Hi all... I jotted all this down this morning I felt I had to share as part of my healing process. My story, In a whirlwind few week I have learnt a huge amount about my addiction to porn and my addictions through life... I would like to share my story. I am a forty four year old male .. a family man with an amazing wife and 3 children ages between 13 and 24. I have always for as long as I can remember used porn ... whether from keeping page 3 clippings in a folder to the progression of soft core mags to old vhs video cassettes. I can’t remember why I felt compelled to use pornographic imagery to get aroused ... I was popular with girls when growing up but I was painfully shy and had self confidence issues. I do recall getting aroused whenever near a girl...I just couldn’t control my erections but maybe we were all the same throughout our adolescence? I think back to these times and I believe my additions are deeply rooted here... I play guitar and as with everything through out my life I pursue the things I enjoy with an almost addictive determination. I spent most of my teens sitting in a room practicing guitar... days weeks years playing and learning upto 10 hrs a day where I could. Porn was in my life then but I would never of predicted it would say with me for another 30 years. I had a few relationships some sexual throughout my teens... but pmo was giving me what my brain was telling me I needed... and also freeing time for music. Fast forward to my first long term relationship in my early 20s... at this time in my life I was drinking a lot, I thought nothing of drinking my way through hangovers .. yet another addiction surfacing?... I was also using weed, cocaine extacy, speed at alarmingly increasing regularity... I enjoyed it right? Or so my brain was telling me! I don’t think I was addicted to any of these substances.... I didn’t need them I just enjoyed them... I found ways of getting these things for free... ie selling them as so to have my drugs for free. I maintained work ,set up my own business socialised a lot... I had to to sell the drugs. The relationship eventually broke down ... we weren’t right for each other I told myself.... sex was good no trouble there we just wanted different things in life! This is the first time I felt depression ... wow did porn take a grip in this time. I moved into a bed sit never really went out and watched porn for hours... I also stopped playing guitar my life was draining away. It was in this period I met my now wife... I had noticed her for a while she was Gorgeous but was having a really bad time as her brother was in intensive care dieing from pneumonia due to aids. I remember going out for beer with my dad one evening and it was my future wife’s birthday ... sadly her brother died that night with friends having to break the news understandably she was destroyed no one new what to say to her... but I bought her a drink sat beside her and we talked all night. I moved in with her the next week... against family and friends advice..... everyone was against us on both sides. We talked for hours... put the world to rights and everything felt just right. The drugs stopped almost immediately.... the porn didn’t. Fast forward 18 years we are married 3 wonderful children... it’s not been easy , life isn’t but we are a team. My wife was far more computer knowledgable than I ... she taught me how to use one .... I found online porn and how to clear my browser history very quickly ... a few years later broadband, share sites, smart phones, tablets .porn addiction progressed along with these platforms... in this time with young kids waking in the night and often invading the bedroom sex was often put on hold. I made up for this watching porn. Progressively just as in so many of the stories on this site I became desensitised to what was watching and also noticed the in ability to become aroused easily watching porn. The problem finally hit me when my wife and I went in holiday, without the kids.... finally time to ourselves! I massively failed for the first time to get aroused... I remember feeling physically that something at the back of my brain felt numb that there was a mental block preventing me from getting aroused! I was distraught... why now and what am I going to do? I googled E.D. pills and went to the foreign chemist to buy some... it worked but it wasn’t right... I felt numb down there ... no sensation at all! My wife was understanding but I became extremely anxious when ever we were intimate... she started to question whether I still found her attractive which broke my heart! This was the women I wanted to spend my life with.. the women I loved above all others. The next few years we started to grow apart... I just had no sex drive even when watching Porn I sometimes struggled to get an erection...I watched porn on my phone craving to feel something I was dead down there... I questioned my sexuality was it women that wasn’t turning me on . was I always gay but hid it?... I searched for increasingly hard core things, became obsessed with porn stars. Then .... I found this site! I was in denial for so many years that my porn use was the cause for any of this.... the addiction and it’s damage was done!... I had to reboot hard and quick! I am very lucky that in just 2 weeks of no porn or masturbation... my erections have started returning. First subtley with morning wood to possibly the best sex betwedn my wife and I in many, many years if not ever! I’m still anxious that I won’t be able to perform... but I am making sure and promising myself to be forever free from porn!... and that in its self helps. I don’t know why I have recovered so quickly ...or whether I fully have. But sex with my wife is now a regular thing and it feels so so good! I’m not exaggerating that it has made me feel human again!