My way to Liberty

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Libertad, Oct 22, 2013.

  1. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Sometimes when I can recognise the patterns (self-medicating, isolation, bitterness and anger against people) I try and do the opposite of what I feel like doing. Not easy though.
  2. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Hi Caoimhin,
    interesting that you mentioned this, because that was a really big issue for me. I didn´t admit it here till now, but I prefered in the past a lot more to be alone, than with other people. Alone in the woods or with a dog, or beeing at home reading a book with a cat (with four legs ;) ) laying beside me, that have been the moments when I was ok with the world. (Still sad inside, but ok)
    In the past I was often like jealous and angered of other people when I saw them living their lifes and I felt these deep sadness inside myself and was not able to live my own life. After such moments I have often done PMO only to feel worse after doing it. This hole PMO thing messed up my feelings to other people and myself.
  3. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Yes, it is interesting. The definition of an introvert, as far as I understand it, is a person who feels like they have to put out energy when they are surrounding other people. Extroverts get energy from other people. When an introvert needs to re-energise he hides away, whiole the extrovert will go out to a party or something.
  4. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I copied the following quote from nofapado to my journal to read it from time to time. For me it´s a very good advice and motivation to break trough and not look back. Thanks nofapado.

  5. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    The reminder is a good idea because, with time, when you start to feel better, that is when a trap door can open. With distance, our memories grow weaker or nostalgic or just damn wrong.

    I got in trouble at work a few times for being too quick to say what I think about certain things. Someone councilled me to post an image of an animal on my desk - an animal that was silent - and that every time I looked at it I should think: Think before you talk. or You don't have to give your opinion about everything.

    It works sometimes. But I've got a very big mouth.
  6. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Thanks Caoimhín.

    I have not much to tell.
    No urges. No MW or WD. In compare before stopping PMO when my mind was jumping from one thought to the other I feel very calm.
    I read a lot like I was doing when I was between the age of 8 to 17 years, before starting PMO.
  7. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    I have been thinking back to the years before I first masturbated at age 18. Something was very different about me then. Fortunately, I have been given this opportunity to recover that something. It feels very, very good.
  8. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi Libertad,

    Just noticed your recent post at LTE's journal... "I have had a time in my life like 8 years back, having a lot of money, I was contacting Call girls and hookers. When I think back to this time I feel so deeply ashamed about my behaviour at this period of my life. I never treated them rough or something like that but I did not look at them as humans also. I was looking at them, like looking at a piece of chocolate. It´s hard to find a way out of these memories. Writing this words and analysing my past helps me a lot to change. Thanks LTE and TheCure for your post."

    I don't think you should carry any ongoing shame for your past behaviour. You are choosing a different path now. You are choosing to free yourself from activity that no longer serves you. This is a good thing. Do not beat yourself up over the past, it is gone.

    Seems like you are doing quite well.
  9. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    I agree with FC. The only shameful thing would be if you chose to go back.
  10. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I think we have to acknowledge the guilt but then, immediately, say to ourselves: that is in the past. Today I am a different man and I choose to move on. Keep on saying this until it becomes true. I am struggling with guilt and the realisation of wasted time. It is not easy, but, I'm going to give this a try.
  11. nofapado

    nofapado Guest

    Hope you are doing well today Libertad.
  12. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the posts.
    It´s ok at the moment. Not because I´m so strong, no, it´s going so easy at the moment because I have absolutely no urges.
    I havent had ED, but DE. And now since like two or three weeks there is all death above my belt. But it dont feels bad. In one way I feel gratefull about that, because it makes it easy to stay on track.
    The following is a post from NF in SJ´s journal witch I found usefull for my situation right now. I never looked at the problem of PMO and my past from this way. My problem the last weeks was, that my thoughts about my past beated me down. Like you said below Caoimhín. I will give both solutions a try and will see what works for me. Thanks.

  13. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    This is such a tough issue that I am happy to keep on reading this.
  14. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I saw this link in OmegaMans journal and want it here to read it from time to time.

    The content is a bit rough and hard but a lot of good ideas to consider about.
  15. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Thanks, that was very interesting and useful.
  16. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Libertad, any morning wood or new feeling of life in the genitals lately?

    If not, I'm pretty sure it's coming very soon. You're doing awesome!

    Flatline does make the reboot was easier...beware the return of sexual feelings, this
    is when I relapsed, and others have as well.
  17. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    many thanks for the warning. Yes I have to be prepaired for that. Thats one reason why I´m looking for goals and a vision to give my life at least a bit of value.
    At the moment I´m still in a deep flatline. You are also doing really great. Hopefully we can break through.

    After reading the post of the underdog, it hit me like a hammer, that I have no huge goals or a vision for my life.
    Before PMO at the age from 14 to 18 even if the situation with my parents was very hard, I was making plans, searching for a vision and goals for the future but after a lot of things happened, I started PMO. I lost all my motivation and my plans and felt in a hole of depression and PMO. I have still no uge motivation to change my whole life now, but maybe I can make little stepps in the direction I want to go. I dont want to fall back when I change to much at a time. I hope to be able to make maybe only very little stepps to start to see small successes and building up a bit of confidence.
  18. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Making small changes and improvements in your life is the way to start. I have found that I get a great deal of satisfaction and feel really good about myself when I can tell myself that one small item has been crossed off my list or achieved. You are right to not want to attempt to much too soon. If you set yourself a huge, ambitious list of self-improvements, you might set yourself up for too steep a mountain to climb.

    Also, about flatlining: you are on a quest to win back your life as a human male. You are much more than your penis. More than PMO. You are more than just your sex drive. You are wanting a life full of the richness of EVERYTHING that life has to offer. That is your goal.
  19. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    You are damn right. Thanks for that, Caoimhín.

    A few thoughts from the last days.
    I have to turn my head.
    In a way I was trying to build a wall between me and PMO. Every attempt I made, like a P filter, use of willpower, setting here a counter for the days of no PMO, cutting the time in front of the computer, was like stones I put on this wall to make it stronger and higher to make it more difficult for me to jump over it.
    Now, in the hope of no relapsing, I still find myself looking at this wall, even if I dont feel urges at the moment and not even thinking about how to jump over it. There is a lack of bravery to stopp observing the wall between me and PMO and turning my head to encounter life. The real life. I still feel more secure to look at the wall in front of me.
    My attention needs to change. If I´m not able to do this, I will be to weak to resist over the long term.
  20. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    I don't know that I agree 100% with your conclusion. Tracking your progress is vital. The wall is useful, although it can be less restrictive. An older friend recently went to AA to get a coin for 42 years of sobriety. Think about that, he has not intentionally had a drink sine 1971, but he's still hitting the occasional AA meeting and still has hie coins. The coins are not worth much monetarily, but invaluable as markers of progress and as reminders that recovery is a lifelong process.

    At this moment, the only wall I have is my counter, actually, the only wall I have had has been my counter. I don't know how many times it has gotten me past a weak moment. I don't feel urges very often these days but when I do the counter really helps me to resist. I don't want to have to reset that thing!

    The thing to remember is this, it will get easier in time and this process continues for a long time to come. I can promise you that it goes on for at least 370 days, probably much longer. As little as 48 hours ago I felt considerable sexual desire . . . thank God! I mean to say, I was really horny Thursday. I woke up with a porn star style erection and had sexual thoughts all day long. The only thing that had changed was that I now know better than to look to my own right hand as a means of satisfying these desires.

    Let me repeat that: The only thing that had changed was that I now know better than to look to my own right hand as a means of satisfying these desires.
    . That is the ONLY thing that has changed in one year of recovery. There is no wall between myself and pornography, it is literally a handful of clicks away. I could be on a porn binge at any time but I don't want to view porn because I'm not going to masturbate. If I'm not going to masturbate, why should I want to watch porn? So that's the wall I live behind at 370 days, It's an invisible barrier, but in some ways, larger than the Great Wall of China. But still, I go about my life one day at a time. The days on the counter are evidence of battles won and give me confidence that I can prevail. Among those 370 days are times when I was very sad, under great pressure, days of great sexual desire and all of the other emotions of life.

    I've fought off any number of temptations along the way including a spate of spam that included nude and/or pornographic attachments. No one was more amazed than I when I deleted those without opening the attachments, never any thinking of looking, This really is a process of rewiring the brain.

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