Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Libertad, Oct 22, 2013.
Hey there Libertad good to hear from you!
Gabe talks about "having a poor reward system." Right? I'm sad so I better PMO. I'm happy so I better PMO. I'm anxious so I need to watch fake people having fake sex. I'm depressed, so I better whack one off. Yeah, that is a definitely a shitty reward system.
He says that his videos for some people are just entertainment. They watch them, but they don't follow the message. They stay stuck as "the weakest version of themselves." Self-help books are the same, which is what I mentioned in my own journal a few times. I used to love reading these books, but they did not change me in any way, shape, or form. One book didn't work, well onto the next one. If one therapist/counselor doesn't work...on to the next.
If we were a 1000 piece puzzle how would we put ourselves together? One piece at a time. Over time, we would begin to take shape and our efforts would begin to show who we really are. But, we must pick up that first puzzle piece. With work anyone can put a puzzle together. With work, anyone can put their life back together too.
On my drive home I was Hearing the audiobook from No more Mr. Nice Guy and it was the part were he mentioned that nice guys have to learn, no matter the age they are, to be themselfes.. We are so in our heads and disconnected from ourselfs. I will give Meditation another go and start small with 20 minutes a day. One step at the time.
Libertad, try just watching and listening to your breath--- that's it--- still very calming-- start 14 or 15 minutes. Try it---
I can't recommend meditation enough! And as @Bobo said, start with 10 - 15 minutes a day. The benefits come from the regularity and habit of it, not the duration. I found that one of the meditation apps on my phone has really made a difference because I am very unwilling to give up my streak of continuous days and I get a reminder every day about it.
Meditation is not a magic cure but you will slowly find your mind becoming a bit more resilient and be able to more observe your reactions to things.
Good luck and let me know how it works out!
Thanks Bobo and Caoimhín.
Relapsed on Friday the 15 again.
Took the time to write in my privat Journal over the Weekend. There was a lot of sadness and disapointment and embitterment about myself and my lack of progress in many Areas of my life coming up. But I feel very motivated and commited to Keep pushing and jump Right on the waggon again. Found Mel Robbins Five second rule on the Internet, it is like made for me and my habbit of procrastination. I will work with it this week. Also to continue my Meditation practice is key. I´m thinking way to much and doing to Little in the Areas that are really important for me. Thats all.
Meditation has helped me work on my identity issues and finding a way to love myself. I've been doing it on and off for about 2 years and it's still not easy. That's probably why they call it a "practice." I've always liked guided meditations. There's some great ones on the Insight Timer app that I use to explore my emotions.
At the same time, I said meditation is difficult because I fight it. I don't want to explore the pain and depression. This is another reason why self-help books, therapists, and other inspirations can fail us, I believe. It's not that we're stubborn about change, alone. Change requires facing some of the pain in the past. My childhood memories of wanting my parents to say they love me, but never hearing it. That's hurtful to type now, even though I'm trying to be in a rational state as I share. So even though I tell myself to meditate each morning, I find myself making excuses and sometimes pushing it back until the evening.
Still, spending that time with myself, with my emotions has probably got me further than anything else I've learned from doctors, groups, and CBT and DBT classes. It's also still very difficult. I've actually recorded some of my own guided meditations as well, in an effort to help myself.
I'd also recommend looking into mindfulness. It's a great eyes open practice to get through urges and negative thoughts, for me. Insight timer has a nice walking mindfulness practice and a driving one that I've listened to more than anything else on the app in 2 years.
As long as you keep it up ! Do-do-do-do it eventually will work out for you! Try just watching your breathing, some say this is not meditation but it is! Mind focus on 1 thing after a while you can move on. You can do it!
There are lots of misconceptions about what meditation is but one thing that really might help you is the idea that "a difficult meditation is a sign that you are doing it right". Thoughts coming up are normal and the only thing you need to do is return to your breath.
Sorry to hear about the reset! Keep on going! I would say that the thing that you have accomplished is reducing the frequency of PMO and that in itself is very important!
So, you stumbled, but you picked yourself up again and refocussed. That's pretty awesome!
You stumble as long as you move on and refocus ----right on Libertad!
Thanks Guys, I had already unblocked the K9 to do PMO but decided to come here first, your Posts gave me enougth Motivation to watch a PMO Motivation Video on Youtube and now I decided that I will not do PMO. Not today and hopefully not tomorrow. I want so bad to be free from this shit. The time is now.
Awesome ! Dude!
Day 2. Relapsed two days ago Tuesday again. I am tired of relapsing. I use every excuse I can to justify for myself to relapse. I could react totally different to the problems in my life. But for what ever fucked up reason I go back to the old habbit of PMO.
It is time for me to stop this and look for a better alternative. How many times I have said that to myself? Countless times. No wonder my self esteem is low. I have disappointed myself in not doing what I said thousands of times. No wonder I am doubtfull of myself. I will grow up and take responsibility for my Actions and reactions. There is no excuse after becoming Aware of the past for doing the wrong thing today, no matter what happened in the past. I have proofed in a few Things in my life that I can reach Goals, but Looking back it were Goals that were often not my real Goals, they where tiring, not coming from an inner Motivation. Often it were Goals Looking for external Validation. Becoming an engeneer for example. This time, with this PMO Thing, it is my Goal to become free and to finally start working and investing in myself and in my real Goals in life will be my Purpose from now on. No excuses any more. In case I relapse again I will take full responsibility for it. We all will die one day, so why not follow what we really want in life? Why I have cared so much what others, especially my parents think?
Mel Robbins said not Long ago in one of her podcasts, look at what gives you Energy. When I was 16 and 17 working on my real Goals, I was full of Energy, I worked the whole day and at night before sleeping I was already planning what I would do the next day. Even with all the heat in a Tropical Country I almost couldnt wait for the next morning to continue on my Projects.
It was later, when I abandoned my Goals and did what my parents and others wanted from me, at around 18 when I became more and more sad and depressed and later got into PMO and Hookers at around 21. There is definitly a Connection in my case, when I lost myself and what I felt was my Purpose in life and what gave me Energy despite that it was havy physical work and my try to Escape real life with PMO.
Of Course these are only the Symptoms. The root goes way deeper. Why did I let myself loose the real Connection to myself and my Goals. I already there had a very low self esteem and a very fragile self. But now, with 45 it is time to connect with my real self, that is the important Thing and the pain can teach me so much. And PMO definitly prevents me from getting there. PMO stands between me and my childhood pain and my Feelings of embitterment.
So it has to go.
On top of my childhood pain there is a lot of embitterment which I accumulated myself because I felt unable to forgive myself for what I lost and not Fighting more for what I knew I felt was right for me at that time and for what others did to me.
The typical nice guy who does not say directly what he wants and is not true to himself.
I will make it simple from now on:
1. Step Meditate to clear my mind and become more connected to my real self as often as I can at least ones a day.
2. Step Be Aware what gives me Energy and if possible implement it more in my life.
3. Step No PMO in case of a relapse read Stepp 3 again.
I had first the no PMO Thing as step 1, but I think step 1 and 2 are needed to create the Basis for step 3 to happen. Step three becomes in this case more a Kind of a side effect when the first two steps are implemented correctly. No PMO should not be the Primary Goal, we as humans are allways pleasure seeking, in the short or Long run. So if I can follow what I said, than Meditation will allow me more and more to live in the Moment, and combined with step two, to feel connected with myself and experience more and more pleasure and make me stronger to feel the pain of daily life and let it go like the pleasure in the Moment in real life. This will take away my biggest reasons to do PMO. So theoretically my urges to escape reality will diminish.
I notice that I am again too much in my head and thinking to much. LOL
More simple, doing whatever is in front of me with awareness and slow. Be in the Moment as best as I can.
You've done some great things in your life, Lib. Becoming an engineer is no small accomplishment. But, you're right, when we don't do the things that give us energy then it all feels rather meh. When I began the no-PMO journey I didn't know what I liked anymore. I didn't know what gave me passion. So, I decided I would find interest in the small things. I think that can be anything. For me gardening has become a wonderful past time. But, even shining my shoes gives me some small pleasure, I take my time and put a great shine on the leather.
At 45 you are young! Honestly, I wish I could go back 15 years. You have many vital years left and it's exciting to think what a free Libertad would look like!
Oh yeah! Be able to go back 15 years!
I have to see both, the Blessings and the bad stuff and let it go and become more active.
A Quote from Jim Ron in a Video from Gabe Dawg:
"We must all suffer one of two Things,
the pain of discipline or the pain of regret."
Separate names with a comma.