Never Giving Up

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TrainingTheDragon, Jul 14, 2012.

  1. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    I'm starting a new journal because the older one was more like a relapse record lol.

    You can read my story here: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=625.0

    I'm going to break up my 90 day goal into several sub-goals so I have some nearer goals to focus on (90 days seems like infinity lol):

    3 days
    7 days
    15 days
    30 days
    45 days
    60 days
    75 days
    90 days


    Day 0: I've decided not to change my original target of 90 days with no PMO. The fact is, it seems impossible to me but that's okay. I want to use this as an example of how long it takes me to achieve an impossible goal. Perhaps through it, I'll learn something about not giving up on whatever I set out to do because I do not want to look in the mirror everyday and see a quitter. I have a history of being a person who is easily discouraged and I don't want to let this join the ranks of the other endeavors I've given up on.

    What I've achieved since May: I'd say the biggest change has been that I'm not using porn to deal with my boredom or depression anymore. I know for a fact I'm more productive than I used to be and I'm thinking along clearer lines as opposed to the shame cycles I previously operated under. I've gone from using porn daily and PMOing 4-7 times a day to a weekly binge. I can't believe I'm going a whole week without porn lol. The next step will be eliminating porn from my life completely I suppose. This is going to be difficult because let's face it - I love porn. I absolutely do. Heck it's the only place I can see a stunning czech blonde naked and willing for the foreseeable future and I love naked women.

    Here are my replies to some of the comments after my last update. I can't thank you enough for the support guys.

    True, I do have to do this for myself. I think I lost sight of that as the lonely nights kept coming and I spent so much time alone. And yeah, I know I've progressed towards healing myself. There's no doubt about that. It just got me down after relapsing so many times. Thanks for the comment man.

    I understand. It looks dealing with these relapses has a learning curve of its own.

    Thanks for the input man but yeah, I don't know how much your approach would apply to me seeing that I've faced ED problems in the past.
     
  2. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: New Journal

    I PMOd earlier today (before I made the above post). My resolve to start a new attempt wasn't very strong. Looks like it wasn't the best idea as I'm all anxious now. Earlier, one of the girls at my fitness meets started asking me about whether I'm dating, etc. And then she just outright said she found me interesting and I panicked lol.

    A strange reaction considering how comfortable I am around women. Well first off, I don't find her super attractive or anything. Definitely don't see myself in a relationship with her. I've looked at her as more of a fuck buddy thing. I guess my mind was just trying to get around the fact that if we did get anywhere physically, I'd have to deal with the whole ED pandemonium. Anyway, we've got a movie date planned for this Friday.

    Secondly, I recognized some of those "Nice Guy" emotions coming up in me throughout the evening. This anxiety I feel now is very reminiscent of the nice guy in me. I definitely haven't felt this for a while now and I'm sure it's because of my porn use over the last two days. I'm going to revisit that book and stay off the porn.
     
  3. Franken Penis

    Franken Penis New Member

    Re: New Journal

    i feel you brother. i absolutely do.

    but then again i remind myself of the situations where really hot women made direct signals at me that they are interested in getting closer but my porn infested brain didnt let me do the natural reaction.

    im in a similar position as you. i made 11 days ago the descision to abandon porn but have relapsed to MO twice and pmo once. so im really not in a position to give anybody advice but what keeps my interest high in doing this is:
    do you want to see the things that are done in porn on the monitor for the rest of your life or do you want to work towards the day where you can do all the things you like to see with a nice female yourself.

    time is ticking. we really need to man up and do this or some day we sit old and grey on a park bench see a young female jogger and think. "yes a girl like that once wanted to sleep with me but i was busy jerking of to that stunning czech blonde...."
    the thought alone gives me shivers...
     
  4. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: New Journal

    Very well said man. I think I'll save that last part somewhere where I can read it in times of weakness.
     
  5. Frankhell

    Frankhell I'm gonna break this rusty cage

    Re: New Journal

    Dude, we all love the porn. I've been loving it for years. Matter of fact, the only thing keeping me from watching P right now reply replying to you guys lol. Gotta stay busy and gotta get out of the house. Our goal should be to get that hot blonde Czech in our bed, or at least have the confidence to try.
     
  6. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: New Journal

    Haha, I hear you man. I don't know when I'll move to Europe but I sure as hell want to and when I do, I want my junk to work FFS.

    Also, it seems you posted on my journal as I posted on yours. Just thought it was funny.
     
  7. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: New Journal

     
  8. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: New Journal

    Very inspiring. It's funny to think some of this is what I've told other people before. I need a recap of what I preach.

    Thanks for the link. I've added it to my youtube playlist. That initial quote is brilliant "Success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal". I'm sure this thinking will help a lot of people who want to focus on their reboot but I'd like to apply it to my career goals as well and that's what I'm going to do.

    That tip he suggests of writing down the goal on a card is something I must have thought of doing every other day for the last two months. It's so strange how easy it is to lose sight of what you set out to do if you don't remind yourself every single day.
     
  9. wayne_992

    wayne_992 New Member

    Re: New Journal

    taking it one day at a time is the best way to go, set simple hurdles to distract your self from the huge mountain that is ahead for you to climb.
     
  10. Sergio

    Sergio New Member

    Re: New Journal

    Might seem obvious boys, but remind yourself that the images on the internet aren't real. That Czech woman doesn't know you, and doesn't care. She was just getting paid to pose, or do whatever she was doing. It's all an illusion, and you're just fucking yourselves up by getting involved in it.
     
  11. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: New Journal

    Day 1: So, the first day of my new reboot. Well, I'm past 24 hours already because I PMO'd yesterday morning but whatever, I'm not counting it like that. Can definitely see some urges later during the day but I know I'll be able to control myself for the next 5 days at least.

    Good luck soldiers. Stay strong.
     
  12. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: New Journal

    Day 2: I had an awesome and adventurous dream last night. Something about bike gangs and borrowing my dad's cialis (WTF LOL). Wasn't a sex dream but I stayed in bed longer just so it could finish the story, haha. Haven't had one of those in ages.

    Woke up with some nice wood but now all my urges are obsolete. I see this as another dead dick day.

    Got stuff to do with regard to looking for work. I'll focus on that for the day.
     
  13. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: New Journal

    All the best to you looking for work, mate. I'm looking for work as well and a side benefit of not PMOing is definitely less procrastination on this front.

    Will keep a watch on your sub-goals tactic. It's good to mix up how you're going to approach this. I just MOed 5 days ago and am now operating on a "One day at a time" basis instead of trying of ticking off milestones.
     
  14. Frankhell

    Frankhell I'm gonna break this rusty cage

    Re: [Current - Day 2] [Previous Record - Day 7] [Goal - 90 No PMO]

    Yes, seems like one of the effects of no PMO is more vivid dreams. I have been expieriencing this too, some sexual some not.
     
  15. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: New Journal

    Thanks man and same to you. We'll need all the support in the world to find a job in this economy. Didn't actually get anything done on that front today though. Thanks to a distraction in the form of a Tunisian/German girl falling into my lap. More on that in the Day 2 section of this post.

    Ah, I didn't want to elaborate because I'd probably just end up with some pseudoscientific conclusions lol. But yes, I've noticed an increase in startling and vivid dreams lately. I wouldn't attribute it to the abstinence though. Probably just a phase.

    Nice article for you guys: This talks about how relapses are a part of recovery that recovering addicts can expect to face and helps put the whole "kicking the habit" pursuit in perspective. I came across this when I read an entry in one of the journals about black and white thinking patterns in addicts. That term stuck with me because it perfectly represents what I've recognized but failed to understand in my own thinking patterns. I've always wondered why I have an "All or Nothing" approach to most things, why grey areas have been hard for me to deal with and why extreme thinking is the only kind that makes sense to me. Over time, I've realized this aspect of my psyche and have made conscious efforts to bring myself out of those thinking patterns but didn't know there was an actual term for it. The latest example I could give you was how I felt immediately after my last relapse where I posted about feeling like a failure and so forth. Keep in mind I felt that way despite knowing and preaching that you still make progress by attempting to reboot even if you're not completely successful in meeting your own goal.

    Old me would have given up at that point and given in to a depression cycle but I guess my efforts to move away from polarized thinking patterns have shown in my making this new journal and getting back on the wagon with an unchanged goal.

    I'll take my pat on the back now.

    Here's the article: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201007/the-new-quitter?page=3

    Day 2 Events: Interesting day. This Tunisian/German flight attendant has been in contact with me over the last month ever since she found out about my public work out sessions. She comes to my city one or twice a month. The only fuck up is that she's just here during the day before she flies out at night so it's hard to get any romantic time in. I live in the United Arab Emirates and there are two main obstacles I face when trying to turn a situation like this into something physical. One's the weather, it's 45 degrees celsius on a daily basis now. Second, it's quite conservative. You can't kiss in public or anything and that sucks.

    Anyway, she texted me in the morning to let me know she was in town and I thought about whether I should meet with her. I mean, SERIOUSLY thought about it. The last time we met it was kind of anticlimactic. At the beach, super hot and I just went home after chatting and swimming for a few hours so I didn't really want to go through that again.

    Then I thought about her rack.

    Next thing you know, I'm taking a cab to the mall with a very clear intention in mind. Get laid, or close. Don't linger around for a loser chat. There's pillow talk for that. After all, what else would a young guy and girl expect to do meeting up like this. I'm not here for the friend zone, motherfucker. Through all this, I remember some parts from No More Mr Nice Guy and make it clear to myself that I'm going to be a man in this situation and not get into her pants by being some manipulative wuss in any way.

    So we meet up and walk and chat around the mall and that's nice. I'm enjoying the chat and it was inside with air conditioning so I didn't have to deal with the heat. My next thought is how to take this further so I steer the conversation over from apples or some shit to when she last had sex LOL. Don't ask me how.

    So then we talk about our sex lives and we sit down at a bench. I tell her I've wanted to kiss her for the last half an hour and she's all shocked and blushes and tells me she's going crazy imagining it. She tells me she's looking for someone to have a serious relationship with. I'm discouraged because she's not the kind I'd get serious with so I tell her I'm just looking for something casual from her and whether she'd like to start something with me. And she's like "Yes sure." LOL.

    Then she tells me about how I have deep, magnetic eyes and how she's realized that even though I came across as shy initially, it's actually reserved confidence. Which is true. In comparison to the other girls I've hit on, my approach to her was far less boastful and pretentious. I've always felt the need to prove how superior I am in how I think when it comes to women. With her I never really tried to prove anything, I mostly just listened and I was honest about my opinions. I'll attribute this to increased self awareness after reading No More Mr Nice Guy.

    Anyway, then comes the downer. So I suggest we go back to her room and she stuffs it. From how she explained her objection I think she'd feel like kind of a slut if she just took me back to her place in the middle of the afternoon to fuck. She's one of those nice, modest girl types.

    End

    What I want to highlight most about this story is how I told her that I'm looking for a casual thing AFTER she said she wanted something serious.

    Nice Guy Dragon would have 'in the moment' convinced himself that's what he wanted from her and said "Yeah me too." and then make some emotionally appealing statements to manipulate her into bed (while thinking he's being a great and honest guy) and eventually face some scarring emotional damage after things predictably fail. Yes, it's how things have rolled in the past. I see it now.

    The hardest part though, was that I was SO INCREDIBLY TURNED ON FOR THE REST OF THE DAY! ARG!! Sitting next to her gave me a semi and all that sex talk increased the urge. Got back home and I was fighting spontaneous erections (50%) for the rest of the evening. Geez.

    I feel good after honestly expressing myself like this. I made my needs clear and didn't find some twisted compromise, far removed from what I really wanted from her. And even though we didn't get to bang, I don't feel like I failed at this interaction in any sense.

    She just sent me a text saying she had a really fun time and likes how I am.
     
  16. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: Wall of text - Surprise encounter with a flight attendant

    Good job with the Flight Attendant. Better luck next time on getting laid but you scored a victory on not trying to match your opinion to a woman's. You're on Day 2, but all those previous reboot attempts meant that your confidence isn't on Day 2.

    I'm reading No More Mr. Nice Guy as well, doing the exercises, and hoping that reading NMMNG + reboot will get me to your point in the near future.
     
  17. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Wall of text - Surprise encounter with a flight attendant

    Thanks guys. There's no doubt all my reboot attempts have had a positive impact on me. I've essentially been PMOing once a week for the last month and only when I'm uncontrollably horny, not when I'm bored. A large step in the right direction.

    Day 3: Went to bed hard last night thinking about the flight attendant. I really want her but oh well, I'll only see her in September now. But it's cool that I'm responding to a real person from actual physical urges without that PMO haze clouding my desires up.

    Yesterday, I was very tempted especially after I made my journal entry. I started trying to convince myself to google pictures of hot Tunisians but I used a technique talked about in the article I posted above and detached myself from my urges. Basically, you try to observe your urges from a third person point of view and experience the waves of what you're feeling as they come and go. Combined with having fallen into this trap of innocent googling before and facing the consequences, I just shut off my laptop and went to bed.

    Woke up with great energy levels and no real rustling beneath the bushes so I expect today not to be much of a challenge. I just have to be patient to reach and conquer day 7 again. Fast forward anyone?
     
  18. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Wall of text - Surprise encounter with a flight attendant

    You're half way towards the goal man, I know you know you can do it. No more looking at pictures, they're not worth it. Keep pushing it.
     
  19. Mighty Mouse

    Mighty Mouse New Member

    Re: Crazy urges for a real woman [Day 3] [Record: Day 7]

    Good work, my man!

    I like your account of hanging out with the flight attendant in the UAE heat. I sounds exotic! Would be a good scene from a movie.

    Hang in there with the urges and enjoy the new you.
     
  20. TrainingTheDragon

    TrainingTheDragon New Member

    Re: Crazy urges for a real woman [Day 3] [Record: Day 7]

    Full disclosure: I really didn't want to update my journal today out of shame and a fear of being judged. But whatever, I'm doing this reboot for myself and I'm not going to give up. I relapsed again yesterday. Not exactly sure why I let it happen but I've noticed I'm a little more complacent in my efforts to stop. Today I almost edged just out of pure boredom (I started and then I stopped), the whole time my mind was screaming "YOU'RE USING IT TO DEAL WITH YOUR BOREDOM NOW? CMON MAN." I've PMOd three days out of the last eight or nine (sometimes once, sometimes three times).

    I'm also offering like no resistance to triggers. Yesterday, a prank video with a hot middle-aged asian woman sent me looking for japanese porn. Heck, I searched for escort videos after reading some of Underdog's posts. Of course, there was nothing he said that was directly or intentionally triggering. I just let my mind wander without putting up any resistance. I guess I've slowly lost my focus over the recent relapses.

    I'm not going to beat myself up about it like after my last relapse because that doesn't go anywhere but I do see how I'm slowly slipping back. I can see the impact this last week is having on my progress over the last two months. Definitely noticing a drop in my concentration and an increase in lethargy. Also sensing my brain fog returning, just makes me want to stay inside my room and waste away the day.

    I'm going to let what happened, stay in the past and do my best to get through the next few days until my head clears up. In the mean time, I'll disregard any negative emotions that boil up in me. I know they will just be a consequence of the brain fog and lethargy resulting from the PMO.

    Update: Also noticed my mood is rapidly fluctuating up and down and I'm feeling very irritable. Just going to focus on disconnecting myself from my emotions.
     

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