My way to Liberty

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Libertad, Oct 22, 2013.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Having said the above, I also realize that listening to others can be hard when we ourselves have not been listened to. Every man here has had a childhood and adulthood where there was no one to hear our hearts. However, through our struggles we can gain empathy, even while we pursue our own journey with rigor.
     
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  2. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Great point. Thanks. Haven´t thought about that, I was surprised about myself how uncompassionate I could be to others in certain situations over the last few weeks when it comes to excuses and complains.
    I believe also that because I played the so called fake nice guy (which is not really nice but behaves like that on the outside from the book NO MORE MR NICE GUY) for so long, once the fog of PMO lifted for a bit, the pendulum has swung full force to the other side in the first energy increase.
    I have to find a balance or better, become my true self. Not sure how to accelerate this process. Impacience is most likely counterproductive, but the point in my life I am today, is still difficult to accept, after I gambled away so many years with PMO. Not complaining, just saying. Just another point to get to grips with.
    Thanks, Saville for your insides. One easily can feel lost when new things come up.

    To all of you guys here, have a great Easter time.
     
    Saville likes this.
  3. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    You, too, broski!
     
  4. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Over the last few weeks I noticed, that I became far less tolerant for my own BS and excuses I told myself when not wanting to do something.
    I read in someone elses Journal (I can´t remember which one) around two months ago, that for him using the expression F... it, is way more motivational than positive quotes. I use it now for weeks and it works better than everything else I used before to motivate myself or to confront my own thoughts, which often were BS to protect my ego, things like, it is not your fault.
    When doubtfull thoughts born out of fear, low selfesteem and out of a mindset of avoidance come up, I tell myself F... it or F... this shit and do it anyways.
    Because what I noticed with the thoughts of temptation when it comes to PMO, if I have a discussion with my own thoughts and argue, I could always come up with reasons and ideas why it would not be such a bad idea to do it again. With this expression of F... it, I take the power back and stop the arguing over something that´s not even worth the time and energy and thoughts I would put into it othervise.
    I like such practical simple stuff which I can put into practice immediately to see if it works for me.
     
    Last edited: May 5, 2022
    wintersturme, Mozenjo and Saville like this.
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I'm a fan of simple things, as well. I'm sometimes tell myself "come on bitch, get it done!" :D It doesn't feel negative, either. It's just a mental kick in the butt to tell myself: I can do this! And, the wonderful thing is we all can. :)
     
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  6. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Just a few thoughts and rambling words.
    Why is it going so easy at the moment, with almost no temptation when it comes to PMO?

    I always had problems with accepting myself as long as I can remember, but not only myself, also negative things that happened. It was like as if I did not find or know a way to process them. So I did not want to accept them to not to have to feel them and bring myself in danger which in reality was my ego who felt threatened and felt the need to protect itself, I thought the solution would be to hide inside the comfort zone. At least thats how I see it from todays point of view looking back.
    It was as if I became more and more thirsty for good feelings and resistand and opposed to bad feelings, this made me shrink my comfort zone and made me even more inactive and unable to process the bad ones and so they started to accumulate in the basement of my mind in the form of resentment and anger till it overflew.
    To cope with this overwhelming frustration and feeling of being inadequate, I used P. to numb myself down and to be able to function on the outside while getting more and more angry and sad on the inside.
    Around 1,5 years ago,
    I made an excel sheet and used it to track my diet and one day I started to track my relapses with PMO also, on the same journal as I used for my diet.
    I still hated each relapse and at the end of each month when I added them up, I felt a strong resistance and disgust, that I relapsed so many times that month.
    Seing the results black on white, the number of relapses, there is no hiding or just continue to letting the years pass by while relapsing, something had to give.
    I believe that was one reason why I finally accepted that I was unable to change myself, that I felt helpless and weak when it comes to PMO, because I was confronted with my actions, these were tangibile events in the form of numbers in front of me.

    The conclusion was, even if it was not as clear as now to me back then, that I have to accept that I can´t change myself, I had no more excuses left, I was here on this forum, watched countless videos about the topic, tried to stopp so many times, I had to accept the human I am, even when feeling disgusted about myself and my actions. I basically cornered myself into a position were I could no longer continue the same.
    I believe that coming to a point of acceptance with oneself and the life circumstances, no matter were one stands is the bases.
    For me it was not a decission I consciously made, it was more a growing into it.
    I know that I can relapse today or tomorrow and I am not sure how I would handle it, if I could accept it immediately or would go into a depressed state of mind for a few days. I don´t want to find it out, but I hope that in case it happens, that I would still be able to accept my actions and find a way to process them and the feelings that come up and to continue to stand to myself in acceptance.
    I don´t want to appear as if I made the change, because it was was more a change that happened to me. Difficult to explain. And there is still a lot of things in my life that I hope will change.
    I don´t even think anymore that I can change my actions, let alone myself. It was more like being able to see what is and from there my actions started to change.
    It sounds like a contradiction, taking full responsibility for everything I do but not believing that I can change myself or my actions. I am still searching for the truth and for awareness.
    If I had to give advice to myself after a relapse, it would be to do what is hard and not what is easy. One was to honestly track my relapses and evaluate them and add them up each month and to accept them as decissions I made and not resist their existence, acknowledge them and secondly I have a personal journal on paper were I write down whatever comes up, this is one of the hardest things to do for me, to take the time, overcome the inner resistance and sit down and look myself in the eye. I should do it more.
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2022 at 3:16 PM
  7. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    I get where you are coming from and it is difficult to articulate. You reminded me of one of the steps in Celebrate Recovery, which I attend most Tuesdays. One of the steps states "We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable". I am still unable to quite process how to admit that I am powerless against this stuff yet will still have the ability to live in recovery and establish better coping mechanisms and health over the long term instead of staying stuck in PMO.

    Anyways, after 6 weeks I have experienced a relapse. It's been encouraging that my rebound has been much quicker than earlier in my recovery and I am only more excited to enter another long stage of growth and health. Although I am having urges I have no desire to wallow in more PMO sessions.

    Keep going Libertad!
     
  8. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    @realness
    Thanks.
    I never attended such meetings but I read the 12 steps people with alcohol problems use online.
    The inspiration to admit to myself that I was incapable to stop with PMO came, when I saw all the relapses in black and white on my excel sheet over a few months and looked at my profile here, and saw that I subscribed to this forum back then around eight years ago, then calculated the decades I already was using PMO before even coming to this forum. It hit me, that even after investing so much time, in reading about this topic and watching videos and putting willpower and effort into the goal and the fight to stop with this shit, that I was not able to stop for longer than a few clean streaks of a few months.
    I could no longer hide from myself the fact that I failed in my goal to stop with this shit. The reality hit me. What I am dealing most with at the moment, is my tendency of avoidance of daily life tasks and responsibilities. Thats were I have to push myself.
    In the end I don´t really know what makes the abstaining from PMO so smooth at the moment but I hope it stays that way.
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2022 at 1:24 AM

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