My story of dealing with severe AGP from porn addiction.

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Perigee, May 28, 2019.

  1. Perigee

    Perigee Member

    This is a very long read and it’s definitely not the usual story you have heard, so I urge you to read carefully if this interests you.

    I have been struggling with AGP since I was a child (developed between 5-10 years old). Before I get into that, I should explain what AGP is since I doubt anyone here is familiar.

    AGP is autogynephilia - the sexual arousal at the thought of oneself as a woman. It typically manifests as crossdressing, feminization, and sissy fetishes.

    Now, this is a very complex topic that is still poorly understood. This is because the trans communities lobby against AGP research because it's "transphobic" (despite the fact that the majority of MtF transsexuals have AGP). If you want to know more about this, the best place I would suggest checking out is the /r/itsafetish subreddit to see it in action.

    Anyway, AGP is considered a paraphilia (basically a super-fetish that significantly disrupts daily life, pedophilia is considered a paraphilia, for instance) and it's much more complex and common than people realize.

    You may have guessed that porn only reinforces AGP to the extent that it completely takes over people lives. I actually have strong reason to believe that porn is the primary cause of the "gender dysphoria" trans movement...but that's another discussion. I want to make this clear that this is not a political topic and I am NOT confused about my gender or sexuality. But in order to understand my problem I needed to make this clear.

    AGP is incredibly self-destructive addiction that ruins lives. I view it as a parasitic invader that creates a psuedo-feminine narcissistic monster in your head; eventually taking you over completely. It’s based on a very warped idea of female sexuality (aka porn).

    ---

    The beginnings:

    When I was about 5 years old I went to a shoestore. I was wearing flip flops, so the saleslady brought out nylon stockings for me to put on for sanitary reasons so I could try on shoes. A child’s mind is extremely vulnerable to imprinting like this. Paraphilias, in general, are suspected to be caused from imprinting experiences like this (children who get molested often grow up to be pedophilic themselves, for instance)

    Logically it made sense: Ladies legs in stockings are sexy and so by putting them on, the idea of wearing women’s clothes became sexy.

    I remember being around 9 or 10 years old and fantasizing about my female classmates tying me to a chair and forcing me to wear a dress, wig, etc. This preceded my porn use, and so that can speak to you about how powerful this is.

    But of course, I was a severe porn addict for my entire adolescence starting around age 11. As you may have guessed, this only strengthened the already powerful AGP obsession to a supranormal level.

    I started with out with solo/lesbian porn. With no male as a reference point, I associated with the female body, her moans and pleasure, as my own. It was a rewiring error. In fact, AGP men have been suggested to be extremely empathetic and overly moralistic towards woman, to the point that they’d rather objectify themselves than woman. But I kind of question this, I think it’s more pseudo-morality and pseudo-empathy, AGP men are simply objectifying female clothes/behaviors in order to project themselves in that role. Anyway, I digress.

    The next genre was anal sex, at which point I was consciously imagining myself as the girl getting fucked rather than the guy fucking the girl. Then I went to shemale/sissy porn which was the breaking point for me for obvious reasons – a perfect representation of my AGP desires.

    ---

    Going down the rabbit hole:

    Starting in late 2014, I began going deep down the AGP rabbit hole. I bought tons of female clothes, toys, and recorded tons of photos and videos of myself that I posted online. My content easily accumulated tens of millions of views over the years. I literally became porn, my very own content served as my ultimate fantasy.

    I developed an intensely narcissistic “feminine” persona that was fueled from all the validation and attention. Here’s the craziest part: after all of it, I did not like getting attention from men, especially gay/bi men. I craved attention from woman, and desperately wanted to find one who would partake in this fantasy with me. Occasionally I did get woman who were into it and wanted to meet me, but it never ended up happening.

    Near the end I actually ended up posting on /r/gonewild almost exclusively because it felt more validating to get attention from straight men and lesbian woman who were unaware I was a man… this shit goes deep, I’m telling you.

    Only recently did I put a lid on all of this. At the very beginning of 2018, I deleted all my content and purged all my crossdressing/sissy items. And boy, that was a huge stepping stone. I can’t even begin to describe how hard it was to do all that.

    I had reached a 4 month streak of no PMO (my longest yet). I thought I was on the path to recovery. Without going into the specifics, by the fall of 2018, I started the process all over again - mainly due to severe relapses in the summertime and work/life stress.

    I reordered a bunch of clothes/sex toys/etc, recorded myself and posted stuff online all over again. I think the very fact that I knew how self-destructive it all was only added to the thrill. I felt like I was voluntarily creating my own personal hell and it was exciting.

    I remember hearing this song and it seemed to perfectly describe the situation I was in. I knew exactly what I was doing.

    The scariest part of all this is I knew what I was doing all along. Before even before “taking the plunge” in 2014 and onward, I had come to the realization what this was all about:

    I had an intense sexual arousal imitating the female form and role. I recognized that porn had strengthened this to a supranormal level. I knew it was mere a fantasy, not a reality. I had zero interest in living as a woman or having sex with a man.

    ---

    Here is where I am now: 100 days of no PMO

    At the beginning of this year, I repeated the same path to recovery as I did at the start of 2018. Threw out all of my shit, deleted all my content, and made it a goal to quit porn at all costs.

    I’ve been using meditative to deflect urges with immense success. For the past few weeks I’ve also started taking cold showers every morning to build willpower. I’ve also cut out weed and caffeine (temporarily) to help stabilize my dopamine functionality.

    Best of all, I’ve been working out harder than ever.

    The thing is, I’ve been lifting for several years. When I first went down this crossdressing/sissy rabbit hole, it was quite easy to pass as a woman (my body at least). I had always been hesitant to work my upper body because it would make me look and feel less "feminine".

    I focused heavily on squats and deadlifts all these years, but little did I know this would increase overall mass in every muscle region (even my fucking neck got larger). Of course, my quads and glutes got bigger, but I was getting more bulky in general with each passing year. Near the end, I had to resort to concealing my upper body with flowy, fully sleeved tops/dresses, camera angle trickery, and specific poses. How silly.

    And since getting back on the path to recovery again, I’ve been hitting upper body more heavily than ever. My biceps, traps, and delts in particular are pretty beefy. I think this is helping immensely because it has killed any sense of feeling “feminine”.

    Furthermore, I’ve had a relatively successful sex life for the most part - I’m a decent looking guy. And the last sexual relationship I had was incredible, very satisfying, and I feel confident playing the role of a man.

    …But, I still have a long way to go. I can’t actually get hard without taking boner pills. And this is not performance anxiety – this extends to masturbating – yes, I can’t even get hard fapping. I rarely even wake up with morning wood.

    I did serious neurological damage to myself to the point that I have generalized anhedonia that has seriously impacted the quality of my life. Everything seems lifeless, dull, and boring. My emotions are flat and empty. The only thing that can excite me is crossdressing and porn. This is a classic symptom of porn addiction: sensitization to the addiction, desensitization to everything else.

    This anhedonia has naturally extended into my libido to the point where I have sexual anhedonia at times, not enjoying orgasm or sexual acts in general.

    I think in my case, and in the case of almost all people with AGP, the term analloeroticism describes the state of their sexuality more accurately: a lack of sexual interests in other persons. This is distinct from asexuality which is a lack of a sex drive altogether.

    When I do anticipate sex, I usually take aphrodisiacs + boner pills, and try to make the experience as enjoyable as possible.

    ---

    This isn’t the first time I’ve shared my story with people online.

    I’m usually careful about sharing it since people don’t seem to understand the severity and as such end up giving harmful advice. They say things like: “why don’t you just incorporate these crossdressing/sissy fetishes with your sexual partners?”

    Well, honestly there’s no place for this in my life. I cannot incorporate it “healthily”, it’s either all or nothing. To give you an idea, I’ve done coke several times and it was a joke in comparison to the rush I get from this. Green tea is to a coke addict is what cocaine is to a crossdressing addict.

    Another thing people like to say “you should find a therapist”. Yeah? What are they going to say? I’d go out on a limb and say that most would suggest I’m closet trans/homo.

    Most therapists stay away from the sexuality/gender issues with a 10 foot pole due to the SJW/trans nonsense. And the ones that do treat sex/gender issues are completely full of shit and think everyone should transition. How many therapists do you think have a background in the neuroscience of porn addiction and AGP and aren’t a part of the transition express train? I don’t know, maybe I’ll get lucky enough to find one, because I do need help.

    One day I think I’m going to write a book about this. But I’m still too young now. I’m still making sense of it all. I wanted to write this because I’m struggling a lot right now and I find writing highly therapeutic.

    Don’t feel like you have to give advice (but I definitely welcome anything). Thanks for reading.
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2019
  2. Perigee

    Perigee Member

    Another thing to add...

    I've peaked a few times in the past couple of weeks, despite my ~100 day streak.

    My old content that I posted online is still out there in the ether of the internet, and it’s incredibly easy to find. Tonight was the worst of it: i peaked for a good half an hour. I didn't let myself watch videos, I would look thumbnails, glance at full size photos in my peripheries for a millisecond. It's like I knew exactly how much I could look at without going past the point of no return.

    My heart was racing, full of adrenaline and dopamine. I ended up stopping before it got out of hand. I still noticed the "emptiness" of it all, the futility.

    Does this reset my streak? Yes and no. My streak specifically is "days without masturbating to orgasm from porn or AGP fantasies". A single peek, even a single relapse doesn't set you back to square one. But it's a very slippery slope. One peek leads to two peaks, two peaks leads to 20 peaks, 20 peaks leads to a relapse, one relapse leads to 10 relapses.

    A similar analogy to peeking, I think, would be if a heroin addict went out to buy heroin, met up with his drug using friends, got it all ready to inject, but then stopped at the last minute. With addiction, dopamine levels skyrocket from the anticipation of the act, not the act itself.

    Being able to stop yourself from escalating at the height of a dopamine response, right before an anticipatory reward, is a very empowering feeling. But I know the next few days will be substantially harder. I don't think I've ever peaked this much and not relapsed after. I will have to be extremely careful.
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2019
  3. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Good read. I never had cross dressing, sissy or trans fantasies so this is completely new department for me and topic that would imagine to birth pretty strong opinions. It does not. I would meet you with same respect now. People are so flexible and I think people come to respect different people soon and already have. This is good news because so many are lost and in pain. I think you are little lost but a whole lot in pain. It's okay to be homo but it's not okay to be porn addict because it's toxic to your brain. Beat the porn and see what happens to your selfimage, see whoever you become. Goodluck
     

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