My story 44 male and awakend!

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Bobby44, Jan 23, 2018.

  1. Bobby44

    Bobby44 Member

    Hi all... I jotted all this down this morning I felt I had to share as part of my healing process.

    My story,
    In a whirlwind few week I have learnt a huge amount about my addiction to porn and my addictions through life... I would like to share my story.
    I am a forty four year old male .. a family man with an amazing wife and 3 children ages between 13 and 24.
    I have always for as long as I can remember used porn ... whether from keeping page 3 clippings in a folder to the progression of soft core mags to old vhs video cassettes. I can’t remember why I felt compelled to use pornographic imagery to get aroused ... I was popular with girls when growing up but I was painfully shy and had self confidence issues.
    I do recall getting aroused whenever near a girl...I just couldn’t control my erections but maybe we were all the same throughout our adolescence?
    I think back to these times and I believe my additions are deeply rooted here... I play guitar and as with everything through out my life I pursue the things I enjoy with an almost addictive determination. I spent most of my teens sitting in a room practicing guitar... days weeks years playing and learning upto 10 hrs a day where I could.
    Porn was in my life then but I would never of predicted it would say with me for another 30 years.
    I had a few relationships some sexual throughout my teens... but pmo was giving me what my brain was telling me I needed... and also freeing time for music.
    Fast forward to my first long term relationship in my early 20s... at this time in my life I was drinking a lot, I thought nothing of drinking my way through hangovers .. yet another addiction surfacing?... I was also using weed, cocaine extacy, speed at alarmingly increasing regularity... I enjoyed it right? Or so my brain was telling me!
    I don’t think I was addicted to any of these substances.... I didn’t need them I just enjoyed them... I found ways of getting these things for free... ie selling them as so to have my drugs for free.
    I maintained work ,set up my own business socialised a lot... I had to to sell the drugs.
    The relationship eventually broke down ... we weren’t right for each other I told myself.... sex was good no trouble there we just wanted different things in life!
    This is the first time I felt depression ... wow did porn take a grip in this time. I moved into a bed sit never really went out and watched porn for hours... I also stopped playing guitar my life was draining away.
    It was in this period I met my now wife... I had noticed her for a while she was Gorgeous but was having a really bad time as her brother was in intensive care dieing from pneumonia due to aids. I remember going out for beer with my dad one evening and it was my future wife’s birthday ... sadly her brother died that night with friends having to break the news understandably she was destroyed no one new what to say to her... but I bought her a drink sat beside her and we talked all night.
    I moved in with her the next week... against family and friends advice..... everyone was against us on both sides. We talked for hours... put the world to rights and everything felt just right. The drugs stopped almost immediately.... the porn didn’t.
    Fast forward 18 years we are married 3 wonderful children... it’s not been easy , life isn’t but we are a team.
    My wife was far more computer knowledgable than I ... she taught me how to use one .... I found online porn and how to clear my browser history very quickly ... a few years later broadband, share sites, smart phones, tablets .porn addiction progressed along with these platforms... in this time with young kids waking in the night and often invading the bedroom sex was often put on hold. I made up for this watching porn.
    Progressively just as in so many of the stories on this site I became desensitised to what was watching and also noticed the in ability to become aroused easily watching porn.
    The problem finally hit me when my wife and I went in holiday, without the kids.... finally time to ourselves!
    I massively failed for the first time to get aroused... I remember feeling physically that something at the back of my brain felt numb that there was a mental block preventing me from getting aroused! I was distraught... why now and what am I going to do?
    I googled E.D. pills and went to the foreign chemist to buy some... it worked but it wasn’t right... I felt numb down there ... no sensation at all!
    My wife was understanding but I became extremely anxious when ever we were intimate... she started to question whether I still found her attractive which broke my heart! This was the women I wanted to spend my life with.. the women I loved above all others.
    The next few years we started to grow apart... I just had no sex drive even when watching Porn I sometimes struggled to get an erection...I watched porn on my phone craving to feel something I was dead down there... I questioned my sexuality was it women that wasn’t turning me on . was I always gay but hid it?... I searched for increasingly hard core things, became obsessed with porn stars.
    Then .... I found this site! I was in denial for so many years that my porn use was the cause for any of this.... the addiction and it’s damage was done!... I had to reboot hard and quick!
    I am very lucky that in just 2 weeks of no porn or masturbation... my erections have started returning. First subtley with morning wood to possibly the best sex betwedn my wife and I in many, many years if not ever!
    I’m still anxious that I won’t be able to perform... but I am making sure and promising myself to be forever free from porn!... and that in its self helps.
    I don’t know why I have recovered so quickly ...or whether I fully have. But sex with my wife is now a regular thing and it feels so so good! I’m not exaggerating that it has made me feel human again!
    Boxer17, Mad Dog, 40New30 and 3 others like this.
  2. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi Bobby - welcome! It's so good to hear about your progress and your new-found 'human-ness'! I think most of us here know exactly how you feel - well done!!

    This forum continues to be a life-line for me and I know you're in the right place. Keep going!
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2018
    Bobby44 likes this.
  3. madman

    madman Member

    Thanks for sharing Bobby. I appreciate it !
    Bobby44 likes this.
  4. JustOneDayAtATime

    JustOneDayAtATime New Member

    I did both of those things as a teenager. It's strange all the things you did when you were young that you told no-one about and were supposedly secrets. Whatever happened then and whatever reasons it happened like that, it's good to eventually move on from it. Better late, than never I tell myself. And it sounds that now, you're doing well and making real progress. Good on you.
    Bobby44 likes this.
  5. Bobby44

    Bobby44 Member

    I’m just checking in again with some updates on my initial post.
    Thanks for the comments and likes it really means a lot.
    I am now 6 weeks into a hard reboot ... no pmo or mo. After the initial 2 weeks , I reported (above) that I felt on a road to recovery. I now realise I was a little hasty as the last 4 weeks have been hell!
    Flatline hit me hard in around week 3.... no libido at all and a lot of the symptoms everyone had been warning me about in these forums.
    Sex with my wife has all but seased... I’m not sure whether the anxiety is paying a part. Morning erections are coming back now (week6).... I’ve had many temptations to look at porn but I’m glad I have resisted.
    I am determined to beat this addiction I just need to focus all of my attention on positives.
    Posting on here is going to help loads I think.
  6. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Go Bobby! (-:
    Bobby44 likes this.
  7. Bobby44

    Bobby44 Member

    So .. I’m currently on a 151 no pmo & 76 day mo streak.
    I have typed updates so many times and deleted despite promising to post here regularly.
    It has been a rollercoaster ride to be sure.
    I have spent a lot of time on this site since January and have read tonnes of the journals and it’s helped me a lot.... most of the guys on here have had amazing journeys and I’ve taken huge amounts of inspiration from them.
    I feel I’m improving daily now. For along time the Flatline seemed to have zapped all of my masculinity.... Was I really a man if I had no sex drive? .... Part of the problem, I feel , was the fantasy aspect of this addiction which I am now confronting.
    I vow now to be more active on ybr... I will try and post weekly and interact with the other users , of which I feel I know... having extensively read through their journals.
    I need a few suggestions on books to read ... I should have noted them down as I read through journals.... I don’t fancy having to go back through them all.... so help me out if you can?
    dig deep and Libertad like this.
  8. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I hit flatline around 3 weeks in as well...and it hit super hard. And yes, fantasy is a huge part of the addiction for everyone -- if it's not real then it's not good for training the brain and finding the real reward which is, of course, your wife.
    Bobby44 likes this.
  9. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    FLATLINE yes indeed a ride in a, runaway train. Welcome aboard.
    Bobby44 likes this.
  10. Bobby44

    Bobby44 Member

    Thank you for your comments and likes guys.. I have read all of your journals and I kinda feel I know all of you... if that doesn’t sound too creepy?
    I guess I have been kinda stalking you just to try and arm myself with as much info as possible... you’ve all been through so much and I deeply respect everything you have achieved!
    Together with the flat line I have had deep shame in dealing with the knowledge I’ve wasted so much of my time and energy in the past.
    I used to joke that I could have bought a house with all the money I had wasted on beer and drugs .... I’m now thinking I could have built one with all the time wasted watching porn.
    Hey Ho onwards and upwards.
    Boxer17, 40New30 and dig deep like this.
  11. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    You'e on you're way, day at a time hour at a time. Welcome aboard.
    Bobby44 likes this.
  12. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    After you finally digest the shame, and it took me a helluva a long time myself, what follows is discovering this fire inside you to live the rest of your life the best that you can. That's the reward for going through all the pain.
    The phoenix rising from the ashes.
    Bobby44 likes this.
  13. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Yep know how you feel, but I think there is not much point dwelling in the past unless were learning about history we are where we are and have to make the most of today and for our future and as the saying goes time is a great healer and the further we get away from porn the shame will get less and be replace by confidence.

    for me all the money I spend on webcams and sex phone lines is my biggest regret shame in this addiction if only I could get that money back, but whats done is done and I'am a year clean of webcams:).
    Bobby44 likes this.
  14. Bobby44

    Bobby44 Member

    This blocking of fantasy has had some very interesting effects... namely- memories are flooding back into my head almost randomly.

    Seriously what is happening with my memory... maybe it was the fantasy blocking it out... now I remember random things from years ago.
    My business and work for 20 years was decorating pottery, which was a pretty labour intensive practice. I used to escape the repetitive days by drifting into fantasies mainly seducing the women stored in ‘the wank bank’ from the weekends out partying.
    That in turn lead to keeping my phone nearby playing porn... obviously hidden from plain sight!.. I realise now that from fantasy to porn I was just chasing the dopamine hit and in turn damaging my brain.
    I am close to 90 days no mo... longer since I watched any filth.... my main concentration is to avoid fantasy now.... I still find myself drifting off into it but I’m now very aware of when I do.

    I’m glad I started posting again it really helps just getting it out there.
    Thank you again for comments and likes... I felt very alone for the last few months.
    Boxer17, Mad Dog and dig deep like this.
  15. Bobby44

    Bobby44 Member

    Still here.... Still not really interacted with others here. I’m not sure why!
    I think I’ve been aiming for the 90 days hard mode,which today I have achieved.
    Libido is still flatlining ... I’m still struggling to rebuild a sex life with my wife.
    General health is good ... I’m still very reflective on the past.... never really suffered with depression but I’m very much overwhelmed by guilt.
    I need to kick start my libido somehow and now make serious plans to be intimate with my long suffering better half.
    Maybe I will post more as I make plans for doing so.
    40New30 likes this.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Your libido will get going once you are more intimate. Each action feeds the other. Be in charge of yourself and claim your right to put your penis in your woman. You don't need a serious plan, you just need to act on what you already know. If I'd thought about banging the wife again I never would have done it. I approached her for sex because it's what I needed and wanted, because I knew it was the only way to help with the reboot. We do it for ourselves, not our long suffering others.

    Glad you're back. And, yes, post more!
    Bobby44 likes this.
  17. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Posting on others journals gives you a chance to consider your language, your thoughts, your carefully scripted sentences so that you address exactly the point you wish to make.
    Bobby44 likes this.
  18. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    My libido was lacking for a long, long time...but I did hard mode for maybe too long. Didn't re-wire enough. Sex may feel strange but you need to rewire asap.
    Bobby44 likes this.
  19. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Hey Bobby, just been reading through many of your posts, and I can identify with many of the things you mention. The feelings of guilt are certainly something I frequently encounter, I too get preoccupied with fantasy and have libido issues I am trying to overcome. I look forward to reading more about how you'll tackle it all and emerge the best person you can hope to become.
    Bobby44 likes this.
  20. Bobby44

    Bobby44 Member

    So ...still here.... still struggling,still no P relapse so I’m 26 weeks P free.
    So at least I can self congratulate myself for that.
    I’ve still not made any inroads to getting intimate with my wife.... we are extremely close .. best friends nothing more at the moment... although we cuddle every night and for at-least 30 mins every morning before we get up.... so I guess - a lot more than best friends as I’ve never cuddled my mates!
    I am waking up increasingly aroused in the night... and I have tried instigating sex.... just the other night just as I had removed the pjs and arranged the legs akimbo.... my wife snapped ‘ that’s not romantic I don’t like it’.... I guess she had a point although the next day I did remark that ... what exactly was I supposed to do with a raging hardon in the middle of the night that would make the situation romantic...? Grab the CD player stick some soft music on ? Grab some candles? which time of course I’d be as flaccid as a drunken earth worm!...anyway now it would seem as I will try the romantic approach ... planning this weekend as we have a rare weekend off together!
    I’ve been very close to moing since... So it will be interesting to see how the whole affair plays out.

    My work at weekends, esp through summer , is playing guitar in a funktion band mainly at weddings. At these gigs you see a lot of very attractive women all looking at their absolute best... perfect hair, make up tan ... and increasingly big fake boobs!... my history of pmo was often based around seeing these glamorous women and trying to find their porn star equivalent and fapping ..often late into the night.
    I’ve not found it too much of a trigger over the last 4/5 months... there are the few which completely make ones jaw drop... but I’m not a lecherous old man anymore which I guess is progress?...( still can’t help looking though)... unfortunately along with the fake tits... comes the ‘real arseholes’ ( the tattooed muscle bound meatheads)... so anything more than a casual glance and acceptance of divine beauty is risky!

    Right back to the Romance.... how does that work again????
    dig deep likes this.

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