Myself 3.0

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Phoenix121, Jul 22, 2019.

  1. Phoenix121

    Phoenix121 New Member

    Starting off at Day 36

    Start date: June 16th 2019

    I have been trying to quit PMO for almost 5 years now. But no luck. The longest streak I ever did was 60 days and after that I relapsed. What's new this time? I have been reading the book "Whack" and following Jordan peterson videos and books. I screwed up lot of my relationships in the past. Wasted lot of my young days jacking off and now I feel like a total waste. I suffer from PIED and I always back off when I see that a relationship is getting serious. I am a decent looking guy and go on dates but I do get hesitant when things get sexual.

    I dont want to dwell too much into the past. I am 32 years old. All my friends have settled down, have a wife or a girl friend who they are going to get married soon, kids and have bought a house. I am still living a single life, meeting random women on dating websites who themselves don't know what they want or what they are looking for. Life is just going on and on!

    When I relapsed last time, things were not good. I was deeply hurt and was unable to look at my life which I have destroyed myself. I was binging porn for 7 to 8 hours straight which is quite unusual for me. I am experiencing severe flatline this time. I feel dead down there. Feel very tired all the time, feel bored and lifeless. I don't find work interesting or doing anything constructive. I am questioning the purpose of life. But I don't feel suicidal.

    I used to live in a studio earlier but now moved to a shared apartment so that I dont feel lonely. There are lot of people nearby and I keep meeting them for evening walks and talks. I am confident that I am developing a good network here so that I don't feel lonely and empty.

    I have to develop some hobbies and I dont have any! I keep staring at the hobby list on internet but don't find anything interesting.
     
  2. Phoenix121

    Phoenix121 New Member

    Day 46 - Mood 6/10, libido 1/10

    This has been the cleanest reboot so far and have reached the half mark. I have touched day 46 without any cheating! :)
    I am still going through flatline and don't feel anything down there. But I am getting a solid morning wood. At this rate I need to be prepared for 6 months may be?

    I am looking at women at work and on the streets and am getting sexual thoughts but I am not getting any erections during the day. I don't feel afraid to approach women. I feel like I have nothing to lose.

    There are few things that spoil my mood. Like news depresses me, reading news paper and social media. If I stay away from them I am fine. Meditation helps!
    I feel very tired through out the day. Feel pain in my legs if I stand/walk long time. May be some sort of deficiency or is it withdrawal symptoms? Going to gym makes my mood better. If I sit at home and watch TV/netflix, my mood goes down. There is this need to keep myself occupied and happy. Doing things for myself and taking care of myself which I don't do.

    And I feel inadequate at work in terms of how I handle people. Or may be I am seeing things clearly now and it was always my weakness which I never paid attention to.
    I need to learn many things like how to handle crucial conversations with colleagues/friends. I either avoid such conversations or I reply in a passive aggressive way. I have been observing my boss and noticed how good he is with these things. It is a useful skill to cultivate. I do have problem when someone disagrees with my opinion or have difficulty communicating disagreement in a polite manner. I have been reading some books on conflict resolution and communication strategies.

    I am going on dates every week (2 or 3 of them). I just go, have a drink, chat and come back home. These women anyway don't want second dates given the number of people in New York.
    I have started to think dating as a 'one evening' thing. May be this is negative but I don't feel good if I don't go on dates. If I don't I feel worries and depressed that I am single.
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2019
  3. Phoenix121

    Phoenix121 New Member

    Day 53 mood 3/10 libido 3/10

    I am getting morning wood but the rest of the day I'm in flatline. Feeling tired everyday. Going to gym but taking breaks in between as I feel tired. Especially when I wake up in the mornings. I have been following a vegetarian diet from last 2 years and I just lost lot of muscle and don't have energy for gym. Right now I'm going like 2 days a week to gym. Feel weakness in legs in general. Not sure if this is withdrawal symptoms or something else.

    Other than that, I am trying to keep myself engaged in the evenings. Watching some TV and talking to friends over phone or meeting them in person or doing some courses. I made sure that I don't have free time in the evenings. Otherwise it's hard to control the mind.

    I feel like my urges have gone down in general. Even if I see a steamy scene on TV, it is not giving me an urge to do PMO as it used to. But just to be on safe side I fast forward if any triggering material comes on the screen. I still have this habit of googling the actress's name on internet to see more pics if I like her but I have controlled it a lot so far. It'll be nice if I can stop doing this completely as it often leads to PMO.

    Reading news still depresses me. Anything negative is taking my mood down. Am I becoming too sensitive? I sometimes wonder what do I get out of reading newspaper? Most of it is just filled with negative news with emotionally charged material. I just want to stop it completely but I feel like I might be so out of date with what's happening around me.

    Trying to come up with a good morning routine and stick to it. If I can add meditation to my daily routine it would be golden! But I just don't have much time in the morning. I wake up late, get ready in a rush and run to work. And in the evenings, my mind is too noisy to do meditation. I tried listening to some motivational and positive stuff in the morning on my commute. It felt good! Sometimes I feel so down in the mornings that I need some positivity.

    I'll try to do the following next few days -

    1) Try to be more positive by consuming good uplifting material every day(Jordan peterson or some motivational speeches or humor/fiction etc )
    2) Set goals at work and person life (daily, weekly) and work towards it. Right now I feel empty as I don't have any goals. My only goal is to reboot but I guess it doesn't work that way. Work gives you satisfaction and no work/challenge making my life boring!
    3) Meditate daily
    4) Reduce TV usage to 1 hour (This is a huge drain). Better to replace with books. I feel more satisfied doing this
     
    Quanta likes this.

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