My way to Liberty

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Libertad, Oct 22, 2013.

  1. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Thank you all guys for posting, it is such a good thing to know that there is a community out there of men who know how it feels and what we are going true when we stop avoiding life and pain.
    Even I sometimes feel more like this;):

    How to be so far behind that it feels you are the first.PNG
  2. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    A Quote from @Joshua Shea on Monday the 16.07.2018 in Squires Journal.
    I was getting Angry about it and I felt caught, like he wrote this especially for me and that he could see thru me and noticed the lack of progress I made over the last few weeks.
    My first Impulse was to write back imidiately in Squires Journal to Joshua Shea. And if I hadnt come this far with my recovery I probably would have done it. Now, after seeing what was going on over there, I´m actually quiet happy that I didnt.
    He wrote what I secretly believe about myself. Thats why I was so upset and felt judged.
    I find it very difficult to accept the fact, that ones, recovery is not linear, I felt quiet stuck over the last few weeks, second, that I´m actually miles away from the mindset and circumstances I was in, when I began to fight against my addiction and also from the start of this current streak sobber. I have had two Os during wet dreams over the last eight months, no M or P.
    Why is it so difficult to allow myself to feel ok? Ok with myself and ok with the Progress I made?
    If things continue to go so well as they are now, I can make my small part time Business which I startet a few months ago, at the end of the year as my full time Job because the income is doing ok. It was a lifelong Dream of mine to be selfemployed because I always hated it to be an employee. It felt always like I felt as a kid with my parents, like we dont care what you want or what you feel, the important thing is that the Job gets done. Like totally replaceable. Even they (my employers) where happy with me, I never was. I would never had the guts to persue my own business with that passion if I hadnt stoped to watch P. I´m pretty sure about that. I didnt want to brag, I only wanted to Point out, that in a few Areas of my life I actually made, for my circumstances and mindset, huge Progress, at least for me, for others it may not seem as much.
    But than, why felt I so hit from the Quote from Joshua Shea? I have a huge Problem to see myself in a different Image, not so much as a looser any more. I dont even want to write winner, because it feels so fare away from my selfimage and my mindset. I felt Angry and in a strange way relieved while reading the Quote from him. Relieved because I thought, finally someone validades my own feelings and thought the same, what I was thinking all the time about myself. It is like I dont feel comfortable not beeing a looser any more and I think that I sometimes secretly wish that something might happen that I can go back to my looser comfort Zone.
    It really seems that my old me has to die before I can be comfortable with my new me, a me that does not hide so much, does not fear People or does not feel awkward around them, actually likes to socialize even I´m still in big parts an introvert, has a more positive outlook about the future someone who checkes out potential gf. (There you have it Saville;))
    So in the end, I´m ok with the Quote from Joshua Shea, even I dont see it as very sensitive or helpful to Judge and compare People here about their Progress, it gave me a lot of Food for thoughts even I dont know if he really ment me, but in the end it does not matter. I took it for myself and it helped me to understand myself a bit better.
    I have no real solution yet, in how to prevent beeing so open for self Sabotage and Feeling so uncomfortable when not beeing in the Looser Zone. The Zone of a looser was my comfort Zone over decades even for others it did not seem like that and they thought that I was doing ok, but inside, I felt like a looser from childhood on, so it actually should be no surprise for me, that I feel uncomfortable when I´m actually doing ok in a few areas of my life now, and doing what I really want to do and not what others tell me to do.
    I wish you all a happy week with a lot of Progress in whatever you want to accomplish. :)
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2018
    dig deep, 40New30 and Saville like this.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Well, that's interesting that you felt judged, because I had a moment where I wanted to defend myself too. :) I think what he meant was that people can quit their P habit but never try to do anything else with their lives. I've seen people start eating well, get super fit, but still remain the same dick heads they were before they made those changes. However, with P, I think it's different. When we give up on PMO we really are changing our character. Anyone that I've seen quit P has really had their lives turn around in positive ways. It isn't the only answer to our life's problems, but it's a great place to start. I believe in small changes that happen slowly over time.

    The old voices in our heads are quick to grab onto something that sounds like defeat. The critical voices, put there long ago, will try their best to deflate us. It's so awesome that you saw that and were quick to change the narrative. I'm proud of how you have really stuck to your guns, Libertad. It's also great that you have got a new business started and freaking cool that you're thinking about checking out some girls. Woot! :D
  4. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I never had a wet dream until I started rebooting, I had two as well when I went long periods without O. I think it's highly beneficial!
  5. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I have to make a decision about moving to another place this week, and I nearly relapsed. I was never comfortable in making decisions in my life, always felt insecure. Maybe two things have been coming together, the pressure of making a decision and urges. I thought about it for two days now, how nice it would be to watch a few Clips of P. and all that. Not really sure what is going on and why I was and still am so close to relapse. Strange. A month ago I felt so strong about my decision to never PMO or MO again. Maybe the urges are natural after a few months without O and the thing about the decision making is only a coincidence that it is at the same time in my life.
    I know the concequences of a relapse, but how nice it would be to relapse and binge for a few hours. Forget all. Even there is nothing bad going on or happened in my life over the last few weeks, but Simply to forget myself. Strange. After reading Savilles post in his Journal, I have new determination, but still, the temptation to give in is huge. From a Logical viewpoint it does not make sence to give in, it will suck the life out of me, I would choose Stagnation and stay inside depressed and sad for days or weeks. I would loose the bit of Motivation I have. It is frightening how fast my mood has changed from strong determination to a weak and doubtfull state of mind.
    dig deep likes this.
  6. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    You have done the right thing writting in your journal it will strenghten your resolve not to relapse.
    Libertad likes this.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Libertad, there is something about this exact time that has many of us feeling vulnerable and down. The season, the weather, the political climate, all play a part, I'm sure. However, I believe there are greater forces at work. Even with the rise of leaders that are right wing and sexist ,there is still a huge push to create a politically correct society. For men such as ourselves, who have already faced much uncertainty and defeat, it is hard to remain steadfast against this PC onslaught. We only have to look at how the Gay movement has been hijacked by corporations. It is so subversive. Many people think that they are being rational and good by embracing all this PC bullshit. Society tells us now that all men should be feminists. Plus, we should acknowledge that we are all beasts that want to rape and kill. It isn't good enough that generations of men have died in stupid wars, no, we must also vacuum, and raise babies as though we had milk in our breasts, and make sure our women cum first. When we feel like we can't be our own man then the temptation to just hide and self-medicate is huge.

    Today I still want to fap, as well. I woke up and wanted to fondle myself, to give myself a "break." I have been clean of P for over 2 years, yet I feel like I'm just starting out, because of my urges. But, we are at war! We are stronger than the addict. We've already proven it.

    Proud to call you my brother!
    Mad Dog, Libertad and Boxer17 like this.
  8. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Sorry brother for not writting in your Journal yesterday when you wrote your post about your own urges, but I didnt know how. I wanted to support you, but it felt so fake to write something supportive beeing so close to a relapse myself. Thanks for posting here in my Journal.
    It´s the third day now, that I thought about how nice it would be to watch P. and I could not find the fault why I´m getting more and more attracted to a relapse. It´s like I can almost feel my determination to never PMO and MO again getting weaker and weaker without knowing why.
    Maybe it is really, what you are saying, a accumulation of a lot of things coming together.
    We have a heat wave here this week. Our Country is changing into a shit hole with thiefs, killers with a violent belief of a so called Religion who are exploiting our social system, our politicians are traitors to their own People, a big part of the Population has not taken the red pill and is sleeping, and around us our Society is changing fast. I still can remember the times where we could leave the house or car open during the night, and now we have had the second break in in my small country town this year. I admit that I´m afraid what will happen to this Country in the future without knowing what to do to Change the Course other than what is obvious like to vote. As you can see, I can still be quiet negative. :mad: Of course this could all be counting more as a reason not to PMO and MO and keep my strength and have a clear head. Sorry for wining here, I know everybody has his own problems.

    That is exactly like I feel, like I need a break from all this BS of our Society like I deserve one. Maybe that is why I´m so tempted, the old me connects a break from all for a few Hours still to PMO and MO. It is still conditioned and linked to this old habbit even after eight and a half months away from it.
    An old friend of mine invited me to visit her in Spain, maybe I will go there for a week to clear my head and be near the Ocean for a few days. Of course this is only a distraction on the outside, but maybe this social interaction with a human I trust, is what I need to be able to keep working on myself and not giving in to the temptation of PMO.

    I have had one Long streak free during the Five years I´m a member of this Site and my relapse was after around the same amount of days like 270. It was my longest streak free ever since starting with P and M. Strange that after almost the same amount of days this havy urges and the pressure to take a break, is back.
    Like you said Saville, we are at war.
    The amount of days free are not relevant or give much of security against a relapse. We have to stay vigilant and without this site and the members of it, I would never be able to fight this fight and learn so much about myself and others. Thank you. Others became free of P and M, so we know that it can be done. It sounds like I have to convince myself.:D
    Stay strong Brothers and thank you to you all for beeing part of this community here.
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2018
    Saville and dig deep like this.
  9. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    A good Video which explains why mainly nice guys are atracted to PMO.
  10. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Maybe this helps others too.
    5 Practicall steps to break out of the Nice Guy Mode:
    Saville likes this.
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's interesting what an impact "No More Mr. Nice Guy has had, considering it was written in 2003. The psychologist above is basically just parroting what Robert Glover has already written. I wonder if he gives Glover credit, at all? Anyway, he speaks well and is bang on about the entire psychology behind Nice Guys and P. I think what's missing here, for me anyway, is the lack of recognition of the matriarchal spirit, a spirit that is powerfully interwoven into our society. Patriarchy may rule on the superficial levels, but it is matriarchy which dominates over all.

    Anyway, the key for us is knowing/realizing that staying with the reboot is an action. Every day we must do action that confirm our wellness. When we are tested, like we are now, we must do even more of those small actions. I hear good things coming from you. You are contemplating moving, as well as a holiday. These are both great things. Sitting around thinking, of course, is the enemy.
    Mad Dog and dig deep like this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    No worries, my friend. We write not just to support others, but to support ourselves. I know what you mean about feeling fake. I could do better in many areas of my life, but I don't. So, when I come here and give someone tough love that can also feel like a bit of hypocrisy on my part. However, I've accepted that I'm not perfect. That's why reaching out to others is also reaching out to ourselves. :)

    I haven't asked this in awhile: how's the dating looking? :D
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Oh, and I should say that your journey has been truly inspirational. You give back to others and you're walking the walk. Whatever this is it will pass.

    Yeah, I know you hate compliments, but you'll just have to deal! ;)
    Boxer17 likes this.
  14. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I watched a lot of his Videos over the last week, not only on the nice guy Topic from him, and he never mentioned Glover as far as I can tell till now.
    I see it the same way. In reality there are very few families at least in this Country here, where the Father is really the head of the Household and is a real man. This makes it very dificult for us and more so for the younger Generation to have examples how to act and react like a real man.
    I saw an interview from Alfred Herrhausen and I couldnt believe how Deep our official figures today have sunk in comparision to a real man and role model like he was. He calmly answers all the Questions of the interviewer, has a natural autority, you can tell that he answers as honest as he can, tells the truth like he sees it, in a calmly manner without letting himself carry away by the sometimes disrespectful Questions. There is Nothing of a show-off About him, even he was one off the most powerful Managers at his time back in 1989. Sorry if this was too much, I am still carried away by the respect I have for him when I saw that interview. It is such a rare case today to see a real man in Action.
    I agree 100% with you on this. But I have to admit that I still am, a low Energy guy, like Trump called Jeb Bush.:( I Always have to kick myself in the bud to go into Action mode. Like having to convince myself. It is far better than it was, but there is still huge room for improvement.
    Very good way of thinking. I Need to adopt it as good as I can. Thank you so much for taking the time.
    Not very good, felt like shit for the last couple of weeks and didnt do much besides from working. Give me a few more months.:p
    Thank you. I´m already better. It have been a strange couple of weeks lately.
    But I dont feel very worthy of your compliment, to be honest, like four days ago I clicked on a movie with a sex scene on it, my filter seems only working for porn sites, because it allowed me to start the movie and the second the sex scene started I stopped it and closed it. It was a peek of one or two seconds without touching myself and without even get aroused by it because it was to fast. In a strange way it helped me, because I felt so disgusted about myself afterwards, that I now feel even stronger, about my decision to not go back to MO or PMO.
    I have to stay vigilant. The relapse is only a few clicks away when working on the Computer. My Business that I started requires me to spend a lot of time in front of the screen. I was surprised about the temptation I had when I was at this low Point of my mood, because I often have now weeks where I dont even think for a second about MO or PMO.
    dig deep and Saville like this.
  15. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Nothing new to report besides that it is going better.
    My mood is a bit better, no more temptations at the Moment. Back to the days where I dont think about P at all. That is a relief. The bad Moments with low mood, low Motivation and urges to P seem to come in waves. It has been now a few times during this streak that all three of this circumstances hit me at the same time and after a few days, normaly under a week, I´m back to normal.
    It is nice to know that, to be prepared and to know that it will pass again. Often when in this low Point in life I am so frustrated and discouraged that I forget that this seems normal for the first one to two years of this process.
    I´m working a lot at the moment and I can already see a bit of the fruits of it. This keeps me motivated and helps me to stay on track.

    Only for my own documentation and to be total transparent for myself and others.
    I will let my counter like it is, even I watched for like two seconds a sex Scene from a movie, as I mentioned in my previous post. I did not touch myself during it and did not MO or PMO during this streak. I had two WD, this was all during this nine months.
    For now I think that my counter is still helping me in some kind of way. When I reach one year I will reevaluate if I will keep it activated.

    Note to myself in case of another low Point with bad mood, low Motivation and urges: Go as slow as you need to. Dont put more pressure onto yourself with expecting too much of personal grow or Progress during this moments. Slow and Steady. If you need a destraction, choose always the one which is less harmfull in the long term. Watching a movie, going for a walk, Eating chocolate or ice cream, take a bath. Treat yourself well. Handle as much as possible without distraction, but not too much. Slow Progress is better than a relapse. Life can be good, deal with it.
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2018
  16. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Very inspirational Libertad
    Every step is a gain.
    Libertad and Saville like this.
  17. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Any step foward is not a step backward. Always foward always.
    Saville likes this.
  18. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    A 6:24min video from Gavin McInnes to keep us motivated. Till now I´m not singing more like he discribed happened to him, but with my voice maybe it is better so. What I started to do, today was the second one, that I write articles for the local newspaper. They already printed one like two weeks ago. Before NoFap I never felt motivated to do something outside of work. Have a nice sunday you all.
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2018
    dig deep likes this.
  19. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Gonna have a watch of this guy now you have posted about him -thanks
  20. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Things are going well.
    I´m becoming more myself, at least thats how it feels.
    It was and still is hard to do, to stand up for myself and what I believe in, but it gets clearer what is right for me.

    I think the main thing what was holding me back to do it sooner, was the thought of separation from my Family especially my parents. Beeing myself was like abandoning or separating from my own family because I never felt accepted the way I´m and so I was not able to be myself around them. As a child I felt the only way to survive was to play the role I thought they wanted me to be to live with them. That was what I thought from childhood on and also I felt often not liked or loved and even laughed at when I was myself, expresing my ideas. I felt neglected expecially from my Father and thats why I felt often so unworthy and learned very soon to hide my true self to be and feel secure from the mockerey and ignorance. If they still laughed at me when I was playing my fake identity role, beeing the fake me, it hurt less and I felt more secure, because I could say to myself that they laughed at the fake me and not the true me. Like a Twisted psychology. All that kept me in a cycle of sadness, blame and even hate. It hurts very much to find these things out and to see them like they are and having to accept them like they are today and to give up the hope that others will Change. I have to Change and adapt my world view to the one of a grown up man. There is no way of going back into the child mode and hiding from it anymore or numbing myself with PMO. I still distract myself with Things I consider less harmfull to me in the Long term than PMO, like Eating, Sports and Action movies, when Things get too overwhelming. But I still feel in charge when choosing the Level of distraction because I´m only adjusting the level of growth I can handle at that Moment. I use it as a tool.
    To find all this out About the past, About my Family and About myself, it is sad and hard to accept, but also healing. It is a journey, but I think this was and in parts still is a big part or root what was pushing me toward practicing PMO for so long. Not belonging. The pain was real and I did not see another way to deal or better to live with it. The way is to face the reality, and than to deal with it, decide what concequences it has and what to do about it and what is best for me to move on and become more of a man. I have to face the demons of my past and not hide from them or distract myself with PMO or other things. I am happy to have found this site five years ago. Without you all I would not be at this Point especially 40New30 and Saville. I have still a lot of work to do, difficulties to overcome, obstacles to master, but I think I can do it now. Even if I relapse again, I learned so much about myself that it will not undo the growth and what I learned. I have to face the luggage of my past every time I become aware of it and how it affects me today till I learned what I have to learn and be able to let it go.
    Till next time and thanks for reading my rambling. It helps sometimes to write it down even it may not be of value to others, but to get clearer about my own thoughts.
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2018
    A New Man likes this.

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