My Story

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Awakening, Mar 15, 2012.

  1. Awakening

    Awakening New Member

    Hello everyone,

    I am 22 years old and been watching porn and masturbating to it since I was 16. I first started masturbating when I was 14 I think but it was without porn. Slowely as I discovered porn, I started masturbating to it. Anyways, I am trying to quit pmo for almost a year now. I have had a few success but the longest I went is 22 days only. I have reached the 3-week mark for 3-4 times only. I never knew that I messed my brain up to this point that it would be this difficult. My biggest problem is porn. I just cant live without porn. The urges sometimes makes me cringe and it seems impossible to control when the furious urges hit. I was at day 16 last monday but everything went down after I relapsed this monday. I relapsed twice on porn on monday, once on tuesday and once today. The chaser was too hard to control.

    Sometimes I ask myself if I have gone too far and if I will ever be able to recover fully. I sometimes feel my brain is damaged beyond repair. I have tried many things but I have failed hundreds of times. I dont know what else to try now to recover. I even destryoed my old laptop on which I use to watch porn. But then I started watching porn at the local libraries. I know that I could even end up in jail if I continue like this. I have lost all the battles so far I have fought against porn. I just dont know what to do now. My motivation level has hit the bottom. Life is soo depressing after every relapse.

    Sorry about this negative rant but I felt like letting all out. I know many guys here and on who are on same boat as me. I will post topics here everyday as each day passes. Hopefully, the comments and blogging here will keep me motivated. Thanks and good luck to everyone.
  2. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    You're trying way too hard, that is why you keep relapsing over and over again.

    Every time you rely on pure will or think "Aarrrrghh!!! this is so hard!!! the urge is too strong!!!!" you're giving porn more power.

    All these thoughts actually make porn more exciting and forbidden, which in turn makes it more easy to relapse.

    What you have to do is calmly and mindfully ignore these urges as soon as they arrive in your mind. Do not fight them or reject them, just smile and calmly focus your mind on something else.

    You also have to just make the decision to quit porn forever. None of this "I'll try to see how long I can last" bullshit. Get serious about this and stop saying stuff like "I just can't live without porn" which is not helping you at all.
  3. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Your experience reminds me of when I battled tobacco addiction. I failed many times. I tried many tricks to make smoking more difficult. Nothing worked until I just decided I HAD to stop. It was an attitude long as my attitude was, "I want to smoke but I won't let myself smoke," I failed. I had to convince myself I didn't want to smoke.

    Of course, I still had urges to smoke, but I was able to experience them as an observer, rather than as the victim of the urge, if that makes any sense. Another way of saying it is that I was able to keep enough distance between my "self" and the urge that I was able to perceive the urge as something I was experiencing, rather than just undergoing the experience.

    I don't know exactly how I got to that place (therapy has helped!), and I don't know what to tell you other than it IS POSSIBLE to get there.

    Be strong, and don't hate yourself for failing. Moving past failure is the key. Don't fall into the morass of regret. The past is past. Focus on THIS day, THIS moment.

    I'm 48. I've been through what you're experiencing in other contexts. It WILL get better. You CAN move on. (Then again, here I am...)

    You may need help--a good therapist can get you started. Not specificly for PMO addiction--for getting out of the cycle of dispair/depression--for getting that crucial perspective on your feelings, that small but essential separation between your "self" and your moods/urges.

    In a nutshell--no matter how hopeless you feel, there IS hope. Again, if you can't get out of the dispair cycle, you might consider counseling/therapy just to start.
  4. Awakening

    Awakening New Member

    I understand exactly what you are saying. I have never tried that "observing" myself whenever the urges hit. I read about some Indian Yogi who said that the best way to control sexual urges is not to control them. Just watch them as they come and make yourself separate from the urges. Easier said than done but it did work a bit when I tried it. I am glad you were able to conquer your tobacco addiction. I hope you will conquer this addiction too (if you have it).
  5. Awakening

    Awakening New Member

    I think you are right. I have been paying too much attention to the urges by saying that they are uncontrollable and too hard. I guess I just have to calm myself every time urges hit and stay as busy as possible when I am most likely to relapse. Thanks for your reply. How are you doing?
  6. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Sure man, welcome to the forum.

    I'm doing great! Currently on day 15 of no PMO.
  7. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Thanks. Day 15 and so far so good.
  8. Awakening

    Awakening New Member

    Day 11

    Came close to a relapse today, so thought to post here today. I went to the library in the morning like I do every day. I had to finish the online school HW which was due today and had a lot to do in a short period of time. So the tension and stress created by frustration of not getting correct answers made me release my tension by watching porn but fortunately the cravings werent strong, so decided to watch provocative videos. I didn't look at hardcore porn but I did looked at a few thumbnails (didn't opened them fortunately) and saw a few non nude sexy videos on you tube. I learned today that it is not just the craving itself that make this rebooting worse but the "non nude hot/sexy videos" make it even worse. It is very easy to slip back to hardcore porn videos from these "not-so-dangerous" videos. This is exactly how I relapsed last time when I reached 15 days. I don't want to repeat the same mistake again this time. I have been trying this for quite a long time and wants to conquer this addiction as soon as possible. I have wasted many months, so don't want to waste any more time now. I have decided to stay away from computers every morning from tomorrow (the time when I am most likely to relapse). It has now started getting harder but I guess I need some motivation to get me going.
  9. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    You're absolutely right about the not-so-dangerous videos.

    Non-nude sexy videos should be avoided, not because they are bad, but because they can lead to a full porn relapse.

    And remember that quitting porn also means quitting "taking peeks" at porn, no matter how short in duration they are.

    Quitting means QUITTING.

    Congratulations on your progress so far. You're on day 19 if I'm not mistaken.

    That is absolutely amazing.

    Keep going.

    Aim high.
  10. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    "And remember that quitting porn also means quitting "taking peeks" at porn, no matter how short in duration they are."

    Absolutely right. The images are what release the chemicals in our brains (as I understand it). Each peek is like a puff of a cigarette when you're trying to quit (at least for me).

    Stay strong.
  11. Awakening

    Awakening New Member

    Thanks underdog and spinergy.

    @underdog Im on day 12 today.

    I knew that today's morning was going to be very difficult to control, so I decided to take a long walk on the trail which is just behind the library. The urges were strong but disappeared quickly after walking in nature for 10 minutes.
  12. osiris

    osiris New Member

    Read your blog, good progress I'll be following.
  13. Awakening

    Awakening New Member

    Whats the best porn blocker for Ipad 3?
    I can use K9 but is there anything else that is better than K9? Thanks.

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