My story 44 male and awakend!

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Bobby44, Jan 23, 2018.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    She's not on-board with the changes that are happening within you and this is normal. Be intrepid, even if she snaps at you. My wife acted like I was trying to beat her up when I would stroke her hair and ask for kisses. I was a bit too forceful and she was dramatic as hell. Eventually we found some kind of balance. Keep telling her how pretty she is, etc. No matter the intellect, all people want to feel wanted.

    I still bug my wife about sex. She still sometimes acts like she's doing me a favor. I do it for me, but our relationship is so much better when we "make love."

    Oh, and don't take what she's says personally. It can be very hard not to get angry, or feel diminished, but your wife is just getting used to the new you. :)
     
    40New30 and Bobby44 like this.
  2. Bobby44

    Bobby44 Member

    Hi all, just checking in I’ve had a hectic few weeks and been off work.
    Everything is going amazingly well for me at present... it’s almost as if I’ve turned the corner!
    My wife and I are becoming proper lovers again... not just friends , if you’d even call it that before.
    We are very happily enjoying each other at an intimate level once again after many years of not bothering.
    I have I admit mo’d a couple times usually after sex the night before... the dreaded chaser effect I guess.... so I’m keeping a watchful eye and vowing to check back here to keep learning.
    If I look back on the last 7 months of no PMO it’s only now that I recognise how far I have come... the most important achievement is that my marriage is saved and I show no signs of ED.... added to that is that I have 2 improved job opportunities on the horizon... I’ve cleaned up my diet and trained my ass off as so I’m fitter at 44 than I was at 20.... just in the last few weeks my wife and I put a music festival on which was an amazing success..... as I say ‘everything is going amazingly well’.
    I will stop being smug now..... oh wait I’m off on holiday for a week!.... I’ll get my coat.
     
    Libertad, Saville and dig deep like this.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That's when the chaser effect hits, right after sex. Be vigilant!

    It's awesome things are going so well, Bobby44.
     
    Bobby44 likes this.
  4. Bobby44

    Bobby44 Member

    Saville, yes I am underplaying this and I know it really.
    WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO WANK AFTER THE BEAUTIFUL ACT OF LOVE MAKING?
    The risk I run is complacency... but I have come so far.
    ‘Chaser effect’ what the fuck is this? Is it real, is this an actual physical,physiological thing? = no idea.

    Things have changed hugely for me... I still kick myself to remind me that ... if I hadn’t have read everyone’s posts on here and learned so much I would still be living my life as an entire lie.

    I’ve had a few beers.. and feel emotional but to all involved here .... I wish you all the happiness in life possible!,,... FUCK, IT IS HARD...but well worth the journey.... stay strong!
    Did I mention I’m officially on holiday... I really love this 40+ thread.

    Big love from Britain x
     
    dig deep and Libertad like this.
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's real enough to us. We light up pathways when we have sex and the body craves more of this. This is a perfect time for the addict inside us to try and sneak in through the back door and make us PMO. I get the chaser effect every single time I have sex. Sometimes an hour later I feel like MO'ing. It's fucked, but it can be managed.

    You're doing great. I too am grateful for all the men here. YBR has been a game changer for so many here. :)

    Cheers!
     
    Mad Dog likes this.
  6. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    the problem with porn is the novelty of it and the amount there is plus all the searching to keep the dopamine jacked up.

    Saville wrote this a while back but it's a good analogy of what's happening.

    In a house that has the old aluminum wiring the wires are cut off from the source, but left in place. I see my brain like that. The old wiring is still there, but the power source has been cut off. I have no need to reconnect it, because now I have nice, new, copper wires that conduct my brain activity much more efficiently and safely. We really are literally changing everything we believe in. It's why I say we are our own god. We have the wire cutters. It's a fucking big job to rewire an entire house. Holes have to be cut in drywall and it isn't always easy pulling new wires into place. It's a big reno job. We are literally cutting off our past, denying the bullshit of generations past, to power our new brain.
     
  7. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    26 weeks is awesome ! You MUST not berate yourself. You are d4oing fine. All the triggers will not go away at once. Besides looking is ok as long as you do not address it to a porn star or scene. You're doing great. Rock on bro!
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2018
  8. Bobby44

    Bobby44 Member

    So I’m on a beach in Portugal sat amongst the most Devine looking women imaginable.. left right forward and back .... fantasy is ruining my thought train..... one perfectly timed jump into the freezing ocean completely restores all control..fantasy is now my main concern it ‘grits my shit’... and can, if not careful , consume my day.
     
    Saville likes this.
  9. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Looking is ok just try not to project. I like asses look at them "yummy ok next!" I try not to project just look and go yup. :D The other thing is they are real NOT pixels.
     
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  10. Bobby44

    Bobby44 Member

    I’m back from holiday.... I didn’t realise how much I/we needed it. We have rekindled so much of the love we once felt and that is amazing.
    I’ve learnt that looking and not ‘projecting’ is something I need to be strong with.
    There is no harm in a man appreciating other women for their beauty... real women that is.
    A year ago the process of looking at women on a beach would have resulted in a porn fueled binge and hurt my marriage yet again....
    Other than a few weak fantasy slips ive been strong all is good!
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2018
    dig deep likes this.
  11. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Rock on bro u are doing GREAT!
     
  12. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Bobby your progressing really well, Holidays can sometimes make or break a relationship so I'm chuffed for you ,you have found love again with your wife.
    Being clean from porn really does change how we view women we stop sexualizing everything and trying to get a dopamine kick from every women we see ,we now look at their beauty and not their sexual parts, it feels so much better, less guilt and shame and more cleaner and healthier.
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2018
  13. Bobby44

    Bobby44 Member

    I’ve not posted for a while but I’m checking back in as I feel a pull towards old habits creeping in. I’m happy to be still pmo clean I have slipped a few time to MO.
    I don’t think this is too much of an issue although I’m very aware of the triggers and risks. I finally got around to reading no more mr nice guy, which although I enjoyed didn’t find it resonated as with me as much as I had thought it would.
    Sex with the wife has eased off over the last few weeks... I’m not sure why I have made every effort to make myself available and instigate proceedings... I will have to try a different approach ..more bloody romance ( yawn) I guess!... I shouldn’t be too impatient though as for years it was i that was fapping my libido away and creating physical problems such as ED and DE. It’s probably unfair to now expect sex every night .. In fact once or twice a week would be a goal more easily achieved. I just dont want to let it slip away any longer as then I feel a pull towards porn.
    I have caught myself slipping into browsing p-subs on social media... so far I’ve been quick to remonstrate myself and stop... I can’t and won’t let this recovery be derailed.

    The most worrying issue over this weekend has been a fantasy driven brain fog caused by a chance encounter with an amazingly attractive women at a gig.
    I had long admired this women, from a far for a few years... she came to one of my gigs and I couldn’t help catching her eye... I’m normally awful with eye contact and facial flirting but on this occasion I was a relentless, smouldering cauldron of visual flirting... it must have worked as she approached me after the gig and ended up chatting for about an hr. It was harmless flirting... or So I thought.
    The trouble is i can’t get this girl out of my head.... it should have just given my ego a little boost...but fantasy has been in full swing and I don’t really know why or how to stop it!
    I’d never cheat on my wife and love her deeply.... but I’m very concerned over how this has affected me.
    The trouble is I will see her again... whether in the shops or at a gig.... and there was something there
    ( maybe just harmless flirting).... but I cannot risk taking this further , I’d risk losing everything. I just need her out of my head now.... at least you can turn off or block Porn.
     
  14. Bobby44

    Bobby44 Member

    Checking in again...
    Still PMO clean...280 days roughly!
    I have fallen to the MO on a couple of occasions...sex with the wife is rare ... because of this I think I’m slipping back into a mini flatline.
    Porn subs have gradually crept back into my social media .... so I’m back here to account for this and have deleted all content as of this morning.
    Fantasy is still rearring its ugly head but I’m very aware of it and shut it out as soon as it surfaces.

    I’m over the chance encounter with the glamouress women I was tempted by in my last post.... it was an unwelcome surge of dopamine that triggered all sorts of anxiety and fantasy. Not seen her since and don’t want to.

    I hope everyone is well on here.... is it me or has posting died off in the last month or so.... I’m missing regular posts from a few of the guys on here..... I guess life gets in the way sometimes?
     
  15. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Yup sure do!
     
  16. Bobby44

    Bobby44 Member

    It’s been a while... I still check in from time to time, mainly to see if @Saville has surfaced!
    I hope he is well, he deserves to be he’s helped me a lot and , I think, others on here.
    I’m still clean of pmo. I have slipped down the road to p subs a few times and succumbed to the occasional MO ... but life with the wife is good..not much sex but I’m still working on the old libido issues!
    I have finally began practicing meditation .. never thought it was for me but it is helping in all areas of my life at present.
    I have recently finished a book called ‘make peace with your mind’ by Mark Coleman ..and feel I need to share the experience with as many of you as possible. It predominantly deals with the ‘ inner critic’ which we all have...the voice setting you up to fail at everything because of its inherent job of protecting you from pain and suffering....I have noticed so many of my problems stem from this.... I’m so easy to judge myself based on past failiures that often I procrastinate everything I do. The book teaches a different approach and it’s working for me hugely!
    Give it a read guys and let me know what you think?...... you may hate it, may have already read it and can recommend further reading to me!
    Peace,
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  17. Bobby44

    Bobby44 Member

    Had a relapse..... didn’t even realise it was one .
    I was nearly a year clean then from nowhere I started watching porn again.
    So I’m starting again.... well actually I’m a 100 days into a hard mode.
    I’m re- learning all the tips and tricks to remain clean.... it’s almost a ‘to the day thing’ the 90 day reboot for me. Everything just clicks into place ... sex with the wife , confidence boost more energy... and the subsidence of the flat line..it’s odd!
    Fantasy is a constant battle ...I’ve noticed with this last reboot that once I’ve resolved never to mo to porn again my brain craves it’s fix from other sources.... mainly fantasy, it’s so hard to turn off!
    My hope is to journal when I feel fantasy urges overwhelming me....just so to keep an eye on it.
     
  18. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Fantasy was my thing in a awkward sexless marriage of 23 years. Imo fantasy is harder to stop than pmo. To be continued---
     

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