Need to find a way out of my head.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by moose, Sep 25, 2020.

  1. moose

    moose Member

    Last night I had intense fantasies flash in my head while I was trying to fall asleep. Some were with my fiance others were kinda P related. I would always try to change my mind. But they kept coming back. I tried to analyze why this was happening. I felt very anxious like I was not good enough. My relationship ship anxiety was high. I was also anxious about maybe never getting the use of my dick back.

    I told my self, before the addiction stopped me from feeling these things. The addiction wanted me to mute this out. I need to feel these emotions to be healthy. I need to analyze these feelings and find their origin.

    It became clear the pattern I kept doing in the past. I used porn and masterbation to sooth myself. I need to learn to sooth myself in other ways.

    Aside from that I had some more nocturnal erections. But woke up today with no morning wood. I'm feeling very fragile today. But I can smile and know I'm a good path to heal. I just hope I get my erections back and get out of this PIED.
  2. moose

    moose Member

    My anxiety is high right now. Mostly my relationship anxiety. Because I have PIED I can't please my fiance. I don't feel like a man. My anxiety is so high. Everytime she is on the phone, I think she is talking to another guy. I feel not good enough. I just want this to end. I want to be a good lover, a great partner and a good man. I'm so lost and insecure right now.

    I feel like a needy child right now. I haven't said anything. Because I know these things are not true. But why can't I just drop this feeling.
  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about the anxiety and the mindset. Maybe some meditation could help ?

    I don't think that PIED makes you less of a man in any kind of way. You are a man !! (I mean it).

    If you're fighting to improve this aspect of yourself, that's very manly right there I would think.

    It sounds like maybe you have some distrust/insecurity with the relationship. Is there any way to talk about this with your fiance ? To actually find out objectively what she thinks about your situation ? This could increase intimacy and then it may help you rewire with her (when you want to do it).

    All the best !
  4. moose

    moose Member

    I have alot of hurt from past relationships. I had a gf leave me for a deadbeat drug dealer. She basically told me he was a better man in everyway. This fucked with my head. Years later I heard he was in jail. His family and friends.

    I saw him a couple years later standing on the street selling drugs in the same shithole project.

    Anyway that really fucked me up. I never got over it.
  5. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Good luck with this. Unhappily I relate to you on this. But this is something we have to overcome. Staying away from porn and curing PIED is very important for guys like us, but being in peace with our past is also fundamental. It takes time... But it’s not easy. You are not alone, friend.
    moose likes this.
  6. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yeah I can really understand that. Unfortunately sometimes we give too much power to what people think of us. Especially those so close and important to us. Maybe that guy was not better then you, nor you better then him, since you are both humans. He was a "deadbeat drug dealer" - maybe he was messed up. Not to excuse him. Just another messed up person who is doing fucked up things as a result.

    Guess you have to look for some closure somehow and also see if it's possible to discuss the current fears you have with your current fiancé.

    I know this is all "easier said then done" - but maybe these ideas can help a little.
    moose and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  7. moose

    moose Member

    Thanks for the post. You guys keep me going and motivated.
  8. moose

    moose Member

    This is great advice. Maybe I'll talk with her in the next week. If not this week I will eventually.
  9. moose

    moose Member

    Things have been going pretty good these past few days. I feel positive, I'm able to feel my anxiety but it is alot easier to combat with some positive self talk.

    Work has been busy and I haven't been sleeping well lately so getting through the day has been tough.
    Shady likes this.
  10. moose

    moose Member

    Wow I just checked and it's day 34.

    So Sunday my fiance and a had successful sex. I mean I and her had to physically stimulate me to a get full erection. But it was 80-90% full and it worked!

    Plus I didn't feel the foreign feeling and the disconnect. I felt connected to her and in the moment. It was great!
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  11. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Happy for you. It should even get better with time. I hope you are well. I know you are struggling with depression, and started taking medications... I hope you are okay, friend. Keep us posted.
    moose likes this.
  12. moose

    moose Member


    I'm doing great, been meeting with my therapist almost weekly. It has helped big time. The meds are also helping bit I've learned alot of strategies to deal with my anxiety. I feel like I'm on the right path to recover from PIED but most importantly from my depression and anxiety.
    Shady and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  13. moose

    moose Member

    It's been almost just over 1.5 months.
    Doing good. But I'm still have trouble getting and maintaining an erection. I'm able to get going with stim from my fiance or my self bit it's not 100% quality. Still no porn. Which is good. But the idea of testing if it works while watching porn is a thought. But I quickly change my thinking.

    Been doing cardio lost 3 lbs woohoo.

    Hope you all are doing well.
    Shady likes this.
  14. moose

    moose Member

    Been awhile since I posted here.

    Things are going good. Just over the the 2 month mark. My erection are improved. Some days I wake up with a morning wood others I don't. I can get hard with the fiance but go soft still sometimes during penetration. I dont get spontaneous erections during the day.

    I can't only get hard with physical stimulation from myself or my fiance. But I do get 90% erect. So things are improving.

    Still no PMO. Hell ya.

    Only O with the fiance.

    Still get a bit anxious about maybe not getting the use of my dick back like it used to be. But I tell myself in time thing will be be better. I'd say I'm 60% through this. I'm in it for the long haul. I do notice that after O with my fiance I go into a flatline. This flatline has been getting shorter and shorter each time. So that is good. It's about 2-3 days.

    I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Still seeing my therapist and working through alot of stuff. Which has really helped.
    Shady and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  15. Gaz1029

    Gaz1029 New Member

    Hey moose, did you manage to quit smoking completely in the end? I’ve been 2 months now since I quit smoking cigarettes and cannabis as you’ve read in my post, but my depression and anxiety has nearly completely gone now. I do get anxious when I think About my failed attempt earlier this year but I think I was already having a depressive moment so maybe that could have also triggered things not to work. Ever since I quit smoking, I run 5km everyday and lift weights 2-3 times a week. Gyms are currently closed in the UK. I’ve switch my diet over to whole foods and I’m starting to feel so much better about everything. I started counting my days 21 days ago from quitting porn, but I get morning erections every day and multiple during the night as they wake me up. Some are only 50% but some are 100%.
    My advise is to keep calm, meditate everyday, quit smoking if you haven’t already, get active and start feeling good about yourself again. Honestly heartbreak for me was the biggest kick up the arse I needed to sort my life out. I did M today out of interest as I just gazed out the window at the wall next door, so no fantasy or P involved and I was able to get 100% to touch and feeling. Of course I don’t have a partner to test with but sometimes not everything is 100% to do with P. But quitting P is going to help as well and reducing M to an absolute minimum will help as well.

    I wish you all the best on your journey. Things do get better but you have to give it time and enjoy the journey!
  16. moose

    moose Member

    Haven quit smoking yet. Still trying.
  17. Gaz1029

    Gaz1029 New Member

    Keep trying bro it will make a world of difference in the long run!
  18. moose

    moose Member

    I'm really happy right now. My therapist has told me that when I feel anxious about starting to try to have sex with my fiance to just push myself to do it. This whole week I've been so horny. But the fiance was on her time of the month. But today she was done. I was so anxious cause I knew I wanted to and I knew she wanted to. It was like the minute I knew it could happen anxiety started. I won't get it up. I'm not good enough. But I remember what my therapist told me. We were laying in bed watching a movie and I went for it. I put all that anxious bullshit to the side. BAM huge erection. Just from gropping her no physical stim from her. It was awesome. I stayed hard the whole time. It wasn't very long but he'll still a win for me. I'm pumped. Things are looking good. I do have to say I have no idea what day I am on, almost 3 months, but wow, my libido in the past few weeks has been crazy. Maybe it's the no PMO or the fact I've lost weight and been hitting the gym or all of the above. But I feel as if things are changing for the better.

    Hope you all are doing good.
  19. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Those are really good news. Happy for you, man, hope things continue to go well for you.
    moose likes this.
  20. moose

    moose Member

    Wow. I totally forgot about my count and realized just now that 3 months was yesterday. Wow I just have to say that my libido is back in full force. EQ is pretty damn good. The last time the fiance and I had sex I was rock hard. Didn't loose it either. But I didn't last long either oh well. In time.

    I do still get the urge to watch porn or jerk off but it's really easy to just change my mind. But I do fantasize about my fiance and that gets me almost completely hard. Things feel good. I feel like I have life down below. No P or M.

    No it's just my anxiety of making the first move. I'm horny all the time. But I get stuck at making the move.

    Wow 3 months, I did it.

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