My way to Liberty

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Libertad, Oct 22, 2013.

  1. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    First of all I want to apologies for my english, I´m not a native english speaker.

    I will soon be 40 years old and my life for me at the moment seems to be empty and worthless. I struggled with PMO for about the last 22 years now. I started to PMO out of loneliness, frustration, stress, sadness and depression. I was to insecure and far way to timid to talk to others about my feelings or to search for help. At this time for me the PMO was the easiest and in my mind the only way to find a bit of relief and a way out of the hard reality, even if it was only for a few minutes. First I PMO with normal fotos of women like in catalogs because I was to ashamed to buy porn. That was the soft start into a hard and over a two decades now existing addiction.

    To make it short, soon I bought sex catalogs, sex videos and in 1998 I bought my first Computer and the first thing after going online was to look after porn. Since than I was a consumer of it more or less nearly every day. After getting more depressed I wanted to quit several times, with the best streak of 25days without watching P. I always have been very shy, timid and insecure. Even when girls wanted to be with me, during University or Work I was not able to connect with them. I remember one girl wrote me an email, inviting me to go out with her and I felt too worthless to write back. I also was not able to notice the signals from her, that she licked me, before she wrote the email.
    That was and still is to some way a big issue, that I often (nearly always) feel like disconected from other people. Like we say here, the fifth weel of the car.

    After watching YBOP 6 weeks ago, it was like a big weight was taken from my shoulders, I still feel ashame and guilty for my obsession and addiction but nothing compared how I felt before. Reading trough this forum I don´t feel so alone with my problem any more. This videos from YBOP are the best thing what could have happened to me. Even if I fall back, I´m willing now to fight and stand up again after a relapse.

    Thanks Underdog for this site and in case Gary Wilson maybe reads this one day, many thanks to you for all your effort with the videos and your site.

    I´m now near my 40th birthday and I´m willing to fight until I get rid of this addiction witch ruined my life till now.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  2. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Welcome aboard, Libertad. We understand.
  3. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Thanks bright eyes for the welcome.
    I feel good at the moment, a few times at the last 30 days the temptation was big to PMO but I was able to start reading immidiately on the YBOP site and on this site and it helped to avoid to look at P. I´m often depressed and this have been the moments in the past when I was doing PMO. Hopefully the depression will go after a few months of no PMO.
  4. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    I didn't realize you were already at 32 days. Congratulations! Keep trucking on.
  5. RestartOfLife

    RestartOfLife Member

    Hi Libertad, I started for the same reasons as you. Congrats on 1 month of freedom, you are on the right way to the new life.
  6. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Thanks bright eyes.
    In the last years I often tried to quit PMO but never lastet this long. It has something to do with the videos of YBOP. My decision to quit with PMO was never so strong like in the last 32 days, even in case I relapse I´m willing now to start again.
    I´m in a complete flatline at the moment. The last two days I was not even thinking about porn. It´s like I have no sex drive at the moment.
  7. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Thanks RestartOfLife,
    I started to read your diary and you are right,
    the feeling of being rejected by others and the frustration about it, you discribed there was a main issue for me too.
    All the best. And thanks for the support.
  8. CalamariKid

    CalamariKid New Member

    Welcome MWTL! You are in the right place.
  9. Tommy

    Tommy New Member

    Hi Libertad. I have just started my own journey towards "freedom". I can totally relate to your story - it's very similar to my own. The insecurity and shyness lead to porn, which in turn lead to more insecurity (at least for me). Eventually it lead to depression.

    Congratulations on your proggress already!
  10. Apuleius

    Apuleius Guest

    Welcome, Libertad !

    You no longer are alone.. You are now one of us, entering REAL recovery!

    Post here each day from your truest feelings, struggles, experiences, and wisdom in recovery. This thread is your recovery journal now.

    Welcome !
  11. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Guys, many thanks for the support. It means a lot to me.

    Today I´m depressed, but the good thing is that I have no urge to PMO.
    I read every day a few posts from others on this site or watch one of the videos of YBOP, that helps me a lot to stay strong even if I feel bad.
    The next step would be to socialize with others, men or women, but I´m still not able to do that. In the past years I was shuting down all my contacts to others except the persons I have to keep contact because of my work. When others, send me emails I was not answering them. I often did not take their phone calls or said I have no time and cut them. It´s really tremendous what this shit has made of me. I never was a very social person, but this made me a really lonely men without any drive to connect to others. When others wanted to connect, or when I was in my only relationship (1year) with a women, I never believed them that they really wanted to connect with me, because I hated myself. I always believed that if they really would know me they would turn around and walk away.
    The relationship with that women ended because I never really loved her, it started because she wanted to sleep with me, and the sex was great. This was 3years ago. She is now with a other man but still writes me emails saying that she really like me. I often said to her, how could you like me if I hate myself.
    The selfhate was bigger after relapses thats one of the reasons why I want to quit PMO because now I clearly see a connection between my selfhate and PMO.
  12. xstar

    xstar New Member

    Welcome to YBR

    This has helped me a lot...especially in the first 30 days when it's important to beat down any urges you may have. Staying focused on the benefits of being free of PMO is critical.
  13. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Thanks Xstar for the Support.

    What I noticed the last few days.
    My P. has shriveled to half of the size it was before. I don´t even feel the need to M at the Moment. And I seem to be a bit more calm, even I´m still often very depressed. I can sleep very well, like 8h without waking up early or during the night.
  14. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I want to add, to be able to read it every day, the following quote witch I found in the diary of LTE:

  15. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Hi Libertad

    Welcome. And just fantastic that you are already over the 30 day hump! Great news.

    For the depression, are you getting any exercise?

    I am a bit of a fanatic about this I admit, but I highly recommend walking. Just 30 minutes but if you can an hour or so, a few times a week. Not only does it get you out and about so breaking some of the feeling of isolation, it also brings sunlight, and exercise too.

    So that is 3 of the things needed to tackle depression.

    I have a list of things I use to deal with depression worked out over many years of trial and error in case it helps you in any way:

    1. Exercise (walking and yoga for me but whatever works for you although i think walking is a base for all)
    2. Sunlight (walking)
    3. Getting out there (walking but when you feel ready trying to meet more people again - IMO this is the hardest of all the steps)
    4. Sleep (early to bed by 11)
    5. Being grateful (a journal on my phone just listing 5 points at the end of each day - I get an alarm as I forget)
    6. No or little strong stimulants (sugar, coffee, spirits/large quantities of booze, junk food and of course PMO)
    7. Meditation (I really fail on this one but I know it works and I recommend Mark Williams/Kabat Zinn book/cd on Mindfulness and Depression).
    8. Meaningful projects (finding out once the porn fog clears, what the passion is in your life).
    9. Omega 3 (in theory helps the brain but who knows?)
    10. Breathe (similar to meditation but easy to do any time: long deep breaths)

    I don't do all of these all of the time but when I do its magic. I recommend it. But the key is NOT castigating yourself when you don't do one or any of them. What is underlying depression (the cause in my opinion) is self rejection/self hate/self-shaming.

    I really recommend some of these.

    Best wishes
  16. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Many thanks mc_rewired for the good advices.
    I was like one hour walking today in the forest. Thats something a few years ago I was doing regularly and it always calms me down.
    Its not that I feel good, but it´s ok.
    Than I was reading in the book from Bransky, called Somebody should have told us.
    It explains the connection between our thoughts and our feelings. The point he explains is, if you feel bad, what was your thought. It´s not about to get deeply in observing it, it´s more to understand that we create our own feelings trough our thoughts. On youtube there are a few videos about that, they call it the three principles. Mind consciousness and thought. For me it starts to make perfect sence, that we create our bad feelings trough our own thoughts about something.
    I don´t know why I´m writing this all down, I only wanted to say that I start to read books again, instead of sitting in front of the pc the whole day and after work again.
    For me it seems positve. I´m looking for that little stepps forward. After reading the quote from LTE and yours Mc_rewired, I noticed that the counter how many days without PMO, is and must not be the main thing for me. It´s important to stay strong and its helpfull but the main issue for me will be to built me a life witch is really worth to live. This hole PMO made me think so wothless about myself. At the moment I have no hobbies, my hobby in the past decades was PMO and it made me quit all the other things of life except my work. I slowly have to built a real life to fill that gap. Find a new hobby, socialize with others (this will be hard for me) and maybe after 3-5 month without PMO to look out for a girl friend. The problem is that even I know this would be the right things to do, I have no motivation to start with it. I hope that more time without PMO will give me the drive to do it.
    I have had no urge for PMO today. I feel calm and a little bit sad about my past life. The counter of PMO free just changed to 35 days, even if its not so important, that is my longest time period without, since I started with PMO.
  17. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Keep pushing forward, Libertad. You are making solid progress.
  18. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Thanks Bright_eyes for reading and the support.

    Today I started to clear out my room. It feels good, to have the energy for that, it´s like another little stepp out of my comfort zone.

    What I noticed too, that without exaggeration, the colours of the world look a little bit brighter than before for me today. Maybe the one hour walk yesterday in the forest has helped me, to not see all grey and negative.
    Still no urge to watch P or to M. It seems too easy at the moment and I´m aware and a bit frightened of the moment when it comes back.
    I put a link to the videos of YBOP directly on my desktop to have the possibility to watch it immidiatly when the urge comes. Because I know me well in case I start watching P. there is no way back till the PMO is completed.
  19. Tommy

    Tommy New Member

    I think you have the right idea right there. Sitting in front of this little screen hours on end is not natural for us (and I don't just mean P). Getting out, seeing the nature and the horizon (instead of walls) is liberating.

    And reading also. I haven't read much in the past few years. I used to read a lot. It was like getting a new perspective on this life every time you opened a new book. And in my opinion it doesn't even matter what you read - read whatever interests you.

    It's very inspiring to see you make brogress Libertad.
  20. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Thanks Tommy.

    Just found this two quotes in a diary of others and want to have it here to repeat it from time to time.

    "Discipline is just choosing between what you want now & what you want most."

    "The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new."

    I´m ok at the moment. It´s going easy the past few days. No urge to PMO.

    Another quote about introvert people I found here is:

    "They may not be aware of their thoughts unless they write or talk about them."

    Maybe thats one reason why to write my own diary in this forum helps me a lot.

    Even if it´s maybe not so important what I´m posting on daily bases in my diary it helps me to stay on track. I know I made the right decision to go in the direction of real love, witch a real wonen wants to give me.
    Hopefully soon. ;)

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