I'm becoming more aware of my addict nature as I go along, and how it shapes my life. Although I want to get clean and be happy, there is still part of me that wants to mess up. It's too easy to say there is an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, but I have an inner voice that wants to pull everything apart and revel in chaos. I am becoming more mindful of this, although that doesn't mean I can control it. Yesterday evening, tired and in need of a little pick-up, I hit the chocolate. Not the end of the world, but I'd started something I couldn't stop until I felt too sick to go on. It began with the cream egg my wife offered me, and then I took a Hershey's bar from the cupboard - one of those disgusting cookies 'n' creme sugar bomb bars. It was hers and I stole it. Again, no major issue, but the process of me dealing with the temptation was the same as ever: shaking, pacing, telling myself it was better than a whole list of other things I could be doing, then giving in with the attitude that the whole thing was pre-ordained. And the process of being unable to stop until I physically couldn't go on was a road I'd been down before. Thing is, I don't really like chocolate - too cloying. Given a choice, I'll take candy. And I always try to avoid chocolate in the evening because the caffeine interrupts my sleep, which isn't the greatest at this point of my re-boot. And it gives me breakouts, too. It took me an age to get to sleep, and then I woke at 3am following a dream about online porn. Not a wet dream so much as my inner struggle: I was reading about a woman who wanted to be a human Barbie doll who was photographed without her clothes, and - in the dream - I clicked on the pic so I could see it big just to confirm this fact. Even in the dream I was conflicted about this, but was telling myself it was OK because it was a news item. I lay awake thinking about this for quite a while. Thing is, alcohol has been calling me back now my re-boot is under way. It just happens that I had a long chat with an old friend in a bar last week about his return to drinking after more than a decade sober - he'd found a sudden interest in wine connoisseurs, and figured that he was OK if he just drank wine, but admitted he drank for the buzz, and possibly too much. I was sipping soda while he had two big glasses of wine. In the scheme of things, alcohol was killing me - poisoning me. Porn is more subtle, it taints your soul. It was making me very negative, with a particularly dark view of women. I'm not saying chocolate is as evil as alcohol or porn, just that my addict brain is flaring up and looking for an out. On the plus side, I'm getting to watch how the process works. Personally, I'd rather watch the temptation battle over something as trivial as a chocolate bar.