My way to Liberty

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Libertad, Oct 22, 2013.

  1. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Day 50.
    What seems to help me this time is, that I realized the agenda behind Porn. My main problem over the last decades was almost always the urge to watch porn and than followed by the urge to masturbate to it. Not the other way around, like having the urge to masturbate and than watching porn, that was not the case. Watching porn seems to be an escape from all the negative feelings I have because I avoided life and held onto the past which made me bitter and sarcastic.
    I came about the saying, if the product is free, you are the product. The question was always there in the back of my mind, why is limitless porn out on the internet for free. I mean, the production of it is not free, why would anyone put this videos on redt. and pornh. and all the countless other sites on the net, put it out there for free for everyone to watch?
    The principal method for the porn industry seems to be to draw people in with free content and to then upsell them with niche services or value added products.
    In total, the porn industry is estimated to produce $15 billion in profits per year, which is actually a greater amount than Hollywood, so their methods work very well for them.
    Almost all the main sites are owned by one company, Mindgeek. The owners are from the same tribe as the ones who own and run Hollyweird, the fake media and fake news and even the FED.
    Realizing this gives me even more reason to never want to watch these sites again and no longer be a stupid sheep which is addicted to their products used to destroy society. They did destroy women and the family with feminism, they destroy men and the family with porn and they destroy the children with gender education to take away their identity and make them hatefull with teaching them CRT.
    I hope I will never fall again into this trapp of destruction.
    The first things A.H. did when he came to power was to ban and illegalize by law pornography and interests on money in Germany and the country started to prosper.
    Something to think about.
    But also I wanted to add, that I don´t want to externalize the problem like I did in the past. It was my decission to go to these sites to watch porn for free. There will always be temptations out there, be it whatever it is, and I can not blame the temptations for being out there or the people who put them out there and try to make money of the suckers who fall for them, it is and always was my responsibility to make the healthiest choice for me, my mental and physical health. Otherwise it would be like blaming McDonalds and the shareholders of McDonalds for making money of unhealthy food for my poor decission making for eating their unhealthy food when I have an heart attack.
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2021
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, this is often the way. It's because P has nothing to do with natural desires. Sometimes still, when a temptation arises to watch a little P, I will ask myself "am I actually horny?" The answer is always "no."

    Well, to be honest, all dictators do these kinds of things. Meanwhile, they are indulging themselves in all manner of hedonistic things. I don't think P should be banned, but there should be honest conversations about the harm it does. Our technology, it seems, has outstripped our ability to understand what it's doing to us. When we lived in villages the greedy people were banished. Now, we make them richer by buying shit on Amazon. lol

    Great job getting to 50 days!
  3. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    52 Days.
    “Maturity is when you stop complaining and making excuses, and start making changes.” Roy T. Bennett
    I am actually motivated to make changes in my life now. Small stepps.
    I made a list of things I avoided to do in the last few years, small things, like throwing out stuff that I don´t use any more. Repairs I need to do.
    I dedicated a place on a wall to put a message on the day before for the next day to do. I think about it the day before, if I really will do it, and I only put them on if I am convinced and sure that I will do it the next day, no excuse is valid or counts the next day, to not do it. I did this over the last few days and it gives me confidence that I will do what I said to myself that I will do.
    Too long I lived in a state of avoidence of real life and responsibilities.

    Thats what I do over the last few weeks also. Who am I asking. The little, timid addicted child that only wants to seek pleasure and avoidance of responsibility or a man who wants to build something, who wants to get his life in order and accomplish what gets him forward and expands his comfort zone and helps him to get were he wants to be.
    Sometimes I am unsure, because I ask the question, how do I feel about it. I don´t want to betray my inner self and push my feelings away to get the task done, but when I made the decission the day before and wrote the task that I decided needs to get done down, I will do it now, no matter how I feel the next day because I already put my deadline to do it the day before. And I noticed that I feel good afterwards. Not sure if I express it right, but it seems there are two sources of my feelings and thoughts, the one are the feelings and thoughts of an addict, that wants a easy life full of pleasure, no responsibilities and without a thought about what consequences such a behaviour will have on my life in the long run, and the other source of the feelings and thoughts is a deep knowing what needs to get done for a good life and the life of an adult who takes responsibility for his own life. I am starting to see the difference between the two in the moment. It really helps to know that there are these two sides or sources of my thoughts and feelings in the moment of doing something and to differenciate them, so the decission becomes clearer, which of the two do I want to follow and the consequences it will have on my future life. I saw an interesting video which talks about exactly that and wrote the most important take for me on a piece of paper. Here it is:

    Buffalo run against towards the storm and go trough fast (Problem) Easy short term choices lead to difficult long term consequences, difficult short term choices lead to easy long term consequences. Problems procrastinated on are always amplyfied. We only have two choices when it comes to challenges and problems in life, to feel the pain today or feel it later with interests. (Take the stairs, book by Rory Vaden)

    About banning P, if it really is as addictive and destructive for the brain as drugs like cocaine, like many claim that it is, than maybe it would not be such a bad idea to tread it as illegal drugs when it comes to laws. It would make it much harder to get to it especially for young kids. I read somewhere that a lot of boys get into it from 10 to 12 years old. What a mess. But of course having open conversations about the harm it does, maybe even taught in schools and of course at home by the parents would also be a great start to fight this porn pandemic.
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2021
    Saville likes this.
  4. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    If they are lucky. I got into porn when I was 10 or 11 and that was 1998 or so. Other guys on this forum like fugu or Noach Curch said they were age 8 when they started. Today six year olds are walking around with smartphones and their parents don't care and/or have no idea what they are watching.

    I think an opt-in system would be worth a try. Internet providers would have to filter out porn sites and if you're 18 and want to watch porn, you can call your internet provider to unlock the porn sites. At least it would be way more difficult for kids to access porn.
    realness and Saville like this.
  5. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I agree with making P more difficult to get to especially for kids. I started with this shit at around 18 with pictures and with P online at about 22 or 23 years old when I bought my first computer 1996.
    The damage that it does to the brain, especially when boys start at age 8, like you said, with highspeed internet P can not even be forseen if they stay with it for decades. I saw a video were doctors and scientists watched at brains of addicts with MRT and PET brain scans and showed that big parts of the grey matter is kind of gone, like holes in swiss cheese. What a mess.
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2021
  6. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Btw, I like the second quote in your signature. It helps to not think that all past effort was invane after a relapse. We have to keep at it till we are free.
    -Luke- likes this.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I really like this strategy.

    I also like the title of that book by Rory Vaden, "Take the Stairs." It kind of says it all, doesn't it?
    Libertad likes this.
  8. True Change

    True Change Active Member

    @Libertad Your streak is inspiring me - keep going. What changes have you noticed in the past 50 days?
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Yes, unfortunately I often forget about that myself. I don't remember who said it, but I read that quote hangs in the locker room of the San Antonio Spurs. Sometimes it feels like we don't make any progress, but the progress is there, we just don't see it yet.
    Libertad likes this.
  10. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Day 55
    Sticking with doing what I say. This is such a cool concept for my situation and state of mind.

    I thought about that and I was unsure if I want to write it down here. What I know for sure is, that PMO cost me a lot of energy and sleep deprivation in the past. What I did, since the start of the year, I made an excell sheet for my diet, because I want to avoid carbs and gluten and included a column for PMO and put an X in it or even two or three whenever and how often I relapsed that day. So basically I tracked my relapses each day together with my diet. Taking responsibility and accountability without judging yourself too much, seems to help.

    If my further explanation sounds of to you, just take me as crazy and don´t pay attention to what I say.

    First I want to say, maybe I will relapse tomorrow or even today. Maybe my approach is wrong for everyone else, maybe even for me. I don´t know the future.
    I don´t want to even think about the changes at the moment. Why? It puts me in a rollercoaster state of mind, because nothing is static in our lifes. So to claim a change that I notice today in my life and seeing it fade away tomorrow because of some stress at work or an accident or other problems, would leave me with a negative feeling, maybe even lead to depression and to my next relapse. I want to concentrate on the process. Like Marcos Lemonis in his show The Profit says all the time.

    I am not interested in the benefits of not doing PMO at the moment. Maybe this will change. I don´t know.
    I am willing, even if I relapse today, to avoid MO, P, PMO in the future, not because of changes or benefits, but because I know deep within, that it is not why we are here to hide and Fap. Independant of the outcome, I want to stay on the course for my life without too much deviation.
    I thought about the expression, that I myself often used in the past, becoming free of PMO. When using it this way it seens like a level that we can reach and than we are suddenly completely free.

    If I take this thinking into another subject, like a diet or whatever, it becomes clearer that this is not the case. Take drinking coffee or smoking for example, which are also addictive behaviours. If a strong smoker does not smoke for a week, a month or a year or ten years, did he get free from smoking and at which time frame did he get free? In my opinion, he is still only one decission away from smoking his next cigarrete again, even after ten years abstinence.
    Even a person who never smoked is only one decission, one splitt second away from smoking their first cigarrete.
    Of course the longer a person smoked in the past, the harder it is to abstine for a time and the more likely it is that this person may start smoking again. For a person who never smoked, it would be highly unlikely to start smoking in their 60s but it is still a possibility.

    I want to get away from this way of thinking that there is a point that I can reach and than I am free forever from whatever I don´t want to do again.
    My focus will be, as best as I can, on the process. This will help also in case of a relapse to not feel or think that all past effort was invane.
    It is more now about how the ancient sailors used to navigate using Polaris as their reference point. Even if waves, clouds or winds (stress, problems in life, disappointments, illnesses) throw me of the course, it will be the process keeping the eyes on Polaris and steering towards the calculated course that puts me on the right track again. So the goal is not to reach a magical point by abstining long enough from PMO and reaping some benefits that will or may not appear, but the concentration on the process of steering and this may even lead to a better course with less deviations (relapses) from it, but even if I does not get better, I want to stay on course. Lets say I relapsed 15 times a month in the past and I would still relapse the same 15 times in the future, I still want to keep my eyes and attention on the process and follow it.
    The process for me includes only three things at the moment over the last two and a half weeks now. Meditate 30min first thing in the morning, without looking first at my phone or youtube, and doing 6 exercises 30 seconds each every day and doing as best as I can, what I said I will do the day before. This three things I know I can do even after a relapse.
    Maybe I am talking shit, but I wanted to write my thoughts down.
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2021
  11. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    In case you are interested, here is the interview with the author.
  12. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Thats also the reason why I don´t use the counter any more. Because reseting it after a relapse gives the impression to myself that I would start from zero again, which is never the case because we can´t turn back time, we will never be the same even compared to who we were only a few weeks back in time.
    -Luke- and Saville like this.
  13. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Day 60. Grateful that it is going so well this time.
    Had a big fight with my father on Saturday and in the past this would be a reason to use PMO afterwards to distract myself from the feelings of worthlessness, feeling of being belittled and made fun of by my own father, he seems to get energy from it if he gets me riled up and angry. I notice it now, even in the moment it happens but haven´t found a way to stay calm other than stay away from him as far as possible. He pokes and pokes and pokes till I get angry and than he laughs if I stand up for myself and say something. This is one of his habbits which he used on me from childhood. For him it seems like a coping mechanism, because to all other people, even to his own wife, he is a submissive beta male and it seems to make him feel better or elevate him to make me angry and than laugh at me. He is the only one that can make me emotional and angry in a second.
    I am 47, almostt 48, and it still hurts to not be able to build a trustworthy connection with my own father.
    The success for me was, that I did not use PMO afterwars to distract myself from the feeling of inadequacy, uselessness and worthlessness.
    In my head I know that I should get over it, he most likely will never change. He is almost 80 years old.
    It is at me to change things, the way I give his words too much importance. It is probably not even about me but about his need to feel power over another person to cope with his own life choices. Haven´t found a way yet to be myself without getting hurt by my own father. What I am sure is, that PMO is not a constructive way for me to cope with this situation and feelings.
    Saville and Old Tom Bombadil like this.
  14. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Libertad not using PMO after your Dad was so horrible to you is a major success. Congratulations! Its amazing how much influence our parents can have on us even when we are old. Im in my fifties and its almost 20 years since my Dad passed and I still think about bad stuff he said and did when I was a teenager! All best,
    Old Tom
    Libertad likes this.
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're right, he will never change toward you. My mom lived into her 90's and created chaos up until her death. I watched my father-in-law treat my wife like shit and he lived to be almost a hundred. Why do they do it? Well, they never learned good life-skills. They are bitter about what they never got to do and angry that their lives never worked out, and they are also afraid of dying. Because of this fear they go back to what makes them feel alive, if only for a little while. You see, we have used PMO to cope, while they use their anger, bitterness, and fear. They are no worse, nor better, than us. They're just people who happen to be our parents. This is why the only important change is inside ourselves. Well, you know all this and it's awesome that you are staying the course.

    I think the next step for you is to go on a date. :)
    Libertad likes this.
  16. axebattler

    axebattler Active Member Staff Member

  17. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Been catching up on your journey @Libertad and it's really exciting. Although it was really tough for you having a bad interaction with your Dad, I really noticed how much more awareness and healthy coping actions you had going on. Not just by not PMO'ing afterwards, but consciously knowing what was happening and why it was upsetting you so much. That sets you up to process it and deal with it in the long run.
    Rudolf Geyse and Libertad like this.
  18. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Day 72
    Things are going well.

    Saville, you are right. I am not better than my father. I just used other escape routes to cope with the past than him.
    When I wrote the previous post over a week ago, I almost deleted it a day later. I noticed that I fell in the same trap like I often do. I often feel good if I can portray myself as a victim and to react to outside triggers too much instead of becoming more proactive. To be Reactive gives the outside Triggers, be it a person or something that happens to us from given circumstances the power, being proactive leaves ourselfes in the driver seat.
    Still not so sure what the proactive way would look like in the case of my father, but one way could be, to go into every interaction with him with the conscioussness that what he says or does to me, does not define who I am or what I am worth. Easier said than done, but that could be a way I can work on.
    The other thing about the temptation of portraying myself as a vicitm, I think it comes from the wish to be close to my father, the less I stood up for myself, the less I showed my talents, the closer I was to my father, the moment I stood up for myself or was proud of myself because of something I was good at or I accomplished, the more he tried to shut me down like he felt treatened by me. So in order to get close to him, I conditioned myself to be or at least appear on the outside more like a victim. Fascinating how our childhood experiences shaped and conditioned us and keep us traped as long as we react blindly and unconscious to the programing and triggers.

    Thanks for the link. Yes, I already tried to use this method in the past, to appear on the outside like nothing affects me, but people seem to be able to sense if one gets riled up, even if it is only on the inside. And it eats me from the inside, if I don´t stand up for myself and let everything just happen. I will keep the interaction to a minimum and try to prepare myself each time with the conscious decission that whatever he says, does not define me.

    @Old Tom Bombadil
    Thanks for your encouraging words and for taking the time.
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2021
    Saville likes this.
  19. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Day 99 with no PMO, MO or P and I am very grateful for it.

    Apart from the problems of every day life, I am battling with myself about regrets, lost opportunities and recentments. I would say awareness is the key for me to not go too deep down this rabbit hole. I have to remember myself often, that it is not what happened in the past or the actions of people, it is my reaction to it, that determines the outcome and the quality of my life.
    I made a lot of mistakes and the biggest one was probably that I reduced my comfort zone and for years did nothing with my life out of fear of failing and embarrassing myself in front of others and myself.

    The following video shows exactly what I went through when it comes to changes, in short, I had to stand up and fight and no longer run away from my past and my problems and drauma. It is about diet but could be applied to all desired changes. The female interviewer shows a bit of skin so if this is a trigger for someone, than don´t watch the video and maybe only listen to it. All the best for you all here. Have a great weekend.
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2021
    Saville likes this.
  20. jumptime

    jumptime New Member

    Tomorrow we’re gonna have to celebrate your 100

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