My Recovery ~ Hope_89

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Hope_89, Mar 14, 2012.

  1. Good job there Hope man! An inspiring story to have made it so far - you have true self discipline!

    Are you pushing onwards indefinitely?
     
  2. Hope_89

    Hope_89 New Member

    fapSock: My aim is to go atleast 100 days.

    Day 90: Cracks are starting to appear

    Last night was really a culmination of alot of things. I finally made it to day 90 and only have 10 more days to go before I hit the big 100 I aimed to reach for my reboot. At the same time, last night was the first night in 3 months that I seriously was on the verge of acting out. Let me explain:

    For the past couple of days I knew that something was wrong. When watching TV I would catch myself objectifying the girls I saw more and more, lingering with my eyes for longer periods. Sometimes I would flash to a channel where I knew some porn-type of material would pop and surely eventually I would pull myself together and change channel but I deep down still felt that need crying inside of me. Something was always holding me back but last night things took a different direction. As I was watching mma videos on youtube I for some crazy reason clicked on a mmacandy video (recommended by youtube). For those of you who are not familiar with mmacandy its a bunch of skimmely dressed chicks who demonstrate ground techniques on each other...crazy right ::) This was followed by checking out fb profiles of different girls I'd love to see myself hooking up with, which progressed to me taking my laptop with me to the bedroom. As you can imagine by now I'm really close to jumping right into a porn binge. I stopped and pulled myself together for a moment, reminding myself of all these months of hardwork going to waste if I watch porn but I couldn't control myself. I went to this news website that has alot of adds to sex personals and porn websites. Now, there is no explicit porn on these sights just adds of semi-nude women (tits and butts with underwear, that kind of stuff) and if you click them you get refered to a full-on porn site. So what happened? I pressed alot of these adds and guess what.....K9 Web Protection blocked each one of them!!! Like seriously, I couldn't access a single one of them. I was literally saved by my web-filter.
    Don't get me wrong; I'm not trying to downplay the gravity of what I saw last night, I have some serious issues to work on if I ever want to reach day 100 and live a porn-free life beyond that but it could've been worse. I still have the chaser effect though and somewhere inside of me I still have this strong urge of finishing the job from last night (my mind tells me; 'Well you wasn't perfect last night, so why bother? Finish the job, you already screwed it up!') but I know that this will lead to nothing else but a binge which will screw everything up I've fought for so long and put me right back to day 0.
    The plan is now to figure out what I'll have to change and re-adjust to keep moving forward.
     
  3. Onanymous

    Onanymous Living in the real world now

    Wow. 90 days. What an achievement.

    And congrats on winning the fight last night. Any chance you could spend a lot less time alone with the computer/TV?
     

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