aware that my fondness for it is what contributed to my inability to deal with the world. Finding myself without this crutch is going to be difficult. I'd like to have a few friends. Or at least one. I need a bro. I've needed one for a while now. I can't remember the last time I had a casual buddy. I think it was back in high school. You know, the kind you hang out with just about every day. If you're not at your place, you're at his. It would just be nice to have a person or two in my life who know me and have my back. It's really tough trying to figure things out on my own. A bro, a mentor... just some help would be nice for once.

    Anyway, as far as the day went I managed to get over the crazy urges I had for a few hours. It was so strange how at every turn, my mind was like "Oh that's a trigger. Too late now. Go for it man.". Even a regular picture of a woman would get sexualized in my head.

    In the end though, it's another successful day. Looks like my reboot is finally back on track.

    PS: I get to strike off my first milestone, yay. :D
     
  9. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Never Giving Up - Horrible Times [Day 4] [Record: Day 7]

    Day 4: My penis died today (RIP). Lol, I can't feel anything in it. If it felt like this for the next 90 days, my reboot would be so easy. But of course, I can't let my guard down. A long way to go for another successful day.

    Woke up with moderate energy levels and an average mood. Been having nice, vivid dreams all week. Not feeling particularly motivated to do anything. Pretty much felt this way the whole week. Anyway, group work out in the evening so there's something to look forward to. Good luck staying away from the noodle fellas.
     
  10. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Never Giving Up - Horrible Times [Day 4] [Record: Day 7]

    Yeah I'm not beating myself up anymore. The way I felt made sense when I looked at the earlier relapses as a giant 'relapse week' as opposed to a small slip. Day 4 has just started and I'm feeling no urges whatsoever after yesterday's inferno. I'm glad they didn't get worse today.

    As for friends, I don't really have any buddies. Not for a long time. People have pretty much been transitional through my life since high school. There's my work out group and we meet twice a week. They're all married couples and have their own lives to deal with outside the sessions. Apart from that there's a childhood friend of mine who works here and stays near me. He comes to the work outs too. We hung out once prior and I tried making some plans with him this weekend but he wasn't in the mood to do anything. There's a girl here who I've kept in touch with over the years. Normally she's very interested in meeting up and going out but for some reason this time, she's making no effort to keep in touch despite us talking and chatting a couple of times with the intention of meeting up soon. Anyway, I'm not letting people's lack of interest get to me. I tried to keep in touch but I'm not going to beg. They have their own lives and social circles to deal with.

    As for meeting new people, I'm unemployed at the moment and can't afford to go anywhere to socialize. It takes money to do anything here. The weather is so hot that no one steps outside their homes during the day to do stuff and in the evenings, the usual places are the nightclubs / bars.

    So that's my situation right now.
     
  11. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: Never Giving Up - Horrible Times [Day 4] [Record: Day 7]

    You should try to turn that childhood friend into a good friend as a first step. The one thing I find that I can't go without is an inner circle of friends. You've got plenty of people that I'd consider the outer circle of friends but you have to have an inner circle.

    Do they have meetup over there? I'm sure there will be activities on meetup with minimal cost. I myself am part of a meetup group that meets once a month at a restaurant. I have to fork out $25 each time but at least it's once a month.
     
  12. Frankhell

    Frankhell I'm gonna break this rusty cage

    Re: Never Giving Up - Horrible Times [Day 4] [Record: Day 7]

    I can relate to your friendship situation. I have had many transitional friends through the years, and due to several relocations I have been left without a close group of core friends. I am very envious of folks that have been able to maintain a close knit group of friends. I'm also not really into sports, which I feel does not help. As you continue your journey you will find your confidence increasing, and it will be easier to make connections.

    "when you really want something all the universe conspires to help you achieve it."
     
  13. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Never Giving Up - Horrible Times [Day 4] [Record: Day 7]

    That inner circle is what I'm talking about. It gets harder to start up the older you get.
    I'm not sure what you mean by meetup. Could you tell me more about it?

    Confidence isn't really an issue for me anymore. I can talk to just about anyone. Building relationships is what I have trouble with. I'm yet to understand the social dynamics behind that. I missed out on that part of my development in my teens from being abused / bullied and living in fear. I don't over think it anymore though. I used to and it would lead me to depressive thought patterns.

    Day 4 recap:
    I think I experienced my first true flatline today. I literally couldn't feel my dick. At one point I felt a mild urge but it seemed so far away and looked like it would be a lot of effort to bring it close. So as far as urges go, it was real easy to stay off everything. I also noticed a few moments where I'd try to turn something into a trigger but it was nothing compared to yesterday so I was able to brush those thoughts aside easily.

    On the life front, I had a pretty unproductive day. Low energy and I sat in front of the laptop powering through TV shows. The work out in the evening did me good though. Had our largest exercise group yet and considering that I started this a month ago, it's ridiculous how fast it's growing. That felt good. I'm going to put more time into this thing. It gets me out of the house and takes my mind off my situation.

    So, looking forward to another successful reboot day tomorrow. I want to cross that fucking seven day barrier.
     
  14. Franken Penis

    Franken Penis New Member

    Re: Never Giving Up [Day 5] [Record: Day 7]

    haha experiencing exactly the same at the moment. low energy and almost flatline.

    keep it up - we can do this.
     
  15. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Never Giving Up [Day 5] [Record: Day 7]

    Lol, it's a weird feeling man. This must be what an asexual being feels like.

    Day 5: Energy levels a little better today. In two minds about whether I should apply to any jobs. Feeling lazy but yeah it's something I should do considering the unproductive week behind me. Woke up with a dead dick as well. Not as much as yesterday though. I should be able to keep the urges away if they come but I'm not going to let my guard down.
     
  16. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: Never Giving Up - Horrible Times [Day 4] [Record: Day 7]

    http://www.meetup.com/

    It's an activities website. You look for the activity that you want to do (there's a search bar if you want to look for specific activity), join a group that interests you, and meet up with that group at the time that's been determined.
     
  17. Re: Never Giving Up [Day 5] [Record: Day 7]

    You can become productive from unproductive. Do something energetic. Run around, push-ups (your favorite music blasting in the background). Do something you really like that's energetic and you'll become soon energetic.

    Don't mess up on your reboot days or if you mess up on this one - I'll be ahead of you within a matter of days. ;)
     
  18. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Never Giving Up [Day 5] [Record: Day 7]

    Been there, done that. But thanks. I guess I'm in a stale spot of procrastination.

    Day 5 recap

    A little early but I'll call it a day. I think I'll segment my entries into two sections: Urges and General

    Urges: Day started off dead but I got a spike of strong urges in the afternoon. Found myself trying to rub one out for a minute. Managed to stop though so I'm safe. The rest of the evening was slightly challenging. Typically, when I touch myself like that for a little bit, I'll get over the urge at that moment but succumb later in the day. Being aware of that, I pushed away thoughts of edging as they came. Ultimately, another successful day.

    General: Ended up wasting away today as well. I was pretty energetic in the morning but didn't do anything to look for a job with that energy. By the time afternoon rolled around, my energy cup emptied and I felt like a zombie for the rest of the day. Perhaps punishment for being unproductive with a good start. Dunno, I seem to be procrastinating now. I'm not depressed, just unmotivated. I'll have to do something about the consistently low energy. Noticed depreciating strength levels over the last week.

    PMO Urges: 8/10
    Energy: 6/10
     
  19. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Never Giving Up [Day 6] [Record: Day 7]

    Day 6: Edged last night to some pics of chicks in bikinis. But I controlled myself enough to avoid an orgasm. Not going to reset my counter over this, I'll just be more careful. Hopefully, the urges won't be too strong today from the pent up tension. Felt the dopamine rushes last night and now I want more. I really want to cross 7 days so I'm just going to imagine this as pushing past a fitness plateau.

    Energy-wise I'm doing good. Eating a little more yesterday seems to have helped. I don't think I'll apply to any jobs today either. Going to play some video games instead.
     
  20. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: Never Giving Up - Edged a bit but made it out safe [Day 6] [Record: Day 7]

    Keep your guards up, man. I'm approaching my no MO record as well and definitely looking around the (proverbial) corner.
     

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