Need to find a way out of my head.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by moose, Sep 25, 2020.

  1. moose

    moose Member

    So here it goes. Total honesty.

    Me male 11 years old my brother 16 shows me a video. Won't go into detail. But this was my first exposure to sex. I wanted to watch more.

    Summer holidays I stayed inside. My 56k modem was getting a workout. I'd spend hours watching and wanking. But I found it would get kinkier by the week. Watch alkinds of twisted stuff.

    Around the age of 15 I start wanting to do some of these acts. I open up a message board and start chatting. A couple in their early 40. We meetup. But there was no woman just him. We go back to his place and we'll things happened.

    I was acting out the things I saw in these videos.

    Fast forward to now. I'm 35 and have been stuck in this femdom cuck loop. And it's screwing with my mind. My confidence and my erection. My fiance is having patience with me. But this confidence is lacking everywhere. Even at work. In the bedroom and relationship anxiety. So I need help. I booked an appointment with a sex therapist on the 5of Oct.

    My goals right now

    No porn.
    Jerking 2 times a week
    Sex with wife 2 -3 times a week
    Jog every day.
    Sit ups push up.
    Work hard at my job
    Try and push the negative anxious thoughts out

    Any advice would be appreciated!
  2. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Hey man - my advice would be to not do MO at all. If you are having sex 2 to 3 times a week that should be plenty. In my experience masturbating without porn has eventually lead back to porn. I think it would be better to just focus on establishing real intimacy and connection with your wife.
  3. moose

    moose Member

    I'll take your advice. No MO. Probably best. No O unless it's with the fiance. I'm also quiting smoking.

  4. moose

    moose Member

    Quick little update.

    My mood has been all over the place. Random bouts of just feeling like shit like I'm not a man or good enough for my fiance. I do have a huge self confidence/self-esteem issues. So hopefully I can get some advice from the therapist.

    Haven't watched porn or had the need to. My dreams are so messed up tho. Flashes of porn images, so weird. This usually happens while I'm trying to fall asleep

    The few times my fiance and I have had sex I have had some performance issues when it came to PIV. I'm starting with my therapist on the 5th. I'm also looking forward to the results of quiting smoking. Better breathing feeling better generally, more energy, and hard erections.

    I've had alot of relationship anxiety like for no reason since stopping porn and M and quiting smoking. Maybe it's to much.
  5. moose

    moose Member

    Update. Been having alot of anxiety. Also woke up this morning no morning wood. I used to always have morning wood. Is it normal to loose morning wood? Does it come back?
  6. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    How long has it been since you last PMO'd?
  7. moose

    moose Member

    It's been 2 weeks since PMO. But my fiance noticed Sunday morning I had morning wood. And gave me a hand job. But like I said this morning no morning wood.

    I did have some dreams of me using my phone to watch porn last night.

    I've been super horny mixed with anxiety. I say horny but I'm not sure what real libido is. I've always been doing this PMO thing. Is there a difference between "horny" now and what real libido horny is?

    I was in the bathroom and my fiance came in naked she was beautiful. Am I supposed to be getting hard. Or just enjoying the view. What is normal arousal? Do guy my age (35) get hard when they see there wife walk by naked?

    If so confused what is real libido and what is not.
  8. moose

    moose Member

    Today was a better day anxiety wise. It's still there but good. My self confidence is still lacking. Working I fell I'm not doing a good job even though I got a nice bonus recently.

    Went to the fiance's parents house and just chatted felt good to get out especially during these times. No social anxiety but I didn't feel totally happy. I think I'm dealing with a bit of depression mixed in here. Hopefully when I meet with the therapist on the 5th I'll be able talk about everything.

    I just want to feel confident in life and with my fiance. Feeling confident in the bedroom. Feel motivated. Have energy.

    Went jogging today. Damn, I'm reminded of how bad I need to quit smoking. Down to 5 smokes a day now. Used to be almost a pack a day smoker.

    Anyone else notice a change in the visual of their penis. Like skin is softer penis just looks healthier. No purple ridge on the bridge around the head.
  9. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    It depends on the individual. If you're experiencing arousal in the presence of your fiance, surely that's a good thing.

    I'd suggest avoiding femdom/cuck stuff entirely (it's destructive on so many levels). Instead, focus on building a genuine connection with your partner based on honesty and intimacy.

    Instead of pushing out these thoughts could you try to process them? i.e. make sense of them and figure out what you're anxious about. Perhaps this is something you could discuss with your therapist.
  10. moose

    moose Member

    I'm definitely staying away from femdom/cuck porn. It's so self destructive and destroyed my self esteem and confidence.

    Those anxious thought come from somewhere. I have a list of these thoughts that I'll bring up with my therapist. Mostly it's about being good enough in life, and with my fiance. They come from somewhere. I'll be good to talk to someone about these thoughts and feelings.
  11. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @moose it's normal for morning wood to come and go during reboot. Don't give it much thought the first couple of months.
  12. moose

    moose Member

    @Shady I'm just worried about my performance anxiety and ED when I comes to sex with my fiance. It terrifies me that I might not work.
    Wookiecheese likes this.
  13. Wookiecheese

    Wookiecheese New Member

    I'm not there yet but your worrying about your performance will effect your performance more than your brain resetting
  14. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @moose same reply. Don't give ituch thought right now.
    Your partner should understand too.
  15. moose

    moose Member

    Tonight I'm feeling good. Spent some really close intimate time in bed watching tv and talking while cuddling with the fiance. I haven't felt that close and connected to her in months. No sex. Just a really great time.

    Today was ok. I had some anxiety and problems focusing. My ADD is acting up. But I think my depression and anxiety cause my ADD. I'm finding that the less I'm browsing the web on phone the better I feel.

    Still no morning wood. I was relieved that sex didn't happen to night. I guess I'm so stuck in my head about it. Hopefully I can get out of my head, ground my self and just enjoy the moment.
  16. moose

    moose Member

    Today was a good day. Very little anxiety. Had my appointment with my therapist. Went pretty well. Was a little awkward talking about some the issues. But in time it will be easier.

    Trigger warning******

    My fiance wanted a back rub. Things progress to sex. I just couldn't get hard. When I finally was hard I was so afraid to loose it while putting on a condom. I told myself I'm not gonna get frustrated just please her. Low and behold we both O at the same time while I helped her.

    So she was happy and understanding about that.

    So I haven't watched porn or MOd for almost 3 weeks. Again no morning wood this morning. It's funny how over the the 3 weeks my thoughts have shifted from porn thoughts to my fiance and things I wanna do with her. I still try and not fantasize about her to much. Not sure how that would affect my reboot.

    I hope the old pipe starts working soon.
  17. moose

    moose Member

    The weird thing about last night. It was like in my head I was like yeah let's go. But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing. I found her beautiful up top bit nothing was going on below. Nothing.

    It was terrifying. But I didn't want to freak her out so I played it cool.
  18. moose

    moose Member

    I'm finding that I am having urges to fantasize and M. Alot during the day. Had this last week too. Just gotta resist. I'm not sure porn was completely the problem. I had a porn problem no double bit over the past year and a half of cut it out. But not completely. Only been completely P free for almost 4 weeks.

    I'm finding during the day I'm reaching for my phone to browse the net. I think it's linked to my anxiety around feeling hopeless, that maybe this won't work and I want proof that it will work.

    I'm feeling alot better this week compared to last week. I'm looking at other progress which helps. Such as, I used to smoke 15 cigarettes a day I'm down to 5-6, I completely cut out coffee. Which has helped with my anxiety and smoking. I kinda fell of the wagon for jogging. So I gotta get back on that. That might help alot with the remain anxiety and depression. Also this forehead pressure is constant and driving me nuts.

    But again, I'm feeling better. Alot better than last week. Trying to stay positive despite my lack of life down below.
  19. moose

    moose Member

    Today I'm feeling pretty good. Was calm and relaxed while working today. Felt amazing to just feel good and get things done. I was a bit distracted. Had fantasies flash in my mind but they weren't porn or random people. It was vanilla things I wanted to do with my fiance. Not sure if I should continue I blocked it out. It's nice to not be thinking of porn but actually my fiance. Just me and her.

    I've been trying to connect intimately with my fiance without sex. Tonight I gave her a really nice and long body massage followed by some nice soft back touching. While I was massaging her I loved everything I saw. I have this beautiful woman infront of me. But nothing down below well actually I had prec$m leaking out. So something was happening. But I do have to say it's been awhile since I have felt so close to her. It was amazing.

    It's been almost 4 weeks. I don't know exactly not trying to keep track of days just trying to take it one day at a time.
    Deleted User likes this.
  20. moose

    moose Member

    Last night I woke up and noticed I had a nocturnal erection. Wasn't full, probably closer to 70-80% hard. When I did wake up no morning wood tho. Still a step in the right direction.

    Started on an SNRI today. I've been really struggling this entire past year with my mood. I was out of a job for almost year. Finally got one back in may. Luckily.

    I thought with new job and less stress I would come out of it. But it's gotten worse and is party of the reason I used to PMO. We will see how this goes. Not big on the possible side effects but I'll keep a close eye on everything.

    My main objective is to be happy and hard as a rock. So we will see.

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