my wife may be cheating

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by breath, Nov 14, 2016.

  1. breath

    breath Member

    -I'm not using porn- haven't in a long while.
    -decent erections for a 52 year old guy.
    -maybe i'm paranoid.
    i have been snooping emails them 'meeting up'
    meeting up

    he's ex (from decades ago- we've been married over 15 years).

    She's got a low sex drive-always has - we love each other as parents. she probably had a weird upbringing in regards to sex. always was pretty passive as a sexual spite of the fact that she really went for me in the beginning - but never active or creative in bed.
    i could be worrying over nothing.
    or maybe she's cheating and is just bored...
    she said something about him in hoonesty almost 2 decades ago to the effect that she'll always have a thing for him - can't remember the exact words but it's been in my head..
    got up early to snoop emails.

    trying to hold it together and function
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2017
  2. bak2lyf

    bak2lyf Guest

    Marrying a woman who may have been in a previous long-term relationship, whose already used to the feel of somebody else's penis inside of her, is always a risky proposition, and if she's a divorcee you shouldn't have married her at all. That's one of the reasons men only married virgins back in the days, to avoid this type of BS. And why is she talking to her ex anyway? @Breath, you sound like a real wuss right about now.
    dirtmeister likes this.
  3. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    Breath - she's not having an affair. Unless, of course, you decide to freak out and push her into it.

    She's meeting a guy she has already failed with. I can't imagine her wanting to go back to try and rekindle something that's been dead the best part of two decades, but I can think of her and him talking about their lives since, and their marriages. She will probably tell him what a great guy you are, and how happy she feels now she's been married 15 years.

    A few months back I looked after the children while my wife met up with an ex-boyfriend and the group they hung out with back then. It did feel a bit weird at the time, but I figured that if she was going to have an affair it would be with the new guy at work not some has-been from the past. (I've been communicating with an ex on Facebook; really, we have nothing in common any more.)

    Let it go.

    The thing about porn is that it warps our minds - we instantly think of things in terms of sex, but the real world isn't like that.

    Jealousy is the worst thing. It can eat you up and push her away. So don't go snooping around, 'cos you will never hear anything good.
  4. breath

    breath Member

    Still reading emails.. one email was planning a roof top hotel patio meeting when i was leaving town a day ahead of her with the kids - out of town.... could have been cheating.. or not .. there were emails about it. likely they met. whether it was talking old times only or involved sex - i don't know.

    at some point i'm going to ask. but not right away.. rather i'm going to observe / snoop and reserve judgement. build evidence before dropping any bombs. and if i do it'll be with certainty, and the request to be honest not do the dishonorable act of lying to me, while i miss out on physical love... and in return i'll forgive her and we can amicably co-parent - the most important thing to us both whatever the truth surrounding my suspicions

    and also, i'm trying to be extra kind as a friend and husband in the mean time.. it's how i would prefer to be regardless. she's a great mother to our kids. i'm going to offer physical warmth and sex, so it's there. although i haven't got more than hugs the last week - nothing new... if i knew that she was simply not an amorous person or not a sexual person (which is actually her nature) I'd not take it as personally...

    But, if it turns out to be the fact that she occaisionally has a fling with her ex (from 20 years ago) while being to bored of me=neglecting me- i'll simply demand to be released from our marital bond... I'd still work in tandem in raising the kids and loving each other as spouses.. but i'd turn part of our house into my lockable apartment, and definitely bring home a woman or two or at least be able to enjoy that again.

    gotta be calm, still function in my work, with the kids, but will be doing detective work... if i find i was mistaken / paranoid etc. i'll learn. if my suspicionsare correct... i'll have to be strong in my convictions and most of all get to work building a separate lockable apartment in our house...
    but for now that's ahead of things, and i must keep my shit in order and my spirits healthy, and be able to concentrate on all the things that I need to accomplish daily. feeling pained about it but intent on not wallowing .

    This detective must now sleep......
  5. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Remember: it could all be completely innocent!

    She may just not know how to be open with you about it.

    I wonder if there's a way you can give her an opportunity to come clean without letting her know that you have been snooping?

    All I can say is:

    Jealousy is poison.

    Misdirected jealousy is even more pointless.

    And not knowing will fuck with your head.

    (I think you already know these things).

    At the risk of coming across prescriptive: Take some action, and do it soon!

    Good best of luck man! I feel for ya.

    - Billy B.

  6. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    Breath, just because she didn't tell you doesn't mean she's got something to hide.

    It could be that she figured you'd freak out or be hurt, or perhaps the whole conversation felt too much like asking for permission. (I tell you for a fact - I will go and meet anyone I feel like. I'm a man, I'm an adult, and I make my own decisions. Does that make me a cheater?)

    How come you are able to read her emails if she has something to hide? Wouldn't a guilty person be more careful to log out?

    Unfortunately for you there's no way to bring it up in conversation without admitting you'd been snooping - which, if I was her, would piss me off royally.

    But this is the real trap - the minute you start entertaining the thought that if you split up you'll bring some hotties back to the house, you are fantasising about the collapse of your marriage and will be more inclined to see signs of cheating. It can become self-fulfilling.

    My take on it is if she met him once it's to catch up on the last 20 years; if they are meeting every week then you have cause for concern - and then you should bring it up.
  7. breath

    breath Member

    good points from all - which i appreciate.. not once a week but there was an attempt at 'meeting up'.. for today thth - written on the 12th.. they couldn't schedule i but thought of planning to book when possible. i feel like i'd like to have a better idea before i ask about it.
  8. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Words of wisdom. I concur!
  9. breath

    breath Member

    Thanks for that... I still don't know, and still wonder- I've had quite a bit of time thinking about this / about our marriage / ..I'm less freaked out but still wondering what's really up.

    Even if she has cheated it'd be something to fathom where that comes from...

    It's hard to know what makes her tick.. We are all so different..

    She is a great mother to our kids... That's the most important thing by far.

    She never was very horny / very sexual - some people are not, plus as she is almost 50 character traits that were greatly affected by upbringing have been in place for so long.. She is a rather unsentimental person... and rarely do i get a caress. which I could accept...if I know she doesn't cheat. Cheating would be easier to take if at least I felt loved in terms of physical intamacy.. or at least it's bee framed completely differently.

    So it sure would make me wonder why if she indeed had sex out of the marriage, while rationing out physical contact to me in the rarest intervals.

    I am committed to her for life through our children and that is with gratitude... But for me to be turning down advances from other women while i'm sex starved and she looks outside the marriage (even if it's very rarely) would make me want to build a separate apt in our house, and be able to see other woman .. And still provide the financial and domestic and kind of love to her and the kids be friends- basically all the love - except the sexual part.. and Id be able to enjoy some of that with other woman. We also are tied in our work - often earning money on the same freelance jobs. It's all interwoven.. And affairs or not there is a lot to fathom both as far as our deepest unralized feelings and the practical logistical stuff that is so im[portant when raising kids.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I agree with everything Wabi said.

    I cheated on my wife. Guess what? I opened another email account. The fact that your wife is talking to him out in the open makes me seriously doubt she's getting nookie on the side. When spouses are cheating they pull away emotionally. They start finding fault where they didn't before. They get very private at home; usually because they're chatting to that other person online. They get crankier, because, just like with P, anyone asking them something normal feels like an intrusion where the addiction can't be sated.

    Some of what you're saying, to be honest, sounds like you would like her to be cheating so that you can get yourself some different pussy. Not judging, bud. All I can say is that I've done that and it isn't worth it. The pussy is unlikely to be better (in my case it was much, much, worse) and as a sex/P addict it wasn't what I really wanted, anyway. I wanted the fantasy of it, but not the real thing. Porn warped my thinking big time.

    Are you still MO'ing? This creates a real disharmony in the marriage I find.
  11. breath

    breath Member

    I'm not offended by that assertion being put into question -that i may be hoping she's cheating so i can get some pussy. But no I'd rather foster some sexy-ness into out marriage..

    Yes I indeed of course I masturbate . Not using porn at all.. over that shit.
    Every day I am working out trying to look good and appealing. Do kind things for her morning to night actually... This I would do regardless of our status sexually - except for the warm embraces I also give... as she is a great mother to our 4 kids.

    A lot of things you said are great points but I also don't think that all people women are as easy to gauge , what you wrote is a bit of a checklist for average people. People are more varied than what you prescribe to be likely ...

    There are a lot of trips to her hairdresser which is one of the things which make me wonder... could be just a healthy enough pride and related to her public speaking work... or just aging woman's vanity - whoich is nothing bad imo... however. It clearly is not for my benifit.

    But yes. I masturbate. Sex with her is rationed out at LONG intervals about 5 weeks apart... she does not have a strong desire for regular sex - never has.... People are individuals all so different... also,Woman need sex differently than men need it...

    Still wondering about her.. I'm changing from worry and frustration and paranoia... to well.. still wondering what the hell is really in her head.... why so un-affectionate? why so under sexxed (i hate that word - as I dont like putting a quota of what's normal for a woman's sex drive desire for sex).. I do ultimately accept her for who/what she is . But I wonder if A) there is something I can foster in our relationship that would add spark, sex. happiness... and I am using this mystery to build better days together rather than cast a projection of failure.. but B) I also wonder if I am being used - not that she planned it from the beginning ewtc... but that her marriage with me evolved into me as a giver of family support, caregiver to kids. and co-financial supporter - she earns more actually.. but basically we both work hard on making the home environment nurturing for our kids.. But if I do learn that I am being used for those things without being loved intimately while she occaisionally gets with this guy (the ex-guy I suspect is divorced and gets a good variety of pussy). Then i'll have to bail on the intimate part of us being married and raising a family and seek sexual autonomy for sure. If she's not I can only nurture our intimacy unconditionally.. whether it pans out to a little more time in the sack or not...

    I don't want to be chaste in vain.. and undervalued lied to basically.
  12. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    I'm much younger than you and never been married etc. but nonetheless here's my opinion:

    1) I wouldn't confront her about the possible cheating, instead I would be "detective" and try what's really going on. You can use hidden cameras/microphones and even provoke situations where she would meet with him (like you leaving the town etc.). Basically, I'd avoid any wishful thinking and try to get to the truth and in case she's indeed cheating, I would collect the evedince and go for a divorce.

    This is actually crucial point because let's think about this for a minute. What do you expect her to say after you ask "are you cheating on me with this guy?". You could be 99.9% sure that she will say no, rationalize it with "oh, it's nothing romantic/sexual/" and you will be still in square one, not knowing if she cheats or not. Moreover, she'll now be aware that you're suspecting she's cheating so if she does, she will be extra careful which will make it harder for you to catch her.

    2) My mother was kinda attempting to cheat on my father and due to her limited knowledge about technology, it was easily possible to access logs of their chats. Basically, not every person will be good at masking their cheating.

    3) I'm sorry to ask that but... wasn't her low sex-drive a huge red flag early in the relationship? I can't imagine marrying someone if sex was rare and not really wild.

    4) If I were you, if woman cheated on me, it'd be over. One hundred percent over. Look, what kind of a man would it make me if I accepted back a woman who has cheated on me? I'd still love children but wouldn't want to see her again. This is an act you can't rationalize with "she's great mother" (oh, except she's unfaithful), "she's a good person" etc.

    Is it possible that you're no longer challenging for her due to those things? Like, um, the first thing should make her more attracted - you work out, you're better looking so competition from other women should "wake up" her desire. But the second part of this quote sounds like your typical white knight/nice guy syndrome. Does she return the favour?

    I've also noticed this pattern in my relations with women - why in all other areas of life we know how motivation works but here we tend to reward them for... good question, for what? If you think about it, the proper motivation is a motivation of stick and a carrot. You reward for good behaviour, punish for bad. And here she denies you sex (!) and you reward her. It's like rewarding a child for not going to school or increasing salary of a worker who has zero motivation to work.
  13. breath

    breath Member

    treat her well is not a reward for denying sex... actually she isn't denying me sex as much as she's not offering it - not a sexual person. but is loving mother to the kids. so that I REWARD...
  14. breath

    breath Member

    Had sex with wife as a nice schedule opportunity opened up. She was passive- as usual, but it was nice for me physically and fous bonding... i was able to go for a while but she didn't want any variations just missionary... almost that Victorian thing of 'letting me do it..

    She's passive pretty much. I'm still trying to be kind and court her and appreciate her for all the great things... as she is, maybe she'll change/open upo one day, maybe not. Maybe she cheated , maybe not.. dunno, and I still want to find out, but am not going to let my mind get poisoned with suspicion and I'm trying to be amicable and loving and ask for sex, and see how often she's into it
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Sounds like good things are happening. :)
  16. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Lack of trust is what kills most relationships, breath. And most relationships eventually fall by the wayside simply because both partners have no clue as to how to build trust in their relationship when one/both partners sense a lack of trust with the other person (or within themselves). Instead of being open and up front with how one is really feeling/thinking, the typical route is to fall into patterns of behavior that reflect a lack of trust. And this becomes a perfect catch-22 that creates the very thing that the partners don't want, which is even a greater sense of lack of trust, and eventually an end to the relationship.

    Rather than snooping, worrying, and otherwise hiding behind the scenes wondering what may or may not be happening with your wife, you may want to consider having a conversation with her letting her know what you are thinking, feeling, and doing. Just put your cards on the table - without requiring her to do the same. As in the game of poker, the process unfolds with new information each time a card is put on the table. And each card laid out on the table face up gives just enough information for the other person to play their next card, and eventually arrive at the right conclusion.

    If you don't feel capable enough to do this one on one with her, consider finding a marriage counselor to help facilitate this conversation/process.

    This kind of a conversation is a prerequisite for having real emotional intimacy in a relationship. As in "In To Me I See" :)

    Not easy at the beginning, that's for sure. The flip side is that you don't start somewhere, it will never happen.

    Good luck!
  17. breath

    breath Member

    Months ago i brought it up and she admitted to visiting her ex but said it was only to talk and have some food nothing more... and that she didn't tell me because she didn't want to make me jealous. She said that not telling was wrong.

    Lately our relationship has been rekindled... some good sex... - although i wondered if it was in compensation for her guilt, but also i'm naturally a bit paranoid sometimes anyway.. still don't know for sure - maybe never will.

    I could believe that possibly nothing sexual happened. I could also imagine that she did have sex once or twice but has decided not to give in to desire for her ex (she admits to being attracted still- and i think it's crazy not to be allowed to have attractions).

    Life is long as they say. I want to make the most out of this life, marriage, and have gotten in great shape, and do try to 'court her'. Rather than resent her low sex drive and naturally not so frisky demeanour, I try to initiate affection and sex, and good communication.. I used to resent her not initiating sex but now realizing that even though I seem to be the one usually to initiate it she still does enjoy it. It is called 'making love' for a reason.

    I still worry that she may have had sex with her (long time ago) ex, and likely has still a suppressed desire to do so. I worry that she is still with me out of love, marriage, kids and desire to not leave stability and because she feels cheating is wrong...

    I also worry about him being better looking, better hung, or whatever etc... but also realize that I can only be the best me and that, I need to forget about that and bethe greatest version of myself. in return I expect her to be honest. I'll try to stop being paranoid, and will put forth intense love her way, but only if I get the loveI deserve in return.
  18. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Reading your post all seems good and you can be grateful. Your wife is connecting with you. You have stated she is a great mother.

    Do not worry about this "man in your head" focus on "the man in the mirror"... seems like you are doing well sir.
  19. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Breath, Reading your thread I have cast parts of my story into yours, thanks for bringing it up bud it really helps me to get perspective. I hope that it all works out for you both. One thing that is clear to me is that worrying with no real evidence is a distraction from the real work. Equally I know that should I find out that my wife were cheating on me there is a huge ball of energy that would pour forth against her.
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2017
  20. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    Breath, I'm really pleased to see you back. (Of course, now you are going to tell me that you've not been away, that I've just been looking for you in the wrong places.)

    I know I said it before, but I really don't think someone with a low sex drive would have cheated on you, and not with an ex - there's no spark with someone you've already failed with.

    From your post it looks like you are torturing yourself and, at the same time, projecting a lot of your own feelings onto your wife. The line "Still with me out of love, marriage, kids and desire to not leave stability. . ." sounds like a description of you. I'm not saying it's a bad thing (it perfectly describes my own domestic situation, for one!), just don't start using stuff like that to beat yourself up.

    I'm only saying this because I did it to myself for years. I managed to be jealous of my wife's pre-marriage sexual past, that she was more successful with men than I was with women. It came from my own low self-esteem, and if fueled the addiction. I'm hopeless with women I may as well watch porn. . . but really, using porn was nothing to do with women, it was where I went to hide from myself. And the worse I made myself feel, the more I wanted to hide, and so it went.

    I hope this reads like me asking questions more than trashing you. I'm not that guy. I'm actually please you are your wife are improving things.

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