My Thoughts On Rebooting [EXTREMELY LONG POST]

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by TheUnderdog, Nov 28, 2013.

  1. leannfit

    leannfit New Member

    I agree, Underdogs post showing what to do and what not to do to get the results is great.

    I didnt find that same clarity in the Slight Edge.
    Ive tried to read the Slight Edge, I have missed why it's a book worth reading,
    what do you get out of it? I read about upbeat stories that involve a lot of "deus ex machina"(miracles without details of how they happened.
    I can't figure out the "slight edge". is it like "the secret?"

    slight edge

  2. jjveetec

    jjveetec Well-Known Member

    I had a problem with erection for 12 years. After quiting porn/masturbation for about a month I had a few sexual encounters with a woman, who didn't obsess about "hardness". On the third "date" I had incredible erection that lasted until after we're finished and I even thought about doing it again right away. It happned because at some point I FORGOT that I'm supposed to be hard, because there was no pressure on me at all (or it was minimal) - it was ok one way or another. I was "lost" in the moment and my thinking went away, I was simply enjoying what was happening. So yes - this IS the key for me.

    What if w reverse it and ask: is a relationship based primarily on sex worth pusuing at all? Or, what if it's simply unhealthy to look at relationships with women through the sexual performance lens? This can be the problem for most of us here. I believe that porn addiction is a result of sexual obsession "gone wrong". And than again - is being oversexed heathy AT ALL? I know guys who are in "seek and destroy" mode - look for women, meet them, have sex with them. They're one of the most unhappy individuals I know. I believe that obsessing about sex - one way or another - is bad in itself. At least for me. What brought me here is my life philosophy - my obsession with sex - and the only way to free myself from it is the change of my philosophy.

    I'm simply not interested in dealing with women who will reject me due to my PIED/PE. And from the experience I know that once you find someone who's understanding and doesn't obsess about it, it will be all right. Unfortunately she left the country and our little relationship was terminated. I slipped later and moved few steps back, but I kow I can get back there if I keep on working hard.
  3. alisdaily

    alisdaily Member

    Thank you very well written.
  4. Kokonut

    Kokonut New Member

    thanks a lot underdog. fantastic material and insights.
  5. Teyvanai

    Teyvanai New Member

    I am Teyvanai dated 30 November 2014: the porn on the internet is the the most disgusting evil and barbarric abuse against all female(s) bodies its got nothing to do with the female '' only what the female body has'' as a human being this has a total distruction of the female mind as once she know of it before her soul was ripped apart and distroyed!
    Fact: females was placed upon mother earth for the excistents through the birth of humans (sadly no females no life on the planet -this will extremly bring saddnes of mother earth gods creation none?
    Facts: all females was never put on mother earth to be used as toy(s) play things for all males then when bored throw females in the trash can Amen Our lord has spoken
    Facts: all females do have all the same feelings as all male counter parts where all males '' do not carry there brains as our lord gave it to them!
    facts: our lord must bring about Hermaphrodites only with this no more rape of innocent females and children this is sick in itself our lord has spoken with all blressings Amen!
  6. leannfit

    leannfit New Member

    You might as well also rant about drugs/food and compare that to women.. There is no reason to, addiction has nothing to do with women. we all know this and this is why we are here..not to change our views about women, but to rid ourselves of addiction
  7. challengininnerself

    challengininnerself 2nd Attempt

    hey .. underdog ... its a awesome thing that you have started ... i have gone thru ur post ... and that's it's too long :p ... and its too good ... i will keep every thing in my mind and will try to implement ...

    after going thru ur post i realized that i was only 50% correct in the approach i was following ... will correct the rest 50% by your post ....

    i am highly appreciate your thoughts that you have shared with community ... it will help people a lot ...

    Let's Reclaim Life ....
  8. no+porn

    no+porn New Member

    Thank you very much. I got a perfect image of what to do now.
  9. david reg

    david reg New Member

    Been through hell with porn addiction.odd how a cyber addiction has nothing to do with the real world.the things i have become tolerant to in the cyber world are downright sickening in the real world.the graphic images become everyday,which is not to say understandible for joe blogs.but nonetheless the mind becomes desensitised to the filth.i am still on a no porn diet and enjoying it.good bye to bad rubbish.
  10. ArtichokeGuy

    ArtichokeGuy New Member


    I am grateful for this site and for all those who make it happen and contribute to it. But I really didn't like receiving the email from you that said that your "EXTREMELY LONG POST" was mandatory reading for new members. As you point out within the post itself, it is your opinion. I value your opinion. I also disagree with some of your opinions -- as you anticipated many of us would.

    For example, I disagree with your contention that "complaining" about our urges and struggles is not helpful. I find it very helpful not only to focus on the positive but also to be realistic about the urges and struggles that I am having. It has been a tremendous benefit and relief to share some of those challenges here, especially in the moment when I'm having them. Sometimes abstinence is the best that one can achieve -- and in the moment of temptation it may be the only good thing that can be achieve -- while recovery seems to me something that I'd like to achieve in the long term but that is not necessarily helpful to me in a moment of vulnerability.

    I was disappointed that the post seemed to be only for heterosexual men. I refer here to the many references to women and "big boobs" as members' objects of desire. You suggest that genuine intimate relationships with women should be among the most important goals of members' recovery, but as one of the numerous gay male members of this site, I obviously have other goals. I'm certainly not a member of the PC police, but if you want to address something to all members (as you did this post with your email), I would appreciate it, and I think others might too, if you were more inclusive.

    Please understand that my intention here is not to spark a debate or an argument. I know that you want to help, and I appreciate that. And I appreciate hearing your thoughts and opinions about a problem that we have in common. I'll gratefully take all the help I can get with this problem, but it was hard for me to accept some of the things you were saying.

    Thank you all.

  11. BryanHoward

    BryanHoward Keep your hands where I can see them

    Can't please everyone - and we are all on different paths. I was able to take alot of good from his post - better than simply wandering around the forum. You will find that this is the only way you will take any good from this site - to separate what you read of other people's struggles and how that relates to yours.
  12. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    You're completely right.

    Maybe I should update my post.

    The main problem is when people spend most of their time writing about porn, urges, abstinence, etc. It's like their journals are all about that and they forget that the most important thing is to move forward with life.

    But I agree that it is good to reflect on your urges and struggles. It is definitely very helpful.

    Regarding the welcome email, I'm sorry you feel that way about it. I don't think I will remove it because the vast majority of people have found my post to be extremely useful.

    What about a journal section specifically for gays?
  13. Borges08

    Borges08 Member

    I just re-read your whole first post underdog, and as porn is no longer an option in my life, it took me much longer to get a grasp on masturbation. I'm currently channeling my energy away from masturbation into every day activities the best I can, no matter how dull they are at first. As I do this I'm noticing that my obsession with fetishes are diminishing and that honestly I couldn't care less about sex with girls (in unhealthy ways), but only acting out my fetishes, which aren't even real. My beliefs about women are being completely reversed and starting to feel the WANT for more intimate behavior. Your part about emotional management is what interested me the most because that is the real key to success. Sexual expectations that I previously had are fading away. I will be honest, there are moments that I feel like "I NEED to do X NOW!" like passionately sleep with an older woman (one of my obsessions) or I'm a failure, when rationally I know that my main problem now is being unable to form relationships with any type of woman in general. It's in these moments of feeling like a failure and being lonely that I'm becoming strongest in which leads to more maturity as time goes on.

    Abstinence and willpower alone will build strength and character over time, and heal the brain most importantly, so I think it's one of the most important parts. The hardest part is to transfigure times of emptiness away from the addiction, like you said. Very motivational UD thanks.
  14. leannfit

    leannfit New Member

    I agree with his point very much,
    I am in a family who is just now starting to get into shape. (not be fat) and we joke about, "I can eat" constantly, no one ever whines about how hard it is to not eat.
    We all know it's hard, but we don't call each other and say, "I'm so hungry" what's the point? how does that help anyone? you know what to do, go eat something (veggies, walk, etc) but constantly whining is not useful.
  15. hlqscott

    hlqscott New Member

    Got it !!
    8) 8) 8)
  16. fitzhd

    fitzhd New Member

    Thank you for your well written insights to this addiction. This is a huge help, the recovery process is so much more than no PMO. I'm excited to take my first steps and get rid of the symptoms by eliminating PMO, as I figure out ways to begin building a more satisfying life.

    Good luck to all in their journey for a healthier life.
  17. hope2014

    hope2014 New Member

    First of all I want to thank TheUnderdog and many other nofapsters for sharing their experiences. I love the spreadsheet Darxidius. I need some help getting it up and running. I made a copy. I don't know how to go from "Private" to "Anyone with a Link". And then how to replace SPREADSHEET_LINK with my actual spreadsheet link. I'm not tech savvy at all. I've never used spreadsheets, but I want to install and use this. I have a Mac. Can someone out there help me. Thanks guys. Your stories give me hope. Hope2014
  18. snicolaou2009

    snicolaou2009 New Member

    I totally agree with it. Addiction is sometimes our inability to face life for what it is: pain as well as joy, crying as well as laughing, losing as well as winning. great article.
    Nonetheless, there are some factors that contribute to it such as physical isolation etc.
  19. wwwilliam

    wwwilliam New Member

    Truly a great post. Very helpful and a great gift to those who will listen.

    You have grown wise from your recovery, it's about the only good thing you can get out of addiction.

    I stumbled across this bit of information in a text in the guardian and I thought it was a propos:

    One of Hari’s earliest memories is of trying to rouse a relative from a drug-induced stupor, and his ex-boyfriend is a crack and heroin addict. “So I’d seen addiction in people I loved, and I could see it wasn’t that they were just selfish, morally flawed people. I never believed that. So I erred towards thinking, well, obviously it must be a disease.” Seminal experiments conducted on rats in the 70s appeared to have proved this. Offered a choice between pure water and water laced with heroin, the rats quickly became addicted to the opiate and kept taking the drug until it killed them.

    But something didn’t add up. “Every day, all over the world, hospital patients are given medical heroin, diamorphine, very often for long periods. And virtually none of them afterwards goes out and tries to score on the street. Which made me think, the issue here can’t just be the drug.”

    Hari went to Vancouver to meet a psychology professor, Bruce Alexander, who had been similarly puzzled, so had replicated the original experiments. This time, instead of experimenting on solitary rats locked in empty cages, he offered the choice of clean or drugged water to rats kept in what he called Rat Park, a kind of rat heaven full of wheels and coloured balls and delicious food, and other rats to play and mate with. When these rats tried heroin, they weren’t very interested.

    “They just didn’t like it. None of them overdosed. Even more strikingly, he then took rats that had become addicted in the isolated cages, and put them into Rat Park. And they almost immediately stopped using. What Alexander had found is that we’ve fundamentally misunderstood what addiction is. It isn’t a moral failing. It isn’t a disease. Addiction is an adaptation to your environment. It’s not you; it’s the cage you live in.”

  20. ntg

    ntg New Member

    I do like your post, and found it very helpful. I do disagree with your viewpoint of how men have to "take what they can get" in regards to women though. I think that's what most men believe, because they've been socialized to believe it, but in reality, this is not the case. Many men (not just 1 on this forum) have transformed themselves from someone who was not getting results they wanted, to someone who is. I honestly think that your whole post is about becoming a better man, and that's all it really takes to get women. Massive action, in my book, is just working on yourself, and then taking some risks to go approach some women.

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