2015 0805 (14 days) I'm going to use this journal to help document my struggle and recovery from whatever this thing is that is affecting me. I should start with a little background, and then get into what I am doing about it, and from there I can begin to chart my progress. I'm going to write in this every day until things are better. First, where I began: I have NEVER had this problem, never, not ever before. I could get hard with a slight breeze, and could fuck for hours, any day, any time. I think I had a little trouble getting it up once or twice, probably due to alcohol, drugs or the combination of the two, and it fucked with my head somehow. So now whenever we are intimate, my mind just is stuck in a loop. "Will I be hard enough? Will I please her the way I want to? She's looking at me...she's getting annoyed that I can't. This sucks. Please be hard enough… Come on, show her you’re a man! Come on! Come on! COME ON!” By now she is also saying, “Come on, baby, fuck me, please, I NEED it!” And then of course it doesn't happen, because I'm stuck in my head instead of focusing on the beautiful, sexy woman in front of me, who is begging me to fuck her. And I can't. I just can't right now. The doctor says all my levels are normal with Testosterone, etc., so this is nothing chemical. It's all in my head, and that's the hardest kind of issue to beat. I've been there before trying to beat depression, and it took a long time to get out of the negative feedback loop that it’s so easy to get into. I've been looking around on the Internet for resources, and have found some. I am trying things out a month at a time to see if there is a combination of supplements that will help me get my confidence back. The doctor will prescribe me Stendra if I ask him to; he gave me some samples when I first told him I was having trouble, and they definitely work, but over the course of a month seemed to gradually work less well, and by the end I think my mental block interfered enough that they lost effectiveness. I mean, the first time I took a pill, we had sex, I came, and then we had sex four more times (I think we spent an hour and half fucking, which was even longer than before I had problems). We even had sex twice more the next day! The next time it lasted that whole night, and we had sex three or four times. Subsequent times, I still got plenty hard, but we might only have sex twice, and i had difficulty coming sometimes (which wasn’t terrible, because then I could keep going, but still unnerving). The last few pills only would really work for one time, two if i was lucky, but usually when I came that would be the end of it. So I know the pills work, but they are expensive and I also don't want to be dependent on some pill to get hard for my wife…I don’t want to plan when to have sex, I want to just take her when I want her! So right now I am taking 4g of Arginine a day, and 1600mg of Citrulline. When I finish the Arginine, I will just take the Citrulline, and add in something else, probably pycnogenol. (I’ve already been taking the Arginine for two weeks, and the more I read the more I am finding that Citrulline is the way to go if I really want to help my NO production). I don’t even know that I need this stuff, but if it can make me even harder than before when it comes back, I’m into that. I have also increased my working out. I am going to get my body in the best shape I can, and everything else will follow. I have to believe that. So I am going to work up to four workouts a week, and two runs. Right now I have managed three per week these past two weeks, and I will start with the running this weekend. (Just gotta get back on that horse; it’s been a couple of months.) Finally, I have been trying to find out what could have triggered this in the first place. I found lots of supplement information looking at ED resources that seem to mostly be targeted to older guys in poor health (yeah, that feels great, to be looking at message boards for 50 and 60 year olds when I’m 38), but I found the most stuff about young guys having porn-induced erectile dysfunction and beating it, and that inspired me somewhat. I am not the poster child for PIED, because I'm not hooked on porn, but the more I think about it, the more I definitely was a compulsive masturbator. I used to get up in the morning and jerk off almost immediately. Why? I can even remember the dopamine rush I used to get. I don't remember when I stopped feeling it, but that may have been years ago now that I’m thinking about it. So there I was, still subconsciously trying to get it back, when that’s the opposite of what I should have done. Did I look at some porn over all those years? Yeah, I sure did, especially when I was single. But I am not addicted to it; I don’t need to have it. I could always get hard and jerk off without it...but the thing that makes me think I have something similar is that I would still be fantasizing while I did it, even though it was about my wife. And the "edging" behavior that some describe on the PIED boards is definitely something I have done. So here's how I think I fucked up my cock for a while: when my wife turned 30 last year, she definitely hit the dirty thirties. We started revving each other up a lot more through physical contact, text messages, dirty talk in bed, new sex positions, etc., and just having a lot more sex. It was truly amazing, and it's where we will get back to someday. But the problem was that this extra rush I was getting drove me over the edge masturbation-wise. There were times I would be home alone and would edge for long periods of time. I didn't always use the "death grip" they describe, but I probably did some, and I can understand how this would desensitize me. I read a ton of erotica then, because I was so horny for her I couldn’t help myself. And over a few months, I desensitized my body both to the dopamine and to sensation in my cock. This is my fault. So there is a "reboot and rewire" that the PIED sites suggest. Basically, no porn (not hard), no masturbation (harder), and some of them say no orgasms. I am getting conflicting reports, because some of the guys with PIED are in committed relationships, and they say that having a partner who is patient and understanding will go a long way and can fix things faster. They say that if you can have sex, you should try to. So I am hoping this is true, and that she will want to continue to try with me. I am heartbroken over where we are now. She isn't very attracted to me, which shows on her face. I'm really depressed, because I want her so bad, but I also know it's my fault. Everything would be better if my dick would work. We have zero marital issues at all, and two incredible kids, and I know she does still love me, because she tells me so, and I can tell she means it (she’s a terrible liar). But still, she looks at me lately like I'm just some guy who lives here, instead of a man who wants to rip her clothes off all the time (which I do). Our sex life had never been hotter. She was even writing erotica for me, about us, which was something incredible. I've always enjoyed reading it, and it was hot to read things and then do them to her...but maybe I took it too literally, took matters into my own hands, and this is what started that problem. I was also reading it alone and taking care of myself…big mistake. It should have just been a hot thing we did together. So the counter says how long it has been since I started this. I haven't looked at or read anything stimulating, haven't masturbated, and I'm taking those extra supplements and working out hard. My wife and I have tried to have sex on a couple of occasions. Last Monday I was randomly hard (a full 100%!), just from kissing and grabbing her ass, so we had some really quick sex (quick because we immediately went to the penetration part without much foreplay, and also because when I got inside her I don't even think I lasted 30 seconds). We tried it again on Saturday, and she had a good time because I made my focus on pleasing her, but I barely got hard enough to penetrate, about 50-60% at best, and then came after about 10 seconds. I keep reading that this is to be expected, that some prematures will happen, because when you refocus on the partner rather than the fantasy of them, the real thing feels so much better it's like you're sixteen again. It still sucks and doesn't help my confidence any (or hers). I am noticing a few positive signs already, though. First, I hadn't noticed, but my morning wood had sort of gone away. For a few months before this I wasn't really waking up with an erection, which used to happen every day without fail. I'd wake up with perhaps the biggest boner of the day, and it would sometimes be difficult to pee because it was so big. Now it's coming back. I wake up some mornings now with it again, maybe a third of the time, and sometimes I wake up at night and notice I'm hard. So the equipment still works. I am not getting hard yet from it, but I do notice a pleasing rush of blood to my genitals when I am looking at my wife, or talking to her about something hot. I feel a little motion down there sometimes and sometimes even get a semi, like 50%, which I am taking as a positive sign. The Arginine, but particularly the Citrulline, has helped some. Even though it's not hard now, it feels quite firm even limp, more so than a couple of weeks ago. I bet the next time I get hard it will be rock solid...we'll see. Two weeks in. I am really depressed, and really angry, and really hoping this thing works, because right now it's like nothing is happening down below, even when I want it to. I could always do things on my own, but that's the cop out that got me here in the first place. I need to win my wife back. She says she is not going anywhere, and I believe her, but I hate the toll this is taking on her too. And I hate the way she looks at me now. I want her to undress me with her eyes like she used to. But that's going to take some patience on both our parts. I am in what they call the "flatline" now, where I am having a drop in libido and in my function for a while as things rewire and my sensitivity comes back. I read lots and lots of recovery stories out there, and they all say it's possible. Guys like me with far worse problems, who now can have sex every day and it's no problem, multiple times a day even. That's where I used to be, and so that's where I can be again. I just need the patience and willpower to get through this, as there's not really a set time frame. Some guys get over it in a month, some take six months or more. The difference in time on the PIED websites also seems to have something to do with how much high speed internet porn you watched and jerked off to. Since I'm older and haven't had it my whole life, I am not one of the worst cases, but I still got my own struggle to get through. But reading success stories, I know it's possible. I just need to wait. My wife suggested that we back it off a bit and have dates, and say no sex for a bit. I can't believe I said ok, but I think it might be what I need for a little while (at least until things start working again down there). But she is reassuring, because she also smiled at me and said that when it's time, we'll know it (and that brought the warm rush down below that I'm getting used to all over again). The new program to win back my wife is called Fuck Like a 20-Year Old. The rules are: 1. Four workouts a week 2. Two runs a week 3. Extra supplement combination at least until this is over. 4. No masturbation, period. 5. Take control. No more passivity. You are better and stronger than that. 6. Date my wife. Romance her. Make her realize why she was so attracted to me, even before we had sex. Rediscover why she is the most amazing woman ever, and the parts will follow. The goal is: I will plug myself wholly and completely into my wife and all the things she is and can be and do. We'll be able to have sex every night if we want to, and it will be no problem, because I will be back, and better than ever. I will be a better man in every way when this is over. THIS FIGHT IS WINNABLE. I CAN BEAT THIS. I AM GOING TO BEAT THIS. I WILL BE BACK.