Never Give Up letting go.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Binderdonedat, Apr 19, 2012.

  1. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    You're doing an amazing reboot.

    Most people would crack under that kind of pressure from the outside world. You're holding on this time. 10 days already. Just think about it. Biggest enemy of all is yourself. If you can manage to defeat yourself (in this case - PMO addiction). You're safe from cracking by courts or other stuff.

    Keep it up!
     
  2. Binderdonedat

    Binderdonedat New Member

    Thanks so much Laurynas
    I feel a small pang of guilt that I am not participating, as you are so gratiously, with other's journals. I've read around here abit, and its interesting.
    Day 12 no porn or 'frapping' Haven't mentioned on here that I am flatlined totally. Its kind of glum, but not worth focussing on. I'm quite familiar with these early stages of reboot. What I'm aiming for is the return of sexual energy like the wind finally hitting my sails, with my hands firmly on the rudder, directing that energy to take me where I want to go.
    I actually have waisted alot of time escaping in other ways than porn and frappage. I need to work on making my reality better so that escape is not so attractive. My newest escape was studying some world war history. Not all bad, but I need to replace the escape I found in porn, WAY more powerfull than anything else I do, with more possitive escapes. Like recreation.
    Social isolation is a big factor. I have so many things to do that I have to do by myself and need to get out socially more.
    Shame is what makes me isolate.
    Anyways, its a rather pricarious situation staying away from porn for me. Every thought and action, however minimal, leads me towards or directs me away. I get tired in that struggle, and support is sorely appreciated. I'm not well connected.
     
  3. John4MyLife

    John4MyLife New Member

    Binderdonedat, you are doing so good my friend. You are also so very right about getting out socially. For men like us who have been living in isolation just going bowling with a group of people can feel great. One of the things I am doing right now for myself is denying myself home entertainment. No TV, no movies, no music, nothing. Only reading. My home used to be the place where I would isolate from the world and dive into my PMO fantasy world. Now I am intentionally reversing that behavior and making my home a place of quiet and peacefulness and I am forcing myself to go out to get any entertainment. I live alone so it's something I can control. And it's working really well.

    Stay strong, and just keep moving forward...you are not alone. John.
     
  4. Binderdonedat

    Binderdonedat New Member

    Wow thanks John4mylife!
    I just turned down a social evening a few minutes ago with the excuse that I had to go to work at 3 in the morning, which, even though that's true, its not the only reason. It was an over a hundred kilometer (60 mile) drive to go watch strippers. Not a particularly good thing for me to do....
     
  5. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    If you think that it was not a good thing for you - then well done on choosing the right thing.

    Good luck at work (night-shifts, glad I don't have those).

    How's your reboot?
     
  6. Binderdonedat

    Binderdonedat New Member

    Day 14 no porn or masturbation.
    Thanks Laurynas.
    No time now. Just reporting in. Pretty major anxiety and depression.
     
  7. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    What do you think causes it?
     
  8. John4MyLife

    John4MyLife New Member

    Hi Binderdonedat - haven't heard from you in a few days and was concerned. I know what depression is like. It is a very dark place. Hope you are just super busy. Let us know how your are doing when you get a chance.

    John.
     
  9. Binderdonedat

    Binderdonedat New Member

    Thanks Guys
    slipped briefly. Resetting back to zero
    I realised that I have been living like its the end of my life. Acting suicidal without thinking it.
     
  10. John4MyLife

    John4MyLife New Member

    I know that feeling well. Let me tell you it can and does get better. My depression of 30+ years ended May 11, 2012 after quitting PMO. I had wished I was dead for over 30 years and now I don' t have that thought anymore. It really does get better.

    Don't give your slip a second thought. Just apologize to your better man self and move forward. Falling down isn't failure, just get back up and take another step.

    John.
     
  11. Binderdonedat

    Binderdonedat New Member

    Thanks so much John.
    Its good to see you active on here. You really help people like me, who are stuck.
    Slipped again, trying to get out of my depressive state and get moving again.
    Need to stay away from that shit.
     
  12. Binderdonedat

    Binderdonedat New Member

    Two days clean and clear of the porn and frappage.

    Really isolated and depressed, not even motivated by fear. Dead. Flatlined in the ultimate sense. Forcing myself to drudgingly go through the minimal motions. I really tripped the depression with the my actions,putting up with unbelievable abuse, isolating, slipping into porn fed masturbation, unproductive periods where I just wander around looking for an acceptable escape...

    Situation: Son will get up soon and call me a piece of shit for father's day. There's a dynamic where my ex-wife backs up his demands for things I can afford, like vehicles and shit, and he has this incredible defiant sense of entitlement, does NO chores, No Job, nothing but party, smoke dope with his friends, they leave a mess of my house everytime I am at work, won't clean it up.....
    They've smashed, (totalled) my car, bikes, furniture, muddied carpets and floor, etc, etc.... And he's completely verbally abusive to me. He uses the exact words and phrases as my ex did and its like post traumatic stress disorder kicking in. I am done using the counsellors advise of being nice back.! Also kind of getting more and more like an ultimatum from my girlfriend to deal with him. I got up at two in the morning and there was five of them planning Fucking post traumatic stress syndrome. Typing this got my blood flowing again! Holy shit, this is good. Two para-fucking-graphs and a little expression and I'm feeling the anger. That's good. Its motivation.

    People pleasing. Let face it, Porn and masturbation makes for a weak man, a pathetic, sniveling, isolating, pud pulling weasle. My recovery involves standing up for myself. Can't keep away from Porn unless I stand up like a man, can't stand up like a man unless I keep away from the porn.

    Oops, gotta go.
     
  13. Binderdonedat

    Binderdonedat New Member

    4 days clean.
     
  14. Binderdonedat

    Binderdonedat New Member

  15. Binderdonedat

    Binderdonedat New Member

  16. hotspur

    hotspur New Member

    Good work, keep it going!
     
  17. Binderdonedat

    Binderdonedat New Member

    Thanks Hotspur!
    Not much time, and not alot of inspiration at the moment now.
    7 days with no porn or masturbation now. Got to keep this going, and at some point get involved with some recovery discussion.
    I was reading No MOre Mr Nice Guy, but switched to fiction for escape. Paradoxically, it was A Million Little Pieces by Richard Frey, a semi-fictional story about an addict that goes into recovery, and it felt somewhat empowering .
     
  18. Binderdonedat

    Binderdonedat New Member

    Had a slip, and have been clean 2 days. Okay, clearly not active on here. Its not going to change for a while
    Since I am still actively trying to stay away from porn and 'reboot' as it were, and only have time to keep score here..... - means slip and --- means relapse and each - represents a day
    7-2 means I had 7 days no porn or masturbation, had a slip, lost a day, and now have 2 days no porn or masturbation.
    7-2
     
  19. John4MyLife

    John4MyLife New Member

    Sorry to hear about the slip. Just forgive yourself and move forward my friend.

    Have you picked up reading No More Mr Nice Guy? I am re-reading it now. Now that I am clear of the fog of porn and MO I am getting new insights into my Nice Guy behavior. I am uncovering my fears of success. It's amazing the shit I'm holding onto.

    Good to hear from you! Stay in touch....

    John.
     
  20. John4MyLife

    John4MyLife New Member

    Haven't heard from you in awhile....how are you doing?

    John.
     

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