My way to Liberty

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Libertad, Oct 22, 2013.

  1. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Relapsed yesterday and today 23.09.2018 after ~310 days. Will look later into why, and how I can prepare myself better to prevent this in the future. Not really sure how I feel about it, it does not feel like a defeat, more like one step back after a marathon. Kind of relieved. Not sure what this means. I hope I can avoid binging for weeks and that I can just go back to continue to build my life without PMO. Besides the relapse life is getting better. Work is ok and I started to make planes for the future, also with Dating.
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2018
  2. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Libertad, I look at you and feel proud. I see a fighter who let a punch slip in. Keep going sir. You are an inspiration
     
    Libertad likes this.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Sup, bro'? Drop a line to us on the forum.
     
  4. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Thx----- 310 days----YOU DID IT YOU ARE FREE YOU JUST stumbled so what ? Hey let us know how you are.
     
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I see you've updated your counter to 16 days. Of course, you have those 300 + days of healing in the bank, as well. We never start back from point zero, which is awesome!
     
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  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Today is the day! :) Lay some of your thoughts and struggles on us, Lib.
     
  7. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Hey Libertad, as one of the few I remember from back at the beginning of my journey, and also one who slipped after a couple of years, we've accomplished a lot. I was also strangely calm about my relapse but still understood that I needed to get back on the wagon and be a lot more structured with my recovery... so I am back here.

    Hope all is well!
     
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  8. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Wassup Lib ?
     
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    What? You think we're forgetting about you! :cool:
     
  10. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Haha, nice one;). Thanks for not giving up on me.
    Also to Bobo and Boxer17, and Caoimhín even the reason you are back Caoimhín is because, well you know why. I´m glad you are back and I remember your Posts back in the old days :)very well, they have been an Inspiration for me.

    Even that I am very late with this, a nice happy new year to all of you comrades in the same battle.

    About myself, I relapsed a lot over the last few months. I wanted to be at least a month clean before coming here again, to be more Level haded, and not full of selfpity. This is often my route when I relapse that I go into this self pity victim mentality and go deeper and deeper into the hole of Depression. But after the relapse last year there was no clean month for me. On the outside I changed a few Things, had a few successes, but on the inside I havent changed a lot. I wanted to meditate every day because I know that it helps me, but the longest was around Five days in a row where I meditated every day for half an Hour. If I am honest, I cant find good excuses for my lazyness.:cool: I tried different Things, read a few books on how to Change, but I seem very stubborn and reluctant inside to really Change. It seems I Sabotage myself when it Comes to really Change something, like something prevents it unconsciously. Like I want to be misserable unconsciously even consciously I wish and would like to be different.

    Here is an inspirational Video from Gabe I watched this morning and which gave me the Motivation I needed to post here after my latest relapse yesterday.

    A nice Weekend to you all.
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2019
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  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You are the prodigal son returned. :) So glad to have you back, my friend!
     
  12. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Good to hear from you again, Libertad. Missed your insights. Its great you're back to share this battle with us. :)
     
  13. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    @Libertad A couple of things that really helped with my meditation habit, was to make a few small changes that eliminated the barriers (and excuses) to actually doing the practice. One was I shortened the time to 15 minutes. This is something that is so easy to do, 15 minutes... every day... no problem. The other thing that I did was to change the times of day to when I was more alert and less likely to become drowsy. This means either first thing in the morning or very early evening, around supper time. Prior to that, I was attempting to meditate for 30 minutes just before bed and it became a really difficult thing.

    Now that I have been really consistant with the 15 minutes, I have upped it to 30 minutes and find it quite easy to fit into my routine. Maybe there are small changes you could make too?
     
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  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    "Part of it is you don't have the right understanding. That's a big part of it. Part of it is you are the same person. You have the same value system...you keep trying to see what you can get away with. You can say it's the urge, it's the temptation, it's demons, it's the addiction. It's not me! I don't want to fap! No man, it's fucking you! If you're struggling on No-Fap, then you're the person who WOULD struggle on No-Fap. If you're struggling with extreme urges and relapsing it's because you ARE the person who would struggle with it, because you haven't changed; because you're the same fucking person!"

    That's a great video Lib. I typed out a bit of what he says, above. Gabe lays it out. It's all excuses. If we want to change then we change. Yes, there's a struggle, duh! But, if we keep failing then that's because our value system is exactly the same. Everyone should listen to the above.
     
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    "It's not a one-time choice. If it was a one-time choice we would all be doing No-Fap. It's a daily choice of how you choose to live, who you choose to be. What you choose to focus on, you're perspective, you're attitude, you're energy, you're atmosphere..."

    Wow, more good stuff. :) Every day, as we rise, we must make choices that reflect a desire to live a good life. We don't have to wake up and just throw the coffee pot on and then get on the laptop, like I'm doing now. We are so lucky because we get to choose how we are going to live today. We alone control whether we will change our energy or change the atmosphere that is surrounding us at any given time. If a bum was bothering us at the bus stop we would probably walk away, it wouldn't be a good atmosphere. Well, if our brain is being that bum, why not move away from it, change the scenery? Wow, I find that powerful!
     
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  16. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Hey there Libertad good to hear from you!
     
  17. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Good thoughts
     
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Gabe talks about "having a poor reward system." Right? I'm sad so I better PMO. I'm happy so I better PMO. I'm anxious so I need to watch fake people having fake sex. I'm depressed, so I better whack one off. Yeah, that is a definitely a shitty reward system.

    He says that his videos for some people are just entertainment. They watch them, but they don't follow the message. They stay stuck as "the weakest version of themselves." Self-help books are the same, which is what I mentioned in my own journal a few times. I used to love reading these books, but they did not change me in any way, shape, or form. One book didn't work, well onto the next one. If one therapist/counselor doesn't work...on to the next.

    If we were a 1000 piece puzzle how would we put ourselves together? One piece at a time. Over time, we would begin to take shape and our efforts would begin to show who we really are. But, we must pick up that first puzzle piece. With work anyone can put a puzzle together. With work, anyone can put their life back together too.
     
  19. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Well said!
     
  20. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    On my drive home I was Hearing the audiobook from No more Mr. Nice Guy and it was the part were he mentioned that nice guys have to learn, no matter the age they are, to be themselfes.. We are so in our heads and disconnected from ourselfs. I will give Meditation another go and start small with 20 minutes a day. One step at the time.
     
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