My story is a non-story because that's all there's been

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Ripleys55000, Jun 20, 2016.

  1. Ripleys55000

    Ripleys55000 New Member

    This is disturbing to talk about in a way. I feel like I've wasted a lot of time, and it's probably driven by having more functioning problems than most of you.

    I am now 49 years old. I have only been in the most minor of relationships and those were in the beginning at about 18 years old. Starting at age 13, I was getting interested in magazines and then soon after, about 3 years later, a brother of a friend introduced me to videos. I was so hooked, it's really beyond belief. I didn't care enough about looking for a girl in a sustained way, although I felt very cheated by the whole thing, and never good looking enough
    to have the success I wanted. The bottom line to that is that I never got away from the porn, year after year. During my first relationship which was at age 18, I was already getting impotent with her after a couple months. Granted she was not exactly a hottie though not overweight at least. I had tremendous social insecurity dealing with people through my 20's and I was pretty potent during that time for porn anyway. At about age 30, there was some developing problem in staying erect when I wasn't touching myself. Since that time, it's gradually gotten worse. Now I don't have the initial erection asking me to go turn on the videos. Mostly I didn't spend hardly any time with internet porn over the years but perhaps around age 33 or so, I have to admit I was logging a fair amount of time just looking at a slew of pictures on the net while I was busy doing other computer work.
    Honestly, as an atheist, I have no significant shame to anything of a degree close to most of all of your stories and I don't have that kind of religious sounding direction that many of you sound like you have which could give guidance to me. Instead I am just very rational about many things. I have not had to work and I have done very light hours of some regular business for myself over maybe 17 of the last years. Other than that I was a college student for quite a while. I have thought that watching porn is just fantastic, most of that time. I don't get those bad feelings of loneliness after jacking it that many of you describe. Meanwhile, the other part of me wants the girls that I felt I deserved. Because obviously, porn is fairly inferior to the real thing most of the time. Anyway I've obviously not had the greatest, most productive type of mentality.
    So, what's been happening is that since age 18 or so when I ramped up even further PMO, I have been doing it an average of 5 times a day with maybe three weeks total of days off until I reached about 45 when I started taking a few days off here and there. But I estimate 50k total orgasms at least. This really sucks because basically I barely have potency that lasts more than a few seconds of me taking my hand off the joystick while watching.
    I am kind of pessimistic about where I stand with all this now. I had a growth delay problem that was noticed at around age 8 probably but then investigated at age 13. They thought I would reach normal size but I never did. Height, normal enough, but on the short side. Body size, very immature. I do not generally feel like the healthiest of people. I also evolved into just doing the PMO while lying down on my back, exerting no standing or sitting energy. I am not sure but I feel like I've developed circulation problems over the years. It's hard to just decide that I will give up something I like so much in porn videos, both the classics and everything that came after. Btw, I have never understood any of you talking about demeaning or forceful porn, etc. Sorry guys, objectified and maybe they are like sexual athlete hedonists only, but I don't really see all this as any kind of violation of these women.
    Usually I like porn with good setups. I guess I must be a simpleton given that I have continued to enjoy these type of aspects and didn't really graduate, so to speak, to any really sick stuff. What would that be? Oh, at the most what could that be? Shemale stuff? I dunno. Where you guys even find all this abusive stuff? I never found myself finding that.
    Anyway, at over 50,000 times, and often not feeling too healthy, though I'm active with sport a few times a week and my weight and everything is at normal values, well... I just don't expect much now. I feel like I killed it!

    I have been off for 3 days now.
     
  2. Ripleys55000

    Ripleys55000 New Member

    Btw, I didn't mean to make it sound so pessimistic, but I'm just worried about how long it might take to reboot. And of course, I could describe more details of anxieties and situations I've been in in the past, but I just wanted to get this started right now with the main details.

    I am ready to find a relationship that would take a little more effort than what I've put into it in the past so that I could find someone more right for me instead of bad matchups. I know it's all going to take more work than I've been prepared for in the past. Like I've said, the relationships have been very brief and I just got completely sidetracked by the whole prn thing along with somewhat delusional plans for the future I guess.
     
  3. Tony74

    Tony74 Guest

    Wishing you all the best on your journey Ripleys55000... I'm one of the guys you referenced that grew up with the extreme religious background so I had a lot of shame surrounding PMO that I had to overcome. Anyways, I think we all have the same goal here and that's to reboot and become the best versions of ourselves as we can. I just set my mind for anywhere between 1 to 5 years for my reboot as I've been hardcore on PMO for practically 30 years. Hopefully it doesn't take that long, but I figure to overshoot it than to underestimate how long it will take then become too discouraged and quit.

    Anyways welcome and again good luck my friend and may you find what you are seeking...

    One day at a time...
     
  4. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    Congratulations on the day count!

    I found a lot of answers in YBOP. I try to read a couple of pages from it every day. I also frequently check out Nofap Emergency; generally, daily.

    I learned decades ago that atheists have it a lot easier, because they are not weighed down with religious baggage.

    The famous "they" discovered way back in the 1940's that atheists had a higher recovery rate, because they had no ability or skill to "compartmentalize" religious beliefs (because they didn't have any!). :) Religious people were the first to chronically relapse, because of their innate ability to "compartmentalize" their relationship with their "God."
     
  5. Ripleys55000

    Ripleys55000 New Member

    Okay, so I am clearly a real idiot. I am now back after all this time and no change since I had posted. Well, if I don't do something now, at age 50, it's going to be next to impossible if it's not already. I really think I have a circulatory problem. Weak veins playing a part, I would guess. But
    also clogging up in the main artery. Aren't I positive? Anyway, I'm here to say that I have to do something about quitting the porn for real this time. Going to really try (more than last time).
    Hey, what is 35 years or so of five times a day (other than the last few years)? My habit is to lie down always while watching and it seems like that is the only easy way to get an erection. Nighttime? Basically nothing except a little rigidity on an occasional night, really
    only following when I've actively been watching. Not after several days of doing nothing. Any thoughts? Thanks for listening! Yes, over a year since my initial post.
     
  6. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Welcome Back Ripleys,

    You are not an idiot! Just like the rest of us here you are a bloke that has wandered down a maze of attractive pixels trying to figure out how to get back out...
    Well you gonna have to find that way yourself first of all, but you will get lots of encouragement and tips of your fellow maze dwellers on here!

    Start of reading journals here and apply what rings true for you. Quitting porn is a shock to the system on many levels. Not easy at first but totally do-able.

    Ooh yeah as a first challenge to your system take cold showers, that seems to be a very common ingredient for lots of success stories.

    Good luck. :)
     
  7. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi Ripleys, I truly hope all the best for you in this battle. I believe the amazing men in this group can be a great help and resource in your fight. I am standing with you brother. Have you read all of Gary's info at yourbrainonporn.com?

    I think if you interact others jounals and come here often that is a positive step.

    Peace
     

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