My trip to my Psyc

Discussion in 'Women' started by patpine, Aug 17, 2013.

  1. patpine

    patpine Guest

    I learned about my husbands addiction to porn by going to a shrink. I thought I was in a good marriage but for some reason deep down inside I could not understand why my husband would get defensive and angry at the slightest bit of emotional relationship conversations. Athough I did not hound him about the lack of sex, I was concerned. The excuses piled up and I believed him or became frustrated. he confessed a few weeks ago that he thought it was porno that had changed his views about me. After 6 sessions with my doctor he finally got me to see that he believes my husband has deep sexual issues because just normal emotional/relationship conversations will send him into a depression, anger, withdrawn, or defensive? SO now I am convinced that he may have a deep rooted issue with intimacy and sex? he is a nice person but deep down I am really upset at myself for not making my own sexual growth mature. he now wants to go to marriage counseling to make things better. I will try but really, yesterday was a turning point for me. I came to the realization that something is going on that is outside of my control. I am no longer going to try to have emotional relationship conversations. Regarding sex? I am going to give up the fantasy in my brain that wants to see him initiate something. Regarding his issues with public affection: I am going to give up on the fantasy that he will ever be able to show any touching in public. My husband is ill and I can't change that. Just venting.
  2. Stiffenthesinews

    Stiffenthesinews when no one else ever cared

    I'm not sure how much I can help, but I just felt compelled to post because your "venting" reminded me of my gf's looks of exasperation. I had problems showing affection in public. I still do, but I'm getting more used to the idea now. It took me to see things from her side. I can tell she's aware I have this problem. She told me when we were at a pub together she wanted to kiss me. I smiled and told her she didn't have to ask my permission, and she did. I kissed back. I'd given up porn and masturbation about a month before we got into the relationship and have since been been making steady progress. Since I've quit porn I've started to find it easier to see things from another person's perspective. It's not fair to her I feel embarrassed to be seen with her in public. I love her and this is something I want to work on. I'm not entirely sure why I feel quite so embarrassed. Maybe our sitautations aren't all that similar because we live in a not so cosmopolitan place and I look a bit Asian, and she's Caucasian, which magnifies the problem.

    I'm not sure how bad your husband's porn addiction is, and how willing or unwilling he is to stop using porn. The problem with this addiction is that unless he believes there is a SERIOUS problem and he needs to give it up, for good, he won't attach much importance to the need to, or resent you for making him give up. In my case, and in the case of many others on this site, I was suffering from ED induced by porn, and it felt like a life or death thing for me to get this fixed, and so I gave porn up (hopefully for good), for me, and no one else. A life without sex for me at the time seemed like a life not worth living, so giving up porn wasn't too much of a problem.

    In any case, if your husband really is serious about this, and wants to do this, for himself, not just you, then there is probably a pretty good chance things will get a lot better. In my case my impatience when it came to trying to feel empathy went away relatively quickly. Perhaps these emotional relationship conversations aren't so far away for you and him. His desire for sex should return too, but this is his fight. You can support him, but when you try to put these things into your control you're going down a slippery slope. He probably won't be able to understand the wildly changing emotions he experiences himself when he gives up. He might go from being sex crazy one minute to being repulsed by you the next. Sorry if this is difficult to hear, but this can happen to guys. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

    Keep us updated. Maybe try to get him to post here. It's difficult to offer advice without knowing exactly what your situation is. You seem to be thinking your husband is ill and beyond help? The very fact that he wants to go to marriage counselling shows he badly wants to get through this with you. I, and probably anyone else here would say the next step should now be for him to quit porn and masturbation entirely. With you in his life he really doesn't need it. Watching and masturbating to porn is ultimately incredibly depressing and unfulfilling.

    EDIT: Having now just read some of your background I see your husband was like me. Guy in his 20s who didn't date and no one could begin to understand why. It's astonishing to me coming here how many there are like this. Porn was just an awful lot easier - no fear of rejection, no need to open up and no hassle were the main reasons for me. I began to tire of it and then found this forum. If I hadn't, then I would have continued to use porn, quite probably continuing to put far too much importance on the desire for a healthy sexual relationship, yet unable to achieve this.
    Just try to show him some YBOP videos at least. I've said it before - I would have taken a bullet for my porn collection before I found this site. It takes quite something to suddenly turn a guy against using porn, and you simply getting upset about it I'm guessing won't do the trick.

    Alright, I'm getting quite repetitive now. I'll make my exit. Best of luck!
  3. Virtu

    Virtu New Member

    Usually the role of marriage counselling, when both are willing to, is to have a third party helping intermediate the communication until you both find a common ground and do it alone, reconciling yourselves. The defensiveness might be just a knee jerk reaction out of fear about what you want to discuss, such as imagining a priori that you want to actually put an end to the relationship and hence the need to discuss the relationship. I think this is a typical male reaction when women want to to talk about the relationship.
  4. WFO

    WFO New Member

    Emotional relationship conversations would turn me off too. That stuff is for women only.
  5. Bibbity

    Bibbity Wife of a recovered addict. 3 yrs strong.

    How is that working for you WFO? It's clear that you know very little about how a man's brain works if you think emotions are for women only. The suppression of emotions is what sends us into addictions.

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