My reboot diary

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by road2recovery, Sep 10, 2017.

  1. road2recovery

    road2recovery New Member

    hello all, I am a new member. I figured it was time to go about fixing my addiction and seeking advice and help from others. After lurking a bit I decided to create my own thread so I can post results and how things are going or not....even if no one reads it or replies it will be therapeutic I think to get it written down.

    Quick bio: I'm in my mid 30s, married, small children. I've been addicted to porn since teen years and my first masterbartion was to porn in the mid 90s when the internet was taking off. At first it was typical male female or female female scenes, and then a couple of fairly mainstream fetishes took root. To this day I still look for the typical scenes and very much my fetish stuff. Over all these years I've been watching it regularly while masterbating. I've often made time for it, even when I should be studying, doing work or paying attention to other things around me. In the early years I got a major rush when looking and masterbating to it, but now it simply a routine. While I've never gotten into anything extreme, I find myself spending much time searching out new material and fetish material to satisfy my cravings. The hunt is easily as addicting as the act of then watching. Since I started this in my teens, my beginnings with girls at the time coincided with the porn. I was shy in HS and porn was an easy way to satisfy my urge without being rejected by girls I liked. I stil met and hooked up with girls, but not a lot. I didn't have a steady gf in HS. College was similar, but I actually had less hookups due to not living there. After college I moved into my own place, got more confidence, and my luck with young women increased. At the same time my porn addiction was as strong as ever. I had a girlfriend or two for several months max before meeting my current wife.

    We hit it off right away and within 3 years were engaged and got married. I hid the addiction from her for a long time. Right off the bat she started to notice one major thing, and that was my sexual drive and urge to initiate sex was lower than she was used to. I also had occasional PIED at this time, She seemed to go along with it for awhile, but it eventually came up for discussion. I talked my way out of it a few times and then it got so bad that we had a blow up fight. I went for testosterone tests etc (came back normal) and she was so perplexed about what was wrong. Did I not find her attractive? Was I gay? Was their some secret? I finally couldn't stand it any longer and admitted I had a major porn addiction. She was shocked. Completely devastated and felt deceived and lied to. She cried about it for weeks and months, I cried. We talked about it and I agreed to go see a therapist. I found some older guy through my PCP who was a poor match. He didn't understand the internet aspect and went easy on me so I just lied to him and kept looking then after a few months of token visits quit. I told my wife I had stopped looking and she would start to notice improvement "soon" .Then we had our first child. This was the first time we had sex 5 or so days straight and it felt really good. I believe I took a short break from porn at the time because I'd noticed that doing so increased my erections and ability and willingness for sex. Once the newness of the baby wore off she realized my drive still sucked. Basically more often then not I just wanted to roll over and go to sleep and sex didn't excite me all that much. On the rare occasion we had it, I almost always enjoyed it though..... We had occasional discussions about it while having second child and the gaps between sex increased to several months, then many months....on the rarest of occasions that we actually had sex I would experience PIED unless conditions were perfect....we both grew hardened emotionally and for a time neither seemed to even care about it anymore because we were simply so numb about it. After pressing me finally that she was nearing cheating on me or leaving me, I admitted I was still looking occasionally. She was angry and upset but it brought me here.

    To repair myself and relationship I've signed us up for couples therapy and I am trying reboot. I noticed Within the first 10 days return of morning wood. I was excited about this new venture to recovery, I got pretty far in (~30 or so days) but masterbated without looking at porn a few times when I had an urge, so I decided to restart my count as I felt that wasn't what the reboot was for, also I discussed it with her and she agreed. She knows I am reading and posting one of these forums.....Today I am on day 4 of no porn, masterbating or orgasm. I will keep a log daily or every couple of days of my ups and downs here.
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2017
  2. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    HI road2recovery,

    Welcome to the forum, and I like you lurked for a while until I decided to start posting. The lurking helped me realize that I had a problem that needed to be dealt with. You are not alone in this, and you are doing great. You have 4 successful days, and each day counts. Remember, we can only achieve no pmo, one day at a time. It would be good to read up or look at youtube videos about porn addiction, there are lots of resources out there about. The more you know the more you start to understand how to handle.

    I find it therapeutic posting on here, and it helps me keep myself on track. Something about writing it down and sending it out to the universe helps. You got this man!

    This is a good video to watch. He doesn’t mention porn but he talks about dopamine, which is the reward system your body creates when you pmo.

     

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