My way to Liberty

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Libertad, Oct 22, 2013.

  1. xstar

    xstar New Member

    It's easier than last year (my initial reboot followed by relapses)...but I've been fortunate this year in that my urges have been pretty low. I think that's related to the fact that I cut out orgasm even though I still have sex. Perhaps eliminating orgasm helps eliminate some of the desire / chaser effect that leads to M and/or PMO? I've also meditated quite a bit this time around.

    The first month of no-O was filled with strong desires to O and I think made all of no-PMO more difficult. That part definitely got easier as time went on...I'd say somewhere between day 30 and day 45, I lost my sense of urgency wrt orgasm.
     
  2. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Many thanks XStar and congratulations to you for reaching 90 days.
    I hope I can come so far too.

    At the moment it´s going well. No urge to M. 49 days without a O. Thats my longest time in more than two decades.
    I post nearly every day something here, not because I always have something important to say but it´s important for me to not lose the focus on why I want to never again look at P. I need it to keep the motivation and to always remember the reasons why I´m on this journey.
     
  3. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    50 days.
    I´m so thankful that I was able to make this, for me very uge step, in the right direction. I didn´t thought that I would be able to do this for so long now without an O.
    There are a few issues witch I hope will disapear continuing this journey. My Sadness witch I still have, depression and lack of motivation.
    Sometimes I feel that it´s getting a bit better but there are still a lot of downs.
    And a big issue for me is also the lack of self respect witch I read also in a lot of journals here from others. In the past I often hated myself because I was not able to quit PMO.
    I hope that I can make it to never watch porn again and to never feel this strong urges to PMO. That would be great.
     
  4. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    You're doing great, Libertad. Hang on to your freedom, no matter what!
     
  5. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Thats a good motto for me. No matter what!
    Thanks bright_eyes.
    It´s going well. No urges the last days. (day 52)
    I hope that it will continue a few months more like this.
     
  6. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    It is very interesting reading your journal Libertad because you have many similar experiences as me. I wonder sometimes what comes first? The depression or the PMO? or do they both feed off of each other. The more depressed I am or the more frustrated with being alone, not having a woman, the more I sunk into addiction.

    You are doing a great job, and keep it up. Earlier, mc_rewired mentioned the importance of exercise. It has helped me greatly. I get a real charge of positivity. Ifeel like I've done something good for me and I'm not ashamed, like with PMO, I am proud. Also, I go to a gym class with lots of other people. I meet new people, including many women!

    I read a report where a doctor said that the 4 best medications for depression were:
    1. exercise
    2. sunlight
    3. sleep
    4. hydration

    Best of luck!
     
  7. xstar

    xstar New Member

    Congrats on sticking with it...sounds like things are going well.
     
  8. nofapado

    nofapado Guest

    Yes that would be great.

    congratulations on 50 days. and that's a great accomplishment particularly on hard mode.
     
  9. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Many thanks guys. Means a lot to me.
    (day 55)
    It seems that I´m in another flat line. Absolutely no urges at the moment.

    Caoimhin, thanks for the advices.
    I´m at the hospital at the moment for a surgery of my back, so no possibility for exercises, but after that I hope to have the motivation to try it. With the depression I dont really know whats coming first, PMO or depression. Because I often did PMO in a depression, to find a bit relief, but it often was followed by a deeper depression. And that became a habbit for me. I lost the first oportunity to fight the first depression in a constructive way, confronting the problems and solving them, instead of hiding myself behind them and doing nothing in the hope that they would go away or time would solve them. So the mountain of problems and bad habbits in front of myself was getting bigger and bigger until I only could live with all this finding a short relief doing PMO nearly every day.
    A few thoughts of the last days:
    When I started PMO I was already depressed. Before PMO I did MO for a few years out of sadness and loneliness. My parents have been fighting all the time, when I was young, we moved a lot, also to different countries and there was no feeling of beeing at home or feeling safe. For me it was like if they don´t really cared if I live or not. It was a very hard time and I started to distance myself inside from others including my parents. It was there when I lost the rest of confidence in myself and others and became very insecure, introverted and shy. I´m still very depressed, but now I sometimes stand up for my own interests and that feels good. Thats something I noticed over the last days.
    It´s still a long way to go and I´m aware that I have to change a lot of things and habbits in my life.
     
  10. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Easy going at the moment, no urge to PMO. (56)
    A lot of thoughts over my childhood and a lot of sadness. A lot of bad things that happened and faults I made in the past are comming to the surface.
    It is hard, but also it feels like a cleaning of the trash from the past.
     
  11. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    As a new person to this, I am amazed at how ceasing to PMO has opened the door to the experiences that PMO has been trying to block. It is obviously difficult to relive this but the important word here is to LIVE this and not block out negative feelings.
     
  12. nofapado

    nofapado Guest

    I've been thinking about the past too. Trying to put the serious mistakes in the proper perspective.
     
  13. BeefNoJerky

    BeefNoJerky New Member

    Hi Libertad,

    I've just gone through and read all of your posts in your journal. It's very inspiring. Thank you for your posts!!

    BeefNoJerky
     
  14. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Yes, thanks for posting the book link.
     
  15. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Guys, many thanks for your posts.

    (58)
    I don´t know if this has anything to do with no PMO but the last days I have bad headaches and not even the smallest urge to PMO.
    I´m still often very depressed.
     
  16. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    (60)
    For a few days now I´m like neutral and totally desinterested in Sex or P or O. Not the smallest urges and I noticed also that I´m far more calm in generally and also when having conversations. I nearly never think anymore about the thoughts of other people. And so I can listen to them better.
    The other day I was in an elevator with a nice girl and I started a conversation with her. You may think that this is not a big deal, but for me it was.
    Stepp by stepp in the right direction even if there are still a lot of moments when I´m down, the goal is clear, never again PMO.
     
  17. nofapado

    nofapado Guest

    Congratulations on 60 days. Your progress sounds awesome.
     
  18. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    (62)
    Maybe my ΔFosB level has declined after the 6 to 8 weeks, because these days I don´t feel any urges to O and less to P.
    I´m still very depressed but it seems also that this is no longer a trigger to PMO. Instead I read a lot here and on other sides, watch movies and I noticed also that my taste of the movies I watch has changed. They are now a bit more happy or constructive and motivational. Not so violent than before.
    Little stepps but in the right direction.
     
  19. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Congratulations on 60 days!

    Not knowing where you live, but I personnally struggle with the shorter amount of daylight at this time of year. The sun will soon only be up while I am at work. Less light makes lots of people's depression worse.
     
  20. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member


    (64)
    Maybe thats one reason, the other I think is, that I´m now facing the reallity of my life without the possibility of jumping into the fantasy world of PMO. I´m now confronted with the problems and my life situation without the possibility of forgeting all in a M. session and the relief of an O.

    I now know that PMO never was the right way and never was a long term solution to survive or handle life problems and never will be.

    But it´s really hard to change beeing confronted with all the life problems one have. I´m not tempted to P. or M. at the moment and sometimes I think that to be depressed is my way in not to have to face the reallity in total. It seems for me a way to have an excuse in not to have to deal with life. In my free days I often let the roller blinds of the windows down and stay in for the hole day. I hope that maybe in a few more weeks without PMO I find the motivation to see my life and the problems in it without beeing so depressed. When I look back two months ago it was worse. So I´m definitly on the right way but it´s slow and the motivation is still low to change things.
    The distance to the real life before stopping PMO was very big, and now it´s getting smaller and smaller.
     

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