I relapsed with compulsive sexual behavior today. A month ago I was 7 months abstained from all forms of compulsive sexual behavior like masturbation, looking at pictures or videos of people kissing or wearing lingerie or revealing clothing. (side note: i was 7 months clean from these activities mentioned previously, but i have been free from porn for about a year). but i relapsed looking at these pictures and masturbated. Since then I've had 4 binge days where I did this several times in one day. Today I did the same. I looked at these pictures and masturbated for about an hour, but I found a way to bypass the anti-porn filter on the computer and looked at porn images for about a minute or two. I'm 18 and about to turn 19, even then I know 5 year olds with more internet freedom than me. All the devices in the house have passwords to keep me out. But I heard my dad say the password for the family computer while he was logging in (he didn't know I was listening). That is how I have been able to binge when I'm home alone. This vicious cycle has been happening since I confessed my addiction to my family when I was 13. I want to stop, but I don't have motivation. I feel overwhelmed and tired and drained. These feelings are fading though, which is also bad. I don't feel nearly as bad anymore after I binge (which I think is just as bad because it allows me to keep going in my addiction without having guilt which can give me motivation to stop). I have spoken to some close friends from my church for advice in the past when I was really bad, but I don't see it necessary right now cause I'm not nearly as addicted as I was before. I also have confessed so many times to my parents (in an attempt to motivate myself to quit and to get advice from them) but I don't see the point in confessing my binges to my parents because they have already done everything they could to help me. At first, they comforted me and supported me but now my mom is not understanding, she has panic attacks and blames them on me, slaps me, and tells me i'm a pervert and with no future. My dad just gives vague advice like "make changes already". He doesn't understand either and just gets depressed when I talk to him about my addiction. I’m scared as hell for my own future. I’m not going to my parents for help anymore though, I know I can help myself out of this and that I will grow strong enough to break free from my addictions forever. Any advice for how I can actually do this? Thanks.
Sorry to hear that you already got hooked to this at such young age. It is not your fault man. You're not a pervert, it is just biology. I think it is already really great that you have been able to stay away from it for such long periods. Now you slipped, but that doesn't mean that you're back at square 1. Get some good rest, forgive yourself and keep going. I understand that it is difficult to find someone to talk about this, but I think it is important to put effort in that. Maybe you could even join a SSA group or find an accountability partner. Also keep writing. That helps you to deal with this. As I said before, it is really great that you were able to stay away from porn for such a long time. Many people here on the board are not able to do that. Keep up the good work!
You just need to think in a positive way. You're very young, and you can recover very fast. 7 months clean is a looot! It's very difficult to obtain that for us (in my case) in the forties, and I can imagine it's almost impossible for a young man with hormones/testo always at their highest level. You became aware of the problem already at young age, which is a very good step because lots of us have passed decades with porn, ruining their sexual life. I don't even think you need to be so hard to yourself. Try the 90 days streak with small steps, and then see what happens.
Hi J1210030, different guys here are going to give different advice. Mine is to use masturbation as a substitute for porn. Guys your age MO 2, 3 or more times a week. Look up online How frequently do men masturbate (Sexual Health). Trying to give up both porn and masturbation at your age seems to me to be too much. I know there are some here who believe in NoFap, but I don't. Also try to find a recovery or accountability partner by asking for one on this site. I would not have got so far if I wasn't in daily conversation with my recovery partner (conversation tool under your account). Then you can be totally honest, talk to each other using your actual first names, and discuss problems, slips, relapses, anything.
There is a lot to unpack from your situation and I do totally feel your pain. I will focus on something that caught my eye from your post: you seemed to be doing well, keeping a long streak, until you relapsed, and then suddenly you entered into a spiral of more and more relapses. I've read this story many times, and unfortunately I've also lived it quite a few times myself. I think part of the problem here is the all-or-nothing mentality that many of us have when we start this process. It seems as if all that matters is to build a streak as long as possible, and so once we break it, it feels as if it was all for nothing and we're right back where we started, so we might as well keep relapsing until we find the motivation to start building a long streak again... There's a lot that's wrong with that mindset, in my opinion, and it took me a while to get rid of it myself. My advice here is that you try to look at your recovery more like a continuous process, as opposed to a race towards a long binge. Relapses can and will happen, but they should not take away all the progress that you've made so far. In order to overcome an addiction to porn, you have to do a lot of inner work to understand what's driving that addiction and learn how to cope with those feelings/situations better. All this insight doesn't disappear if you relapse. Quite on the contrary, you can use that relapse to learn a bit more about your addiction (what made you relapse this time? what can you do better next time?). Incorporate this to your process, and your recovery will only get better and better. Anyway, I thought I would give you my five cents on this because it's something I could relate to a lot about what you explained. Hope it is helpful
