My way to Liberty

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Libertad, Oct 22, 2013.

  1. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I watched a lot of his Videos over the last week, not only on the nice guy Topic from him, and he never mentioned Glover as far as I can tell till now.
    I see it the same way. In reality there are very few families at least in this Country here, where the Father is really the head of the Household and is a real man. This makes it very dificult for us and more so for the younger Generation to have examples how to act and react like a real man.
    I saw an interview from Alfred Herrhausen and I couldnt believe how Deep our official figures today have sunk in comparision to a real man and role model like he was. He calmly answers all the Questions of the interviewer, has a natural autority, you can tell that he answers as honest as he can, tells the truth like he sees it, in a calmly manner without letting himself carry away by the sometimes disrespectful Questions. There is Nothing of a show-off About him, even he was one off the most powerful Managers at his time back in 1989. Sorry if this was too much, I am still carried away by the respect I have for him when I saw that interview. It is such a rare case today to see a real man in Action.
    I agree 100% with you on this. But I have to admit that I still am, a low Energy guy, like Trump called Jeb Bush.:( I Always have to kick myself in the bud to go into Action mode. Like having to convince myself. It is far better than it was, but there is still huge room for improvement.
    Very good way of thinking. I Need to adopt it as good as I can. Thank you so much for taking the time.
    Not very good, felt like shit for the last couple of weeks and didnt do much besides from working. Give me a few more months.:p
    Thank you. I´m already better. It have been a strange couple of weeks lately.
    But I dont feel very worthy of your compliment, to be honest, like four days ago I clicked on a movie with a sex scene on it, my filter seems only working for porn sites, because it allowed me to start the movie and the second the sex scene started I stopped it and closed it. It was a peek of one or two seconds without touching myself and without even get aroused by it because it was to fast. In a strange way it helped me, because I felt so disgusted about myself afterwards, that I now feel even stronger, about my decision to not go back to MO or PMO.
    I have to stay vigilant. The relapse is only a few clicks away when working on the Computer. My Business that I started requires me to spend a lot of time in front of the screen. I was surprised about the temptation I had when I was at this low Point of my mood, because I often have now weeks where I dont even think for a second about MO or PMO.
     
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  2. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Nothing new to report besides that it is going better.
    My mood is a bit better, no more temptations at the Moment. Back to the days where I dont think about P at all. That is a relief. The bad Moments with low mood, low Motivation and urges to P seem to come in waves. It has been now a few times during this streak that all three of this circumstances hit me at the same time and after a few days, normaly under a week, I´m back to normal.
    It is nice to know that, to be prepared and to know that it will pass again. Often when in this low Point in life I am so frustrated and discouraged that I forget that this seems normal for the first one to two years of this process.
    I´m working a lot at the moment and I can already see a bit of the fruits of it. This keeps me motivated and helps me to stay on track.

    Only for my own documentation and to be total transparent for myself and others.
    I will let my counter like it is, even I watched for like two seconds a sex Scene from a movie, as I mentioned in my previous post. I did not touch myself during it and did not MO or PMO during this streak. I had two WD, this was all during this nine months.
    For now I think that my counter is still helping me in some kind of way. When I reach one year I will reevaluate if I will keep it activated.

    Note to myself in case of another low Point with bad mood, low Motivation and urges: Go as slow as you need to. Dont put more pressure onto yourself with expecting too much of personal grow or Progress during this moments. Slow and Steady. If you need a destraction, choose always the one which is less harmfull in the long term. Watching a movie, going for a walk, Eating chocolate or ice cream, take a bath. Treat yourself well. Handle as much as possible without distraction, but not too much. Slow Progress is better than a relapse. Life can be good, deal with it.
     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2018
  3. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Very inspirational Libertad
    Every step is a gain.
     
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  4. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Any step foward is not a step backward. Always foward always.
     
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  5. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    A 6:24min video from Gavin McInnes to keep us motivated. Till now I´m not singing more like he discribed happened to him, but with my voice maybe it is better so. What I started to do, today was the second one, that I write articles for the local newspaper. They already printed one like two weeks ago. Before NoFap I never felt motivated to do something outside of work. Have a nice sunday you all.
     
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2018
    dig deep likes this.
  6. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Gonna have a watch of this guy now you have posted about him -thanks
     
  7. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Things are going well.
    I´m becoming more myself, at least thats how it feels.
    It was and still is hard to do, to stand up for myself and what I believe in, but it gets clearer what is right for me.

    I think the main thing what was holding me back to do it sooner, was the thought of separation from my Family especially my parents. Beeing myself was like abandoning or separating from my own family because I never felt accepted the way I´m and so I was not able to be myself around them. As a child I felt the only way to survive was to play the role I thought they wanted me to be to live with them. That was what I thought from childhood on and also I felt often not liked or loved and even laughed at when I was myself, expresing my ideas. I felt neglected expecially from my Father and thats why I felt often so unworthy and learned very soon to hide my true self to be and feel secure from the mockerey and ignorance. If they still laughed at me when I was playing my fake identity role, beeing the fake me, it hurt less and I felt more secure, because I could say to myself that they laughed at the fake me and not the true me. Like a Twisted psychology. All that kept me in a cycle of sadness, blame and even hate. It hurts very much to find these things out and to see them like they are and having to accept them like they are today and to give up the hope that others will Change. I have to Change and adapt my world view to the one of a grown up man. There is no way of going back into the child mode and hiding from it anymore or numbing myself with PMO. I still distract myself with Things I consider less harmfull to me in the Long term than PMO, like Eating, Sports and Action movies, when Things get too overwhelming. But I still feel in charge when choosing the Level of distraction because I´m only adjusting the level of growth I can handle at that Moment. I use it as a tool.
    To find all this out About the past, About my Family and About myself, it is sad and hard to accept, but also healing. It is a journey, but I think this was and in parts still is a big part or root what was pushing me toward practicing PMO for so long. Not belonging. The pain was real and I did not see another way to deal or better to live with it. The way is to face the reality, and than to deal with it, decide what concequences it has and what to do about it and what is best for me to move on and become more of a man. I have to face the demons of my past and not hide from them or distract myself with PMO or other things. I am happy to have found this site five years ago. Without you all I would not be at this Point especially 40New30 and Saville. I have still a lot of work to do, difficulties to overcome, obstacles to master, but I think I can do it now. Even if I relapse again, I learned so much about myself that it will not undo the growth and what I learned. I have to face the luggage of my past every time I become aware of it and how it affects me today till I learned what I have to learn and be able to let it go.
    Till next time and thanks for reading my rambling. It helps sometimes to write it down even it may not be of value to others, but to get clearer about my own thoughts.
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2018
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  8. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Relapsed yesterday and today 23.09.2018 after ~310 days. Will look later into why, and how I can prepare myself better to prevent this in the future. Not really sure how I feel about it, it does not feel like a defeat, more like one step back after a marathon. Kind of relieved. Not sure what this means. I hope I can avoid binging for weeks and that I can just go back to continue to build my life without PMO. Besides the relapse life is getting better. Work is ok and I started to make planes for the future, also with Dating.
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2018
  9. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Libertad, I look at you and feel proud. I see a fighter who let a punch slip in. Keep going sir. You are an inspiration
     
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  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Sup, bro'? Drop a line to us on the forum.
     
  11. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Thx----- 310 days----YOU DID IT YOU ARE FREE YOU JUST stumbled so what ? Hey let us know how you are.
     
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I see you've updated your counter to 16 days. Of course, you have those 300 + days of healing in the bank, as well. We never start back from point zero, which is awesome!
     
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  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Today is the day! :) Lay some of your thoughts and struggles on us, Lib.
     
  14. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Hey Libertad, as one of the few I remember from back at the beginning of my journey, and also one who slipped after a couple of years, we've accomplished a lot. I was also strangely calm about my relapse but still understood that I needed to get back on the wagon and be a lot more structured with my recovery... so I am back here.

    Hope all is well!
     
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  15. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Wassup Lib ?
     
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    What? You think we're forgetting about you! :cool:
     
  17. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Haha, nice one;). Thanks for not giving up on me.
    Also to Bobo and Boxer17, and Caoimhín even the reason you are back Caoimhín is because, well you know why. I´m glad you are back and I remember your Posts back in the old days :)very well, they have been an Inspiration for me.

    Even that I am very late with this, a nice happy new year to all of you comrades in the same battle.

    About myself, I relapsed a lot over the last few months. I wanted to be at least a month clean before coming here again, to be more Level haded, and not full of selfpity. This is often my route when I relapse that I go into this self pity victim mentality and go deeper and deeper into the hole of Depression. But after the relapse last year there was no clean month for me. On the outside I changed a few Things, had a few successes, but on the inside I havent changed a lot. I wanted to meditate every day because I know that it helps me, but the longest was around Five days in a row where I meditated every day for half an Hour. If I am honest, I cant find good excuses for my lazyness.:cool: I tried different Things, read a few books on how to Change, but I seem very stubborn and reluctant inside to really Change. It seems I Sabotage myself when it Comes to really Change something, like something prevents it unconsciously. Like I want to be misserable unconsciously even consciously I wish and would like to be different.

    Here is an inspirational Video from Gabe I watched this morning and which gave me the Motivation I needed to post here after my latest relapse yesterday.

    A nice Weekend to you all.
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2019
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  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You are the prodigal son returned. :) So glad to have you back, my friend!
     
  19. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Good to hear from you again, Libertad. Missed your insights. Its great you're back to share this battle with us. :)
     
  20. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    @Libertad A couple of things that really helped with my meditation habit, was to make a few small changes that eliminated the barriers (and excuses) to actually doing the practice. One was I shortened the time to 15 minutes. This is something that is so easy to do, 15 minutes... every day... no problem. The other thing that I did was to change the times of day to when I was more alert and less likely to become drowsy. This means either first thing in the morning or very early evening, around supper time. Prior to that, I was attempting to meditate for 30 minutes just before bed and it became a really difficult thing.

    Now that I have been really consistant with the 15 minutes, I have upped it to 30 minutes and find it quite easy to fit into my routine. Maybe there are small changes you could make too?
     
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