My recovery trail

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Webdeveloper, Nov 7, 2016.

  1. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    My name is John Doe. I'm in my late forties and I'm here because I need to stop acting out and I want to get rid of my sexual addiction.

    Thanks for reading
  2. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    Re: Thump's recovery trail

    Welcome. This is a great place to start. There can be a lot of support here if you engage.
  3. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Thanks Jam, thanks Devnull,

    I appreciate your words of welcome and encouragement.
    Don't have much too say now, except that I've been sober for 6 days after a relapse that lasted 3 weeks.
    I now need to recover from the deep state of exhaustion that strikes me every time I relapse.

    Three things I must do :
    - buy some magnesium
    - devise an emergency plan in case of compelling urges
    - devise an emergency plan in case of a slip
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2016
  4. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Been sober for 11 days. Still not enough energy to live normally.
  5. bak2lyf

    bak2lyf Guest

    @Webdeveloper - are you sure your lack of energy is a result of PMO? I was operating under the same belief lately and then later realized it was primarily due to boredom from work.
  6. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Hi bak2lyf,
    I'm 100% sure. There must be other factors I'm not aware of, but when I get sober for more than 15 days roughly, I get enough energy to deal with my everyday life chores....After a month, I can start working and studying normally. Within a couple of months my focus, motivation, mental clarity, joy and physical stamina all improve a lot, although I still can get depressed.

    But whenever I relapse, after a couple of weeks I lose all motivation and strength. Then, all I can do is going through the motion, listless and confused.

    I bought the magnesium today.
  7. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Snap. I still feel sluggish today.
  8. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Been sober for two weeks now. I'm starting to feel a bit better: I'm regaining a modicum of vitality and mental clarity. But I'm having strong urges. It usually gets easier after the one month mark.

    Tomorrow I'm gonna see my girlfriend...But I'm afraid that sex might mess with my current recovery. I believe I shouldn't have sex for at least three months. That's a problem.

    I'm taking magnesium and sulbutiamine
    Clearly magnesium is a great help for me as it reduces my cravings.
    Sulbutiamine, I'm not sure if it helps. I thinks it does.
  9. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Day 16

    Serious urges today. I nearly relapsed. But I didn't. I'm pretty sure it was because of alcohol. I didn't drink much : a glass of beer, still it proved enough to trigger me bad.

    I can't drink alcohol for the time being. Too dangerous.

    Otherwise, today I'm feeling stronger. More vitality is coming back.
  10. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Can't sleep properly. Money problems woke me up. Anyway, I'm continuously obsessing over something. I can't find any reasonable measure of peace. I think I' m going through depression. Sexual addiction always has been a way to try and medicate some lurking depressive state. And of course it has always made things worse by messing with my brain chemistry. It's been a major drain on my vitality and a way to escape reality. When I don't do pmo the behavioural inhibition is partly lifted. Which is great. Really. But I keep on feeling powerless, sad and and obsessive. Actually, when I don't do pmo and when I stop obsessing over sex and women, I feel the pain more acutely and I'm left without a way to blunt it. Currently I'm definitely having a fit of depression.
  11. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    I know...After two months of sobriety things get better and easier. They really do. After three months YOU start to change remarkably. You're right : sobriety makes possible to recover parts of you that are so good that the effort is totally warranted.
    But man, it is tough...And I need to stop being foolish and complacent: I can't afford to go near the edge lest I should fall again.
  12. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Day 18

    Before my last relapse I had built up some decent strength. It's amazing how quickly I can get depleted. That pmo thing is now making me weak and ill each time I relapse. Lately, my pattern has been:
    - sobriety for a couple of months / relapse for a couple of weeks. Wash, rinse, repeat.

    During my relapses I ended up binging. So far I haven't been able to keep it to the initial slip, which usually is masturbation without visual support. Once I slip, I feel compelled to do it again... Until I kind of revel in long pmo binge sessions. I then lose most of my energy...And I start another one month withdrawal period.

    During the first two weeks of sobriety I'm like paralysed: sluggish, listless, confused, very low energy, depressed (sometimes badly). Can't study, can't work, can't do sport, can't take part in social gatherings, won't go out of the house if it can be helped. It's a very bad state to be in.

    Then I begin to regain some energy and strength, slowly. After roughly a month I can function again...a little bit.

    Two months mark : decent focus.

    Three months mark: dysthymia not as prevalent, depression goes away for days, focus becomes GOOD.

    Unfortunately, after two or three months I have a slip and then I relapse again.
    Need to end that cycle and remain sober.

    My longest sober time was 5 months and a few days...
    That's pretty short...I wonder what changes I will enjoy when I succeed in staying sober for a year, two years...Can I actually live outside that nefarious system ?
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2016
  13. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Devnull>After 3 months of sobriety, my focus greatly improved, I got stronger and I had more control over my urges.

    Yes I have long term life goals. My first step is to get the mental and physical means that are needed to reach these goals. So now, I need to stop pmo. I just cannot do anything properly when I'm pmo-intoxicated.

    Day 19
    At the moment I lack focus and my drive is still missing as well. It's taking longer than usual for me to recover.

    I began to study again (2h15mn) after more than one month interruption due to my relapse.
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2016
  14. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    20 day

    Yesterday I started to obsess over my so far wasted life. I wonder how I could be so stupid, so careless, so sick. A lot of self-resentment and self-hatred there.

    I've obviously have been self sabotaging my whole life in addition to being vulnerable to many kinds of predation. I need to readdress the problem in the most actionable manner possible.

    My energy level is still low but gradually increasing.
    Today, I'll try to do more than yesterday.
  15. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Hi WD, From experience I know that those negative feelings are really a burden. Past is something we can't change. Future we create today with our choices.

    You seem to be familiar with the process of staying away from PMO and what to expect to come.
    Just keep at it and you'll create yourself a bright 8) new future.
  16. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Hi, Oneway
    Yeah I know you're right but I can't help it.

    21 days

    Some urges.
    I feel lonely.
    I eat too much and I feel like smoking (I used to be a smoker; I stopped).
    I subscribed to some online coaching service about my sexual addiction issue.
    Some work done yesterday : I studied 3hours.

    I need to set an actionable morning routine, plan ahead my weeks and days in my agenda, study everyday, do sport.
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2016
  17. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Day 22

    In the early morning very bad feelings of depression that usually ease as the day goes by.
    Temptation is still very present.
  18. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Wd, every temptation will pass. Also the depressed feeling comes and goes. I think it is related to our brain finding new balance without porn.

    Just think how you felt after last time you PMO:d. It is not worth it!
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Keep 'er rolling, Webdeveloper. As you know the pay off to staying clean is immense!
  20. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Thanks guys.

    Feel better this evening. Mind clarity is much better tonight.
    And I cried, which for me is a much better sign than keeping everything bottled up or worse PMOing myself into oblivion.
    Just need to be careful not to get lost in sadness.
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2016

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