Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Libertad, Oct 22, 2013.
Very inspirational Libertad
Every step is a gain.
Any step foward is not a step backward. Always foward always.
A 6:24min video from Gavin McInnes to keep us motivated. Till now I´m not singing more like he discribed happened to him, but with my voice maybe it is better so. What I started to do, today was the second one, that I write articles for the local newspaper. They already printed one like two weeks ago. Before NoFap I never felt motivated to do something outside of work. Have a nice sunday you all.
Gonna have a watch of this guy now you have posted about him -thanks
Things are going well.
I´m becoming more myself, at least thats how it feels.
It was and still is hard to do, to stand up for myself and what I believe in, but it gets clearer what is right for me.
I think the main thing what was holding me back to do it sooner, was the thought of separation from my Family especially my parents. Beeing myself was like abandoning or separating from my own family because I never felt accepted the way I´m and so I was not able to be myself around them. As a child I felt the only way to survive was to play the role I thought they wanted me to be to live with them. That was what I thought from childhood on and also I felt often not liked or loved and even laughed at when I was myself, expresing my ideas. I felt neglected expecially from my Father and thats why I felt often so unworthy and learned very soon to hide my true self to be and feel secure from the mockerey and ignorance. If they still laughed at me when I was playing my fake identity role, beeing the fake me, it hurt less and I felt more secure, because I could say to myself that they laughed at the fake me and not the true me. Like a Twisted psychology. All that kept me in a cycle of sadness, blame and even hate. It hurts very much to find these things out and to see them like they are and having to accept them like they are today and to give up the hope that others will Change. I have to Change and adapt my world view to the one of a grown up man. There is no way of going back into the child mode and hiding from it anymore or numbing myself with PMO. I still distract myself with Things I consider less harmfull to me in the Long term than PMO, like Eating, Sports and Action movies, when Things get too overwhelming. But I still feel in charge when choosing the Level of distraction because I´m only adjusting the level of growth I can handle at that Moment. I use it as a tool.
To find all this out About the past, About my Family and About myself, it is sad and hard to accept, but also healing. It is a journey, but I think this was and in parts still is a big part or root what was pushing me toward practicing PMO for so long. Not belonging. The pain was real and I did not see another way to deal or better to live with it. The way is to face the reality, and than to deal with it, decide what concequences it has and what to do about it and what is best for me to move on and become more of a man. I have to face the demons of my past and not hide from them or distract myself with PMO or other things. I am happy to have found this site five years ago. Without you all I would not be at this Point especially 40New30 and Saville. I have still a lot of work to do, difficulties to overcome, obstacles to master, but I think I can do it now. Even if I relapse again, I learned so much about myself that it will not undo the growth and what I learned. I have to face the luggage of my past every time I become aware of it and how it affects me today till I learned what I have to learn and be able to let it go.
Till next time and thanks for reading my rambling. It helps sometimes to write it down even it may not be of value to others, but to get clearer about my own thoughts.
Relapsed yesterday and today 23.09.2018 after ~310 days. Will look later into why, and how I can prepare myself better to prevent this in the future. Not really sure how I feel about it, it does not feel like a defeat, more like one step back after a marathon. Kind of relieved. Not sure what this means. I hope I can avoid binging for weeks and that I can just go back to continue to build my life without PMO. Besides the relapse life is getting better. Work is ok and I started to make planes for the future, also with Dating.
Libertad, I look at you and feel proud. I see a fighter who let a punch slip in. Keep going sir. You are an inspiration
Sup, bro'? Drop a line to us on the forum.
Thx----- 310 days----YOU DID IT YOU ARE FREE YOU JUST stumbled so what ? Hey let us know how you are.
I see you've updated your counter to 16 days. Of course, you have those 300 + days of healing in the bank, as well. We never start back from point zero, which is awesome!
Today is the day! Lay some of your thoughts and struggles on us, Lib.
Hey Libertad, as one of the few I remember from back at the beginning of my journey, and also one who slipped after a couple of years, we've accomplished a lot. I was also strangely calm about my relapse but still understood that I needed to get back on the wagon and be a lot more structured with my recovery... so I am back here.
Hope all is well!
Wassup Lib ?
What? You think we're forgetting about you!
Haha, nice one. Thanks for not giving up on me.
Also to Bobo and Boxer17, and Caoimhín even the reason you are back Caoimhín is because, well you know why. I´m glad you are back and I remember your Posts back in the old days very well, they have been an Inspiration for me.
Even that I am very late with this, a nice happy new year to all of you comrades in the same battle.
About myself, I relapsed a lot over the last few months. I wanted to be at least a month clean before coming here again, to be more Level haded, and not full of selfpity. This is often my route when I relapse that I go into this self pity victim mentality and go deeper and deeper into the hole of Depression. But after the relapse last year there was no clean month for me. On the outside I changed a few Things, had a few successes, but on the inside I havent changed a lot. I wanted to meditate every day because I know that it helps me, but the longest was around Five days in a row where I meditated every day for half an Hour. If I am honest, I cant find good excuses for my lazyness. I tried different Things, read a few books on how to Change, but I seem very stubborn and reluctant inside to really Change. It seems I Sabotage myself when it Comes to really Change something, like something prevents it unconsciously. Like I want to be misserable unconsciously even consciously I wish and would like to be different.
Here is an inspirational Video from Gabe I watched this morning and which gave me the Motivation I needed to post here after my latest relapse yesterday.
A nice Weekend to you all.
You are the prodigal son returned. So glad to have you back, my friend!
Good to hear from you again, Libertad. Missed your insights. Its great you're back to share this battle with us.
@Libertad A couple of things that really helped with my meditation habit, was to make a few small changes that eliminated the barriers (and excuses) to actually doing the practice. One was I shortened the time to 15 minutes. This is something that is so easy to do, 15 minutes... every day... no problem. The other thing that I did was to change the times of day to when I was more alert and less likely to become drowsy. This means either first thing in the morning or very early evening, around supper time. Prior to that, I was attempting to meditate for 30 minutes just before bed and it became a really difficult thing.
Now that I have been really consistant with the 15 minutes, I have upped it to 30 minutes and find it quite easy to fit into my routine. Maybe there are small changes you could make too?
"Part of it is you don't have the right understanding. That's a big part of it. Part of it is you are the same person. You have the same value system...you keep trying to see what you can get away with. You can say it's the urge, it's the temptation, it's demons, it's the addiction. It's not me! I don't want to fap! No man, it's fucking you! If you're struggling on No-Fap, then you're the person who WOULD struggle on No-Fap. If you're struggling with extreme urges and relapsing it's because you ARE the person who would struggle with it, because you haven't changed; because you're the same fucking person!"
That's a great video Lib. I typed out a bit of what he says, above. Gabe lays it out. It's all excuses. If we want to change then we change. Yes, there's a struggle, duh! But, if we keep failing then that's because our value system is exactly the same. Everyone should listen to the above.
"It's not a one-time choice. If it was a one-time choice we would all be doing No-Fap. It's a daily choice of how you choose to live, who you choose to be. What you choose to focus on, you're perspective, you're attitude, you're energy, you're atmosphere..."
Wow, more good stuff. Every day, as we rise, we must make choices that reflect a desire to live a good life. We don't have to wake up and just throw the coffee pot on and then get on the laptop, like I'm doing now. We are so lucky because we get to choose how we are going to live today. We alone control whether we will change our energy or change the atmosphere that is surrounding us at any given time. If a bum was bothering us at the bus stop we would probably walk away, it wouldn't be a good atmosphere. Well, if our brain is being that bum, why not move away from it, change the scenery? Wow, I find that powerful!
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