my wife may be cheating

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by breath, Nov 14, 2016.

  1. breath

    breath Member

    well the affair may not have been physical...

    but it happened and IS emotional...

    she loves me. we love each other more than ever. sex is great lately too. like break up sex except we aren't breaking up...

    We're looking to going to see a counsellor about helping us maintain an open marriage.. although it wasn't my idea - it's something i've always thought is probably the most natural to the human animal... although all systems - and there are many on earth - are potentially good. I had open relationships earlier in life which did ok but ultimately me or my girlfriends were not realistic open enough....

    now after decades of marriage and life experience - MAYBE it'll work... time to try.... and we know that come what may the marriage/kids and matrimonial home are solid..

    I don't have a problem if y'all wanna spout your gut reactions - i appreciate all of it.

    but i'd especially like to hear from anyone who knows from experience about various open marriages with kids, and a matrimonial home being involved.../?
    Or, about books or expert advice on this specific life choice from those who have professional experiance. We aren't rushing into it as we care deeplt about each other but want to have the courage to do it right - with honesty and consideration for all.


    Thanks,

    Breath.
     
  2. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Hey breath. Please update this thread with your experiences.
     
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Open marriages are just another permutation of sexual addiction, imo. If you need someone or something else to spice up your sex life then you are stuck on the addiction treadmill. As porn addicts this is just not a place we can go, even IF our spouse is for it.
     
    Libertad likes this.
  4. breath

    breath Member

    i'm not a porn addict anymore.. i don't use it anymore...

    not saying i don't fear it- i'm careful not to get caught up in it anymore - but I'm not using it...

    So, do you feel monogamy is the only natural human condition?
     
  5. breath

    breath Member

    we are not young and looking to go frequently with other partners as much as just allow the freedom. We love each other and want to grow old together. We have kids and even if we changed principal partner for intimacy we are committed to the home, and children as a loving couple for life. i'm really into my career - and her into hers as well.
     
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I think it is the most viable set-up for a couple. Nothing is perfect, obviously. You are consenting adults, but what are you consenting to? Your wife has had an emotional affair, at the very least. This means that in her mind you were not worthy of her undivided affection. I know this, because I'm a cheat, myself. I cared much more about myself than my wife. I didn't have the skills to handle my life and so I acted as a child who wants what he wants. I now know that I was not only harming my wife and marriage, but also myself. Sex with someone you don't love, especially at our age, is no different than wanking to P. You may not agree, but I believe this to be true.

    The way I see it is that your wife was going to cheat on you, regardless, and now she will have carte blanche to do just that. You see, her mind-set has not changed from the person who was going behind your back. And, as a former addict, you have been wishing you had something else to taste, because that is the nature of addiction. This means that two unhealthy people will be making a choice that they can not go back on. We change ourselves and then the world changes around us. What you are advocating is to change nothing within yourselves. I predict a lot more hurt feelings and a marriage that is ultimately doomed if you go this route.

    Our first commitment is not to our spouse or to the marriage, but to ourselves. Fucking someone else does not honor this, but rather diminishes us as a man, and furthers the process of emasculation. Of course, this is just my opinion. However, I have had a taste of sex outside marriage...it ain't all it's cracked up to be. What work are you doing on yourself, so as to respect yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually? I still struggle with my demons and I know, without a doubt, that if my wife had suggested to me to be polyamorous that I would have spiraled into many levels of hell. The reason is I would not have addressed the basic issue, which was: why am I so unhappy?
     
  7. breath

    breath Member

    Thanks for that...

    I don't want to pick apart what you said as it was honest...

    I'll just say that pretty much a across the board you're projecting all kinds of stuff that's not true in our situation - which has become very honest. By the way we've agreed that we don't have any reason to rush this evolution if we indeed do move that way.

    I realize that I haven't included a very detailed evolution of our last year - especially the last few months... but we are more in love than ever - no doubt.. I'm not sure I even want to as I feel many will read a few lines- and immediately their blood will boil as it triggers personal challenges to each reader.... and he will then skim most of what I've written and then spout unrelated opposition.

    Are there really no readers who have encountered anything outside of either standard societally driven monagmy - or dishonesty.

    The human animal capable of a lot.

    I'm not into porn, erections are good these days.. maybe I'm not in the right forum...
     
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This could be true. All of the men here are either battling porn or in recovery.

    I wish you and your wife well. I hope it all works out!
     
  9. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    For what it's worth, I reckon that polyamory is a perfectly acceptable alternative to monogamy. Provided it's inspired by a healthy choice to learn and grow, and not because of a 'running away from' something else that feels just to hard to deal with. I prolly don't need to tell you that it's extremely challenging, though. Nor, I suspect, do I need to stress the importance of honest and clear communication, especially in this case as there is a 'primary' relationship that is valued highly - there's risk, is all I'm sayin'.

    I have only experienced polyamory from outside, more or less, in that, the women I was with were committed to primary relationships, I myself being single at the time. It was even slightly challenging for me! One of them... she had this thing where she was... it felt like she wasn't really willing to connect with me, that it was really just physical (perhaps because she reserved the loving stuff for her fella, I suppose). That left me feeling a bit cold. People I know who've tried open relationships often crashed but then, monogamous relationships fail just as often, don't they? Pre-defined boundaries, flexibility, openness, and commitment to the healthy functioning of primary relationship above all else, are probably key.

    I know some folks who make it work, who actually have loving connections (not just sex) with more that one partner. They work hard on themselves and are almost constantly challenged, though. Some of them see the challenge of jealousy and a sense of ownership (that arises within them) as an actual tool for personal or spiritual growth. That's probably a healthy attitude. It's a dangerous game and needs to be treated with respect to that.

    Have you and your partner done any research? There is a book called "The Ethical Slut" that's supposed to be quite enlightening.
     
  10. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    You possibly are on the wrong forum, but I would be very interested to read your story if you're willing to share.
     
  11. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Breath,
    Personally I cannot see how someone who belongs on this forum can enter such an arrangement as you describe. I think that Billy B has spoken sense to anyone who is able to navigate these waters. I saw a presentation six months ago on a much safer proposition and for me that was far, far too hazardous. Before I acknowledged that I had an issue with porn my wife and myself had an in joke which I think was inspired by her reading of The Sweetshop Owner by Graham Swift. We put that to bed abruptly and succinctly when we mutually decided that it was too far down the road you wish to travel for our tastes.
    I began my recovery in a rather hard-line 12 Step Sex Fellowship and they honestly believed that this sort of thing was not to be entertained. The only viable way to obtain sexual relief for them was with your wife. If you were not married then it was full Monk mode for life.

    Breath, All the best for whichever way you choose to take this.

    Grey Heron
     
  12. YellowMinion

    YellowMinion Member

    Breath, check out talkaboutmarriage.com
     

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