Myself...Only Better - [Day 1 Starts NOW]

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by mork, Apr 18, 2012.

  1. mork

    mork New Member

    I won't bombard you with a wall of text. This is where I've been + where I am + where I want to be. I'm going to be brutally honest here with the aspects of my addiction many will choose to avoid, in hopes that someone else can relate.

    I'm a mid-20's newly married man working overseas. My addiction developed in high school and progressed to a point I would have never predicted (and honestly still have trouble reconciling what I've done.) Here comes the backstory:

    As a youngster I internetted images of models just to get a funny feeling, but rarely watched porn. KaZaa was active and I used it to search for gore and violence videos. Honestly it's quite difficult to watch a brutally violent murder closeup on video, especially as a teenager....for some reason I decided I wanted to push the limits on what my mind could take. It was literally a concious decision, and I downloaded a child-porn video from Kazaa. Utterly despicable I agree, and still do to this day it bothers me. This was a jumping off point for the addiction behaviors that followed as I'll explain.

    I was mortified by what I saw in the video, and I'm sure my mind was altered then and there. I couldnt bring myself to look at anymore, but there was definetly a chemical rush from viewing gore videos that I started to crave. Years progressed and I started trading porn with military buddies. It was so out in the open, the only negative connotation involving porn was the "oddity" of someone who didn't have or watch any.

    Somewhere along the line, probably because of the crap I downloaded on Kazaa, I started searching for "jailbait" girls. These are pictures of semi-clothed girls who are distinctly underage. I continued to look at gore, and just knowing that these images of "jailbait" was wrong reinforced whatever crossedwires were in my head.

    The realization: Ok I knew jailbait was wrong, what I didn't know was how porn use was affecting my behavior. I went on vacation with my girlfriend to Vegas. There was not much communication between us, but I had my own plans. We didnt have sex but a couple times on the trip because I too busy looking at porn. We went to a strip club at my urging, and I collected escort cards from the strip. On one of the nights, I called the escort and explained we wanted a threesome....but my girlfriend was unaware and in the next room. When the professional showed up at our door, my relationship was over and my realization began. My gf burst into tears and locked herself in the bathroom. After the relationship ended I googled and googled til I found XXXchurch....a Christian-based porn recovery program. I gave this one hell of an effort and failed.

    I have since gotten married, my wife's aware of my addiction, and I am separated physically from her for work. Only 36 hours ago I followed the advice on yourbrainonporn and installed K9, then changed my password and threw away my temporary email. This computer is essentially porn-free for life. Does that mean Im in the clear? Of course not, but it helps to know it's blocked. Im enrolled in Innergold as well and things are doing better.

    My goal is to stop masturbating and stop porn use. I want to really connect with my wife and never ever look at porn again. This is my goal, and I know how many times I've made this commitment to myself. The difference now is that I am literally alone. Given my circumstances, I hope I can devote my attention to recovery and the lack of porn-access should be a great deterrent.

    Thanks for having me on the forum and thanks for reading!
  2. Nixed

    Nixed Member

    Re: Myself...Only Better

    Welcome Mork! I want to wish you good luck starting your recovery.

    This is a powerful and necessary journey that you're undertaking. Many accounts here and on YBOP say that it is one of the most difficult but the single most rewarding things they have done. Remember you are not alone.

    It is good that you have been able to share some information about your addiction with your wife. Only some of us are fortunate enough to have the support of a woman during recovery and it seems that it can be very helpful. If you want some inspiration on how quitting PMO can reconnect you with a loving wife, check out MetaMorph's progress on his journal: I think his story has inspired more than one of us on this forum. Everyone is different, and while MetaMorph's journal has indicated that he didn't reveal what was going on to his wife, many people do say the best way to heal the added psychological stresses that this can cause on a marriage is to be as honest as you can with her, or at least as honest as you think she can handle. Again, everyone is different.

    The advice that seems to fit for everyone is: remain vigilant, and try to keep yourself busy with productive things like exercise, meditation, and any work that you enjoy doing. You'll get through it!
  3. mork

    mork New Member

    Re: Myself...Only Better

    Thank you for the reply, I will definetly look through that thread for clues as to working with my wife. She is amazing, and caring, and I am very lucky to have her.

    I can't believe how nervous I was just to click on my see a response meant somebody read my post...meaning somebody knows my addictive history. Its nerveracking, but your kind and supportive words actually made me feel better. I hope I can do the same for other people here. Positivity helps in just about every other area of life, it sure as heck should work here too!
  4. mork

    mork New Member

    Re: Myself...Only Better

    You mentioned meditation, and I just want to pass along that I have been doing hypnosis sessions that I downloaded. These are great!!

    It seems there is a definite correlation between social anxiety, general inability to relax, the PM addiction. Hypnosis sessions, whether they are telling you to stop masturbating or increase your self-esteem are great ways to relax and take a 20-30 minutes break. You honestly feel refreshed afterward. It is not a cure-all, but has lingering benefits for at-least hours afterward.

    I've only been doing hypnosis sessions for a week and a half, but I can tell that I'm getting better at calming myself down, and focusing my mind when I'm feeling triggered.
  5. mork

    mork New Member

    Re: Myself...Only Better

    SLIPPED up, sort of. And then I did again.

    Are there any words that do an adequate job of describing this craving? I can't believe how strong it is.

    So this is what happened: My wife's sent me erotic pictures of herself...we both think this will get me off porn. Well it didn't But I have the photos, and since i cat access porn, I thought I would M to these.

    It didnt really feel bad, until later today when I got back. A picture of facebook suddenly triggered me...and it wasn't a picture of my wife. I spent probably 20 minutes trying to convince myself not to whack it, since I already did once today. To no avail...

    The better thing is that I do not have the terrible emptiness/nervous feeling I get after viewing porn for hours.

    How hard is has it been for you to stop the M, by itself? With or without visual aid?
  6. mork

    mork New Member

    Im posting away again today. Been quite attracted to the site as today was my 'slip.' I think I'm in the mode where everything seems possible, very positive about tomorrow and almost naive to the intensity of cravings to masturbate.

    I often struggle in this period, not know quite how much to repress guilt for masurbation and how much negative feeling I should allow.

    I feel like I can go either way --> Feel just fine about masturbation...which I know simply approves the behavior and there's not recovery. Or I can feel very depressed and beat myself up completely over it...which seems to cause my Limbic system to seek a cure and also reinforcing the behavior.

    I'm feeling somwhere in the middle between dissapointment and contentment with my fallablility. I noticed some folks have quite bold intentions like " 300 days, go big or go home" and "Never again."

    Am I fooling myself if I give myself a goal like that? Or is it only the right thing to do? Such as other life goals "I wiill have that job" usually gets you the job over an "I'd like to have that job" attitude.
  7. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Hey Mork,

    I've read every word in this journal and what i can say - you are brave! Writting those kinds of things is very brave and the best part is that you admit that you do have a problem.

    About the goal setting - You should do it! It can sound whatever you like. The most important thing is to set a goal that would motivate you and also - set a prize that you will reward yourself with when you achieve it, it's really important! (Of course avoid the prize being MO or even PMO).

    You slipped but don't judge yourself, don't think it as a bad thing nor a good thing, just let it stay neutral. Now it's in the past, you slipped but now you will know how you feel afterwards and next time remember of this or just ask yourself "Do I really want to slip again?" "Do I really want to slip and go back to the start and let all my effort that I've put in so far to get rid of the addiction go to waste?"

    The slip is not a mistake it's a lesson. ;)

    I believe in you that you CAN FIGHT and WILL DEFEAT this addiction!

Share This Page