My recovery trail

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Webdeveloper, Nov 7, 2016.

  1. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Day 45

    In my life, I stayed sober for no longer than five successive months. A very short time, after all. Why is my longest streak so incredibly short after so many years fighting ? Why haven't I succeded in staying sober ? How to live on without resorting to some toxic behaviours or products ? I could go on with questions, but well...That's a start, innit ?

    Why ? And more importantly, how to make things better for good ?
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2016
  2. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Hey Webdeveloper,

    just a straight answer to your questions, what first pops into my head.

    You can succeed! Yep it is a start. And the why is not important, but you will get the answer if you stay of PMO.

    Determination is key. Realising that it is a life or death decision you are facing. Either the life of an emotionally dead PMO wraith or the magnificant life of a flesh and blood whole human being. Find that 'PMO is not an option' inside. I remind myself of this physically by taking cold showers.

    How to make it permanent? Stay off the PMO! The by product of this is that you will want to become the best version of yourself! I am starting to realise that this journey is an opportunity, I can look at the PMO as a gift in my life, as the PMO addiction is now giving me the impetus to strive for being the best possible version of myself, for the rest of my life. Not many people get to do this...

    The questions are great! :)

    You are doing fantastic! ;)
  3. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    @bobjes > Thanks !

    Now I'm getting worried about what I'm doing...Because it sounds rather strange: fighting to do very common things: working, studying, washing the floor....

    Searching each day for a few drops of vitality when I should be awash with it. Getting on with virtually no drive, no dream no deep meaning and aspiration. What's the point ? What's the point ? Who am I ? What am I doing here ?
    This is ALL VERY STRANGE FINALLY. Everything is getting rusty, every burst of life seems fossilised. I can't go on like this. I'm choking.

    Tell me life is gonna change. I want to see friendship and love and compassion and mutual help and good sex and care and good meals shared with real friends and real family at every turn...

    What I'm living now is simply not possible. This is simply not possible...
    I want to breathe deep and easy. I want to find life.
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2016
  4. jjveetec

    jjveetec Well-Known Member

  5. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    @jjveetec : Thanks pal.

    Day 47

    Checking in.
    Yesterday I browsed through a dating site again. That's harmful. I must muster the strength to stop now.

    I can study and work a little bit more these days. Energy levels are rising slowly. Depression is fading gradually.

    I need to go to DASA (some equivalent of SA) now.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    The meaning finds us. That sounds cryptic, but it really does. Our only job is to stay away from smut; yup, that includes those bullshit dating sites! Stick with the program of no P, no fap. The good things become evident in their own time. Wishing to be normal only leads us back to the sewer. There can be no bargaining, not ever!

    Keep this very important streak alive.
  7. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    What do you mean ? Could you please explain a bit further ?
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I expressed myself awkwardly. I only meant that we have no choice but to fight. Normalcy comes when we've put our days in and allowed the good stuff to inevitably seep in. Our view of what is normal can be a fantasy, at least mine was. I imagined how amazing my life could be if only my wife wasn't a bitch, if only my health was better, if only I'd had better luck...and why was I so lazy? I've found that by staying the course of no P, no M, that my life has turned around in a real way. I shun the little boy that wanted to look at his life with melancholy eyes. So, my view of normal wasn't normal. This might not be what you were saying. Maybe you were just expressing how tough the whole business is.
  9. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Tough and abnormally tough. We shouldn't have to fight to do things (most of the time). We should work, study and wash the floor gladly.
  10. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

  11. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Day 48

    Thanks for your supporting words Bobjes,

    This reboot is the toughest I've gone through so far.

    First my "burn-out period" lasted for a very long time: more than a month of severe exhaustion. Usually, it would last between 10 and 20 days before I find my some strength back. I don't understand why it took so long this time.

    And even now, I still feel rocky. Brain fog and fatigue are coming back easily, if I'm not sleeping ok or if I'm getting stressed out or if I'm taking too much or too little of my meds. Both brain fog and fatigue aren't lasting a long time though. AND, things are getting better anyway. Not as fast as I expected them to, but they're improving. So, as you said, I need to ride the bad times out. And get down to work whenever I can.
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2016
    bobjes likes this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Today I woke up in a fog. I'm over 200 days and there are still days when I feel out of sorts. We aren't just staying off P and away from M, we're changing our lives; this takes time.

    Almost 50 days in the bank, which is bloody awesome!
    Webdeveloper likes this.
  13. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Day 49

    I've been feeling better today. More energy. Less anxiety. Almost no depression.
    Today has been a good day.
  14. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    How do you feel about the idea of quitting porn forever?

    Does it scare you?

    Do you think this has something to do with it?
    Webdeveloper likes this.
  15. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Nice to hear. Even if there may be also worse days ahead, the general trend is upwards.

    Keep going WD. You are doing great!
    Webdeveloper likes this.
  16. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Day 50

    I'm not sure I'm afraid of quitting porn forever. I don't think I'm wary of quitting that compulsion for good.

    Yet, I don't know what life will be afterwards. The change is absolutely tremendous. Everything is different when I don't PMO for a couple of month. First, my brain and my mind don't work in the same way at all. If I stay long enough without resorting to sexual compulsion, I'll be able to do things, to take action. My life will be tranformed; like a lot. And although I keep aspiring to that change, that may scare me at the same time.
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2016
  17. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Although I'm still on an emotional and physical roller coaster, you're right: the trend is upwards, definitely. I tend to forget quickly about withdrawal's plight but...It's like all I could do was lay in bed and watch movies. Couldn't work, couldn't study, couldn't pray, couldn't focus....I was depressed, sometimes badly. I felt weak, I was very vulnerable and I was frightened...It was misery. I was wandering in the limbo, unable to act.

    And when I used to Pmo daily, my life was chaos and hand to mouth survival.

    So yeah, it is better now.
    Thanks for your support Oneway. I can see you're doing pretty good as well. Congratulations.
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2016
  18. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Day 51
    Checking in
    Ok day.
    Loneliness makes me suffer though, and I indulged in some fantasies. That is a slippery slope. I need to be careful: I shouldn't actively fantasize about sex.
  19. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Day 52

    Checking in

    I'm getting little pmo urges. But I'm craving more and more a woman's company. I can't for the moment. I need to recover first.

    As I'm doing more study every day, I'm slackening up on other areas -namely daily chores and recovery work.
    That's not a good strategy. I must rethink how I'm organizing my days.
  20. jjveetec

    jjveetec Well-Known Member

    Why so? Why not give yourself a break from analysing and speculating and just let things happen?

    Why would you need to do anything ?
    What's wrong with slackening? Just relax and loosen up... The illusion of control is one of the most difficult ones to let go....

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