My story

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by notmyrealname, Dec 21, 2022.

  1. notmyrealname

    notmyrealname New Member

    I am 47 and have been using porn since my early teens. I have just started my journey with not using porn - I have managed about a week and a half so far. I have deleted all of the porn from my iPad and most of it from my laptop. I don't seem to have any real urge to watch what I have left there and I guess I will probably just delete it. I don't feel that I want to delete it at the moment though.

    I feel I have made some bad decisions in my life, regularly watching porn being one of them, but also in my choice of relationships. My partner of 12 years rarely had sex with me and I think this might have fuelled my need to watch porn.

    I have tried stopping before but never really managed. I have made a few appointments with different therapists in the past, but found it too difficult to go ahead with it. I'm pretty ashamed of it.

    After a difficult two years with lockdown, a nervous breakdown and a divorce, I feel I have turned a corner with coping with my mental health issues. I am currently on antidepressants (Sertraline) and have found no real urge to view any porn in the last week and a half. I have been keeping myself busy, but I am not really counting the days. I think that the antidepressants are helping, however I do want to stop using them at some point.

    At the suggestion of another forum member I have been listening to the book “your brain on porn” on audible. Since I have last stopped viewing porn, I have found that my libido has dropped and I have only masterbated once. It was good to have this validated by the book.

    At the moment I feel quite empowered and that stopping watching porn is a good decision.
     
    Rudolf Geyse, path-forward and Gil79 like this.
  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Welcome, notmyrealname, my epiphany also happened after reading up on the subject on yourbrainonporn.com. You should feel empowered, as you have made a wise decision to share your journey with the men here. My story, and many others' here, is similar to yours. We are here to help you on your way to a porn-free life!
     
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2022
    notmyrealname and path-forward like this.
  3. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    welcome my brother,
    if you have a problem with porn, you are in the right place.
    a great deal of great guys here helping one another. here is where one beggar shows another beggar where to find bread.
     
    notmyrealname likes this.
  4. notmyrealname

    notmyrealname New Member

    I'm feeling a bit down at the moment - yesterday I said goodbye to my kids as I handed them over to my ex wife. It's always difficult when my youngest cries when we say goodbye. We did have a great week together though. Ordinarily, it would have been times like these where I would turn to porn but I don't really feel like doing anything at the moment. I'm not celebrating with anyone tonight and will probably have an early night.

    Tomorrow is another day and another year. My resolution is to be a better person and a better dad to my kids.
     
    Gil79, path-forward and Saville like this.
  5. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    @notmyrealname Welcome to the forum. You have come to the right place.

    and as a divorced Dad - I know those feelings and good for you for staying resolute against your addiction.

    I am divorced for 10+ years. It gets easier over time. And as you continue to grow into a better version of yourself - you will savor the ability as a divorced Dad - to have your children “all to yourself” and creating very special and unique relationships with them.

    and that is ok spending NYE by yourself. I’ve done that myself. Spend the evening appreciating and loving yourself.

    keep up the great work! You are doing great!
     
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  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    That's heartbreaking, and must be tough for everyone involved. It is great that you have decided to quit porn, be a better person and a better dad. You know what you're doing this for. You'll be a great example for your children. I wish you all the best!
     
    notmyrealname and Saville like this.
  7. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    hang in there my brother. we are all in this together. stay on the forum, stay on the path, but most of all stay true to yourself. don't quit before the miracle.
     
    notmyrealname likes this.
  8. notmyrealname

    notmyrealname New Member

    Just some random thoughts.

    A few nights ago I had real difficulty getting to sleep. When I woke up in the morning I remembered having a dream about watching porn and trying to hide the fact from the people around me. I felt pretty relieved after realising that it was just a dream.

    I'm not sure if I miss watching any porn at the moment. I don't have any cravings to watch any. I am keeping myself busy in the evenings when I would usually be going through pages and pages of porn and downloading GBs of the stuff, only to watch a small fraction of what had been downloaded. I have found a new programming project to do in the evenings and I seem to be able to concentrate on that without any intrusive thoughts which I think is quite encouraging.
     
    path-forward and Gil79 like this.
  9. notmyrealname

    notmyrealname New Member

    More random thoughts....

    I think this is the longest time that I haven't used porn. I still view pornographic images in spam, but I don't let them linger and they cause me to become aroused.

    After deleting the porn from my ipad, I no longer worry about it being discovered, either by my kids playing games who might want to look through other apps and content, or by accident when I am using the ipad in public. I was on a train sitting next to a nice looking girl several months ago when a pornographic image appeared on the screen. I was absolutely mortified.

    I am making better use of my time in the evenings - I used to spend hours looking through download sites and downloading videos, many of which I never watched.
     
  10. notmyrealname

    notmyrealname New Member

    So today I relapsed :(

    feeling pretty meh at the moment. I was looking through escort providers websites for the best part of three hours - such a waste of time
     
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    You have been doing really well and this mistake doesn't take that away from you. Stay the course!
     
    Rudolf Geyse and notmyrealname like this.
  12. notmyrealname

    notmyrealname New Member

    Thank you. I slept really badly last night and had some really weird dreams, mostly about driving around in the back to the future delorean.
     
  13. notmyrealname

    notmyrealname New Member

    I've just deleted about 470GB of 3D porn. I'm not sure how to feel about doing that - I don't really feel sad or happy, just a bit indifferent. I haven't watched any of it for since I started this journey
     
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    What a gift you given yourself! Well done!
     
  15. notmyrealname

    notmyrealname New Member

    Thanks! I never thought of it like that :)
     
    Saville likes this.

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