My recovery journal- 39, married

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by imcomingback, Aug 5, 2015.

  1. imcomingback

    imcomingback New Member

    2015 0805 (14 days)
    I'm going to use this journal to help document my struggle and recovery from whatever this thing is that is affecting me. I should start with a little background, and then get into what I am doing about it, and from there I can begin to chart my progress. I'm going to write in this every day until things are better.

    First, where I began: I have NEVER had this problem, never, not ever before. I could get hard with a slight breeze, and could fuck for hours, any day, any time. I think I had a little trouble getting it up once or twice, probably due to alcohol, drugs or the combination of the two, and it fucked with my head somehow. So now whenever we are intimate, my mind just is stuck in a loop. "Will I be hard enough? Will I please her the way I want to? She's looking at me...she's getting annoyed that I can't. This sucks. Please be hard enough… Come on, show her you’re a man! Come on! Come on! COME ON!” By now she is also saying, “Come on, baby, fuck me, please, I NEED it!” And then of course it doesn't happen, because I'm stuck in my head instead of focusing on the beautiful, sexy woman in front of me, who is begging me to fuck her. And I can't. I just can't right now.

    The doctor says all my levels are normal with Testosterone, etc., so this is nothing chemical. It's all in my head, and that's the hardest kind of issue to beat. I've been there before trying to beat depression, and it took a long time to get out of the negative feedback loop that it’s so easy to get into.

    I've been looking around on the Internet for resources, and have found some. I am trying things out a month at a time to see if there is a combination of supplements that will help me get my confidence back. The doctor will prescribe me Stendra if I ask him to; he gave me some samples when I first told him I was having trouble, and they definitely work, but over the course of a month seemed to gradually work less well, and by the end I think my mental block interfered enough that they lost effectiveness. I mean, the first time I took a pill, we had sex, I came, and then we had sex four more times (I think we spent an hour and half fucking, which was even longer than before I had problems). We even had sex twice more the next day! The next time it lasted that whole night, and we had sex three or four times. Subsequent times, I still got plenty hard, but we might only have sex twice, and i had difficulty coming sometimes (which wasn’t terrible, because then I could keep going, but still unnerving). The last few pills only would really work for one time, two if i was lucky, but usually when I came that would be the end of it. So I know the pills work, but they are expensive and I also don't want to be dependent on some pill to get hard for my wife…I don’t want to plan when to have sex, I want to just take her when I want her! So right now I am taking 4g of Arginine a day, and 1600mg of Citrulline. When I finish the Arginine, I will just take the Citrulline, and add in something else, probably pycnogenol. (I’ve already been taking the Arginine for two weeks, and the more I read the more I am finding that Citrulline is the way to go if I really want to help my NO production). I don’t even know that I need this stuff, but if it can make me even harder than before when it comes back, I’m into that.

    I have also increased my working out. I am going to get my body in the best shape I can, and everything else will follow. I have to believe that. So I am going to work up to four workouts a week, and two runs. Right now I have managed three per week these past two weeks, and I will start with the running this weekend. (Just gotta get back on that horse; it’s been a couple of months.)

    Finally, I have been trying to find out what could have triggered this in the first place. I found lots of supplement information looking at ED resources that seem to mostly be targeted to older guys in poor health (yeah, that feels great, to be looking at message boards for 50 and 60 year olds when I’m 38), but I found the most stuff about young guys having porn-induced erectile dysfunction and beating it, and that inspired me somewhat. I am not the poster child for PIED, because I'm not hooked on porn, but the more I think about it, the more I definitely was a compulsive masturbator. I used to get up in the morning and jerk off almost immediately. Why? I can even remember the dopamine rush I used to get. I don't remember when I stopped feeling it, but that may have been years ago now that I’m thinking about it. So there I was, still subconsciously trying to get it back, when that’s the opposite of what I should have done. Did I look at some porn over all those years? Yeah, I sure did, especially when I was single. But I am not addicted to it; I don’t need to have it. I could always get hard and jerk off without it...but the thing that makes me think I have something similar is that I would still be fantasizing while I did it, even though it was about my wife. And the "edging" behavior that some describe on the PIED boards is definitely something I have done.

    So here's how I think I fucked up my cock for a while: when my wife turned 30 last year, she definitely hit the dirty thirties. We started revving each other up a lot more through physical contact, text messages, dirty talk in bed, new sex positions, etc., and just having a lot more sex. It was truly amazing, and it's where we will get back to someday. But the problem was that this extra rush I was getting drove me over the edge masturbation-wise. There were times I would be home alone and would edge for long periods of time. I didn't always use the "death grip" they describe, but I probably did some, and I can understand how this would desensitize me. I read a ton of erotica then, because I was so horny for her I couldn’t help myself. And over a few months, I desensitized my body both to the dopamine and to sensation in my cock. This is my fault. So there is a "reboot and rewire" that the PIED sites suggest. Basically, no porn (not hard), no masturbation (harder), and some of them say no orgasms. I am getting conflicting reports, because some of the guys with PIED are in committed relationships, and they say that having a partner who is patient and understanding will go a long way and can fix things faster. They say that if you can have sex, you should try to. So I am hoping this is true, and that she will want to continue to try with me.

    I am heartbroken over where we are now. She isn't very attracted to me, which shows on her face. I'm really depressed, because I want her so bad, but I also know it's my fault. Everything would be better if my dick would work. We have zero marital issues at all, and two incredible kids, and I know she does still love me, because she tells me so, and I can tell she means it (she’s a terrible liar). But still, she looks at me lately like I'm just some guy who lives here, instead of a man who wants to rip her clothes off all the time (which I do). Our sex life had never been hotter. She was even writing erotica for me, about us, which was something incredible. I've always enjoyed reading it, and it was hot to read things and then do them to her...but maybe I took it too literally, took matters into my own hands, and this is what started that problem. I was also reading it alone and taking care of myself…big mistake. It should have just been a hot thing we did together.

    So the counter says how long it has been since I started this. I haven't looked at or read anything stimulating, haven't masturbated, and I'm taking those extra supplements and working out hard. My wife and I have tried to have sex on a couple of occasions. Last Monday I was randomly hard (a full 100%!), just from kissing and grabbing her ass, so we had some really quick sex (quick because we immediately went to the penetration part without much foreplay, and also because when I got inside her I don't even think I lasted 30 seconds). We tried it again on Saturday, and she had a good time because I made my focus on pleasing her, but I barely got hard enough to penetrate, about 50-60% at best, and then came after about 10 seconds. I keep reading that this is to be expected, that some prematures will happen, because when you refocus on the partner rather than the fantasy of them, the real thing feels so much better it's like you're sixteen again. It still sucks and doesn't help my confidence any (or hers).

    I am noticing a few positive signs already, though. First, I hadn't noticed, but my morning wood had sort of gone away. For a few months before this I wasn't really waking up with an erection, which used to happen every day without fail. I'd wake up with perhaps the biggest boner of the day, and it would sometimes be difficult to pee because it was so big. Now it's coming back. I wake up some mornings now with it again, maybe a third of the time, and sometimes I wake up at night and notice I'm hard. So the equipment still works. I am not getting hard yet from it, but I do notice a pleasing rush of blood to my genitals when I am looking at my wife, or talking to her about something hot. I feel a little motion down there sometimes and sometimes even get a semi, like 50%, which I am taking as a positive sign. The Arginine, but particularly the Citrulline, has helped some. Even though it's not hard now, it feels quite firm even limp, more so than a couple of weeks ago. I bet the next time I get hard it will be rock solid...we'll see.

    Two weeks in. I am really depressed, and really angry, and really hoping this thing works, because right now it's like nothing is happening down below, even when I want it to. I could always do things on my own, but that's the cop out that got me here in the first place. I need to win my wife back. She says she is not going anywhere, and I believe her, but I hate the toll this is taking on her too. And I hate the way she looks at me now. I want her to undress me with her eyes like she used to. But that's going to take some patience on both our parts. I am in what they call the "flatline" now, where I am having a drop in libido and in my function for a while as things rewire and my sensitivity comes back. I read lots and lots of recovery stories out there, and they all say it's possible. Guys like me with far worse problems, who now can have sex every day and it's no problem, multiple times a day even. That's where I used to be, and so that's where I can be again. I just need the patience and willpower to get through this, as there's not really a set time frame. Some guys get over it in a month, some take six months or more. The difference in time on the PIED websites also seems to have something to do with how much high speed internet porn you watched and jerked off to. Since I'm older and haven't had it my whole life, I am not one of the worst cases, but I still got my own struggle to get through. But reading success stories, I know it's possible. I just need to wait. My wife suggested that we back it off a bit and have dates, and say no sex for a bit. I can't believe I said ok, but I think it might be what I need for a little while (at least until things start working again down there). But she is reassuring, because she also smiled at me and said that when it's time, we'll know it (and that brought the warm rush down below that I'm getting used to all over again).

    The new program to win back my wife is called Fuck Like a 20-Year Old. The rules are:
    1. Four workouts a week
    2. Two runs a week
    3. Extra supplement combination at least until this is over.
    4. No masturbation, period.
    5. Take control. No more passivity. You are better and stronger than that.
    6. Date my wife. Romance her. Make her realize why she was so attracted to me, even before we had sex. Rediscover why she is the most amazing woman ever, and the parts will follow.

    The goal is: I will plug myself wholly and completely into my wife and all the things she is and can be and do. We'll be able to have sex every night if we want to, and it will be no problem, because I will be back, and better than ever. I will be a better man in every way when this is over.

  2. imcomingback

    imcomingback New Member

    Re: My recovery journal

    2015 0806 (15 days)
    Last night, a couple of really positive signs. I got about 60% hard just talking with my wife about some kinda steamy stuff. Twice in an hour! We’re watching the show Masters of Sex, about the researchers Masters and Johnson. I know what you’re thinking: way too much stimulation, and there is plenty of nudity and sex on that show. But it’s really kind of clinical in some ways, and although I might feel a little blood rush occasionally, I don’t think it’s any kind of risk, because I haven't felt tempted to do anything about it, and I don't seem to be storing new memories of that kind of thing. Weird for me, but also awesome. If I can shut off the thing in my brain that creates the fantasy, I can just focus on the real lady in front of me. Honestly, I got hotter having a conversation with her about something in the show than any effect the show had. But it’s hard to watch sometimes, because there is a guy just like me on the show, suffering from pretty inexplicable ED (well, I do think I have a pretty good idea what caused mine). Watching this guy go through all that frustration and seeing it on the faces of the women he’s with just makes me think about my situation, and I find a reason to leave the room for a minute.

    Morning wood is a little softer today, more like 50-60%, but I did wake up a couple of times in the night and notice I was hard too, so that’s positive. No lifting today, but I’m going to run later.

    Insomnia is a bitch. I stayed awake for a while last night, just staring at the ceiling and waiting for sleep. Do other guys notice this too? I felt tired enough, but nothing was happening, and I think I laid there for an hour or even two. Weird thing is, I still slept pretty well. I was worried that 5 am was going to come way too early today, but I feel pretty well rested. I didn’t have any urges to masturbate, or anything like that, which was also weird since that was one of the ways I used to help myself go to sleep when I had trouble like this. As a past sufferer of depression, I am pretty used to not sleeping especially well, but my sleep had been much better over the past several years. Until I started this. I’m hoping it’s temporary.

    I have to get out of my head. It’s pretty hard to think about much else besides this sometimes, and I know that’s exactly what I need to not do. Staying as busy as I can to counteract this. The more I hyper-analyze this the longer it will take. Get on the bus, man…just gotta keep moving, and things will realign as they are supposed to. I have to believe that.

    And an update a couple of hours later: I'm working from home today, so I am getting work done in between minding the kids. My wife has a professional development thing she's presenting at today, and came downstairs looking really pretty. I told her so, and as we talked and kissed a little before she left I got to about 50%, just from talking, holding her around the waist (not even bodies touching!) and a couple of kisses with her looking into my eyes. It's happening. Slowly, so painfully slowly, but I am rebooting/rewiring.

    I'm ecstatic to see things happening, even slowly, because it reinforces my hope that this will work. And my wife seems excited about it too. I know she can't wait to get it back either.

  3. imcomingback

    imcomingback New Member

    Day 16

    2015 0807 (16 days)
    So…my wife got her nose pierced last night. I had long thought it would look really hot on her, and told her so, and last night she decided to go get it done. It looks just as good as I imagined. But the best part is that she did it for me. I’m not being selfish about this, but just when I was worrying about how she really felt about me right now, she goes out and does this. I can tell she is still in this to win it. Plus, now I’m not fantasizing about her with this, because it’s right in front of me for real now! She came home and I got to a good 60% several times, just from looking at her.

    I had a little morning wood today, about 50-60%. Still not great, but at least it’s there.

    I am definitely seeing the effects of those amino acids I’ve been taking. They are definitely helping with muscle tone with the workouts. Of course, that’s not why I was really taking them, but it’s a nice side effect. They’re not helping with getting/keeping erections per se, but even limp, there’s a bunch of new definition to it. Even limp, my dick feels like a steel cable, or a garden hose…very little give. Like I said, when I do get hard, it’s going to be rock solid- maybe even more than before.

    This is going slowly. Gotta stay positive…little steps are still steps.
  4. imcomingback

    imcomingback New Member much more of this is there?

    2015 0808 (17 days)
    Disappointing moment yesterday afternoon. The kids were napping and I was off work. We had just gone to the local farm to pick some fruits and vegetables, and were sweaty, so when we put the kids down for a nap we got in the shower together. I was excited about this, because usually when she wants to get in the shower together it also means she wants to fool around a bit. So I of course sabotaged the whole thing by not being able to get out of my head. “Hey, she wants to get naked with me…maybe something is going to happen. I really want to be hard so she can see it…I want her to see how hard I am.” And of course i didn’t manage to get more than about 30%.

    I HAVE TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD. How do you guys do it?

    Morning wood today about 30%. Ups and downs, I guess.

    However, I am having sex dreams. A LOT of them. All about my wife, which is awesome, but then I wake up with a halfie and can’t do anything about it.

    I’m not tempted at all to masturbate, or anything. Mostly I really just want to have sex with my wife, but my anatomy is not cooperating. Believe me, the desire is there, especially now. But my parts aren’t cooperating. She reassured me again after the shower incident that she’ll be waiting when I am ready. But dammit, this is going really slowly. Can’t we just skip to the end?
  5. Re: My recovery journal- 38, married

    If you can't get out of your head - use it to your advantage. Turn the inner dialogue in on itself. Instead of doubting yourself, create a though narrative that cheerleads for you and eggs you on.

    I'm a bit of an exhibitionist, so everytime my wife and I get it on - I imagine there is a crowd of women around giving us on. Silly example, but you get my drift.
  6. imcomingback

    imcomingback New Member

    Re: My recovery journal- 38, married

    Not a bad idea...I'll have to see if that works.
  7. imcomingback

    imcomingback New Member

    in a low spot...any wise words? Help!

    2015 0809 (18 days)
    I guess this is what the flatline is really like. Morning wood about 30%, and no response from looking at/kissing/touching/whatever. And she looks SO good. I want to be all over her, but I don't have it in me today. And I don't think she would believe me if I did come on to her..,

    I know this is to be expected. I've read it over and over again from other guys. But now I know why so many guys relapse after a few weeks...THIS SUCKS. I know I can do this, but come on guys, I could use a little support right about now. I am not going to slip, but I am really depressed. I need some encouragement to keep going.

    Guys, I know it gets better, but I need to hear it from you today. I'm in a real low spot. Please help.
  8. Re: My recovery journal- 38, married

    You'll need to be patient with your body until it's there for you again. Reboots and recoveries are far from linear.

    As far as managing the relationship with your wife, I have found that as long as she understands what you are going through you can take the attention off your cock and still be intimate with her. Most women really need to know that they are desired. When you fail to get 100% hard, it can send the signal that you don't find her desirable which is really frustrating. Talk to her, and if your body fails - just do other things while still sending the signal that you are very attracted to her.

    Easier said than done but it's worked in my relationship and added some really great options for how we can be intimate, without relying on an erection and conventional sex.
  9. Re: My recovery journal- 38, married

    The other thing I meant to mention is that reboots, and your overall health, will really benefit from a cleaned up diet. By that I mean cutting out all processed foods and avoiding sugar and refined carbs like the plague. Most diet/nutrition advice is very flawed. Eating whole/natural foods, limiting carb intake to non refined carbs and 20% of claoric intake, and eliminating ALL sugar will go a long way to improving your health and helping with your reboot.
  10. imcomingback

    imcomingback New Member

    Re: My recovery journal- 38, married

    Thanks for the advice. As far as nutrition goes, we're already there, and have been for a while. And my wife is indeed very's just that I can see so much sadness on her face, and I know this is at least as painful for her. We're just really in the throes of it right now, you know? I still believe this will work, but I can't see the other side of the tunnel yet. Thanks for the helps.
  11. imcomingback

    imcomingback New Member

    mixed blessings

    2015 0810 (19 days)
    Morning wood about 30-50% today. Not great. But woke up early and snuggled with my wife a bit, and got to about 70% just by holding her and smelling her hair. Sounds weird perhaps, but this is what I need to rewire, I think. Haven't had wood I had to adjust my pants for in a couple of weeks.

    Still not fighting any urges at all. Flatline for sure. Oh, I still want her...a lot. But I don't really feel the drive to follow through.
  12. imcomingback

    imcomingback New Member

    I just want it back.

    I just want to get it back.
    I just want to get out of my head.
    I just want to fuck my wife. Hell, she wants me to fuck her and isn't shy about saying so.
    When is this going to feel like anything is getting better?

    I'm not tempted to do anything to myself at all, but I sure want a normal response. Do I just give in and go get some boner pills from the doc as a band-aid? Will that destroy my progress?

    Somebody hit me up with some wisdom.
  13. Re: My recovery journal- 38, married

    Look man... at 15-20 days - you are in the heart of your flatline. You are taking the right approach, but these things take time.

    Want a quick fix? Don't get boner pills. Have her dress up all hot, go get a drink in a nice lounge and end up in a hotel room. The change of scenery will do wonders for your libido. Just stop obessing over it. That or porn are probably the worst things you can do.

  14. imcomingback

    imcomingback New Member

    Good news and bad news...

    2015 0811 (20 days)
    Good news...I woke up a couple of times in the night with a pretty strong erection, like 90%! But in the morning, not so much. More like 50% at best.

    Bad news is the flatline is still raging.

    I think what will really signal to me that things are improving is the return of spontaneous erections. Like I've written before, several months back I could get hard with a slight breeze. Just a little sexy talk from my wife and I would be ready to go. That hasn't happened in several weeks now. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited that morning wood is coming back. I used to wake up with a baseball bat every morning, and I do miss it now that I think about it. But that never really helped me to have sex with my wife...not like just being able to sport wood whenever I wanted!

    Hey others, when did yours begin to respond on their own again? Mine used to be really quick and easy (sometimes annoyingly so!)...but right now it's just dead.

    Talked with my wife about the pills. She is reticent like I am about it, but we both really need to have sex any way we can. We both miss the intimacy, and both of us are depressed over it. I would do anything to help her get through this.

    I know deep down this is all in my head. I need to get over the anxiety, and that will fix the rest. As far as any addiction, I think I beat that. No MO, and no desire to (I'm not addicted to P, just a compulsive M). I just need the confidence boost while I am getting the rewiring done. Shit, if I'd known I was going to do this kind of damage to myself and my marriage I would have quit the day I met her.

    Easternpromise, I really do get what you're saying...but even that approach has failed for us in the last several weeks. We did the hot date/hotel combination and it still failed in the moment (although it worked a little the next morning). I know the reboot has happened, since I am way flatlined. But if I can help the rewire with a little confidence booster that I know I can gradually get off of as I get more confident and my stuff comes back to life...for real this time...?

    I just can't make her suffer anymore.
  15. imcomingback

    imcomingback New Member

    21 days...BIG changes!

    2015 0812 (21 days)
    BIG breakthrough today. Had wood about 70%ish when I woke up in the night (I have mild sleep apnea, so I wake up partially several times a night), but when I woke up this morning...oh, buddy. I had a full-on, 100%, baseball bat, tuck-it-in-yer-waistband kind of morning wood.

    I can't remember the last time that happened.

    Got up super early with my wife to work out before I had to go to work, and was pleasantly surprised with some 50-70% wood when I was watching her from my weight bench. And she wanted to shower with me afterward, where the same thing continued. We didn't get sexy or anything, but I just focused on how much I have always wanted her (rather than on my cock getting hard like I have been the past several weeks), and was rewarded with some unconscious movement. Not everything I hoped for, but she was really pleased. I told her about the baseball bat and she was REALLY pleased...

    Today is a good day. 21 days in, and it's the first time I really feel positive energy. I have a history of depression, but beat it just after college with medication and several years of weekly counseling. I was able to get off the medication and "fix my issues" through lifestyle changes and a different, more positive outlook. Do I still feel a little bit of the manic-depressive cycle in my moods? Sure I do. But I've always been able to talk myself through it and get out...the ups and downs are still there, but smaller and more manageable. Still, I remember what despair feels like, that you can't climb out of. I was down in a hole there for a while, but I think maybe I am starting to make out the end of the tunnel. I believe more and more that this is working...which is building my confidence, which makes it work better. You see where I'm headed...

    Called my doc yesterday asking for the pill prescription, and he wants to see me, so I have an appointment tomorrow. Makes sense. Not to nerd out too much, but so far I have only tried Stendra, because it's what he had samples of at the time. However, I've been trying to read up on all the ED drugs out there, and seems like Stendra lasts only about 6 hours. It's awesome in that it makes you super horny and ready to go in minutes, but I think that takes all the spontaneity out of it. I want the confidence to know my stuff will work whenever we get the urge...sounds like I need more of a slow burn. Cialis is supposed to last up to 36 hours, and be "on demand," so maybe I will talk to him about that.

    Guys, any opinions on Cialis? I'm only planning on a temporary thing and then weaning myself off it as my anxiety goes away, but 36 hours of effectiveness might help me through this whole process of rebooting/rewiring, considering the progress I am seeing already. And once this recovery process is finished I will be back and better than ever, so no need for the pills.

    Some findings about the supplements I've been taking after a few weeks: the Citrulline is awesome. Taking a couple of the 800 mg pills once or twice a day has made a noticeable difference in the muscle tone I'm getting. I am working back into a workout routine I haven't had in several years, but even when I was doing that I don't think I looked this cut. The definition after about a month is fantastic, and I am building muscle mass faster than usual too. And she notices...

    I started taking it for the ED effects, so let's talk about those. Even limp, I feel like I have more thickness, and dare I say's pretty solid to the touch in the middle where all the blood vessels are, none of that wet noodle bullshit. And this morning's wood may have been one of the biggest I've ever had, the giant purple swollen kind that only usually happens once in a while when things are really hot. I think I may keep taking the Citrulline when this is over for both of these benefits.

    I also noticed on the walk from the train station to my office that I am getting checked out by the ladies again, which was decidedly not happening a few weeks ago. I had a smile on my face on the street, and smiled back at them when I noticed them looking, which is also something I don’t always do. I dunno if it’s my positive outlook, or that I look good today…I’m going with a little of both. It’s AMAZING what a little confidence down below does for the confidence up above. Now I really do only have eyes for my wife, but I’m also not a robot! It does a lot for my confidence to get looked up and down by a pretty girl on the street!

    Guys, stick with it. Leave your cock alone and it will get better. I know it's working for me...
  16. imcomingback

    imcomingback New Member


    2015 0813 (22 days)

    We had sex last night. Not our longest, or our best, but WE. HAD. SEX. It's been a couple of weeks. And she said last night AND this morning that it was good too, so she's not just bullshitting me (I mentioned before that she's a terrible liar). We were talking a little sexy, and I just went for her. I pounced on her and in that moment was focused on nothing else but how awesome it was just to be there with her and listen to her breathing and smell her and kiss her...and it worked. My dick’s not shriveled anymore like it was, and wood during the night was pretty good, about 70%. None this morning, but our kid also woke up with a bad dream at about 4:30, and I get up at 5, so I didn't have a chance to fall back asleep and get it either.

    Last week I couldn't get hard with my dick in her hand. Hell, I couldn't get hard with my dick in my OWN hand! But last night, she looked good, and we talked a little sexy, and I said "Fuck it. I want her now and I'm not waiting any longer." And that's how I think my libido diminished in me somehow over all those years of too much M. It's so gradual you don't notice it happening, but I have to say now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, things look way different on the other side. When my libido is 100% back, I will indeed, as my plan says, fuck like a 20 year old, because it is going to go through the roof and be like when we first met all over again. It’s like a distant rumble, but it’s there. I can best describe it with a movie reference: In the first Hulk movie (the super dark one that Ang Lee directed), Bruce Banner is describing how it feels to know this presence is lurking inside him, and describes the pounding he feels.

    “I had the most vivid dream. It was like being born. Coming up for air. Light hitting my face. Screaming. My was, like, boom...boom…Boom."

    Not like I would ever be a violent man in any way, but the idea that there could be an animal just lurking beneath the surface, that I can unleash any time she and I want it, is an awesome thought.

    This means two things:
    1. My libido is back, and flatline is rapidly disappearing.
    2. I am getting past the anxiety.

    Things went fast...not a lot of foreplay (because I was still nervous I might lose it and disappoint her) and I came within about 2 minutes of penetration. I'm not going to lie, I am not completely over the anxiety. But guys, I cannot stress enough how important it is to have a partner who is informed and committed to helping you. What revved me up enough to pounce on her in the first place was that I had told her I liked the supplements because my muscle tone was amazing all of a sudden, and she told me to take off my shirt. It was about when she ran her hand over my abs and went "Damn, baby, your muscles..." that I was all over her. When I went in a few minutes later I was probably about 70-80%, and there was a moment I was starting to get back in my head and maybe lose it a little. But this is where a partner comes in...I think she noticed, because she started telling me I was strong, and she loves my new muscles, and that she was so glad I'm back. And then I did get hard all the way, and we went strong until I came and it subsided a couple of minutes later. Having someone in your corner, if you can, is KEY.

    I have no desire to M whatsoever. But I sure want to do that again. Better.

    Refractory period right now feels long. I am just now feeling it waking up a bit as I reminisce about last night, so I don't know if I would have been able to go again if we had tried. But then again, I didn't go into last night thinking there was any chance I was going to have sex either. Guess maybe we’ll try this weekend and see what happens. It will only get better.

    Maybe I got complacent over the years when I always had M as a fallback. "If I wasn’t getting enough, there was always Lefty." That line of reasoning is bullshit, because it made me lazy and not want to go after it as much as I now know she would like me to, and as I am capable of. After last night being even a moderate success, I want to go after a lot more of it. I do feel like I'm awakening again in a way, more aware of my body and hers, and way more feeling like a MAN. Not any bro-macho bullshit, but I mean confident, and strong, and capable, and if I want to have sex I damn well will. Hell yeah. That’s what I’m talking about.

    But the best part of all: the fog is gone. I wondered what you guys were talking about with brain fog, and I hadn't known it was there...until it suddenly lifted. And it wasn't just over me, but over my wife too, and like a curtain between us. And that, guys, is what real depression feels like. I just remembered the old feelings; some of you guys are fortunate enough that you haven’t been really depressed before, and don’t recognize the feeling. We just went through the motions of loving each other for a few weeks, and it hurt both of us...a lot. But the sex reconnected us. When we were talking as we washed up after, everything was brighter and more vivid, and we talked and laughed and touched each other in the kind of active conversation we've missed for a while. And we did this morning too. My breakfast tasted better, and the sunshine was brighter. Guys, I know this sounds like some kind of flowery, weird, dramatic nonsense, but my whole world changed when we had sex again and I could perform, and when I got up this morning something is different in me. I love today.

    We’re back. I’M back.
  17. imcomingback

    imcomingback New Member

    Still progressing

    2015 0814 (23 days)

    Morning wood is averaging about 70-80%. It’s lessened a bit since we had sex, but is recovering. I guess right after the reboot this must take longer to bounce back. At least it seems that way for me. It’s not dead down there or anything, still responsive for sure, but not as woody in the morning as it was the few days before. I am looking forward to the full-on returning every morning. I didn’t realize it, but I have indeed missed that barometer of manliness that I took for granted!

    I’m bigger when at rest now too…nice to see a little visual cue that I’m recovering. The turtle has come back out of his shell, and things look pretty normal. Might even be a little bigger than before (supplements? new, better libido coming back? I dunno).

    The doc gave me a prescription for Cialis. A “month’s supply” although I won’t be taking them every day. Daily people take this for prostate issues, which I don’t have. For ED issues, it’s supposed to be effective up to 36 hours. I told the doc I am definitely getting better, and we both agreed that in the short term having me build up as many positive experiences as I can will help me get over the lingering anxiety. The fact that the pills will also help me be full-on 100% erect will help with the other stuff…there are things my wife and I have been missing out on since my stuff stopped working properly and are very excited to get back to! The pills will be in this afternoon, and we have a dinner date at home tonight, so I’m going to try this stuff out. Now I know this process isn’t predictable, or always linear, but if I am going to have 30 pills, and they are supposed to be effective for 36 hours, and I’m gradually trying to get myself off this stuff…I bet if I took one every three days or so, I would get the effects but it would also enable me to do it on my own sometimes, and I bet I might not even notice when the pills were gone, since by then it would be 90 days from now!

    But really the pills are about positive reinforcement. I know after two nights ago that I can have sex again, and it’s successful and good, but not quite 100% yet. Now it could still be better, and it will only get that way as I heal more and more…but this will definitely help get me over that last psychological hill and across the finish line.
  18. imcomingback

    imcomingback New Member

    What a weekend

    2015 0817 (26 days)

    What a weekend…I did indeed see the doctor and get a prescription. He gave me Cialis, the lowest dose available. He even had a voucher so I could get 30 for free, if i took it to the pharmacy. Anyway, he agreed with my idea that I’m almost back, and having several more positive experiences will only reinforce that, as I am healing from this. I don’t think he necessarily buys into the whole idea that this place is talking about, but he definitely supported the reboot, and says he advises other people to do the same when they are having problems: “Just leave it alone for a while, and the desire and everything will come back on its own. In the absence of any other health risk factors, it’s all in your head.” Since these things are supposed to last up to 36 hours, I am not even going to need to take one every day. So every few days I will take one, and stuff will happen, and eventually I won’t know if it’s me or the meds, so I’ll stop taking them. (However, this prescription has three refills in the next year. Even when I don’t NEED them anymore, we might get a refill just for fun down the line…they are mighty fun.)

    So I know I said I was going to write in this every day, but with a weekend like this I had too much good stuff going on to have time to write in here. Which is awesome. That’s a big part of how I am getting better; if I don’t have time to write here, it’s because life is taking too much time for me to have dick problems!

    Friday night I grilled steaks, and she made potatoes, and we opened a bottle of champagne, and then a bottle of red from the cellar (we visit wineries often on our travels, so we have 20-30 special bottles we save for special occasions, as opposed to everyday wine, which mostly seems to come from Trader Joe’s). My wife was really happy that we had successful sex on Thursday, so we decided to make it a date night and keep that good feeling going. I mentioned before that not only is my libido coming back hugely, but my desire for my wife is so much greater now than it has been in a long time; it’s like when we were first dating. So we ate outside, with torchlight, and it was excellent, and hot in a way our date nights haven’t been in a while. I took one of the pills just after dinner and we just sat outside and finished most of our bottle. We went inside when we started to get bit, and it wasn’t long before we were going into the other room off the family room and tearing each other’s clothes off. I know that the boner pills are supposed to help with blood flow, etc., but for me, I feel like they just make me so horny I forget about anything standing in the way and go for it. So we did it twice in a row, with a refractory period of about 10-15 minutes in between.

    Saturday I woke up with the giant baseball bat morning wood. In the afternoon, nap time was play time again, and we did it again. I may have been under the influence of the pill still, but had no trouble at all. And I have had three orgasms out of three times, which hasn’t happened in a while. Even though I might be having a little help, I am getting better underneath it all.

    Sunday we had a barbecue with friends and their kids, and we made almost everything from scratch, so we were really busy. That night as we lay in bed I just reached over, and kissed and stroked her a little, and she got a little hot, and I got a full-on 100% for her. We really did need to go to bed, so we had to stop it there (it was quite late after our party, and we were getting up early to work out, and it was the kids’ first day of school tomorrow, etc.), but I am pretty sure that was 100% me down there, and not any pill. If I took it Friday, it wouldn’t still be working Sunday night.

    I am gonna wait a bit and see what happens before I take another one. But she likes them a lot, since they pretty much unleash the beast as soon as I take one. I might wait a day or two and see what happens in-between. We’re pretty hot for each other right now, since sex has returned, so that’s definitely helping with EVERYTHING.
  19. DiscoDaddy

    DiscoDaddy New Member

    Re: My recovery journal- 38, married

    Great report. Glad things are improving for you!
  20. imcomingback

    imcomingback New Member

    Re: My recovery journal- 38, married

    They sure are. I'm a skeptic by nature, so I came into this with plenty of trepidation. But if it works for me, I am confident that it will work for anyone!

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