My way to Liberty

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Libertad, Oct 22, 2013.

  1. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Thanks.
    I just watched a Video from Gabe Dawg were he stated that the further away we get from ourselfs, the closer we get to PMO and a relapse. This hit home to me. Thats also what I meant with to become more Aware about what gives us energy when we persue something. The Energy from within can be a kind of Compass out of what reasons we persue something. One of the personal Goals is to be more Aware to what gives me Energy and try to implement it as best as I can in my life. Of Course we have responsibilities, but I am starting with the small Things. I am getting honest to myself and others, at least in the Moments when I am aware of it. A few of my Goals when I was Young was not to have a boss, of Course Clients can be almost as demanding as a boss;). To be able to plan my day and time working myself and to live in the countryside, I like nature and the outdoors, I like animals. These are a few of the Goals I had, and I am working on it.
    I am Looking for Things I can do Right now.
    This may seem stupid to others here, but an example for a small step I made a few weeks ago, is: Where I live at the Moment, I am not allowed to have animals, I am renting. Someone told me that an old rich Lady near by is Looking for someone to walk her dog ones a week for an hour and what she wants to pay for it. I have one day in the week were I already go in the afternoon to an psychologist, so I said to her if I could walk the dog this day at a specific hour I would do it. And that is what I am doing for a few weeks now, After my apointment with the psychologist, I go for an hour with her dog, sometimes I go even longer when the weather is nice because I like it, and she Pays me for it. This is something very small, but it gives me Energy, if not I would have cancelled it already, but I use this hour to think through the Things I talked with the psychologist, I am in nature, I like the dog, he makes me happier, I come in contact with other People who walk their dogs also, I even earn a Little bid of Money with it for something I would do any way, like taking a walk in nature. This is one example even it is very small.
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2019
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  2. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Yes it is and I find the guy inspirational, he does what he loves and has fun with it. That is more than a lot of People do in their lifes.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  3. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Interesting thought about beeing stuck on the thought what discipline is. Will smoke over it and hope to find the needle to give it a strong bump.:) Nice analogy btw.
    I can definitly relate on beeing stuck on the Version that life sucks. Like someone said, I think it was Bobby in your Journal, that with PMO we tend to see all things through a negative lense.
     
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  4. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Another sentence from a Video of Gabe Dawg:

    To master PMO we have to become willing to sacrifice everything we are today for what we want to become.
     
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  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, their must be a revolution. A tearing down of the old model. Neuroplacticity makes this possible! :)
     
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  6. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Hey there Libertad.
    What a wonderful and positive idea you had!
    Healthful to the body and mind.
    You have taken a big step my friend.
     
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  7. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Thanks.
    Had havy urges yesterday. Was near to open a P. site. In the last Moment I was able to think, if I continue with PMO I will never have the strengh to persue my Goals. I will end up in this depressed weak state of mind and Body I am in so often when doing PMO. This thought was really frightening to me. I know that beeing gratefull is a good thing to be and I am gratefull with what I have, but I am not happy at all with what I became PMOing for around 25 years now. In that Moment yesterday it was totally clear to me that if I continue to PMO I will never be able to look back and be proud of myself. A lot of Things I notice now more and more have Nothing to do with what I truly want. I noticed something positive also, that I feel less frightened to persue what I really want and try to care less what others think About it. I grew up caring so much what others thought, I was so frightened to make a mistake and get embaresed in front of others, I never spoke up for myself. This has already changed a bid in the last years, but there is still a lot of room for improvement without getting to much or narcisistic. The dog Walking is such a Thing, before I would be far to ashamed to do something like that, to afraid what others would think. Small steps what ever I can do Right now. For example Right now I sit with my Laptop and in shorts without a Shirt in the sun on my balcony and try not to care what my neighbours think.:) I know this may seem Nothing to others here, but from the mental Point I come from, this are the small steps I feel I need to take. I was not able to take theses steps and test my boundaries in my youth, I was too timid and introverted to Risk the critisism of others. One of the Basic steps for me to be able to grow up now in this parts of my life is to stop PMO or I will fall back and will not be able to expand my comfort Zone and boundaries. I am patting myself on the back Right now, I know. This is another boundery I am pushing with it.;)
     
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Nice:) You should be proud of this and keep a good image in your mind of this moment. Positive reinforcement. Keep doing this over and over! Thanks for sharing.
     
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  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Patting yourself on the back is actually very important. I'm impressed with the steps you are taking, Lib. :)
     
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  10. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Outstanding. So proud of you sir!
     
  11. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Day 16
    Thank you guys for all the encouragement. Really kind of you all.
    At the Moment, in the case of urges, I am using the frightening beliefe that if I continue to PMO my life will never Change for the better and that I will be stuck were I am now forever. This Imagination frightens me so much, that I was able to stay sober and not give in, in the difficult Moments over the last few days. I want to accomplish a few Things and if I continue with PMO I am almost certain that I will not be able to do that. It is like using the worst case Scenario to motivate myself for now.
     
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  12. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I f...… up the 17.04.2019 again. So I am at one week at the moment. I was about to watch porn yesterday again, but my Internet Connection was not working, something that normaly never happens and so I was able to stay sobber because of that. I am not proud of myself. This seems so stupid. A grown up man, at least physically grown up, needs a drug like PMO to deal with life or escape his life and feelings with PMO. And I havent even something really painfull in my life, a lot of things are going well. And never the less I decided to do PMO a week ago. I dont understand myself.
    I am not sad, only confused about myself and my intentions. The western Society I live in has a lot of programms to help with depression and all that, but I myself seem not to want to come out of this cycle of doom. Do I want to feel sorry about myself? So many things dont make sence. The content of the bottle of advocaat seems not to help with the mental clarity also. ;)
    Will be back tomorrow after a good night sleep. Take care you all. I know it is embarrassing.
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2019
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I didn't read anything that was embarrassing. You are fighting a good fight. I think you need to step out though and find a real person. This will help change the pattern.
     
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  14. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Hey, I'm not a psychiatrist, but I've spent a day a week with one for the last year. That should probably disqualify the following, but you reached a week! Hitting goals or subconscious goals can often trigger my self-critic and depression. Big deal, a week. You're a loser, I'd tell myself. The same goes for near misses as you experienced the other day. I too would beat myself up for wanting to use P, even though I didn't. If the Internet was working, I would have used. I am the worst. The way I see it, the addiction fights back the more you take control and work. The key part to what your wrote above @Libertad is that you were "able to stay sobber." That's amazing. That's the goal we're all working on. You did it! Instead, our addiction wants us to focus on things that make us feel bad, so we will again reach for PMO.

    As @Saville said, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Let go of those thoughts because it's all about keeping you down and getting you back to PMO. The addictive brain fights dirty. You're doing great!
     
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  15. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Hi Libertad. How are you doing now? :)
     
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yeah, what's up, Lib?
     
  17. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    @titan_transcendence and @Saville thanks for asking. I am at day 12 today and my mood changes between, it is going ok and totally depressed.
    From the beginning of the month I also started a Zero (under 20g/day) Carb Keto style Eating. Maybe this plays into the mood thing too a bit till my Body becomes more adapted to it. I am doing it mainly because of my back, hip and knee pain to see if it helps with the inflamation.
    I try not to be too hard on myself when thinking about all my relapses. Beating myself up for the past to motivate myself for the future never worked in the past. I came to an agreemant with myself which I hopefully will be able to honor to not make a big deal out of a relapse in case I give in again, and imediately hopp on the waggon again. I am determined to build myself a live worth living, thats my main goal. It would be nice and the best to never PMO again, but in case it happens my world will hopefully not colapse again because of the relapse. I need to have a bigger goal in live than the not to relapse one. In the end my talk is only talk and theory as long as it is not going into motion and action. Small Actions and changes each day and whenever possible. My motivation is still very low, the Thing holding me back is myself. I think from my experience there is no Point for me to think to much About and why my Motivation is so low as Long as I dont stay away from PMO for a few months because we all know that PMO is a uge factor in sucking our energy and motivation out of us as Long as we do it. No more excuses, it were not the cravings or urges, it was me who decided each time to do it.
    I still enjoy the walks with the dog very much and also I started to walk alone in nature very early in the morning at 5 am when almost no one is around.
    Have a nice Sunday you all.
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2019
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Indeed, otherwise you'll walk up against the 'now what?' barrier. I think that is also why it is so difficult to get back on the wagon after a relapse after a long streak. You will think 'OK I can do it again, but then what?'. It's just another void.

    Btw, how can you function on just 20g of food a day? :eek:


    Now that is being realistic. Trying to change all at once never works.
     
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  19. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Maybe I expresed it wrong, my english is not at 100%. What I meant is, that I eat Protein and fat as much as I want and try to keep the carbohydrates at a Minimum of under 20g/day to get into the ketonic state. No processed Foods, no wheat, no sugar, no grains. Dr. Darren Schmidt has a few good videos about this way of eating. I was vegan for 4,5years but it did not help with my Health issues besides from loosing weight. Now I try this way of Eating. :confused: It is a 180 compared to my vegan time. Lots of animal Protein and fat. I relapsed with Eating this way a few times over the last few months also. The cravings to chocolate, sweets and bread can be very strong.
     
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    So true!

    This is great!
     
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