My way to Liberty

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Libertad, Oct 22, 2013.

  1. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I will stopp counting and only start with it again in case of a relapse. I have the date of my last PMO session below my posts in the signature which I will update in case of a relapse.
    Saville likes this.
  2. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Keep up the great streak!
    Libertad likes this.
  3. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Things are going ok.
    Even that it seems like life problems are getting bigger, I don´t want to complain. I am able to see the challenge in them which might be very helpfull for my long term growth, while hopefully overcoming them.

    @Rudolf Geyse Thanks.
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2021
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  4. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    I have been reading through your journal, can identify with your experiences...

    I found the quote below from one of your recent posts a good reminder to help me keep on track, as I still find my brain going down the route of "if only X had not happened I would not have been in this situation"

    "Maturity is when you stop complaining and making excuses, and start making changes.”

    Great clean streak ... Look forward to hearing more updates on your progress and also learning more about what's being effective in your recovery.
    Libertad likes this.
  5. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Nothing new to report at the moment. Staying the course. No PMO, MO or P.
    More and more real life stuff is coming up and I am getting almost overwhelmed with real life problems, but as the quote says, maturity is when you stop complaining and making excuses, and start making changes. To consolidade more my position of a life without the escape drug PMO, I was looking for something in addition to meditation which I do first thing in the morning for half an hour regularly.

    To cope with the stress and anxiety that seemed to get worse at the moment, I found an exercise online I do now every day. Stress was a mayor trigger for me in the past. I am always stressed and tense and I tend to shut down when it becomes too much and in the past I went to PMO and hiding to calm myself down and feel secure because I never knew how to process or calm down this inner tension and anxiety. I found a lot of videos and information about the vagus nerve and the parasympaticus and simpaticus system which can be stuck in the fight or flight position in some cases which causes huge stress and tension and malfunction of body systems. The guy in the video makes it short and simple and the exercise itself takes me around one minute now for both sides till I yawn and it really helps me to calm down. Maybe others will benefit from it also. All the best.
    Saville likes this.
  6. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    The relationship with your father sounds complicated. As others have indicated, he's not going to change.
    You talk a fair bit about 'real life problems'. It's likely this stuff is coming to the surface because previously you've been hiding from it. We have a tendency to fight seeing what's true, because it it's not what we want it to be. But it's important to deal with the bad stuff even if it's uncomfortable. I like what you wrote above about being able to see the challenge in your real life problems - to look at ways of accepting and overcoming. That's how we grow and evolve as people.
    Libertad likes this.
  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hi Libertad, I just wanted to say there is a lot of great value in your journal. Thanks for sharing.
    Libertad likes this.
  8. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    @forlorn Thank you and you are right. Acceptance of what is and what is true, is huge and frees us in many ways, resisting reality is a huge drain away of our energy and motivation.

    Thank you very much.

    Thinking about it, this is the second longest streak without PMO I have since becoming addicted to this shit.
    The last time I went as long, a few years back, it was a constant fight and struggle every day against PMO, like even that I was able to stay away from it for a number of months, it felt like almost the same as if I had done it every few weeks.

    This time, the main fight for me seems to be more like a one to face life and it´s challenges and not let myself slide into avoidance mode, and not so much the fight against PMO. Like I am facing the real struggle, which is life and staying aware and in the moment without escaping into a PMO session (like after the fight with my father a few weeks ago, a shift to using what happened to trying to find a constructive way to deal with it).
    Like as if the enemy I focus on has shifted from PMO, which was a symptome to life and it´s adversity, I know this sounds horrible, to see life as the enemy, but it was for me some kind of enemy. The pressure from the outside, parents, the government, the employer and even I myself, my thoughts, had huge expectations , which I was only able to meet for short time periods but against my inner wants. So to be able to function I used PMO to escape for moments and find some relieve from the pressure of expectations and disapointments.
    Now it seems that I can accept reality a little bit better. Now my view on the expectations from others and myself has changed. I see them no longer as something almighty, unreachable or mean, more like obstacles or things to overcome and reasons to grow my abilities to be able to navigate them in a constructive manner.

    Reading what I wrote, it seems very positive, but I am often very down and depressed, so I don´t want to appear as everything has changed for the positive, I am fighting every day, but not so much against PMO, more against not avoiding life and it´s responsibilities and expectations and pressure.
    To sum it up, even as a child, I always wanted to be free, but looking back, I should have worked on things to become at least more free, instead of escaping into an addiction to flee reality and forget the prisson of society and the prisson of my own thoughts and expectations and frustrations and self hate for a few minutes or hours.

    I am fighting to face life.
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2021 at 3:24 PM
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  9. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    In addition to my previous post:
    In a healthy upbringing, the obstacles of real life grow and get bigger gradualy with the abilities of the child and the stages the growing child goes through. If parents can give the right environment of support and right distance to give the child the room to breath, letting him figure things out, without taking over and doing it for the child because they are impatient or are in competition with the child or want to show him that they can do it better and need the ego boost of being better in certain things even in the comparison with their own child.
    So the child and his abilities can grow without becoming overwhelmed by life.
    I could point out specific incidences, but this does not serve the point, but generaly, I felt incapable of dealing with life from a very young age, I would even say as long as I can remember. Even that it did not appear on the outside to others, on the inside it always felt that way.

    Of course no one has the ideal childhood and we have to figure it out later, how much we became programmed and are not ourselfes in certain aspects. So this is no excuse for anything.

    I am not using it to complain or to have excuses but to become clear about myself and state the facts as I see it now, I got stuck in many ways and so the inner grow in certain aspects was not concruent with the grow of my body.
    The main reason why this went on for so long is, that I saw myself as unable to overcome and grow. Instead of facing life, I escaped into the fantasy world of porn which kept me stuck and prevented an expansion of my comfort zone and growth of my abilities and minset which kept me depressed and misserable.

    All this, the past, is no reason to stay stuck in this way of thinking or expecting a badge of honor for doing normal grown up stuff.
    I am here to face it. No excuses, no complains.
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2021 at 12:53 AM
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  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I hear that trauma can arrest our emotional development, and I agree with you that P short-circuits natural progress in maturity, coping skills and emotional development. The first step is facing up to this, as you are. When you identify these issues you can start to tackle them head on. Stay on this path towards progress. Much strength to you for your journey.
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2021 at 6:35 AM
    Libertad likes this.

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