My Thoughts On Rebooting [EXTREMELY LONG POST]

In Underdog's post I think the number one key to the puzzle is getting active in you recovery. As you said people get obsessed with their counters and days abstinent but those days don't amount to much if you don't make changes and get yourself to a point where you feel like you are accomplishing things.

I know for me it is to get a good sleep routine, eat healthy, exercise, and a big one is notice when i'm procrastinating and nip it in the bud. I think the counter can be a general guide. Don't wait though, just stop the pmo wherever you are and start living and doing the things that you have been putting off or make you hesitant to progress.

Don't say things like, "oh once I get 60 days I will go on a date." That is just using a reboot as an excuse to justify not doing things because of fear. Anyways theres great info in op's post. By the way i'm guilty of all this and very much easier said then done.

 

I've had many of these realizations myself, but I'm glad you formulated them TU.

I'll definitely share this with those who need it. Thank you.

 

Wow.. on point, relevant, very well written. Thank you so much, UD!

 

UD's the man. Somebody should start a UD appreciation thread, he is a rare island of reality in these forums.

Going to the coffee house tonight and going to write down that life vision, who I want to be, etc. Things have been unfolding the last several months, in a good way, both because of this fight with the porn thing and because of things unrelated to porn. UD's right, you gotta have other stuff going on, other goals besides ending porn, if you want to get out of it. Those other things are what's causing this unfolding, not just the porn struggle.

 

"But you can't deal with the problems when you are drunk. So first step is to put down the alc."

"This is the opposite of what I'm recommending."


But it is a crucial step regardless so who cares if it's first? It has to be done either way, better sooner then later. Also sun is 100% correct so what do you mean underdog?

 

Totally agree man, thanks. HUGE point to keep people from getting stagnant.

 

Very nice indeed! It is now on the front page of YBOP and in the intro on the rebooting page...and at the top of the rebooting advice page.

The question I have refused to have on YBOP is - Will a relapse set me back?
I just decided to create it - http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/will-relapse-set-me-back

 

"The Foundation of a Proper Reboot
Porn addiction is not the cause of your shitty life.
Read that again.
Of course, it's difficult to improve your life when you're having intense porn sessions every single day that drain your energy and make you a zombie. But porn is not the reason your life sucks.
Please, this is very important to understand, you have to stop blaming porn for your problems.
This mentality of "life awaits me after recovery" is destructive.
Porn is not the reason you're a procrastinator. Porn is not the reason you're depressed. Porn is not the reason you're lonely. Porn is not the reason you haven't been able to lose weight or gain muscle.
Porn is the symptom.
You watch porn to escape reality. You watch porn to manage your emotions. You watch porn because you're bored, lonely, stressed, depressed, angry, isolated. You watch porn to feel good for a moment, to replace uncomfortable emotions and situations in your life."

This, doesn't concern me and I represent some people out there. As a matter of fact, I didn't watch porn cuz I was bored, anxious, depressed or whatever you mentionned. I used to watch it because a cousin introduced me to this when I was 14 and that was totally new to me. I didn't even know some girls dare to suck a dick. I masturbated after the movie (that was a DVD played on tv) and experienced my first orgasm. Powerfull and totally new, I started my M sessions. At the end, it became an addiction without even knowing it.

Yes, now I'm addicted to P (I'm no longer a M addict) but I watch it only when I crave it and short before I know about YBOP, I started to manage some streak without P and M. Quitting P never makes me depressed so I don't love it much like some do. It's easy to me to stay almost 3 weeks without any cravings. They didn't interfer with my real life. That was really rare to PMO over 3 times. I don't know a single name of pornstar. Porn images don't pop up in my head. When I reboot, I used to visit some torrent sites that got porn ads and I don't even look at them. I don't have urges when I see accidently a sexy image. And for a scale from 0 to 10, I can say I'm addicted at 5 for P.
BUT, I can say that's because of P i've got a social anxiety/fear of unknown people, a lack of motivation and energy and brain frog to list only those ones. My no fap streaks prove it since after a few days of abstience (generally it starts at day 4), I'm confident with 0 social anxiety coupled with a lot of other benefits. So, PMO kept me away from all of this.

PMO doesn't turn me into a procrastinator however but facebook does. Yes, I'm also addicted to facebook and I'm connected 24/7. I'm not even an internet addict. I have reduced drastically my facebook activities 2 days ago and I'm no longer a procrastinator. I always feel I gotta do something otherwise I feel the "void" people used to talk about... Something that I don't feel with P. This, my friend, is something that I can't believe.

So, yes, you are right but only for some people or maybe the majority who got a problem at the root that caused the addiction. But, in my concern, I didn't have any problem in my childhood.

I just wanted to inform so that you won't generalize... Porn and facebook addictions are really the cause of my shitty life.

And nice post, I'm reading the article.

 

Thanks for mentioning my NoA thread TheUnderdog. I apprciate it VERY MUCH from a wise and insightfull guy like you. Your depth of thinking about this addiction is very insightfull and full of real gems that may trigger real awakening. Iam 32 and i had my share of thinking and analysing my addiction and all things sex related in my life since early puberty (first hardcore mags in 13 yrs of age). Its funny how iam begining to arrive to similar conclusions as you and other people here. Ive been practising this temporary abstinence routine i call NoA (NoArousal of body and mind) and now in day 45 abstaining from all sexual stimulation and cues (real, virtual, imagined) iam starting to realise that PORN is not really the main problem at all. Its addiction to pleasure (and "rush" as you call it) generated by sexual stimulation and orgasm used as a physical and emotional release and medication for empty and depressing life ive been living for all the years. PORN use is not the problem its just a MANIFESTATION of something much more serious and deeper. Now after 45 days of removing sex and all sex related things (real, virtual, imagined) from my life i realise i feel exactly what you and others talk about. I have totally empty life, no passions (beautifull sum-up by thebrainiac) and huge empty emotional void (exactly like your quote from Recovery Nation). I literally feel like there is nothing in my life that could match the pleasure (and "rush" or "passion") from sexual stimulation and orgasm - NOTHING BY A LONG SHOT. Its a very depressing and also very eye-opening feeling. Without sexual stimulation and orgasm my life is empty and unexciting and plain boring to live.

I think after striping away porn and than other sex related things i discovered the root of my addiction lurking in the depth. Over 19 years of using pleasure from sexual stimulation and orgasm as my kick and healing for emotional distress it gradually became my biggest pleasure in life, unmatched by anything else in my life by a looong looong shot. Getting pleasure kick from sexual stimulation and orgasm literally become the motivation and purpose of my life (consciously or unconsciously). I gradually became sex addicted - not porn addicted. Removing PORN is not going to fix the real problem hiding below in my deep consciousness. Addiction to pleasure from sexual stimulation and orgasm (and associated physical and emotional "rush" or "passion") that overshadows everything else in my life good or bad and gives me brief moments of pure extacy and total detachment from outside world that nothing else can give my brain quite like sexual stimulation and orgasm.

To shorten this lenghty post and avoid repeating myself i refer everyone back to TheUnderdog's original post especially the part "Managing Your Emotional Life" because after quiting PORN succesfully for some time you may find out just like me that the real problem was not porn but a lifelong sex addiction and using sexual pleasure (from sexual stimulation or orgasm) to fix your emotional distresses and anxiety and snatch brief moments of escape from reality, loosing your anxious mind in exstatic feelings. I also believe that a supporting cure or recovery can be found in neurophysical understanding of brain functioning and the role of dopamine and serotonin in human pleasure, cravings and subseguently such complicated phenomens like long-term motivation and hapiness. Remember PORN is just a MANIFESTATION of a more serious problem that is hidden deeper.

 

I fully understand that it's my shitty life that is my problem, I've understood this for quite a while. My issue is that I can't even find the motivation to do one thing to change it. I won't go for a run because it bores the hell out of me, I won't lift some weights because I never seen any progress with it before, I won't hit on some girls because I just know I'll get rejected, I won't join a club because I know i'll be too shy to make friends, I won't get a job because I know I won't enjoy it. It's a poor attitude but it stems from the fact that im 23 years of age and have only ever screwed 2 girls & have never had lots of friends. If I've fucked up during the years of my life when it should be easiest to make friends and get girls, then what hope do I have for the future?

 

What you are describing is a self fulfilling prophecy...
You don't believe in change, because you haven't experienced any positive changes. Maybe start with the believing part.
Lets take the example of the weight-lifting. You don't lift weights because you've never seen any progress with it before. Well, from a rational standpoint you know that regular weight-lifting does change your muscles and body. So there is no rational reason not to believe that if you do it regularly you will see and feel the progress. So then why not do it? Take small steps forward, but be disciplined. Every time you see or feel improvement is a success moment in itself which will give a boost of confidence that might even allow you to change things in other aspects of your life.

 

I started a poll last week asking if people thought that low self-esteem contributed to porn addiction and about 93% said yes. Just today I was reading a book on addiction written by a psychiatrist who specialises in addictions and he said that low self-esteem was a huge factor in causing addictions. That's not the same as having a shitty life, a guy can have an ostensibly great life but still have low self-esteem and often very successful people become addicts.

In short, he says that we all want pleasure and contentment and the healthiest way to achieve that is through having a great life, working hard, being an upstanding, honourable person, etc. But modern life is so full of convenience and quick fixes that we've lost a sense of patience. Things that used to take weeks or months now takes hours (travel), or even seconds (letters/email). So we don't have the patience to put in the work to get pleasure and contentment the traditional way, and we feel like it's taking too long anyway and we'll never get there, causing low self-esteem.

So in a culture of instant gratification we turn instead to the quick fixes, the instant highs, whether in the form of drugs or alcohol (quite dangerous and expensive) or porn (relatively safe and free).

This is turn reinforces our belief that we're not good enough to get pleasure and contentment the traditional way so we turn to our drug of choice more, and we form a vicious cycle.

What I'm trying to say is that while lifestyle is important and focusing on trying to live a good life is the way to recover from addiction, there is also something even more fundamental than that, which is feeling good about ourselves, thinking highly of ourselves, liking ourselves. In short, having healthy self-esteem. We can't only rely on creating good circumstances in life, because we can't always control what happens to us and we all face difficulties at some point. We need to be emotionally healthy and secure enough in ourselves to face life properly even then. If we can get there, then we'll be fully recovered from the addiction.

 

+1111111!

 

This is key.

I think it's fair to say this addiction can be split into two parts.
One part is the emotional / psychological part, the other is the physiological part.
A few addicts aren't really addicted on a emotional level. Those are the people that can quit cold turkey, once they read about all the impact porn has on brain and body.
However most here, experience abstaining from porn as a battle, and are in some way emotionally bound to pmo'ing.

Almost everybody started watching porn out of excitement and curiosity. Nobody started out, saying: 'Now let's use porn to fill that void in my life'
In the beginning it was simply a (unhealthy) habit that later became something to fall back on, a safe haven.

 

Great post!

 

Brilliant post. I've fallen into almost all the traps you've mentioned...

 

I've always wanted to post something like this, but I didn't think anyone would take me seriously lol