I won't bombard you with a wall of text. This is where I've been + where I am + where I want to be. I'm going to be brutally honest here with the aspects of my addiction many will choose to avoid, in hopes that someone else can relate. I'm a mid-20's newly married man working overseas. My addiction developed in high school and progressed to a point I would have never predicted (and honestly still have trouble reconciling what I've done.) Here comes the backstory: As a youngster I internetted images of models just to get a funny feeling, but rarely watched porn. KaZaa was active and I used it to search for gore and violence videos. Honestly it's quite difficult to watch a brutally violent murder closeup on video, especially as a teenager....for some reason I decided I wanted to push the limits on what my mind could take. It was literally a concious decision, and I downloaded a child-porn video from Kazaa. Utterly despicable I agree, and still do to this day it bothers me. This was a jumping off point for the addiction behaviors that followed as I'll explain. I was mortified by what I saw in the video, and I'm sure my mind was altered then and there. I couldnt bring myself to look at anymore, but there was definetly a chemical rush from viewing gore videos that I started to crave. Years progressed and I started trading porn with military buddies. It was so out in the open, the only negative connotation involving porn was the "oddity" of someone who didn't have or watch any. Somewhere along the line, probably because of the crap I downloaded on Kazaa, I started searching for "jailbait" girls. These are pictures of semi-clothed girls who are distinctly underage. I continued to look at gore, and just knowing that these images of "jailbait" was wrong reinforced whatever crossedwires were in my head. The realization: Ok I knew jailbait was wrong, what I didn't know was how porn use was affecting my behavior. I went on vacation with my girlfriend to Vegas. There was not much communication between us, but I had my own plans. We didnt have sex but a couple times on the trip because I too busy looking at porn. We went to a strip club at my urging, and I collected escort cards from the strip. On one of the nights, I called the escort and explained we wanted a threesome....but my girlfriend was unaware and in the next room. When the professional showed up at our door, my relationship was over and my realization began. My gf burst into tears and locked herself in the bathroom. After the relationship ended I googled and googled til I found XXXchurch....a Christian-based porn recovery program. I gave this one hell of an effort and failed. I have since gotten married, my wife's aware of my addiction, and I am separated physically from her for work. Only 36 hours ago I followed the advice on yourbrainonporn and installed K9, then changed my password and threw away my temporary email. This computer is essentially porn-free for life. Does that mean Im in the clear? Of course not, but it helps to know it's blocked. Im enrolled in Innergold as well and things are doing better. My goal is to stop masturbating and stop porn use. I want to really connect with my wife and never ever look at porn again. This is my goal, and I know how many times I've made this commitment to myself. The difference now is that I am literally alone. Given my circumstances, I hope I can devote my attention to recovery and the lack of porn-access should be a great deterrent. Thanks for having me on the forum and thanks for reading!